Dating attachment issues

[allyo2003]

I have noticed I have attachment issues when it comes to dating. It's almost extremes- either I am completely detached with a person (which draws them in more and I end up hurting them) or if I really like them, and become completely attached (I end up getting hurt). I am aware this is at my detriment. If I am cold then I pick them apart and don't let them in; if I like them a lot I see them through rose colored glasses, am attached and not really being myself or setting boundaries (don't usually realize this until its too late). These people then end up being wrong for me and I get hurt. What can I do to become more aware/gain self confidence (I'm assuming this is a deep rooted confidence issue) and keep a level head while still giving people a chance while at the same time limiting needy attachment?

[kag101]

Well, I think it's important for you to exert self-control so that you don't have a neediness attack. This is a sure way to repel someone.

How are the other areas of your life?

[Martin123]

@allyo2003

 

[hoodrow trillson]

OP, it might be more of a blessing than a curse.  You’re essentially weeding out any incompatibilities (assuming you aren’t sabotaging these relationships yourself) so either you’re all in or you’re not.

Compare this to the hellish experience of being in limbo of being absolutely bored of someone, yet you feel obligated to stay with them out of complacency and comfort and, “well I guess this is better than being lonely” that the majority of people fall into.
 

Just food for thought.

[allyo2003]

@hoodrow trillson very true, thanks for the insight

[allyo2003]

@kag101 yes self control I think is what I am lacking. I definitely have gotten better but I still find myself going down the rabbit hole from time to time and its hard to stop it or get out. Things in other areas are decent, working on myself as a whole.

[allyo2003]

@Martin123 Great video, thanks

[Denis_]

Same here, OP..
When I connect with someone I just dive in and impatiently give them all of myself, with no limits or boundaries... just too intense..
which then leads to burnout and expectation of reciprocity in the intensity of effort from the partner..
Basically for those reasons I just got dumped by an amazing gf of 1.5yrs, an awesome NASA engineer...

[NatureB]

This subforum needs a "Best Of" thread. Will someone please start one?

@Leo Gura??