Coaching Neurotic Parents

[JKG]

Everyday I see how my parents are so unhappy. They are totally neurotic, complain about tiny irrelevant problems, keep themselves busy with stupid stuff, and never find time to be happy.

My mother stopped working as she got pregnant with me. At that time I think she read a lot and wrote poetry. It seems like she was happy. But with the time she became more and more neurotic. We live in a relatively big house and she cleans it all day long. She complains about every single unclean part of the house and can't stand a messy room. She directly has to clean everything up. She spends so much time of the day cleaning the house or the garden, and in the little bit of free time she gives herself, she watches television or reads the newspaper.

About a year ago I motivated her to do sports. I am pretty happy about the fact that she now makes sports on a regular basis and lost a bit of weight, but she also became so neurotic about this too. Her motivation to do sports is exclusively negative. She beats herself up for eating too much or not having the time to work out that day. And her motivation for doing sports is that she does not want to become like her (fat, lonely, never going out of the house because of pain, thousand illnesses). This didn't make her more happy, just more and more miserable.

Her relationship with my father is also not going so well. She is pissed of when he comes home earlier than normal and complains about him to me so often... They definitively do not love each other anymore for a couple of years. At least they do not fight as hard as others...

Almost everyday I see her so unhappy and miserable. I want to help her and teach her all the stuff that I have learned. The problem though is that I am terrible at explaining things, convincing people or at argumenting.

If I could, I would make her meditate for 2 hours a day, clean the house only once a week, and letting her work on her life purpose (probably something with books). She is probably in the best situation with security and a lot of time to do all those things. She could accomplish so much in the rest of her life. I just want her to be a little bit more happy.

So my question is how I should start teaching/coaching her some basic principles of personal development? How can I make her wanting to improve her life? I have no idea of how I could start a conversation about this. I do not want to say something like "hey mom, I see that you are so unhappy. I want to help to improve you life". If I would do it that way, she would not understand me at all, or would not even try to grasp what I am saying - sometimes she is very narrow-minded. How can I make her question her beliefs, realizing that she is neurotic and the potential of her life?

How would you approach this problem?

I will appreciate ever answer.

 

[Frogfucius]

I know you care about your mother, but I think a person has to want to change in order for them to develop consistent positive habits. If she's not doing research and inner work, then she's not ready. She may never be ready, and there's not anything you can do about it.

My mom is also incredibly narrow-minded, and is one of the most neurotic people I know. She's been drowning herself in religious dogma and ideology for nearly 20 years, and hides behind 'the word of God' so that she doesn't ever have to take accountability for her own life and her selfish, immature, neurotic ways. She's a Grade A hypocrite, and she even had me brainwashed in the religious dogma when I was a kid. Thankfully, I was smart enough to pull myself out of that trap, and completely nullify all religious beliefs. My mother is the last person I would try and help, even though she needs it the most.

This journey will make you realize how different you are from your family members. They're comfortable in their unconscious lifestyle, and all you can do is just accept it for what it is.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Frogfucius

[Matthew Lamot]

16 minutes ago, quantum said:

Everyday I see how my parents are so unhappy. They are totally neurotic, complain about tiny irrelevant problems, keep themselves busy with stupid stuff, and never find time to be happy.

My mother stopped working as she got pregnant with me. At that time I think she read a lot and wrote poetry. It seems like she was happy. But with the time she became more and more neurotic. We live in a relatively big house and she cleans it all day long. She complains about every single unclean part of the house and can't stand a messy room. She directly has to clean everything up. She spends so much time of the day cleaning the house or the garden, and in the little bit of free time she gives herself, she watches television or reads the newspaper.

About a year ago I motivated her to do sports. I am pretty happy about the fact that she now makes sports on a regular basis and lost a bit of weight, but she also became so neurotic about this too. Her motivation to do sports is exclusively negative. She beats herself up for eating too much or not having the time to work out that day. And her motivation for doing sports is that she does not want to become like her (fat, lonely, never going out of the house because of pain, thousand illnesses). This didn't make her more happy, just more and more miserable.

Her relationship with my father is also not going so well. She is pissed of when he comes home earlier than normal and complains about him to me so often... They definitively do not love each other anymore for a couple of years. At least they do not fight as hard as others...

