General reflections (videos, books)

[susanyzm]

In this journal, I keep a general reflection on videos and books that inspire me. 

I never thought that not having a life purpose could result in so many problems.

A lot of my compulsive behaviors originate from not having a life purpose, not from a lack of willpower. The unhappiness of living an unfulfilled life is “dripping on the head”—that’s quite a vivid statement. 

To be honest, I thought having a clear purpose is a luxury. 

I’ve always felt that there’s something bigger than just doing a 9-5 job. But my attention has been scattered around many things. The resistance of clearly defining a purpose is generated by my fear. Fear of failure, the fear of putting myself out there. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear of judging myself. 

Without a life purpose, life is like a slippery slope. Traps are hidden a long the way. 

Having a defined life purpose is a must-have of a good life. I’ll start from where I am. 

[susanyzm]

-Attachment of argument.

Insecurity, emotional reactivity and trigger.

If I’m triggered, does it mean I feel insecure about my position so that I have to argue for it? 

 

I used to be easily triggered by people who believe it’s easy to overcome trauma. Anyone who feels traumatized are too vulnerable and dramatic.

Now I have deliberately built different sources of emotional support. I only talk to people who can understand about my true feelings. I don’t argue in my mind about what’s right and what’s wrong. Truth be told, I don’t understand experiences that I’ve never been through myself. 

I was triggered by a girl who said I was too insensitive to her sharing her true feelings. I was quite surprised that she felt hurt by me voicing different opinions. Looking back, I was too quick to assert my view before I validated her emotion. So, I learned that people come to me with their problems not to seek my advice but my hears to listen. I need to stop offering unsolicited suggestions. 

 

-Notice the subtle feelings. Notice when you don’t feel good. Don’t disassociate:

I meditate and record major emotional shifts every day. This has truly helped me to be more aware of my feelings.

Yesterday, I was feeling empty after lunch. I used to numb this feeling with a lot of entertainment shows and food. I caught this feeling, and I listened. The voice behind this feeling is: “You won’t achieve anything. Your dream is too vague. You are too small to make it come true. People don’t find you special.” 

I ate some food but it tasted bland. I watched some shows that made me laugh. I talked to friends about my feelings. But I was aware for the first time how meaningless they could be. I felt even more lost after. 

So I decide to turn the emptiness into the opportunity to reflect upon myself by journaling. 

I’m becoming more and more sensitive to the feeling of fulfillment and emptiness. 

 

I notice something different in me. I can just sit and listen to Leo talk for 10 minutes. In the past, I couldn’t sit still and have my hands do nothing. I always pick up something to do while listening to him. So this is a sign of a more settled mind. 

 

 

[susanyzm]

 

－Shadow work can be wonderful.

I do shadow work by journaling, especially about things that upset me.

 

—Shadow work frees you.

The biggest success of my shadow work is self love. I’ve never truly loved myself. Looking back on my life, I see how I kept making the same mistakes, running in circles, hating myself for it, yet not knowing how to get out of it. The conclusion I came to was: “I was too damaged to heal.”

However, shadow work has dug out the truth for me. The truth is: “I do not love myself unconditionally.” Abusive words in my mind is a driving force behind all of my unexplainable actions.

So I come to a new conclusion: “Unless I love myself unconditionally, weird actions, weird things and weird people will keep happening in my life.”

That’s how a lot of positive changes take place. 

 

—Secure relationships.

I deliberately let my shadow into the light in my relationships. For instance, I’m quite messed up in my finances. I let it be known to good friends. Instead of judging me, they encourage me to set good intensions, have faith and set a goal. For another example, I’m too quick to pass judgment on people before I validate their feelings. I shared my experiences, and some of my friends gave me feedback on how they felt when I offered unsolicited advice. This has helped me to be more sensitive and compassionate. 

A secure relationship feels like this: I’m not perfect, yet I’m loved.

I feel a lot safer in my relationships. 

[susanyzm]

About conspiracy theory.

I don’t know much about conspiracy theory. But there are many theories that scare people. For instance, sayings like “It’s very hard to break the class ceiling because the powerful and the rich have monopolized the resources.”

 

I think these paralyzing thoughts, though they may be true to a certain degree, are not unbreakable iron.

 

For me personally, focusing on my purpose and trusting that things will work out in the universe’s unique way is a more positive thinking I need to adopt.

