Lost: Social Resistance And Self-doubt

[Omega]

Can people relate to that feeling when you want to do something and finally get yourself together and pursue this something, but am faced with social resistance in the face of which you begin to doubt yourself intensely - is what you fight for even right, good, worthwhile, etc.?

It is important to understand that this question comes from a place of great misery, feeling both lost and alien in the world.

Paul Chek once said "I'm normal, humanity is sick." Teal Swan touched on the issue, I believe, in her post about authenticity and how the anti-Teal campaigns made her feel like her existence is wrong, "This very train of thinking is what led to my suicide attempts years ago."

The situation is that I live at home and am currently somewhat frowned upon by my family. I do remember that topic back from the birth of the forum where the consensus of people stated that they don't share nor tell friends and relatives about their interest in PD, but this is difficult wrt diet, fitness and meditation, among other things. There seems to be a run and retreat mechanism: I will try to implement something or make a change. Testing the waters, momentarily unveiling parts of the facade (that I believe most people create, read 'The Drama of the Gifted Child'), but once scorned sufficiently, I revert. As you might imagine, this causes great confusion and self-doubt. Since early childhood I have sensed a hypocritical attitude in others where they idly aspire to certain ideals (health, success, etc.) - yet simultaneously almost keep others down in their pursuit of those very ideals. And this behavior absolutely baffles me.

I don't think there is any point to describe the situation any further. Fill in the blanks. I hope that I managed to convey the gist of the topic that I want to raise a discussion about. How can you possibly work with your parents rather than against them? Does self-actualization work have to be this strenuous?

[ProblemSolving]

Usually a different attitude towards the whole situation can make all the change. And never forget about the shades of grey when you fall into black and white thinking.

Example: I really thought that this personal development is a good thing. Found out that nofap and actualized forum was rather some mental masturbation for me. I could've made more out of it but I created this resistance myself. Now I don't take Leo's words for granted. A few weeks ago I probably thought differently. Now I am at a point where I don't truly believe in his concepts but there will also be no stigmatizing towards him ( I still like some of his videos). I keep him in the shades of grey, where basically everything in life should be. Now to create a connection to your topic:

Of couse there will be resistance from people. Resistance is part of life. It is a thing that has so much importance in our life. Doesn't matter whether you see it from a physical or mental perspective. But judging such a natural phenomenon creates no result. See it as what it is. A power that is able to throttle and transform at the same time. 

When you understand this and you still think that there is just too much inner resistance to actually change certain things in your life, don't ever create an external enemy like a parent or something. Yeah, because this parent manipulated you since you were born blabla. It can be nice when parents support you on the path that you decided to go, but you can't count on others that much. And if so many people tell you that you shouldn't do a certain thing like a very exotic career choice or whatever and you let them influence you, that puts you in this weird position that you prefer regreting your own life choices over going against the flow that others created for you. 

[FindingPeace]

43 minutes ago, Blaze35 said:

Can people relate to that feeling when you want to do something and finally get yourself together and pursue this something, but am faced with social resistance in the face of which you begin to doubt yourself intensely - is what you fight for even right, good, worthwhile, etc.?

This is fairly typical of human society. You have two choices in life: you can go with the flow, do what everyone else does or what they tell you to do. Or you can do something different. The issue is that other people see it as a threat to their own ego or world view when you start doing things differently to what they expect. Generally society will always try to pull back or outcast people that try to break the mould. This is why cultures develop and a general world-view that is common to a society. It might have had a useful survival purpose back in ancient times, but in this day and age it only holds people back from exploring their true potential.

It also threatens people when they see you doing something different and also see how it is benefiting you. This creates an incongrunce between their morals and what they do in life and what you are doing. For them it becomes a moral issue - there's the 'right way' and the 'norm' which is morally acceptable and there's the 'wrong way' or the way that breaks the 'code' of the society. But when they see the 'wrong way' creating success and fulfillment from you it creates a huge misalignment within their own beliefs and values. Sometimes because they wished they could do the same but never had the foresight or motivation to pursue it.

I've experienced it myself. There was a time when I chose to leave education and the pursuit of a high-end career in order to pursue something 'less glamourous', but fundamentally more aligned with my own interests and passions. I got all sorts of eye-raising objections from friends and family. However, as I continued regardless, I also got respect and encouragement from people for my taking the initiative to do something of my own accord.

When people put up resistance it says more about them than it does about you. It isn't you that's doing something wrong. It's the fact that you activities are provoking something with the other people that they are denying themselves, that is the issue. Their resistance isn't about you, it's about them.