Almost everyday I see her so unhappy and miserable. I want to help her and teach her all the stuff that I have learned. The problem though is that I am terrible at explaining things, convincing people or at argumenting.

If I could, I would make her meditate for 2 hours a day, clean the house only once a week, and letting her work on her life purpose (probably something with books). She is probably in the best situation with security and a lot of time to do all those things. She could accomplish so much in the rest of her life. I just want her to be a little bit more happy.

So my question is how I should start teaching/coaching her some basic principles of personal development? How can I make her wanting to improve her life? I have no idea of how I could start a conversation about this. I do not want to say something like "hey mom, I see that you are so unhappy. I want to help to improve you life". If I would do it that way, she would not understand me at all, or would not even try to grasp what I am saying - sometimes she is very narrow-minded. How can I make her question her beliefs, realizing that she is neurotic and the potential of her life?

How would you approach this problem?

I will appreciate ever answer.

 

I hate to break it to you, but you are on a path to suffering if you think you can change people.  Changing people is detrimental to your path if you want to become enlightened.  It's a test.  

I'm going to give you a very potent practice that will help you with enlightenment.  Don't worry about the fancy name, look past it, it's called karma yoga.

What karma yoga is really is a path of letting go and gratitude.  You must realize that nothing in life is yours and that is given to you.  If you want to be free you must learn the path of KY and learn to accept everything in your life as a gift, a gift to learn from and gift to aid you in your path towards liberation.

If you can do this you will become free of the need to manipulate your surroundings.  This is a radical stance, but enlightenment is a radical thing.

Continue to engage with this thing, it's your destiny, but just tuck my advice away in the back of your mind and contemplate it.  

 

[philosogi]

@quantum I hear you. I guess I will anecdotally explain where I relate to you in the story and then see where it takes me. 

I left home for university as soon as I could, to get out of the poisonous home environment (not poisonous in the absolute sense; just that I did not have the tools to deal with it). I was not committed to a self-actualization path at the time, but I intuitively knew that I didn't have the strength or knowledge to have any positive effect where I was, and being there was just going to hold me back. It took huge amounts of energy separate my feelings from my mother's feelings.

Leaving did not mean I was giving up on the family forever. It just meant that I was free to pursue my own goals and learn other perspectives. You are much further ahead than I. I'm still learning things about how the family dynamic works and why it was so dysfunctional at the time. But gradually as I learned things, I started to speak my mom's language instead of my own. For me it means saying things that are not really 100% true, are just provocative enough to not raise too much ego, and also contain empathy so the subject feels understood. And then hope that the message gets through just a tiny bit. I have a theory that me distancing myself from my mom is one thing that caused her to come to some of her own realizations.

But like others have said, trying to change people can sometimes be like moving a mountain, if they don't want to change. It's a huge and useless commitment that could just damage your relationship. I think maybe the best advice is: have patience. Don't believe you can change them quickly. Be happy if you tried your best to help them from a selfless perspective of love (which your post suggests that is your motivation), even if they never change. But also be happy if you decide it's not your job to help them as you need to focus on your own life right now. Don't have negative feelings about where they are in their journey. Even if it seems like they're walking in place, it's still their journey. 

A bit more specific advice. When she complains to you, you could simply say, "you seem dissatisfied. I hear you complaining about _____" You need just the right hook to get someone interested in doing better for themself. Find that hook, and then you can start gradually introducing more and more advanced topics. Self-improvement can be a painful journey, so be prepared for lots of resistance when their entire world-view is challenged! 

[Pelin]

In my experience some need just a little push (my mother) and some are ignorant as hell (father). I tried communicating my father the power of words, how nice it would be if he used more positive words instead of insulting. An example: I love baking breads. Last year my father was advised to eat gluten-free, so I decided to bake gluten-free bread for him when I visited him. This year I baked for him again, and it turned out much nicer. Instead of saying thank you, he said the bread I baked last year was terrible, in his words, like grass. So I calmly tried to explain him how he could word it in another way to encourage me rather than insult. But later I learned that he bragged about me saying I never understand him, he means no harm, he is just joking etc. etc. It is one or two incidents with me but with mom it is everyday. Like how she does yoga everyday and still haven't lost weight, ha ha ha. Great sense of humor.

