Meeting your needs on your own

[Tearos]

So lately I've been trying to figure out how one could be able to meet their own needs without being dependent on someone else to meet them (needs that conventionally requires other people in order to be met).

For example, how do you meet your need for intimacy without being dependent on someone else to fulfill that particular need? In this case, already fulfilling this need on your own, any intimacy with another would be a bonus to your life. Questioning this, I am also taking into account of maintaining high self-esteem and dodging addictions. Here an example would be: How does one meet their sexual needs without being dependent on sleeping with others, and avoiding an addiction for masturbation (and porn)?

Any insights and practical techniques out there?

Thanks!

[UDT]

@Tearos  

I think the fact you ask this question makes me wonder if you have suffered narcissistic abuse?

It should be a pleasure to find a partner to be intimate with. Life is designed so you cant meet your own needs fully. Thats why we go out in the world and are vulnerable in doing so.

Are you scared being dependent on other people because you feel you cant trust them? But to answer your question, your needs are a construction by your ego, the higher your consciousness grows the less needs you have, or the less strong those needs pull on you. 

So if youre totally healthy and have no attachment trauma, then just develop your consciousness

 

[Tearos]

@UDT

Thanks for the response!

It's more coming from the perspective that one can ideally meet their own needs without being dependent on others to fulfill them. For example, a monk living in celibate must somehow be able to fulfill his needs for intimacy in order to be happy, however, he won't be able to through other people due to his celibacy. He is still happy though.

Additionally, I think the ideal relationship one can have with others shouldn't be based on being dependent on a partner fulfilling one's needs and making them whole. Rather I would think that already being whole, and the gifts of any relationship would become a bonus to one's life. Then there would be a lesser chance of any issues, such as neediness and codependency.

Already having had my share of experiencing deep intimate relationships, though with dependency of others to be happy, I'm looking for ways to fulfill my needs on my own which will lead to richer and more healthy relationships in the future.

Thank you for the advice of expanding my consciousness!  I agree that it will help out in the long run, which is why I meditate, though I do find it hard to fulfill needs in everyday life. 

[UDT]

On 26/09/2020 at 10:36 PM, Tearos said:

For example, a monk living in celibate must somehow be able to fulfill his needs for intimacy in order to be happy, however, he won't be able to through other people due to his celibacy. He is still happy though.

 

Imo he transcends the need.
Your lymbic system pushes all these needs for food/sex etc. to your cortex which tries to solve them. But you as the observer stand beyond this. Thus you can recognize the feelings but just let them come and go. 

The reason your needs bother you in everyday life is because they pull on your conscious too much. Once you are more in observer mind, it becomes easier to not succumb to it. 

 

[Thestarguitarist14]

You should never look for anyone to meet your needs.  Anyone who tells you otherwise has some codependency issues that they have not worked out.  
 

It is funny how people will be like “she’s not meeting my needs.”  Or, “he’s not meeting my needs.”  Who the hell do you think you are?  Meet your own needs.
 

Or “She didn’t screw me right.”  You know, there is a saying for that.  Go fuck your self.  Even the most enlightened person has said that once.

[Arcangelo]

My point exactly. Why I gotta be responsible for making her cum?

[susanyzm]

I was thinking the same thoughts as UDT. It seems you've been through relationships that don't meet your needs or even abuse them that makes you think whether it's possible to meet all of your needs on your own.

I've had similar questions. The thing is, we need relationships and we need time alone. Both are essential human needs.

In a healthy relationship, people meet each other's needs with pleasure, not through persuasion, not through moral standards, not through money, or any strings attached. The hard part is how to identify the compatibility and stop buying milk from a hardware store. It requires deliberate practice.

To quote a personal experience, I love talking about detailed feelings, which not many people are into. The way I meet the needs is, on the one hand, tons of journaling; on the other hand, I share my feelings with a few friends. Those who respond with their own feelings, instead of stopping me from overthinking, are the ones I pick for meeting my needs. 

I hope it helps. Best wishes!

 

[Thestarguitarist14]

59 minutes ago, susanyzm said:

I was thinking the same thoughts as UDT. It seems you've been through relationships that don't meet your needs or even abuse them that makes you think whether it's possible to meet all of your needs on your own.

I've had similar questions. The thing is, we need relationships and we need time alone. Both are essential human needs.

In a healthy relationship, people meet each other's needs with pleasure, not through persuasion, not through moral standards, not through money, or any strings attached. The hard part is how to identify the compatibility and stop buying milk from a hardware store. It requires deliberate practice.

To quote a personal experience, I love talking about detailed feelings, which not many people are into. The way I meet the needs is, on the one hand, tons of journaling; on the other hand, I share my feelings with a few friends. Those who respond with their own feelings, instead of stopping me from overthinking, are the ones I pick for meeting my needs. 

I hope it helps. Best wishes!

 

Why do you feel that we need relationships?

 

I will say that the way that this society is built up, without relationships (not just romantic ones) there is no society.  But as a rule, we do not need romantic relationships.

[Tearos]

@susanyzm

Thank you for your response and for sharing your perspective.

