Love versus Attachment

[Thestarguitarist14]

First off I would like to say that I am not against relationships.  What I am against is how dysfunctional that they have become.  I have just noticed that most of the advice in this forum are pick up related.  And while I was a pick up artist for nearly three years and it can be effective, it does not fix any of your real problems.  Your real problems being your internal ones.

 

It is funny how a lot of people always talk about them.  No offense, but a lot of the time it’s women.  But really it is attachment.

 

Attachment to another person happens for many reasons.  I would say a big one is because if our attachment styles.  Take for instance the love addict and love avoidant dynamic.  They hit it off right away because they fill that hole in each other.  For the love addict it is the hole of needing someone to love.  For the love avoidant it is having someone who needs them, but allows for them to be independent.  But once the fantasy dies off, they start to clash, the love avoidant becomes well... avoidant and the love addict is like wtf.  I know this has I have been a love avoidant for most of my life.

 

These attachment styles come from childhood traumas.  Like if you are a love addict, maybe your father touched you inappropriately or you weren’t picked up on time after school.  If you’re a love avoidant maybe you were abandoned.  Maybe you just never got the love from your parents that you deserved.

 

See the issue here?  You have an attachment style, you meet someone, you think it is love, but in fact it is simply your damage and their damage meeting head on.  That is why it feels so magical.

 

The majority of people are looking for love and acceptance.  Yes, you can find a great love and I do believe that everyone will.  The issue though is that you seek this from external forces.  When in reality the issue is the relationship that you have with yourself.

 

If you were able to love and accept yourself, just see how your life would change.  You would date different people, have higher standards.  You would not be attracted to narcissists.  You will not stay in toxic relationships.  You will set up stronger boundaries. 
 

But no, most people are like “waaaah!  I want a girlfriend!  I want a boyfriend!  I don’t want to be lonely!”  Well, the worst kind of loneliness is when you are lonely with other people.

 

Attachment is when you won’t let go.  Love is when you set someone free.  Ever heard the saying “if you love someone, you let them go”? Turns out there is a lot of truth to that.

 

So you keep reaching out externally to fill an internal need that you cannot fill yourself.  Because you do not think that you are enough.  Notice how that sounds like an addiction.

 

Or on the flip slide, you try to act like you have no needs at all. 
 

So what do you do?  Acknowledge your needs and met them on your own.  How do you do that?  By self love and self acceptance and having approval for yourself.

Edited October 5, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[Preety_India]

I do agree with certain things that you're saying but not others. 

Not able to quote you so I will just copy it here. 

 

Well, the worst kind of loneliness is when you are lonely with other people.

Totally agree with this. Wish I had felt the value of this statement before. 

 

You would date different people, have higher standards

Here I disagree. I don't think setting a higher standard comes only from self acceptance. I do understand what you mean. You mean that you wouldn't take shitty people if you valued yourself.. 

But sometimes it's not that simple. It's about naivety and ignorance and not that " you don't think that you can find better people".... That you're just not aware of what's good and what's bad 

I will give you my example. My ex was a narcissist. But for an entire year with him, I didn't even know what the word narcissist meant. I came across an article in the month of October that year and as I was glancing through the article I realized that all his traits were similar to those mentioned in the article. That's when I decided that I no longer wanted to be with him. 

Often times it's just pure ignorance that makes you stay in toxic relationships. And not lack of self acceptance. 

I can offer a solution to this problem from my personal experience. 

And that is to raise greater awareness of the patterns of toxic relationships. The awareness only exists about physical abuse. 

But there is very little awareness about mental and emotional abuse. 

Emotional abuse can happen from both sides - men and women. 

 

5 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

would say a big one is because if our attachment styles.  Take for instance the love addict and love avoidant dynamic.  

I agree with this. Such dynamic does exists and it can be very frustrating. 

 

[Thestarguitarist14]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

You would date different people, have higher standards

Here I disagree. I don't think setting a higher standard comes only from self acceptance. I do understand what you mean. You mean that you wouldn't take shitty people if you valued yourself.. 

But sometimes it's not that simple. It's about naivety and ignorance and not that " you don't think that you can find better people".... That you're just not aware of what's good and what's bad 

I will give you my example. My ex was a narcissist. But for an entire year with him, I didn't even know what the word narcissist meant. I came across an article in the month of October that year and as I was glancing through the article I realized that all his traits were similar to those mentioned in the article. That's when I decided that I no longer wanted to be with him. 

Often times it's just pure ignorance that makes you stay in toxic relationships. And not lack of self acceptance. 

I can offer a solution to this problem from my personal experience. 

And that is to raise greater awareness of the patterns of toxic relationships. The awareness only exists about physical abuse. 

But there is very little awareness about mental and emotional abuse. 

Emotional abuse can happen from both sides - men and women. 

. 

 

The reason why people put up with bullishit is because of low self esteem.  That comes from deep rooted beliefs of unworthiness and not being enough.  

As someone who has been a codependent and has attracted narcissists, I had a self love deficit.  The more alone I got, there more I realized this and was able to heal.  
 

When you go inwards instead of outwards, you will see your issues truly are. Then you will no longer even be attracted to the same kind of people that you once were attracted to.

 

[Preety_India]

@Thestarguitarist14 I'll try to follow it 

 

 

[LfcCharlie4]

These are such great points, And the problem is the majority of people don’t realise you can be 100% happy by yourself, and then a partner / relationship is simply an expression of tbis happiness & love. 
 

Look up Rupert Spira, he talks about awakened relationships a lot, and how we shouldn’t be using other people to make us happy, but only be with another being when we are happy ourselves.

This frees the situation of many of our demands, and gives the relationship more chance to flourish.

He talks about telling your partner- “I don’t need you for my happiness, but I want to be with you, out of choice, not because we need to.” I think that is so powerful, as it is the basis of true love, since you aren’t using each other to fill voids.