I realized how important it is to apply the second agreement: Don't take anything personally (from the book 4 agreements). This is not about me, it is about him. I wish he didn't hurt people but he does with his ignorance.

But with mom it is very different. She is so mature that she doesn't even bother with dad, for example. She does her own thing. And she really enjoys talking about personal development and stuff.

I guess trying wouldn't hurt. You might get a response like my dad's or mom's. If your mother likes poetry, I would suggest giving a poem book as a gift. And later you can discuss with her how she felt reading poetry. Maybe it will revive something in her. Maybe it won't

 

[Key Elements]

Have you tried sharing your life purpose with her? Sometimes that motivates others.

Personally, I have my paintings on my living room wall. They are educational paintings that I do and donate them to the school I work for. I sign my paintings with my educational website. I know my children are watching me as I do this. Actions speak louder than words. My son loves art too. He chose to be in a drawing contest recently. 

[Leo Gura]

Changing family is the hardest. They're often too proud and superior to listen to "their child" lecturing them.

[Emerald]

9 hours ago, quantum said:

Everyday I see how my parents are so unhappy. They are totally neurotic, complain about tiny irrelevant problems, keep themselves busy with stupid stuff, and never find time to be happy.

My mother stopped working as she got pregnant with me. At that time I think she read a lot and wrote poetry. It seems like she was happy. But with the time she became more and more neurotic. We live in a relatively big house and she cleans it all day long. She complains about every single unclean part of the house and can't stand a messy room. She directly has to clean everything up. She spends so much time of the day cleaning the house or the garden, and in the little bit of free time she gives herself, she watches television or reads the newspaper.

About a year ago I motivated her to do sports. I am pretty happy about the fact that she now makes sports on a regular basis and lost a bit of weight, but she also became so neurotic about this too. Her motivation to do sports is exclusively negative. She beats herself up for eating too much or not having the time to work out that day. And her motivation for doing sports is that she does not want to become like her (fat, lonely, never going out of the house because of pain, thousand illnesses). This didn't make her more happy, just more and more miserable.

Her relationship with my father is also not going so well. She is pissed of when he comes home earlier than normal and complains about him to me so often... They definitively do not love each other anymore for a couple of years. At least they do not fight as hard as others...

Almost everyday I see her so unhappy and miserable. I want to help her and teach her all the stuff that I have learned. The problem though is that I am terrible at explaining things, convincing people or at argumenting.

If I could, I would make her meditate for 2 hours a day, clean the house only once a week, and letting her work on her life purpose (probably something with books). She is probably in the best situation with security and a lot of time to do all those things. She could accomplish so much in the rest of her life. I just want her to be a little bit more happy.

So my question is how I should start teaching/coaching her some basic principles of personal development? How can I make her wanting to improve her life? I have no idea of how I could start a conversation about this. I do not want to say something like "hey mom, I see that you are so unhappy. I want to help to improve you life". If I would do it that way, she would not understand me at all, or would not even try to grasp what I am saying - sometimes she is very narrow-minded. How can I make her question her beliefs, realizing that she is neurotic and the potential of her life?

How would you approach this problem?

I will appreciate ever answer.

 

This may get too personal with my own stuff, so I apologize. From my experience, adults who don't go the extra mile to develop themselves get more and more set in their ways and less wise as they get older. I can't be around my mom for very long without her completely cutting herself from my life for years at a time as she just can't have anyone in her life that deviates even slightly from her impossible standards. She's 60 now and she's become a shut in. She's also sick, so this compounds the shut in effect. She came the other day to stay with me for a few weeks to help out with the kids while my husband is out of the country. I should have known it was a bad idea because my mother and I haven't spent more than a couple days consecutively together since I was 13. Now she's cut herself out again, and she really doesn't have anyone except for my sister who is 43 but lives with her as she is mentally challenged and can't live on her own. Thankfully, I know that she'll at least have her as she can't cut her out. She will go out of her way to find things to be against and be upset about. She irrationally twists all things to be a personal attack on her and/or a symptom of all things wrong with the world thus strengthening her disassociation from people including all of her family and the vast majority of the very few friends that she's ever had. I'd love to help her but she's just not reachable and not willing to listen to anything that deviates from her narrow view of the world. It's sad to see her so contracted and miserable like this, but there's no way to change her or make her happy. It would be a miracle if she was able to get some insight to help change her life but she is closed up, like so many other adults in their twilight. So, my advice is simply to let people be as they are. You might not like it because it's painful to watch someone you love suffer. But unfortunately, it is what it is. 

