Practised brutal honesty with my first FWB/gf

[StarStruck]

@Thestarguitarist14 I got a vague idea that I had fears of being abandoned because of my past but nobody acknowledged it so you acknowledging was great. Perhaps I should also do 1-3 day full meditation challenge to shut my ego down. My brain is in hyper active mode and I'm not solving anything or getting anything done.

Yesterday I asked a girl (from a local store) out that I'm flirting with for months now, something I wouldn't do because I'm afraid, and she told me she had a bf. That created another emotional breakdown. This is not healthy.

I don't know if I should put it on pause. I'm willing to take massive action/risks but at the same time I'm thinking and acting very toxic. I should bet on self love, self acceptance, self approval and self trust but everyday since friday has been a very unproductive day.

I was trying to deny it to myself but I'm totally obsessed with her if I like it or not. Logically I don't want to but emotions don't listen to that. As @Tsuki said I need to go of the non-fiction image/projection I created of her. Currently in a torrent various emotions and I can't think straight.

Edited September 29, 2020 by StarStruck

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I won't deny I'm fucked up.

You are not fucked up. Don't be mean to yourself.

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I'm sick of seeing other people who are mean getting girls and I'm acting out. I wasn't like this before the date.

Yes, you were. The date hasn't changed you, it was merely an opportunity for a repressed part of you to manifest itself.
Let me tell you this: you don't want to attract girls that are attracted to guys that are abusive towards them. You want your girl to be turned off by that so that you can step up and go beyond this childish behavior. If you stay with this girl, you will both have to work to get past this.

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

To me it feels not acting out means being stuck where I 'm. Acting out means doing stupid shit but eventually learning from it and transcend. It is not healthy to deny the shadow sides.

These are all ego stories that enable your behavior. She is not responsible for your feelings. You are the one that is doing your feelings. Do you get that? You are creating these feelings to manipulate yourself into acting in some manner that you think you should be acting. Sit down, do belly breaths and observe it. That is what not denying shadow sides actually means. It means to watch them, observe the ego stories and let them go. It means to accept that there is a part of you what wants to act in this way and becoming genuinely interested about this part of you. I know it's fucking difficult but this is the only way if you ever want to have a meaningful relationship. Even if you find a different girl, she will, at some point, trigger similar emotions and you will have to do this work.

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I know the answer isn't fucking her or making her my gf. I have to seek the answers inside but I'm not smart enough or conscious enough to do that right now. I have to be honest to myself.

Fucking her, or making her your gf is not the issue here. The issue is that you are being reactive to your emotions.
This is the part of what I meant by saying that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Pussy is a real trigger for men to act like boys and women are not looking for boys unless they are girls.

Edited September 29, 2020 by tsuki

[Thestarguitarist14]

32 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

@Thestarguitarist14 I got a vague idea that I had fears of being abandoned because of my past but nobody acknowledged it so you acknowledging was great. Perhaps I should also do 1-3 day full meditation challenge to shut my ego down. My brain is in hyper active mode and I'm not solving anything or getting anything done.

Yesterday I asked a girl (from a local store) out that I'm flirting with for months now, something I wouldn't do because I'm afraid, and she told me she had a bf. That created another emotional breakdown. This is not healthy.

I don't know if I should put it on pause. I'm willing to take massive action/risks but at the same time I'm thinking and acting very toxic. I should bet on self love, self acceptance, self approval and self trust but everyday since friday has been a very unproductive day.

I was trying to deny it to myself but I'm totally obsessed with her if I like it or not. Logically I don't want to but emotions don't listen to that. As @Tsuki said I need to go of the non-fiction image/projection I created of her. Currently in a torrent various emotions and I can't think straight.

Yeah, it is because your neediness is emanating from you and she smelt it from a mile a way.  This is the cycle that a lot guys get into.  Then they call themselves incels.

 

You must take your power back.  Outside of healing, focus on your purpose.  Take a break from women for the rest of the year.  They will be there in 2021.  
 

It will be hard to let go of hard.  I have an unorthodox method that worked for me.  For ten minutes a day for how many times needed, lay down and visualize her.  Five of those minutes, have sex with her.  Why?  It is your inner child that is crying right now.  He wants to have sex with her.  And he doesn’t care if it is in your head, heart, stomach or dick.  He wants what he wants.  This can take a few weeks to a a few months.  But you will notice slowly how you will stop caring about her.

 

Focus on yourself.  Do not focus on any woman right now.  You need to see your own value.  Utilize what I sent you.  They will change your life. 
 

You must realize that you are looking for women to love, accept, approve of and trust you.  It is not your fault.  We have all been sold a lie.  The love that you desire for a women to have for you would simply be your love being reflected by her.  Her acceptance and approval of you should not matter and you will find women who do accept, approve of and trust you once you clean up a few things.

 

It is an inside job.  I promise you, everyone will be in a deep commuted relationship.  But you got to have some self respect first.

Edited September 29, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[StarStruck]

5 hours ago, tsuki said:

You are not fucked up. Don't be mean to yourself.

