Help to young men struggling with dating AMA

[ColeMC01]

@Globalcollective I live in Brussels where people are quite cold and reserved. Cold approaching on street, especailly during COVID is a nono. I would like to go to bars and clubs but they will be closed from tomorrow so yeah. I am a student but rn i am working (no girls at work) and our classes are online, so i cannot go on campus. I was thinking of online dating, cannot see any other avenue. Maybe cold approach in the gym since i workout regulary but i almost never see any girls my age in the gym, its 80 percent guys and older women. Any advice?,

[Javfly33]

38 minutes ago, Globalcollective said:

. The best one tho was I once approached this girl and she rejected me and then I reproached her six months later and she didn't recognise me. It went very well and we went on a date and I asked her if anyone had ever approached her in the day like that before and she was like "once, the guy was super creepy not like you" lool. 

Lol talk about rapid growth!

Thanks for sharing

[Ya know]

Why do I only want what I can't have? What is the point of having things I don't want?

[Globalcollective]

15 hours ago, ColeMC01 said:

@Globalcollective I live in Brussels where people are quite cold and reserved. Cold approaching on street, especailly during COVID is a nono. I would like to go to bars and clubs but they will be closed from tomorrow so yeah. I am a student but rn i am working (no girls at work) and our classes are online, so i cannot go on campus. I was thinking of online dating, cannot see any other avenue. Maybe cold approach in the gym since i workout regulary but i almost never see any girls my age in the gym, its 80 percent guys and older women. Any advice?,

Hmm Im not convinced I was expecting you to say a third world country but in Brussels you'll be fine. What you have to realise is women want to meet men in this way regardless of culture conditioning. Most women walk around dreaming a charming man will come pick them up its more about you doing it correctly. If your new and starting out your half right in a sense because your learning it and will make a lot of mistakes so as long as you go to a big city where no one knows you it will be fine. Just build up slowly, try and get into conversations don't worry to much about attraction at this point. 

Yes online dating is a great option right now using it. Try and maximise yourself on there get some good photos. Just a hint there is a lot of horny girls on apps atm because of covid, people are going crazy. Cold approaching in the gym is a bad idea, if your already good and calibrated its fine but you don't want to mess up an approach and have to deal with the problems after because you will prob see each other again. However you should be pushing yourself as much as possible to get into as many social interactions as possible so many just try and make small talk with as many girls as you can even at the gym. See the vibe and if its good then you can ask for a number. 

Edited October 8, 2020 by Globalcollective

[Globalcollective]

@Ya know

8 hours ago, Ya know said:

Why do I only want what I can't have? What is the point of having things I don't want?

Well learn how to get things you do want. I use to never be able to get the girls I wanted too but then with hard work I got them. Simple. 

[Chew211]

@Globalcollective

So I had just started tasting some success before Corona. Now things are sort of getting back to normal. (I'm in Japan for reference). 

Here are some issues: 

1. I was in the black pill hole for a while, and though I've climbed out and have had success in a short period of time, I feel black pill residue haunting me. How much do looks matter? I'm above average in looks, based off of what other people have said, but I look older than my age, and I have male pattern baldness (unbeknownst to everyone) which I don't know if I have stopped or not. 

I go to the gym, more muscular and taller than most guys around me, but I don't look like a K-Pop idol, which is the make beauty standard here now. 

Can character triumph over looks? 

2. How to deal with a long period of things not going my way? Sounds like a dumb question. I'm not needy, in fact, I tend to skew sharp in the other direction, and not bother contacting girls that I don't get a good vibe from. But I get disappointed. I feel defeated. I wonder, "What if I succeed again?" 

3. I compare myself to an ideal I can't match. I can't seem to be happy with my successes, because they feel like they aren't enough. I don't feel secure in my ability to get laid because I haven't replicated it enough. There's guys killing it, and meanwhile I'm here diddling about. 

I was a bit vague with my points. The way I wrote it also made me seem worse than I am, but that's because I really want to hear your thoughts. Maybe you'll say something I could ask you to elaborate further, and then that will allow me to get a deeper understanding of this stuff. 

[Globalcollective]

On 09/10/2020 at 2:09 PM, Chew211 said:

@Globalcollective

So I had just started tasting some success before Corona. Now things are sort of getting back to normal. (I'm in Japan for reference). 

Here are some issues: 

1. I was in the black pill hole for a while, and though I've climbed out and have had success in a short period of time, I feel black pill residue haunting me. How much do looks matter? I'm above average in looks, based off of what other people have said, but I look older than my age, and I have male pattern baldness (unbeknownst to everyone) which I don't know if I have stopped or not. 