[JKG]

@Frogfucius @Matthew Lamot @Matthew Lamot @Pelin @Leo Gura @Emerald Wilkins thank you all for your lovely answers.

Here are a few lessons that I will try to apply:

On 22.8.2016 at 6:23 PM, Frogfucius said:

I know you care about your mother, but I think a person has to want to change in order for them to develop consistent positive habits. If she's not doing research and inner work, then she's not ready. She may never be ready, and there's not anything you can do about it.

On 22.8.2016 at 6:30 PM, Matthew Lamot said:

I'm going to give you a very potent practice that will help you with enlightenment.  Don't worry about the fancy name, look past it, it's called karma yoga.

What karma yoga is really is a path of letting go and gratitude.  You must realize that nothing in life is yours and that is given to you.  If you want to be free you must learn the path of KY and learn to accept everything in your life as a gift, a gift to learn from and gift to aid you in your path towards liberation.

If you can do this you will become free of the need to manipulate your surroundings.  This is a radical stance, but enlightenment is a radical thing.

 I will try to let go of the need to change other people and accept them as they are. Maybe I will this karma yoga thing after my morning meditation.

 

But I still don't just want to watch them suffering. I will at least try to inspire them, so that they have the possibility to become interested in self improvement stuff. If they are not open-minded enough, I will have to accept it.

On 22.8.2016 at 8:14 PM, Key Elements said:

Have you tried sharing your life purpose with her? Sometimes that motivates others.

Personally, I have my paintings on my living room wall. They are educational paintings that I do and donate them to the school I work for. I sign my paintings with my educational website. I know my children are watching me as I do this. Actions speak louder than words. My son loves art too. He chose to be in a drawing contest recently.

I already have a few powerful quotes hanging in my room. I hope my mother reads and understands them.

 

On 22.8.2016 at 6:56 PM, philosogi said:

I left home for university as soon as I could, to get out of the poisonous home environment (not poisonous in the absolute sense; just that I did not have the tools to deal with it). I was not committed to a self-actualization path at the time, but I intuitively knew that I didn't have the strength or knowledge to have any positive effect where I was, and being there was just going to hold me back. It took huge amounts of energy separate my feelings from my mother's feelings.

Leaving did not mean I was giving up on the family forever. It just meant that I was free to pursue my own goals and learn other perspectives. You are much further ahead than I. I'm still learning things about how the family dynamic works and why it was so dysfunctional at the time. But gradually as I learned things, I started to speak my mom's language instead of my own. For me it means saying things that are not really 100% true, are just provocative enough to not raise too much ego, and also contain empathy so the subject feels understood. And then hope that the message gets through just a tiny bit. I have a theory that me distancing myself from my mom is one thing that caused her to come to some of her own realizations.

I think if I get the possibility I will also leave home for university. Then I will be free from distractions, can do whatever I want and might inspire them by working on my life purpose.

 

On 22.8.2016 at 7:22 PM, Pelin said:

I realized how important it is to apply the second agreement: Don't take anything personally (from the book 4 agreements). This is not about me, it is about him. I wish he didn't hurt people but he does with his ignorance.

I already apply this a bit with my ignorant and rude father. But its good to hear that you really should do it.

 

On 22.8.2016 at 7:22 PM, Pelin said:

If your mother likes poetry, I would suggest giving a poem book as a gift. And later you can discuss with her how she felt reading poetry. Maybe it will revive something in her. Maybe it won't

Now I have an idea for my mothers birthday present. Thanks!

 

Soon I think I will tell my mother something about positive and negative motivation. She should understand this and be open enough for it. I hope she will apply it.

[Matthew Lamot]

10 minutes ago, quantum said:

 I will try to let go of the need to change other people and accept them as they are. Maybe I will this karma yoga thing after my morning meditation.

 

But I still don't just want to watch them suffering. I will at least try to inspire them, so that they have the possibility to become interested in self improvement stuff. If they are not open-minded enough, I will have to accept it.