It's diffifcult to know how to continue in the face of such resistance, especially when it causes conflict - particularly within the family. You either have to press on regardless in the face of the resistance, knowing that at least you are giving yourself the best opportunities in life that they are, in effect, taking away from you. Or you change your circumstances so that you aren't around the people causing the resistance. Not always easy either.

Ultimately, to give up on your own growth and development and fall back in line with everyone else, is to life your life as a slave to the conditioning of society. It's the antithesis of personal development.

 

Incidentally, there's another name for this topic - it's the crab mentallity. When a crab tries to climb out of a bucket of crabs, the others will try to pull it back in. Don't let other's be crabs in your bucket of life. Get out of the bucket and live a more fulfilling life than they will ever live.

[Omega]

@ProblemSolving I understand that experience is only a function of perspective - and perspective can change. However, this resistance seems very real. Like certain actions will unmistakably provoke certain reactions and I have to relate to or work with those reactions.

Tying in with what @FindingPeace said: It isn't in my nature to give up on my pursuit of growth. Thus I am 'trapped'. I am dependent on the financial support from my parents. I live in an environment in which I cannot conceive of a possibility where I can develop integrity. The things I would like to do, my authentic opinions, the 'real' me, none of this would be accepted, and the facade has begun to feel restraining, smothering.

It is within my power to say fuck all: I follow my own agenda. While still open to hear other's suggestions, I could act from a place of autonomy, but such a move would be very, very ill received.

There is such a conflict about what directions to go in. I feel like that if I don't follow through on the intellectual insights I gained from this PD-material then this is a personal failure - I let myself down.

If I am really subject to black and white thinking (how?) it would be really helpful to get a concrete third perspective that explains how I am perhaps not trapped at all.

[Saarah]

@Blaze35 as long as the issue is only that you are financially dependent on them, then all it takes is building towards independence and then living your life the way you want. I can understand the smothering feeling though that you'll have to endure meanwhile, all you have to remind yourself of is wisdom. That you are being wise at the expense of fuller authenticity for now, there is a time and a place for your expression, unless you don't mind dealing with the very ill reception you speak of, I don't really know your situation and what that would entail, it's for you to decide 

but after that, if you are still in contact with them once you have financial independence, just be sure their interaction with you won't be an issue, that you don't start feeling guilty etc from their pressures 

patience and slowing down is needed, try not to get lost in ideas about how you want your life one way and you can't have it that way for a while, just focus on making life work right now in whatever capacity 

[Matthew Lamot]

@Blaze35

One of the first things you can learn to do when faced with resistance from other people (and it's not just in the family, it is pretty much everywhere you go) is practice an attitude called karma yoga.

This is extremely powerful, and it will develop your mind and heart to a high level, you will keep your sense of humour when being dragged down and you will be able to think clearly because if you learn this practice you can free up a shit load of mental energy so that you can get on with your life.

First you need to understand how life works.  When you perform an action, like writing this post for (example sake) you are always looking for an outcome.  Everybody is.  I defy anybody to tell me that when they put something out there, they are not doing it to get something back.  This is just how every human being works.  As long as we are a human nervous system this is what is going on, this exchange.

Now, you need to get to grips with the fact that the RESPONSE you get actually doesn't belong to you, that you are not actually entitled to it.  This is the tricky counter intuitive part.  You are putting actions out there in order to get pleasure from the response yeah, but the secret is you must learn to put those actions out there and understand that it is ultimately upto the "field" what response you get back.  This is because the field is a very large complex system that is dependent on so many factors.

To illustrate this simply, lets think about your post.  You wrote it in hope for a good response, yeah?  Well, as soon as you hit the submit button, you have put the message out there and now it's in the hands of the field.  So, just say I read your post, and then I decide to answer it, depending on the mood I'm in I might not write a great response.  But that's not just me, your response isnt dependent on just me.  Its dependent on a whole bunch of other factor.  Like, my level of education, the place I'm inhabiting when I write the message, what mood I was in, my current state of mind as a whole, my neighbours who are playing loud music, their dog who is sick and who they are rushing out the house to take to the vet while they accidentally clip my car mirror and take it clean off, then Im more pissed at that and this all comes back to you in a form you didnt really hope for. 

So this is how the field works.  It is huge, and it doesnt conform to our wishes, it is more interested in organizing itself for its own sake.  Sometimes it does respond well, but the complex nature of it makes it more likely that we dont really get what we were hoping for most of the time.  Yes, good things happen, and you can verify that in your experience.  But if you also look at the way life works, you will see that it actually does work in this way that does not conform to your wishes, and that most of the things we hope for never quite materialize in the way we really want.

The more you self actualize, the more you see that this is how reality works.