 

Im very happy to hear you have climbed out of that, main reason why I created this thread is to make sure people avoid the red and black pill traps its so toxic. And great on your results man awesome. The age old question, I was doing this before social media and dating apps became as popular as they are now so all my experience is through real life experience which I feel grateful for as you get a better insight to the truth. For apps and social media, looks matter for sure and that is how the black pill ideas came from. Funny how it was not around before this. In real life interactions looks don't really matter that much, basically what it dose is it gets you an in but thats it. If you don't have looks you have to create your in in by using your charisma, social intelligence and personality. Luckily this is something you can learn and that is what game is basically about. I must of winged with well over 100 guys over the years, some have been 10/10 6 foot plus male models and some have been a lot less attractive. In real life interactions looks without game don't mean much and don't get you very far, one of my friends is tall and super good looking but can't game very well at all. Girls are open to him but he can't convert. Where as I know some guy who are not good looking at all and crush it and blow most good looking guys out the water. What really matters here is how you feel about how you look on the inside. Recently I have got my confidence back as I was on a 60 day meditation retreat for lockdown and felt very socially inept when I came back into the real world. I went on a few dates and they didn't go to well and I was trying to remember the old person I use to be. Eventually I got it back and on a roll. Girls have been asking for my number where I work and in coffee shops. I just start the convo but I have so much self belief that I allow them to pick me up and try and win me over as I know Im in mass abundance. But Im still the same person on the outside and girls would of stone cold rejected me a month ago if I tried that. You HAVE to complete stop caring about if looks matter or not and just work with what you have. Never look into black pill again.

 

On 09/10/2020 at 2:09 PM, Chew211 said:

@Globalcollective

Can character triumph over looks? 

 

All day long, it helps to see it in action tho. Generally people who are good looking are more likely to get positive feedback when growing up because of there looks as we as a society worship the exterior sop this creates health self esteem in the good looking person and that is actually what makes them good at socailzing and game. Its more likely to be the opposite effect if your not good looking if you get what I mean but really its all about how you feel about yourself on the outside. There is always that one guy who is fat but super socially aware and can get all the girls. Also bare in mind you want to learn how to develop deep and meaningful relationships with high quality people so the more you develop your personality the more likely that is of happening. Im seeing this girl atm who is a bit older than me but she use to be very attractive and she's at the age where her looks are starting to decline and you can see that she is having this huge shift in realising that relaying on your looks is a bad move as they are on the decline and there is nothing you can do about it. 

On 09/10/2020 at 2:09 PM, Chew211 said:

@Globalcollective

2. How to deal with a long period of things not going my way? Sounds like a dumb question. I'm not needy, in fact, I tend to skew sharp in the other direction, and not bother contacting girls that I don't get a good vibe from. But I get disappointed. I feel defeated. I wonder, "What if I succeed again?" 

 

You have to just keep going, take breaks when you start to feel it really getting to you deep down but get right back on the horse when you feel better again. It took me like 1.5 years of game before I could even get a decent girlfriend. I got rejected 1000s of times but never stopped. The main thing is to make sure your analysing what you are doing to make sure your not making the same mistakes over and over again. 

 

On 09/10/2020 at 2:09 PM, Chew211 said:

 

3. I compare myself to an ideal I can't match. I can't seem to be happy with my successes, because they feel like they aren't enough. I don't feel secure in my ability to get laid because I haven't replicated it enough. There's guys killing it, and meanwhile I'm here diddling about. 

I was a bit vague with my points. The way I wrote it also made me seem worse than I am, but that's because I really want to hear your thoughts. Maybe you'll say something I could ask you to elaborate further, and then that will allow me to get a deeper understanding of this stuff. 

Yes you have to stop doing this, everyone is on different parts of there journey so you can't compare and if you do it will only slow you down. Best way is to stop this habit completely. What actions do you take to compare yourself with others? do you look a lot at other peoples social media act? do you follow successful people and compare your life with theres? stop, create your own vision and be blinded towards that. there will always be someone better than you at whatever you do.

[universe]

Any milestones in your journey that stand out? You said you recently went on a 60 day meditation retreat and had to remember the old person you used to be. What are the core things that you had to remember or relearn, if there are some?

[Globalcollective]

14 hours ago, universe said:

Any milestones in your journey that stand out? You said you recently went on a 60 day meditation retreat and had to remember the old person you used to be. What are the core things that you had to remember or relearn, if there are some?

Yeah the biggest milestone I remember was I went on a double date with a friend of mine who had good game and I was shocked at how sexual he was being from the outset and that the girl was super responsive to it. I started to learn from then on girls love sex as much as guys but hide it due to cultural conditioning. I learned that you can actually make a girl feel comfortable to show this side of her, you do so but not being ashamed of your sexuality and seeing sex as normal and fun. But most importantly being very calibrated with the was you try and sexually escalate. Once the girl sees you are "That" type of guy, the lover not the provider the interaction then completely switches. Its like seeing the whole dynamic in a completely new way. attraction and comfort are important but most relationships are built from sex so you have to almost learn how to start from that vibe and let the rest progressed from there and I think this is where most guys go wrong they start by trying to build to much comfort and tread into the friend zone territory. Id say the two biggest problems men face are approach anxiety and the ability to sexually escalate in the right way. 