I already have a few powerful quotes hanging in my room. I hope my mother reads and understands them.

My advice is impersonal, it is from my tradition.  I agree that you must do what your desire compels you to do.  You ultimately have no control over that, and if you look into your experience you can verify this for yourself.  This takes care of the desire part.

But the karma yoga, offering the action to the filed (life) is the letting go, we call this prasad, and in Sufism its called Isha Allah.  It is accepting that what is, is the will of "God".  Or the environment, whatever way you are inclined to think either religiously or secular, your choice, its the same reality .  This will bring you peace and will eventually along with the continual self inquiry make the desire to change others vanish.

Good luck

[Key Elements]

@quantum

Those powerful quotes hanging on your wall are an excellent idea. Believe it or not, I also have quotes in different forms! Two of them are professionally carved out of wood, and I put them behind sliding glass as show pieces. There are quotes that are refrigerator magnets made of wood carvings too. You may want to try those if you want since everyone goes to their fridge. ☺ If you can't find them in stores, then try online.

At the same time, work on your life purpose. 

It's too bad some parents or family members don't even appreciate this. They only look for big results. Sometimes when you have reached a milestone, it surprises some family members who are more open-minded.

However, it's ok to keep trying--not just for the results, but you're going to discover and uncover yourself. Find something you love and enjoy the moment. I try to keep this in mind when I do what I like.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Key Elements

[JKG]

39 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

Those powerful quotes hanging on your wall are an excellent idea. Believe it or not, I also have quotes in different forms! Two of them are professionally carved out of wood, and I put them behind sliding glass as show pieces. There are quotes that are refrigerator magnets made of wood carvings too. You may want to try those if you want since everyone goes to their fridge. ☺ If you can't find them in stores, then try online.

Magnets wouldn't stick at our refrigerator, but still a good idea.

Maybe I will paint a few big pictures and hang them around my room and the outside of my door.

@Key Elements Which quotes do you use to inspire your family?

[philosogi]

@quantum Along the lines of others, I also write down many of personal "insights," "realizations," and reminders, very simply, on white paper with coloured marker. Easy to recycle the ones that turn out to be less profound. Also inexpensive, and graphically visible. Really I keep them around to inspire myself, but I've had people visit and comment that they like them. I think the phrases also have more power this way because they are personal.

The most profound one was a warning to myself of the behaviour of the "watcher," which might sound like something out of a horror movie, but was really my first real recognition/encounter with ego, which I previously only knew about as a concept.

[Key Elements]

@quantum

Below are the two quotes that I have in wood carvings. I got them when my children were younger. However, if you love spiritual quotes or deeper quotes, they may be misunderstood by family members/others. Personally, I do love spirituality.

I'm not focused on the quotes now. I'm focused on the paintings. 

Edited August 25, 2016 by Key Elements

[Key Elements]

Below is one of the best quotes I've read...

(Family members / others may or may not understand this one - depends on their level. Some may only understand it when they see your actions. Anyway, I'm just presenting techniques that has to do with your actions. It's not spoken. 'Actions speak louder than words.')

Edited August 25, 2016 by Key Elements

[Consept]

What's interesting, just reading these responses, is that everyone has an issue with their mother and/or father (I include myself in this). So the impact they have is so great and I think what it comes down to is our dissapointment in them. At one point they almost seemed superhuman so to see them just as normal or even worse unhappy, neurotic etc is quite hard to take, but I think it's really a test for us to accept them as they are, obviously if they show signs of wanting change then help them. 

But bottom line is you absolutely can't help anyone that doesn't want help, it almost seems illogical if you're on a path because why would someone choose pain when there is an alternative? But it is what it is 

[philosogi]

@Consept Definitely. The temptation to want to help is even greater because often we feel that we're trapped in their presence, or trapped with our blood ties. And maybe even our ego could see them as part of its identity. So if the parents are really struggling and not living up to our standards, our ego's sense of self could be diminished.

[Consept]

@philosogi

Very true, I hadn't thought of that, but yes it makes sense that our ego would include them in its identity, probably more so with them seeing us as part of their ego, which would account for why they always want us to follow a certain path which will reflect well on them. Once both sides take ego out of it and just appreciate the other then real progress can be made instead of trying to change the other we see fit