I wouldn't say I've experienced relationships that haven't met my needs, rather the opposite. The relationships I've had have met my needs, needs that I have failed to meet on my own, which has resulted in lovesickness - the state in which I felt something was missing in my life when my partner was not around anymore. When they were gone for good, it left a giant empty space within me, something essential wasn't there anymore. I don't disagree about the benefits of relationships at all, nevertheless, I believe that it is not a healthy relationship if I am dependent on the other for my needs to be fulfilled.
In my opinion, a healthy relationship should consist of two whole people, not two halves making a whole. It isn't a pleasure to need someone else, because you live in constant fear that you will lose them. I believe the secret to a good relationship is loving properly - which is not giving your love to another, rather sharing your love with another. If you give it away, you will lose it. When you share it, it's still within you. 

Thank you for your advice about journaling and sharing thoughts and feeling with closed ones!  I have recently decided to start the habit of journaling every day. So far, it really helps to clear up my thoughts.

[Tearos]

@Thestarguitarist14

Do you have any methods, techniques, or advice on how to meet my needs on my own that one conventionally needs another person to meet? So far, some people here have advised meditation, journaling, and sharing thoughts and feeling with close ones. 

[Leo Gura]

The only way to truly do that is to become a monk, renouncing all the needs which aren't really necessary.

[Forestluv]

On 9/26/2020 at 11:25 AM, Tearos said:

For example, how do you meet your need for intimacy without being dependent on someone else to fulfill that particular need? In this case, already fulfilling this need on your own, any intimacy with another would be a bonus to your life. 

I would make a distinction with the term "need". We could say there are inherent human needs as well as being needy.

For example, eating is an inherent human need. It would be odd to ask "how can you meet your need to eat without being dependent on food to meet that need?". That is very different than saying "How can I reduce my neediness for validation, acceptance and attention - such that I have high self esteem, self acceptance and self love?" 

Or, "How can one meet their need for human companionship while in isolation?".

[Tearos]

@Forestluv

7 minutes ago, Forestluv said:

"How can I reduce my neediness for validation, acceptance and attention - such that I have high self esteem, self acceptance and self love?"

 

7 minutes ago, Forestluv said:

"How can one meet their need for human companionship while in isolation?"

Do you have any answers to these questions?

[Michal__]

Why would you want to do that? 

[Thestarguitarist14]

3 hours ago, Tearos said:

@Thestarguitarist14

Do you have any methods, techniques, or advice on how to meet my needs on my own that one conventionally needs another person to meet? So far, some people here have advised meditation, journaling, and sharing thoughts and feeling with close ones. 

It all boils down to emotions.  Like if you want to be in a relationship, you probably desire love.  Self love, self acceptance and self trust is where you go.  If you feel lonely, you have to make friends with loneliness.  If you need sex then you have to give up your sexual neediness.  You also probably want approval and validation through sex, so give that to yourself as well rather than seeking it from others.

 

Funny, when you do this, you do not care about having relationships anymore and it is easier to get into them anyway.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[Nahm]

@Tearos

You’re inquiry points to the transcending of all of the thought stories of the finite mind. All narratives that you’re a human with needs, essentially. The transcending of the finite mind “itself”, and as such the “returning” Home. This human appearance is not the actual case but certainly viscerally looks & feels as such, which is not a random coincidence, but an invitation to the metadventure of uncovering the truth of reality & self. There is much to sift through, and incredible “layers” of nuance already afoot to be aligned. 

The ‘way’ is ‘way less’, as in, it is not falling for the stories of the mind, even as the body is wrenched in the release of the deepest and most intimate beliefs about self & world. There is no ‘getting somewhere’, as that is always another such story of the finite mind. There is only letting go. Consciousness, Truth, rises, ‘fills’, every nook & cranny of what is let go, and seen through via the illumination which emanates from within. 

This can occur in sudden fashion with methods like psychedelics, retreats, etc, as well as more subtly over time with daily meditation, yoga, ever changing of preferences aligning in well being, in terms of body & mind. However, no catalyst of any kind could be said to be ‘needed’, which is a difficult thing to not-understand, or to let go of the very belief in needing to understand it. The ‘trick’ if you will, is noticing this is always the case. It is most fundamental to the experiencing of ‘reality’. 

More practically speaking, contemplate need vs want, for any and all matters which you experience discord between what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling. Notice the subtlest of differences in feeling, between “I need her, him, this thing, or that thing”...and “I don’t need that, I can let the mind clear and again realize that I am the very happiness”. Thus, there is a renewed freedom in the wanting, known more to be the literal creating of reality in every moment, as you go about experience. 

[josh jones]

"In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king"

I'm beginning to think this is what's going on here(on this site)

[Thestarguitarist14]

8 minutes ago, josh jones said:

"In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king"

I'm beginning to think this is what's going on here(on this site)

Yeah, you are the one eyed emperor with no clothes on.

[josh jones]

@Thestarguitarist14 ok guitar boy

[josh jones]

10 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

Yeah, you are the one eyed emperor with no clothes on.

no, that's just what I call my penis;)