Falling Quickly Into Nihilism After Multiple Awakenings

[justfortoday]

My friends, I felt like sharing this which is weighing heavy on my heart.

Ive experienced almost daily awakenings where I’ve become absolute infinity and seen reality suspended inside of my awareness.  Ive had the experience of being awareness itself.

You can go back and read the other threads I’ve posted.

I write this with tears in my eyes, as I’ve fallen into a deep depression / nihilistic mood where I don’t see the point of my ego’s petty life.

Each awakening keeps revealing to me the truth that I am all alone. It’s a combo of nihilism and solipsism.

Being at home almost 24/7 due to the outbreak of COVID in Florida has made this especially tricky to manage.

I thought consciousness work would improve my life, but it hasn’t been the case.

I am not sure if this is what others call “The Dark Night of the Soul” but any advice would be welcome.

I am going through an incredibly tough time and no one understands the things I’ve directly become conscious of.

I cannot unsee what I have seen. 

Sometimes I regret taking this path.

?

Edited September 26, 2020 by justfortoday

[Michal__]

Frank Yang on instagram has a lot of info on dark night/enlightenment and will probably reply to your messages. I would try texting him.

[Michal__]

Also don't stop after dark night comes equinamity and then cessation, which will finally make your life better - at least from what I heard.

[seeking_brilliance]

How would your feel after doing something thrilling, like riding a roller coaster? 

[electroBeam]

26 minutes ago, justfortoday said:

as I’ve fallen into a deep depression / nihilistic mood where I don’t see the point of my ego’s petty life.

well lucky for you, its not actually there. 

[Moksha]

38 minutes ago, justfortoday said:

Each awakening keeps revealing to me the truth that I am all alone. It’s a combo of nihilism and solipsism.

Do you believe others have reached enlightenment? If so, do you believe they were nihilistic and solipsistic?

[Michal__]

If you stop you are going to get stuck in dark night until you resume your meditation practice.

If you continue and grind through this I promise life will get way better than it ever was.

[mandyjw]

Make a list of things you love to do just for fun. Watch a favorite music video, read a web comic, etc. Make it a point to do three things from the list a day. Intensely deep spiritual work is NOT an excuse to neglect basic emotional self care, in fact it's an absolute must do if you want to go deep at all. 

[FortisFortunaAdiuvat]

This is exactly what I felt after one of my trips and it left me with such a strong feeling of terror I couldn't calm down for 2 days and now reading about this again makes me realize that I am still battling with this. I like to believe that it's something you grow into. 

[Someone here]

Surrender. 

Relax. 

Slow down. 

Accept. 

Meditation. 

Write about how you feel. 

You are not alone.. You just think that you are alone.. You can think that you are not alone.. And that will be the reality.. Since truth is not any thought.. It becomes any thought. 

Yeah nothing matters.. But why does it matter that nothing matters? 

Whatever insight you've had. Deconstruct it. You can. And then you will have the most profound insight. That all insights are imaginary. Your imagination. They don't exist in reality. The underlying all categories.  And then you can imagine it however you want. 

Be well 

[Display_Name]

Two things come to mind:

1. if your awakenings are so deep and so frequent, I’m curious “who” is feeling such despair and need to call out for help? who feels “his ego’s” life is petty? “who” regrets? sorry to go neo advaita on you, but you’re obviously not done.

2. why are you asking a forum 90% filled with people with less awakenings than you?

Surrender further and stop constructing.

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by Display_Name

[Mosess]

@justfortoday surrender surrender surrender!

surrender to whatever comes along this transitioning period 

You will experience some heavy thoughts/emotions, try to let them pass through, surrender to them fully.

You are literally dying/awakening, thats the ego's response to all of that. Of course it will interpret it in a negative/nihilistic way in order to try to preserve itself.

[Sempiternity]

9 hours ago, justfortoday said:

'Being at home in Florida.'

There's your problem right there.  

You can't go back, the only way is through. Keep going deeper. As you do, this feeling will dissipate, as you expand your consciousness even further. 

[hamedsf]

gosh, looks like shit hits the fan after that rainbow and sunshine. don't seclude yourself 24/7. that's gonna make you much more depressed. you need to reground yourself on the earth. what do I mean by that? get connected to daily mundane things. it will balance things out for you for sure. 

Edited September 27, 2020 by hamedsf

[Breakingthewall]

It seems like you are one step away from enlightenment, but your ego refuses to go away. who feels lonely, the infinite universe? I would continue meditating and going as deep as possible. Anyway, it doesn't seem like you have any other option. You said you don't see the point to your ego s petty life. This is the point I think. You are suffering because you ego , that you are feeling as "you" is refusing to go. Of course it's not easy but I think that the ego is getting used the idea little by little

Edited September 27, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[Dodo]

@justfortoday Well ofcourse you will feel like that if you're stuck at home. You need to connect to nature. 

I saw a family of 4 birds yesterday. They were playing around, joyfully. The trees majestically teaching stillness. Everything is perfect in nature. These birds were free. The real gurus are out there. 

[Guest SirVladimir]

Alone? Fortunately, you've got a bunch of intelligent-appearing NPCs who are actually a part of you giving you solid advice on an online forum. We love you! A Dark Night is just one step from a bright dawn! ❤️

Edited September 27, 2020 by SirVladimir

[Member]

Quote

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby becomes a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee" – Nietzsche

https://unearnedwisdom.com/fighting-with-monsters-and-staring-into-the-abyss

Maybe you should develop a true sense of Self which is abundant in qualities because truth is that you are everything. The point of your ego’s petty life is to transcend these limitations and become the best version of yourself, so there's plenty of work to do. If you don't do something to improve the ego's petty life, then that's the price you're going to pay for it - suffering, depression, illness and ultimately, death. My advice would be to spend some time in nature, change your diet, go to the gym, think positive thoughts... in other words, spend quality time with yourself! Don't get lost in thoughts and take it easy because you're still a human after all... and need all of these things to function properly.

Take care, bro ? ?

Edited September 27, 2020 by Member

[LfcCharlie4]

Yep, I think anyone who takes this path goes through this at one point or another, whether it’s pre awakening or post. 
 

In your case, it sounds like you need an awakening to love & realise that infinite love is all that exists, then life simply becomes an endless celebration of love, and you see the human experience simply as a way to express love, happiness and joy. 
 

like a never ending vacation  

But, it doesn’t mean you won’t have emotions or human issues, but it will mean you’ll stop resisting them, and you won’t view life from this nihilistic viewpoint. 
 

Matt Kahn is a particularly good teacher for integrating Love, my personal Davies are Francis Lucille, and then Ramaji / Ananda Devi. They have a love meditation on their YT actually.

[okulele]

@justfortoday Take good care, friend. Do some gentle exercises, maybe self-massage. Take a hot bath if you like that, cry if you need to, maybe scream a little. Maybe watch a cartoon. Take good care  

Edited September 27, 2020 by okulele