Bisexuality, kink, bdsm, tantra, single, polyamoury ( a mention of sex abuse)

[Bestversionofme]

Hey guys, idk if you guys can relate to this.

I've been addicted to porn since middle school. I've watched straight, gay, bi porn, kinky porn, bdsm porn and homoerotic straight porn like gangbangs, dps, double vaginal, double blowjob( two dicks, one mouth). Lost my virginity at 14/15, didn't have my first experience with a guy untill I was 22. I'm 26 at the moment. I consider myself now to be bisexual, although I've considered myself straight for majority of my life ( even if I was to never have a sexual experience with a man ever again, as long as I watch porn I will be watching whatever makes blood rush to my d*ck, guy or girl) also if I'm out and about if I see a man I find very good looking, that's there and I can't ignore it even if I never act on it. The way masculinity is and how guys interact with each other ( I'm black, as black people it's kinda ingrained to be homophobic, some say white people brought homosexuality to blacks through slavery, I digress) but because the way manhood and masculinity is set up I've never really got to openly express any slight attractions, just hide it. I have attractions to women but they fluctuate from man to women, women to men. At times I've overcompensated my attractions to women because I didn't want to be seen as queer.( I've learned that queer just means not straight, not necessarily gay, but definitely not straight). Upon exploring my sexuality, not just with men but going to swinger sex parties in college a few years ago, I made an account on this kink/ fetish site called FetLife. It's basically a kinky facebook. Ive met folks, gone to munches, went to bdsm and kink workshops. All this is cool but in a lot of ways it feels like i live a secret life and I often feel hypersexual. One for being bi and another for being into all these non vanilla expressions of sexuality. The folks I've met in those space, straight and queer alike have explored polyamory, folks with 3,4, 5 different romantic and or sexual partners, triads. Very unconventional, which is cool but I don't think I can live out loud like that, that would just add to this feeling I have of being hypersexual. Not to mention sexuality with men is very different, guys want to do stuff and there's ultimately no stigma the way there is slut shaming with women. If you download grindr right now you can find a blowjob in 5 mins. I'm not necessarily into that because again this fear I have around hypersexuality.

 

Any way, in a lot of ways any mention of sexuality it's either straight or gay. It gives me a lot of anxiety thinking about that. The labelling?  But I'll probably watch leo's video on self acceptance. What's yall take on sexuality ,as far as orientation, or even non vanilla sex. Being the spiritual guy I am I would love to incorporate tantra with a partner I have a strong emotional bond with. ( I've never dated a man and when I picture all that romantic stuff I see a woman,  not a man, idk what that means).

I also am curious to know the origins of sexuality. Idk why I am this way. Some say you're born this way, you're born lesbian? Born gay? Born bisexual? I have no idea. I was only aware of any same sex attraction because of porn in middle school( from what I can remember). It was the hardcore internet stuff, not the hbo, cinemax) Some say it's from child molestation. I remember having a family friend dry hump me non consentually when I was 11. I didn't do anything about it, but I hated it ,felt emasculated and forgot it completely. It was masked as playing around. I was 11 and the guy was 13. One of my older brothers had did the same thing to me when I was around that age too and was masked as playing around. It wasn't like a sexual I'm getting off kinda thing but it definitely was a power imbalance. I'm sure my brother forgot, yes that was inappropriate but idk if that had any contribution to me being bi now.

It's something I think about a lot. My dad's straight, all the males in my family are straight, why am I like this? And I mean str8 str8 , not like me who likes vagina but also can see a hot dude and feel something.

I also have a cousin who was raped/ penetrated by a teenager that was close to his family when he was a toddler ( 2 years old, guy was about 15.) He is 100% heterosexual, and a very masculine guy. So I don't know if child sexual abuse or even early childhood sexual experience gives sexuality a detour. Idk but semen retention and some shadow work/ journaling could help me on my journey. My own perceived hypersexuality makes me feel like a pervert although I know hypersexuality is relative.

Sorry so long , thoughts?

[Thestarguitarist14]

Watching all that kinky porn did a number on your sexuality, that is for sure.

[Bestversionofme]

@Thestarguitarist14 But isn't that normal? Especially for a teen. I'm 26 , a millennial and this is the day and age of pornhub and xvideos. Unlimited amounts of porn. The youtube of porn. If I had to go sneak and find my parents vhs or dad's penthouse or whatever magazine was cool back in the day that's one thing. I was in middle school in about 07' this is pre smart phone but post youtube and beginning of youtube styled porn. Now kids can watch it on their smart phone as long as they have WiFi. How is that any different? If not worse

[Bestversionofme]

Semen retention actually helps. For one I slow down with porn or come to complete stop ( temporarily, for however long i retain) There are ways to channel your sexual energy into something creative/ productive I wish @Leo Gura made a video on semen retention, I'd want to hear is take on it. It's definitely connected to actualization. There's a guy I subscribe to on youtube called Sexual Kung fu and he talks and has practices on transmuting sexual energy.  @Michal__

[Michal__]

2 minutes ago, Bestversionofme said:

Semen retention actually helps. For one I slow down with porn or come to complete stop ( temporarily, for however long i retain) There are ways to channel your sexual energy into something creative/ productive I wish @Leo Gura made a video on semen retention, I'd want to hear is take on it. It's definitely connected to actualization. There's a guy I subscribe to on youtube called Sexual Kung fu and he talks and has practices on transmuting sexual energy.  @Michal__

Yeah, maybe you are right about semen retention. I haven't done enough to tell.

Also, fasting helped me a lot.

