Falling Quickly Into Nihilism After Multiple Awakenings

[Natasha]

@justfortoday It's a necessary part, the full circle isnt complete yet. Once it's complete you'll be able to move between the Absolute and the Relative with ease 

[Nahm]

18 hours ago, justfortoday said:

My friends, I felt like sharing this which is weighing heavy on my heart.

When something weighs heavy on my heart, I listen to the heart and let it go, because it’s a perspective in conflict with Truth. The last thing I’d do is focus on it, share it, etc. It’s like “this food tastes like poop...I better keep eating it and share it with others so they can taste this poop”. 

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Ive experienced almost daily awakenings where I’ve become absolute infinity and seen reality suspended inside of my awareness.  Ive had the experience of being awareness itself.

No self no problem. How can you be experiencing a problem right now, without perpetuating that story which is ‘itself’ the creating of the problem? Awakening can’t possibly be what you are thinking it is, as you’re the awareness of the thoughts, and more importantly, the focus. Let go of the wanting others to see you as that awakened / enlightened person, and you have no more suffering from telling the story about you, the awakened one with all the awakened experiences.  

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You can go back and read the other threads I’ve posted.

Your threads are great, your comments are great. I always enjoy them, it’s deep and I like it, and am interested. In this regard however, it’s “if y’all really wanna taste this poop you gotta know the story behind it!”, but the back story recreates a ‘you’ the story is about, and you & the story are the recreation of the poop, evidenced by how it feels / tastes (suffering).

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I write this with tears in my eyes, as I’ve fallen into a deep depression / nihilistic mood where I don’t see the point of my ego’s petty life.

If there were a subject and object, you being the subject and depression being the object....then maybe, you could fall into it. If there is not a subject & object, but rather awareness aware of a perspective which is not believed to be a separate object, then there is the opportunity to change the perspective, simply because it doesn’t feel good. 

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Each awakening keeps revealing to me the truth that I am all alone. It’s a combo of nihilism and solipsism.

Nihilism & solipsism are not love, they are perspectives about a you which is alone. It is far, far easier (effortless literally) to inspect and realize what you got wrong in your metaphysical understandings, than to continue suffering through being right. Only the separate self suffers, as that is what suffering is. 

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Being at home almost 24/7 due to the outbreak of COVID in Florida has made this especially tricky to manage.

Notice that’s a story. That situation is not unique to ‘you’ like ‘you’ believe it is. There isn’t a problem in the first place, sans resistance of letting a perspective go. Only in refuting this, there is a problem, which is ‘especially’ tricky to manage. “I realized nothing...struggling to manage it”. Gotta laugh at these perspectives rather than let them get you down / ignore that they don’t resonate. 

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I thought consciousness work would improve my life, but it hasn’t been the case.

Consciousness didn’t need improvement to begin with. It’s (you’re) perfect already...and just entertaining some terrible feeling perspectives. 

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I am not sure if this is what others call “The Dark Night of the Soul” but any advice would be welcome.

“The main problem I’m having is that “I’m” alone...so...I’ll listen to what others think and how they size things up instead of the intrinsic inseparable love that I always am...which is loudly saying - No!”. 

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I am going through an incredibly tough time and no one understands the things I’ve directly become conscious of.

Let go of that there is individual someone’s, and you realize understanding is an appearance. It is you. Only in perpetuating the separate selves, can there be the perspective “no one understands...”. All that need be understood, is that is you creating suffering. The need to be understood. You can feel right now the sweet peace of not needing to be understood, by noticing there is not understanding and a separate you. 

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I cannot unsee what I have seen. 

You can not see what is seen. (There’s now, not a past you think you saw). Look in front of you now. That is what is seen.

What you really mean, is I can’t unknow what I know. The suffering, is what you believe you know. In short...”I know the Truth is that this sucks”. 

Wrong...evidence onced again, by feeling. 

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Sometimes I regret taking this path.

Right. It must be ‘the path’s fault’...because it can’t possibly simply be the current perspective...cause “you’re” “right”. 

Love you! Wish you Well! ♥️

Let Love pop “you’re” bubble, and it will be so. Some perspectives feel as there do, because Love does not taste this poop. Love does not go with you to the poop trough. 

[justfortoday]

Friends, thank you so much for all of your input. This helped me tremendously.

I am happy to report that I am passing through the gate and seeing the light.

[Observore]

@justfortoday

If you've been awareness itself, then why are you identifying with your ego? Your ego isn't you, your life isn't your life, and you are not going through a tough time. Your ego is. 

[justfortoday]

2 minutes ago, Observore said:

@justfortoday

If you've been awareness itself, then why are you identifying with your ego? Your ego isn't you, your life isn't your life, and you are not going through a tough time. Your ego is. 

Yep, that is the same realization that has helped. It’s true.

[Bulgarianspirit]

Going through loneliness,solipsism, psychotic breaks,paranoia ,poverty,heartbreak, i myself get how you feel.

These feelings make you feel all alone against a cruel world.

You need to make your life better somehow to get out of these feelings, i myself am in a downward spiral, having obes and other things as my soul leaves my body and comes back again.

Life is hard sometimes. Hope you feel better soon.

[Trox097]

Hello brother ! I went through that the last 5 months approximately, I’ve been onto spirituality and self realization since I was 15, I am now 22 and last year I did 5 Meo Dmt after that experience I began meditating 1 -2 hours daily after that I went through some beautiful realizations but 5 months ago I went too deep and experience levels of consciousness that completely caused me to die psychologically so hard that I was regretting ever following this path, I thought I fucked up and went crazy because of the level of perception I had, honestly was like being reborn, had to relearn how to live as a human mentally but what I did was first to pray to my own consciousness (GOD) mercy and guidance because I see god as my own consciousness, after that I quit everything related to spirituality, blocked every account on Instagram, left every group, stopped all meditation and psychedelic drug and all drugs al together and stayed like that for months praying to heal and to accept this new level of consciousness so profound and beyond the traditional and also keeping my mind focused on worldly things, it was very hard, I could see the abysm of madness following me but I slowly accepted the process and Mercy was shown and Now I tell you that the key thing here is LOVE, Infinity is LOVE, absolute self-love, remember those days when you were a kid ? Everything was infinite back then but you felt full filled, you were being taken care of. And now it still is you are all covered in that warm blanket of infinite love, do not leave Absolute SELF LOVE out of the god of equation, you are the one that is going to love and accept madness because you are the creator of it all. LOVE IS KEY MY BELOVED FRIEND.

[Gadasaa]

@justfortoday hey man, i feel you. First of all, don't fall into the trap of solipsism, and the belief that all there is your experience. No, reality is infinite in every possible way. It means it's beyond anything that a human mind can comprehend or imagine. The ego that all these so called spiritual people are demonizing is the part of nature and rose out of necessity. It's just your human identity and it has its place in this infinite cosmos. I know how you're feeling right now, it feels so wrong, so bizarre and so nihilistic, doesn't it? It's because you're trying to understand beauty through ugliness and infinite through finite and being through mind, life through death. It can not be done. Thought and conceptualization is something dry and dead but existence, consciousness, god, life is something that is infinitely alive and intelligence. So, you see where it is going wrong. For now, forget about trying to figure it all out, simply live and surrender to every moment. Please stop thinking, stop trying to understand existential truth and see what happens for yourself.