Yes, you were. The date hasn't changed you, it was merely an opportunity for a repressed part of you to manifest itself.
Let me tell you this: you don't want to attract girls that are attracted to guys that are abusive towards them. You want your girl to be turned off by that so that you can step up and go beyond this childish behavior. If you stay with this girl, you will both have to work to get past this.

These are all ego stories that enable your behavior. She is not responsible for your feelings. You are the one that is doing your feelings. Do you get that? You are creating these feelings to manipulate yourself into acting in some manner that you think you should be acting. Sit down, do belly breaths and observe it. That is what not denying shadow sides actually means. It means to watch them, observe the ego stories and let them go. It means to accept that there is a part of you what wants to act in this way and becoming genuinely interested about this part of you. I know it's fucking difficult but this is the only way if you ever want to have a meaningful relationship. Even if you find a different girl, she will, at some point, trigger similar emotions and you will have to do this work.

Fucking her, or making her your gf is not the issue here. The issue is that you are being reactive to your emotions.
This is the part of what I meant by saying that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Pussy is a real trigger for men to act like boys and women are not looking for boys unless they are girls.

This shadow part has taken control of me. I get emotional very fast since last friday. Some woman did some kindness to me and I teared up. I think you are right about me misunderstanding shadow work: I have to become present of it and then not be reactive towards it. I'm half way through a book about shadow work.

By the way, I don't know how much my porn addiction is responsible for my current emotional state. I have been fighting my porn addiction for the last 4 months. I caved in many times and that had a big impact on me. Only in the last 1,5 months I'm kind of successful of holding my porn addiction off because I didn't want to have erectile dysfunction when I saw her.

Perhaps it is smart I will go into therapy too. I have self limiting beliefs like:

• I have a low IQ that is why I'm stuck with these problems and can't solve them
• I will never solve these problems
• I'm too much broken. Time is going fast. Before I fix my problems I will already be too old.

Quote

Yes, you were. The date hasn't changed you, it was merely an opportunity for a repressed part of you to manifest itself.

Wow, that is a big insight for me.

In my vocabulary "accepting" means clinging onto something. So when my shadow parts appeared I accepted them completely. In my book letting go of shadow parts means rejecting myself because why would I let a part of myself go if I accept it?
I still don't understand that part.
For example if I stop seeking for a gf, it feels like I'm rejecting my basic human need.

Edited September 29, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

4 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

Yeah, it is because your neediness is emanating from you and she smelt it from a mile a way.  This is the cycle that a lot guys get into.  Then they call themselves incels.

 

I appreciate the advice in this topic a lot. I studied Sadh ghuru for a month or so and I'm familiar with seeking within what you seek outside. It is going to sound pathetic but nowadays I'm just walking around looking for a woman who can give me the love that my mother didn't give me. I can imagine that women don't find that attractive. Only a weird woman would accept me on those conditions.

Quote

You must take your power back.  Outside of healing, focus on your purpose.  Take a break from women for the rest of the year.  They will be there in 2021.  
 

I think I need a plan. In this topic a lot of resources were given. I think I will make a program for myself for the coming months and get to work. Not trying to seek for momma's love in the outside world is going to be hard though. I'm not sure if I can quite that voice.

Quote

It will be hard to let go of hard.  I have an unorthodox method that worked for me.  For ten minutes a day for how many times needed, lay down and visualize her.  Five of those minutes, have sex with her.  Why?  It is your inner child that is crying right now.  He wants to have sex with her.  And he doesn’t care if it is in your head, heart, stomach or dick.  He wants what he wants.  This can take a few weeks to a a few months.  But you will notice slowly how you will stop caring about her.

In the nofap community they give the same exercise to rewire the brain to normal sex instead sex to a screen. I'm not sure if this exercise is going to be good for my mental health if I use the girl that the OP is about for this exercise.

Quote

Focus on yourself.  Do not focus on any woman right now.  You need to see your own value.  Utilize what I sent you.  They will change your life. 
 

You must realize that you are looking for women to love, accept, approve of and trust you.  It is not your fault.  We have all been sold a lie.  The love that you desire for a women to have for you would simply be your love being reflected by her.  Her acceptance and approval of you should not matter and you will find women who do accept, approve of and trust you once you clean up a few things.

 

It is an inside job.  I promise you, everyone will be in a deep commuted relationship.  But you got to have some self respect first.

I have been trying my own stuff until now and it didn't work. I'm just wasting my time. Currently I don't have a full time job. I'm working as a freelancer so I have a lot of free time. I think the coming 3+ months will be do or die, because after that I will have to find a full time job and it will be difficult to do self-help. I can't play it safe any more.

Edited September 29, 2020 by StarStruck

[tsuki]

42 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

In my vocabulary "accepting" means clinging onto something. So when my shadow parts appeared I accepted them completely.

This is not acceptance.
To accept a shadow aspect of you, it means that you genuinely become interested in it. There is a part of you that wants you to act like an asshole towards a girl that withholds pussy from you. This part of you wants control, it wants the steering wheel and it knows that you give in to emotions, so it rocks the boat. Now, to accept it, you ask yourself what needs does this part of you actually have and recognize that they are really fucking important. Then, you promise to yourself that you will strive to fulfill these needs, but you will not let this part of you control the whole of you. This part of you is not evil, it has no ill intent. It just wants its needs met, like a little baby that is crying. And this part is you, and your needs are really fucking important. You get that?

