Need tips on dealing with intense feelings of shame ( rant )

[Shiva99]

Today was a very, very bad day.  I've been battling financial problems over the past few weeks because of having no job and bills to pay, and i've been hanging on for dear life. Surviving with a minimum amount of food (barely any), almost a totally empty bank account ( 5 bucks), no money on my phone to call etc etc. All of this to stay out of debt, paying bills on time. I was on survival mode, but i was getting by, and even though maybe it was not healthy at times i felt proud of myself. Today however, i broke down and lost it. The only means of transportation i had left was my bicycle, and some people in my residency thought it was funny to mess with it, stealing my bags i use for grocery shopping, flattening my tires etc etc. My tires were flat, and as stupid as it may sound, i didn't have any money to fix it at all. The only means of getting to my job at this point would have been a busride ( again no money for it, and didn't wanna risk not paying because of moral and very high fines), or a 3 hour walk back and forth, and for some reason i bursted down in tears and lost it. I contacted my social worker, and again i bursted out in tears in front of her, which is when i started feeling intense feelings of shame. She very much understood my situation, offering me money so i could survive this week ( started new job 3 weeks ago and getting paid soon), but at first i couldn't accept it at all. I felt like a huge failure, having to loan money from her, not being able to make it myself. For some reason this feeling is still here with me right now , and it's verry annoying. I feel ashamed for having cried in front of her, and also because i had to loan money. I obviously will pay it back soon, but the very act of having to loan money like this is feeling like a total defeat for me.  

 

[Nahm]

@Shiva99

Sorry to hear of the rough recent ride and congrat’s on the new job. Things will get better.  On the pride & shame spectrum, one way to look at it is to scrutinize self referential thinking, the freedom to which, is feeling. Consider, in thinking about yourself in the manor of proud of yourself, there seems to be a ‘self’ there in that thinking...while in actuality you are still ‘positioned’ ‘furthest back’, as the awareness of the arising thoughts...about a ‘you’...which there isn’t (again, you are the awareness of  X, no matter what X is). If you’re getting what I’m saying here, consider more simply the good feeling of proud that you are rising above the challenges of living you’re facing. It can be interpreted as confirming of the power of your attitude and choices. 

Likewise, shame requires two parties. Either you and another person...or you (awareness) and the thought of you, which is not an actuality, outside of being, a thought. A thought can’t really be about you. Anything else really, but never you. You are always the eternal awareness prior to the thoughts. Spending a little time with this (if it seems complex at first) can bust the cycle of self referential thinking to such a liberating degree, that as ‘thoughts of old’ arise (“about yourself”), they arise in the clarity which you literally truly are, and what stressed you out and held you back of old, quite literally becomes joyful and a funny. I don’t mean any offense in putting it that way, But hope it’s taken as a pointer to the immeasurable power you really have available in simply being you, without the facade of limited thinking about ‘you’. 

 

 

[Shiva99]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Likewise, shame requires two parties. Either you and another person...or you (awareness) and the thought of you, which is not an actuality, outside of being, a thought. A thought can’t really be about you. Anything else really, but never you. You are always the eternal awareness prior to the thoughts. Spending a little time with this (if it seems complex at first) can bust the cycle of self referential thinking to such a liberating degree, that as ‘thoughts of old’ arise (“about yourself”), they arise in the clarity which you literally truly are, and what stressed you out and held you back of old, quite literally becomes joyful and a funny. I don’t mean any offense in putting it that way, But hope it’s taken as a pointer to the immeasurable power you really have available in simply being you, without the facade of limited thinking about ‘you’. 

Yes, i understand. I know what you are talking about, but i can't stay as awareness. I'm meditating 1 hour every morning, but it's not paying off yet. Especially when i enter the job environment, and get surrouned by colleaugues, for some reason there is a huge pull from my mind, and i can't just be, i feel like i become stuck between my thoughts in my mind, and it starts looping in itself endlessly.

[LarryW]

"I felt like a huge failure"    "I feel ashamed"   "feeling like a total defeat for me."