But this is not the complete picture.  At the same time we also learn how to cope with these little defeats.  If we are wise, we learn to let go of expectation and just do our thing regardless.  No person can not act.  Everyone acts, even sitting still is an action.  So there is no escape from action.  We cannot escape this world and having a body mind organism that is always in direct relationship to a universe that does not always respond kindly to our expectations.

So how to deal with this?

Well, we need to put our thing out there and learn to let go of the outcome - come what may!  But also at the same time contemplate and have this background self inquiry going on and being observant about our desires and if we think fulfilling our desires and attempting to get them filled is really the way to become happy?  This is not going to change you overnight, but if you take it seriously and analyze life and reality you will come to the point where you are not bothered what happens when you put your authentic self out there, and moreso you will begin to slowly slowly give up a lot of the desires that will be keeping you fixated on trying to get what you think you want to make you happy.

So this is how to deal with life that is not agreeing with you, while still being who you are, and while engaging in an ongoing inquiry into the nature of life and whether your attempts to get happiness from your environment are really worth pursuing in the end.

 

[Matthew Lamot]

4 hours ago, Blaze35 said:

If I am really subject to black and white thinking (how?) it would be really helpful to get a concrete third perspective that explains how I am perhaps not trapped at all.

What you got to understand is, they are not trying to hold you down, they are just doing what they need to do in life, because they are also trapped in their own desires and trapped in a field that doesnt seem to care about their wants either.

If you can see how this works, you can see that nothing is personal, and the universe is just doing what it does.  This is how it actually is, its not a case that people are out to mess with you, (that is a way of intepreting things), but it is not based on reality and what is really going on.  The more you adopt the karma yoga view the more you understand reality and what is going on there.  To be able to seperate what is true from what is false is the mark of a person who is going places.  If you make it personal, then youre screwed, because then the mind gets very agitated and everybody is your enemy.

Choose your frame wisely

Edited August 23, 2016 by Matthew Lamot

[Matthew Lamot]

12 hours ago, Blaze35 said:

Paul Chek once said "I'm normal, humanity is sick." 

This is also a very nonsense statement and also very ignorant.  What I assume this person means here that somehow as an ego he is special and others who get in his way are not.

This is just fucking narcissism at its best.

If you listen to crap like this you will end up like that yourself.  Doing karma yoga and seeing that you are also part of the needy people who is not getting their desires met by a nasty universe will fair you better.  

No wonder you feel alienated if you are being influenced by this nonsense.

[Omega]

@Saarah You're right. I should definitely work towards independence rather than being caught up in dilemmas.

I do think that there are two sides to this. I agree with the statement that true happiness must be unconditional, yet I still have preferences.

[1] I desire to live in a synergistic environment where I feel supported and non-restricted. If growth lies in this direction, I will need to take action to find a new social group and move away from home.
[2] Circumstance can't be controlled (at least in the direct sense). It would seem necessary to learn to accept or relate to any situation that I find myself in.

The two quotes were mostly meant to illustrate how you begin to doubt yourself in the face of resistance (Teal Swan) yet can be so calm and confident (Paul Chek) even when you know that you are taking the road less traveled, that your decisions are controversial and unpopular. I don't consider Paul Chek arrogant or grandiosely narcissistic, but he recognizes that people have a potential for something much greater which they squander or fail to realize - and be at peace with this. And I couldn't.

I really appreciate the responses. They really cover some great points in depth.

@Matthew Lamot Can you link to a resource on karma yoga? Is the attitude practice mental or classic yoga, or both?

[Matthew Lamot]

Just now, Blaze35 said:

@Saarah You're right. I should definitely work towards independence rather than being caught up in dilemmas.

I do think that there are two sides to this. I agree with the statement that true happiness must be unconditional, yet I still have preferences.

[1] I desire to live in a synergistic environment where I feel supported and non-restricted. If growth lies in this direction, I will need to take action to find a new social group and move away from home.
[2] Circumstance can't be controlled (at least in the direct sense). It would seem necessary to learn to accept or relate to any situation that I find myself in.

The two quotes were mostly meant to illustrate how you begin to doubt yourself in the face of resistance (Teal Swan) yet can be so calm and confident (Paul Chek) even when you know that you are taking the road less traveled, that your decisions are controversial and unpopular. I don't consider Paul Chek arrogant or grandiosely narcissistic, but he recognizes that people have a potential for something much greater which they squander or fail to realize - and be at peace with this. And I couldn't.

I really appreciate the responses. They really cover some great points in depth.

@Matthew Lamot Can you link to a resource on karma yoga? Is the attitude practice mental or classic yoga, or both?

James Swartz has lots of information on KY.  You can click on his website and it will take you to a lot of resources.  Its the mental practice, but its also really a worldview based on an accurate analysis of the ego.  Its a science rather than a religion.