 

I find that the mind is always trying to find excuse. Original family, gender inequality, social expectations, education that does not encourage creativity, etc. can all be excuses. Though they may be significant factors in one’s life, there are ways to fix the damage they have caused.

 

“Take 100% responsibility for your life.” This is something I need to remind myself of.

[susanyzm]

I was hit by a strong wave of emotion of worthlessness yesterday morning. Thanks to the self-awareness practice, I knew that I must prevent myself from sinking it. It was hard, because I felt so powerless, not able to even stand up. The abusive words and painful memories came flooding in my mind. I couldn’t find any strength. So I turned on Louise Hay’s videos and collapsed on the table, listening to her.

I’ve listened to her words many times. But when I’m this vulnerable, her words sound even more healing. 

Pain is just thoughts, and we can change our thoughts. 

I said to myself: “This is a good opportunity to love myself back.”

 

“No matter what your problem is, whether it’s weight, marriage, relationships, money, healthy, it’s all originated from the lack of self love.”

 

I did not believe it. But now I do. In a mental picture, I saw myself hung by a thread. Beneath me is a sea of suffering. That thread is love. If I cut down my practice in self love, I’m closer to suffering inch by inch. 

 

It’s so simple. Just say “I love you” as often as possible.

 

Yet it’s so hard. My ego laughs at this simple method. 

 

At night, I did some yoga stretching while listening to self-love meditation. For the first time, I had a realization: I don’t have to understand or believe in these words. If I’m relaxed enough, my cells absorb these words like a sponge. 

 

I left the meditation on, almost inaudible, throughout the night.

 

I felt a lot more energized this morning.

 

From today on, “I love you” is my new mantra.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBOijSpYvcA

[susanyzm]

01 We are in a dark age.

We haven’t got everything figured out. A lot of things that we believe to be true have never been questions. Be open minded. 

I see so many people are not happy in life, myself too. I have never questioned a lot of beliefs. I’m starting to do it now. 

Question everything. 

 

02 Your mind is interpreting everything. You’re not taking the world in as raw facts. 

I’ve been believing everything that mind tells me. It runs from a place of fear. So my life has been a reflection of fear, limits, frustration, and lack. 

I can let go of the stories. The stories are there, but I don’t have to be affected by them. 

I’m using pre-installed apps in my mind. I don’t know how to update the apps, delete the apps, or install new apps. Apps are for the dumbest users.

This needs to change. I need to write my own app, and even the system. 

 

03 Turn yourself into a self-help project.

I’m experimenting with a lot of self-help habits. This is fun.

It used not to be the case. I felt self-help is grinding, hard, painful, and I need to bite my teeth to do it.

Leo’s Non-Doctrine principle has freed me from the mindset. Growing myself starts to be fun and full of surprises.  

 

04 Pursue life beyond material. Your eyes need to be on the prize. 

Material things are important. But if they are the end goal, life is bound to get miserable.

I’m enjoying pursuing materialistic goals. But I’m aware that this is not all there is to life.

They are preparing me for my life purpose.

 

05 Self-actualization is going to be discouraged.

I don’t get discouraged by others so much as by myself. Once I overcome the self-critique, things start to flow.

I expect to be discouraged by people in the future. But the world is changed by my example, not my opinions. So I need to make myself an example. 

Jail break my mind. 

 

[susanyzm]

This video truly resonates with me.

I find that if I do deep stretching before bedtime for one hour, the next day, my mind is automatically calm and clear. My bad habits disappear and never shows a bit of craving. Fear, anger, anxiety, overthinking, these negative emotions are out of touch. I can't find a reason for it. My intelligence is too strong to admit that the body is actually a shortcut to enlightenment. So, I didn't keep doing it. As Leo said, intelligence can be a curse. 

I've been living in my head for too long. I've made a lot of progress, but then it hit a bottle neck. The trauma stored in my body cannot be released by intelligence and analyzing. Any more accumulation of reasoning and knowledge is a burden. I feel my body is being controlled by some force bigger than me. My brain is foggy and my whole being is shrouded in a ball of dark energy.

But once I continue to do deep stretching and meditation before bedtime, all these symptoms disappear. 

This video has given me a lot of backing on my feeling. I appreciate what Leo has validated for me: 

1. Meditation alone is not enough. The body is equally important as spirit. But it does not get enough attention. 

2. Chakras need to be cleaned to let go of the negativity and absorb in the positivity. It has to happen in the body. 

3. Commit one hour of practice to it every day for one year and see the difference.

4. Experiment with yourself. The revelations you get from your own experiences are much more powerful than what you learn from a book or a guru.