Sorry to hear you're going through this and I hope the new job works out well for you. We are our own worst critics aren't we? I know it's tough when our ambitions are thwarted, but when it happens to someone else it seems easier to have sympathy. I suppose it's to do with our imprinting from childhood, but if our practice can teach us compassion for ourselves as much as others it'd be a great help. What meditation do you practice? Maybe something which focusses on the heart would be helpful, like loving-kindness, compassion, or heartfulness. Just a thought. 

[Shiva99]

5 hours ago, LarryW said:

What meditation do you practice? Maybe something which focusses on the heart would be helpful, like loving-kindness, compassion, or heartfulness. Just a thought. 

I'm using the "Do nothing" method for meditation. It's the only method that resonates with me. 

[LarryW]

I've found Do Nothing an effective technique, I guess all meditations are just different ways up the same mountain.  Keep it up, 1 hour a day is a good amount too! Really hope it starts to pay off soon. 

[RobertZ]

I looked up your question because I also felt shame recently--certainly not the same as you felt--but I also wanted advice. Thanks, @Nahm for your advice.

I will spare you the details; but I this is my reflection on my shame.

My denial is an excellent place to start—once I am in a safe place, and alone. “To what extent do I trust myself? For example, is it safe for me to admit what I feel right now, and what I felt recently, and what happened?”

The answer—whether I can trust myself--might not be obvious. I see my mind as a group of personalities who sit around and discuss (the harsher and more self-critical voices in my mind are there for good reason). One idea is a commission, to get some advice. This commission will be a sub-counsel of voices in my own mind “who will not break a bruised reed or quench a smouldering wick.” I want to think about my shame—and the only voices I want with ‘me’ are wise and kind aspects of my personality. We will consider the issue. These aspects of my personality will then bring a tentative conclusion or recommendation for the whole mind to adopt and scrutinize.

Is there any part of my “wise” personality whom some humiliation won’t kill?

The sub-group:

How do I feel? 

Vulnerable. Like a part of me might be sacrificed —I’m full of denial— Dry mouth, racing heart, slow time, pain, tension, many fears, eye contact shutdown, feeling unworthy, and aware of my defects.

Where do I want to go? Another way to this is, ‘what do I want to happen,’ or ‘What is important to me, in deciding what I want?’

I think I need to get granular about the values involved with my experience of shame. I am not trying to shut any aspects of my personality down, but there seems to be a problem.

Granular is good. Leading up to the moment of shame, what was going through my mind? What was motivating to me? What was I feeling before the shameful events? 

Well, I wasn’t feeling perfect, but I thought that things were going pretty smoothly. 

Why wasn’t it great?

Well, I lacked something. 

Bingo. And, is my whole mind going to blame me for needing something?

What about the consequences of the shame? First, people have their problems and joys to think about, even if they remember that I made them feel bad. Secondly, ‘Do not leave your place. Gentleness can assuage great wrath.’ What roles do the following  play in achieving my life-vision: (i) my motivation leading up to the shame; and (ii) the parts of myself that have to deal with the consequences of the shame?

(i)             My motivation to share my knowledge (my motivation leading up to the shame) is a massive part of my vision. Where was the context of the shameful event? Why was I there in the first place? Was I looking for a position? I identify with my thoughts. I lack confidence. I fear conflict. I need to improve my questioning.  

(ii)            The part of myself that ‘has to deal with consequences’ could use some reframing. “What is my vision anyway?” .... Okay—I know what I need to do. I need to learn about [work-XYZ], And I can sell a vision doing [work-XYZ]. My mind will likely accept this solution to my shame.

How afraid am I now? Less. I am still scared of powerlessness and not knowing what to say or do because of moral failings or my unbridled enthusiasm. Otherwise, I have to go back on more fundamental assumptions about my discretion to test life-hypotheses right now.

Can I do this? I can start.

What happens if I fail? I have much more skin in the game than I did last time I failed. I’m also taking a lower-risk approach at this new attempt at life. My cards are stacked as best as I can. I plan to have a strong foundation in family, physical strength, principles, knowledge, and kindness. If I "fail" I will fall like a falling ember or a burning match.

What is my higher purpose?  My purpose is to affirm the existence above, below, and within me.

It may be that I am foolish and worthless. However, I have chosen my cards. Let’s find out what happens when I live like this. I am stronger for having gone through this shame. I’m ready to refocus on [...].