[Thestarguitarist14]

28 minutes ago, Bestversionofme said:

@Thestarguitarist14 But isn't that normal? Especially for a teen. I'm 26 , a millennial and this is the day and age of pornhub and xvideos. Unlimited amounts of porn. The youtube of porn. If I had to go sneak and find my parents vhs or dad's penthouse or whatever magazine was cool back in the day that's one thing. I was in middle school in about 07' this is pre smart phone but post youtube and beginning of youtube styled porn. Now kids can watch it on their smart phone as long as they have WiFi. How is that any different? If not worse

No, that’s not “normal”.  It feels that way because our society is fucked up.

That is the thing about porn.  You start off with the regular stuff, but you can’t get that “fix” so you go harder.  Then you start watching crazy shit and identifying it with your sexuality.  I have watched some bdsm and femdom.  I used to try to get women to do that shit to me.  I still remember this one woman made me squeal in horror as she bent my dick, asking me what I wanted after trying to get her to dominate me.  You see, that’s no good.

 

Time to quit porn.

[Parththakkar12]

It looks like you know how to market. You literally put every single attention-grabbing tag that you possibly could in the title of the post!

[Michal__]

46 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

No, that’s not “normal”.  It feels that way because our society is fucked up.

That is the thing about porn.  You start off with the regular stuff, but you can’t get that “fix” so you go harder.  Then you start watching crazy shit and identifying it with your sexuality.  I have watched some bdsm and femdom.  I used to try to get women to do that shit to me.  I still remember this one woman made me squeal in horror as she bent my dick, asking me what I wanted after trying to get her to dominate me.  You see, that’s no good.

 

Time to quit porn.

That's gross. 

I thought you were just talking about bisexuality lol.

[Thestarguitarist14]

1 minute ago, Michal__ said:

That's gross. 

I thought you were just talking about bisexuality lol. 
 

BDSM is heterosexual too.

[Michal__]

11 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

BDSM is heterosexual too.

11 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

BDSM is heterosexual too.

Of course, I know. I just mixed up the names on the forum.

[Javfly33]

Tantra is not like any kind of those type of sex you have mentioned.

In fact tantra is not even sex. Its the use of sexual energy for healing, opening of chakras, and non-duality states.

It´s way beyond any practice for sexual pleasure like those you have mentioned.

Edited September 27, 2020 by Javfly33

[AtheisticNonduality]

@Thestarguitarist14 Lol, so being into kinky submission stuff automatically means you're gonna have a girl bend your dick. Okay...

[Bestversionofme]

@Javfly33 Yeah I know. I'm interested in tantra for connection. All the other stuff I mentioned just seems fun and cool and turns me on when I watch porn. But all of it has to do with sexuality, and me being bisexual and my experiences and atractions to men.

[Thestarguitarist14]

2 hours ago, AtheisticNonduality said:

@Thestarguitarist14 Lol, so being into kinky submission stuff automatically means you're gonna have a girl bend your dick. Okay...

Never said that.  Just relaying my experience.

[Bestversionofme]

@Thestarguitarist14 yeah I love femdom porn. That stuff drives me wild. If I were in a relationship I'd want to incorporate tantra, bdsm/ femdom/ maledom stuff, kink, maybe even on special occasions inviting another woman or man or couple in the bedroom. I guess I need to get rid of the shame of what I like but it's hard because these are taboo. Especially male bisexuality, female bisexuality is praised

[AtheisticNonduality]

@Bestversionofme The Ancient Greeks really liked male bisexuality.

[No Self]

Anecdotally, I have observed countless examples of hypersexuality being linked to child sexual abuse.

In some ways, it is a positive thing to break down walls of taboo. However, it is important to work through and overcome trauma if at all possible. This may or may not lead to a different quality of relationship in the future.

[Thestarguitarist14]

1 hour ago, Bestversionofme said:

@Thestarguitarist14 yeah I love femdom porn. That stuff drives me wild. If I were in a relationship I'd want to incorporate tantra, bdsm/ femdom/ maledom stuff, kink, maybe even on special occasions inviting another woman or man or couple in the bedroom. I guess I need to get rid of the shame of what I like but it's hard because these are taboo. Especially male bisexuality, female bisexuality is praised

The thing is, you cannot expect a woman to replicate what you watch in porn.  Porn is not real.  

[Bestversionofme]

@No Self well in my case I don't really know if I was sexually abused. When I journaled to try to remember unprocessed memories, the two dry humping situations came up( which I had completely forgot about). (Both situations dry humping fully clothed btw). To be honest it scared the shit out of me once I only realized a few months ago, because one was my older brother so I felt pretty awkward that I couldn't talk about that and fear that it would damper our brotherhood. After talking about it to other people and people who have had far worse situations, I've decided to not count it as molestation but a gray area of inappropriate behavior or acting out. Yes he should have known better, yes he's 6 years older than me and I was like 9 or something but ultimately it wasn't a repeated thing and it's not attraction or any kinda incest stuff. The victim narrative doesn't really help me. Then I spoke to my cousin who was literally raped as a toddler by a teenage boy. He's not bi or gay, I can't really say he's hypersexual, that's relative af. Him and his girlfriend are swingers, but I can't say that's hypersexual. But he's a very macho dude, loves his guns, always at the range and he takes no shit. So talking to him made me reexamine the notion that if a male child is sexually abused he will become gay, bi, feminine, he'll be a child molester now because he was abuse. Or even just hypersexual. Idk how to define that.

[Bestversionofme]

@Thestarguitarist14 Actually when I started going to the bdsm events, munches, kink parties and made a FetLife account, I've met a lot of women who are into kink, bdsm, swinging. It's like another world. Doctors, lawyers, business professionals black, white, asian, old and young, single and taken. Married couples who just want to spice things. Young folks in their 20s. The thing about sexuality and couples is you don't know what people are into. So idk about that. I've seen some pretty wild stuff in person and not just on my web browser.