As an example a lot of girls will walk around thinking about sex so if you come open them and they fancy you they will be thinking about sleeping with you they just hide it but if you know this and they see you know this it drives them crazy and you can use it to seduce them. Now what you do with this power is up to you but you can use it to get awesome relationships. Once you see she is into you and will sleep with you, start seeing if your a personality match ect. 

Also this snowballs as the more women become into you it just keeps snowballing and comes off in your vibe. They have a six sense if you are getting laid a lot or not lol 

[Loving Radiance]

2 hours ago, Globalcollective said:

As an example a lot of girls will walk around thinking about sex so if you come open them and they fancy you they will be thinking about sleeping with you they just hide it but if you know this and they see you know this it drives them crazy and you can use it to seduce them.

Try & error amirite?

[Globalcollective]

@Loving Radiance ? yep, some might have to do more try and error than others 

[Espaim]

How can I talk to girls without they thinking I want something more? This may not be exactly what you're trying to teach but I'm curious on what you have to say.

I'm asexual and I always have this doubt. Sometimes I go out just fishing for friends and I want to make that clear.

Edited October 15, 2020 by Espaim

[Globalcollective]

15 hours ago, Espaim said:

How can I talk to girls without they thinking I want something more? This may not be exactly what you're trying to teach but I'm curious on what you have to say.

I'm asexual and I always have this doubt. Sometimes I go out just fishing for friends and I want to make that clear.

I would worry about this at all if your only interested in friendship all you have to do is not escalate the interaction. Its very easy to freindzone yourself just talk a lot. 

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Globalcollective said:

I would worry about this at all if your only interested in friendship all you have to do is not escalate the interaction. Its very easy to freindzone yourself just talk a lot. 

True ? yeah? 

I m amazed people would ask this ??

[Espaim]

@Globalcollective Seems exactly right haha. I expected something more elaborate but this is nice already.

 

What can I do to help my heterosexual male friends? They seem to come to me with these problems with approach anxiety and relationships and I just can't relate to it. Sometimes I'm out with them and they lack courage to approach and I would like to do something about it because they seem to suffer.

16 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I m amazed people would ask this ??

¯\_(ツ) _/¯ 

You'd be amazed by knowing how much people think I'm DEFINITELY gay or DEFINITELY hetero macho and say it outright to my face. Sometimes the same day. I can't rely on others opinions so sometimes I have to ask this basic shit. The problems with having uncommon traits.

Edited October 16, 2020 by Espaim

[Globalcollective]

1 hour ago, Espaim said:

@Globalcollective Seems exactly right haha. I expected something more elaborate but this is nice already.

 

What can I do to help my heterosexual male friends? They seem to come to me with these problems with approach anxiety and relationships and I just can't relate to it. Sometimes I'm out with them and they lack courage to approach and I would like to do something about it because they seem to suffer.

¯\_(ツ) _/¯ 

You'd be amazed by knowing how much people think I'm DEFINITELY gay or DEFINITELY hetero macho and say it outright to my face. Sometimes the same day. I can't rely on others opinions so sometimes I have to ask this basic shit. The problems with having uncommon traits.

yeah it really is that simple, Im a very talkative person so a lot of the time I end up in long convos with girls and that is a great way to make them your friend. Get them thinking logically it turns them off lol. Even just saying "you seem like a good person to be friends with ect" your main problem is that men are so desperate girls can probably sense that you are indifferent so that might make them want you. But try and be more logical with them and that should fix it. 

I can imagine this comes with its own set of problems, one massive advantage is you can really focus hard on your spiritual life without the distraction of relationships, a real blessing there. Its one of if not the biggest distraction next to career. 

[Giancarlo]

Great thread man! Can you recommend some resources that really helped you? Also, how do you keep the conversation flowing? 

[Loving Radiance]

@Giancarlo Models by Mark Manson

For keeping convos going... there are too many videos out there. Just write down the most important 3 points that you can implement right now and you would be good. The more you are having convos the more natural and free-flowing it gets.

Pick any topic, like stars. What is connected to stars? A space movie you watched recently, the inspiring message a glimmer of a star can hold to mankind, your fascination with the sciency facts about our sun, what's your wish when you see a shooting star... talk about whatever you like what comes to mind, which inspires you and makes your heart burn.

Make it authentic to you. Bring your emotion in it & be invested in the topic that it moves you (while being grounded & holding it loosely at the same time).

Curiously, writing the contemplation journal that Leo recommended enabled me to feel that fire inside.

[ColeMC01]

I have a friend who looks very good and he doesnt do shit and girls like him. So this mindset of "looks dont matter bro" is complete bs

[Loving Radiance]

@ColeMC01 Looking good is of course an important factor. Rather than focusing on the content, look at the structure: What does constitute his being other than him looking good? You can look 10/10 and still be socially uncalibrated & awkward (through believing negative thoughts about yourself for example).