I'll commit to relaxing my body while keeping meditation, journaling and reading. I'm very confident it will be a game changer.

 

 

 

[susanyzm]

From this video I learned that I can't expect other people, this world or even myself to be up to my expectations. Nature has its own way. And it does not owe anyone an explanation or justification. 

All I can do is to see what I can do based on the reality I have. I need to experiment myself. My feelings and emotions are my compass. 

Another thing I realize is that the world is full of traps. People expect other people to be just like them. They promulgate what work for them. That's how I run my life into ground by trying to be like other people. The thing is, I'm so different from other people. Physically, I'm quite a unique existence. My brain and body are wired quite differently. For years I've turned a blind eye to the fact that I'm different. So I trash myself when I can't do what other people do and can't live life as other people do. At one point, I truly believed that I was crazy. 

Now I see I need to figure out my own puzzle. I've figured out ways to discuss things I want to discuss, to explore topics that I want to explore, and to be extremely open about what kind of life style I want. This has removed a huge chip off my shoulder. I greatly appreciate Leo's generosity in sharing this little known fact of life. 

 

 

 

[susanyzm]

I question myself a lot: "Should I be doing this? Is this right for me? I thought it would work out but why it doesn't? Was my decision wrong?"

Now, I know I can just view it as an opportunity to ponder upon my life. I need to give them deeper thinking than emotional reaction of "look you messed up again."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[susanyzm]

Everyone has his or her own journey in finding their truth. It is very important to find my own truth by trials and errors. 

Yoga in a classroom is quite distracting because I need to check the teacher's posture and I am unconsciously comparing to other people, which pulls me away from the most important thing: breathing. So now I do yoga on my own.

Eating disorder is the result of disassociation with the feeling of the body. I need to cleanse my body every day to keep it sensitive.

I cried watching this video. I think it's because this is exactly the life I want: a beautiful family, rising early in the morning to practice yoga in beautiful nature, enjoying alone time, meeting people and animals, and going ahead to start the day with an energized body and mind.

Trauma resides in the body. I need to constantly remind myself of this, especially when I slip back to old self-sabotaging behaviors. Stop blaming myself and start cleansing the body. 

 

 

 

[susanyzm]

I didn't know that I should put myself out there to feel the right balance for myself. I always listen to what other people say and feel frustrated that I'm not getting the same results as other people do. Leo's right, even Buddha can't give me an exactly correct piece of advice because he is not me. I learn general principles, practices and eventually I need to experiment them on myself and make minute adjustment along the way.

Other people's truth is not my truth. My truth is not anybody else's truth.

I was quite a newbie. I asked for quick fixes. I reasoned and rationalized a lot. I didn't care much about spiritual. 

I was living too much in my head rather than my body. 

Now I start to change and grow. 

[susanyzm]

I didn't know that I should put myself out there to feel the right balance for myself. I always listen to what other people say and feel frustrated that I'm not getting the same results as other people do. Leo's right, even Buddha can't give me an exactly correct piece of advice because he is not me. I learn general principles, practices and eventually I need to experiment them on myself and make minute adjustment along the way.

Other people's truth is not my truth. My truth is not anybody else's truth.

I was quite a newbie. I asked for quick fixes. I reasoned and rationalized a lot. I didn't care much about spiritual. 

I was living too much in my head rather than my body. 

Now I start to change and grow. 

[susanyzm]

I need to criticize myself less, or stop it all at once.

Criticism leads to self-destructive behaviors. It stokes emotion and blurs my judgment and sanity. All my bad habits are generated by my abusive self talk. This can be quite counter-intuitive: self-acceptance with strong compassion is the best motivation driver. 

Nothing is good or bad. It's just "Is". Take information from the situation and process it. Make adjustment according to it.

When I find myself or the situation below the expectations, I'll tell myself: "This is a signal for me to make adjustment. Nothing more than this."

I failed at my healthy diet yesterday again. This is a signal: "You need to be more focused on relaxation. Otherwise the fear and anxiety stored up in you body will knock you off from time to time."

Just start. It's not that difficult. You probably don't know what you are doing and this feeling will come up even if you are on track. It's okay. It's the journey that grows you, not the results. 

Grow it. And it will grow you.

 

[susanyzm]

I choose to realize my life purpose. I accept the pain that comes along with it.

So far, I find joy far more than pain in this process.