Then you can ask yourself a lot of questions and try to honestly answer them. With a pen and a piece of paper. It is okay if you don't know the answers yet, but recognize that they are important. Spend some time with that part. You can give it a name if it makes you feel good. This is the key here: this inquiry is supposed to feel good. You want to take care of that part of you, like it were your baby. Be gentle with it. You are not doing a vivisection, you ought to recognize that this part of you is precious, that it communicates something that is very important to you. So important that it is willing to throw a fit because you are not listening to it properly. It may not want to talk to you at first, but if you spend some time with it each time it appears, then it will open up to you eventually.

42 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

So when my shadow parts appeared I accepted them completely.

When it appeared, you gave up control and let a small part of you take the steering wheel. You are smarter than that small part and you will be able to fulfill its needs better than it otherwise would autonomously. Being an asshole will not get you the kind of pussy you need.

42 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

For me letting go, doesn't mean accepting. Letting go of something means the opposite on accepting; rejecting.

Letting go does not mean that this small part is unimportant and that you will be immune to its influence. To sweep its needs under the rug is to reject it and we are not doing that. Letting go is seeing the emotions for what they are and waiting through the storm to act intelligently and with integrity. Integrity means the whole of you, as one being, with clarity. After you let go of emotions, you still remember the promise you made with yourself, right? 

42 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Some woman did some kindness to me and I teared up.

That is a good sign. Tears are good. This is a good place to start the inquiry. Remember: be gentle.

42 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

By the way, I don't know how much my porn addiction is responsible for my current emotional state. I have been fighting my porn addiction for the last 4 months. I caved in many times and that had a big impact on me. Only in the last 1,5 months I'm kind of successful of holding my porn addiction off because I didn't want to have erectile dysfunction when I saw her.

Trust me, porn is not the issue here. It is an issue to some degree, but you haven't faced these issues yet.
Stop guilting yourself for watching porn. Sex is really fucking important and you are trying to fulfill these needs in whatever ways you can.
This part that keeps talking things that make you feel guilty needs a name. I named mine "trainer" because it tries to train you as if you were a circus animal. You are not an animal and you should silence that part whenever you can.

42 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Perhaps it is smart I will go into therapy too. I have self limiting beliefs like:

• I have a low IQ that is why I'm stuck with these problems and can't solve them
• I will never solve these problems
• I'm too much broken. Time is going fast. Before I fix my problems I will already be too old.

Therapy will help you. I highly encourage it. These thoughts are how the trainer keeps you on the leash. Don't pay any attention to them.

Edited September 29, 2020 by tsuki

[Thestarguitarist14]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I appreciate the advice in this topic a lot. I studied Sadh ghuru for a month or so and I'm familiar with seeking within what you seek outside. It is going to sound pathetic but nowadays I'm just walking around looking for a woman who can give me the love that my mother didn't give me. I can imagine that women don't find that attractive. Only a weird woman would accept me on those conditions.

I think I need a plan. In this topic a lot of resources were given. I think I will make a program for myself for the coming months and get to work. Not trying to seek for momma's love in the outside world is going to be hard though. I'm not sure if I can quite that voice.

In the nofap community they give the same exercise to rewire the brain to normal sex instead sex to a screen. I'm not sure if this exercise is going to be good for my mental health if I use the girl that the OP is about for this exercise.

I have been trying my own stuff until now and it didn't work. I'm just wasting my time. Currently I don't have a full time job. I'm working as a freelancer so I have a lot of free time. I think the coming 3+ months will be do or die, because after that I will have to find a full time job and it will be difficult to do self-help. I can't play it safe any more.

You don’t want a woman who wants to mother you.  I was dating one like that recently.  She will annoy the shit out of you and you will push her away.

 

It will be fine to use that girl.  There is an easy way out of this, or a hard way.  Why make it hard?  That meditation is meant to do it in a way that is easy on your psyche and emotions.   Really, it sells your solar plexus chakra whose boss.

 

What field do you desire to be in?

[Arcangelo]

nympho like nymphomaniac

 

[Zega]

I think pickup would be a great thing for someone like you that is new to a lot of this. Just don't make it your life, use it as a tool to help you with dating, otherwise you're going to end up in a relationship like this girl you dated and she's going to leave you for someone more experienced. I speak from experience.
Once you start getting good you'll be able to pick and choose the girl you want, but you have to get good first. That should be your top priority: gettin' gud. Top priority in this context, there's better things to focus your attention on.

If you aren't already look up some Real Social Dynamics videos on the core basics of flirting, attraction, value, all that good stuff. Best way to get over a fuck up with a girl like this? Try again with a different girl. You're going to fail...many many times. Forgive yourself and compare only to the person you were yesterday.

I wouldn't even worry about long term relationships for now because you really have no frame of reference.

You had a great learning experience from this. Move on and try again with someone else. Let go of any self limiting beliefs: Incel, introvert, shy, needy, weak, unattractive- throw that shit out and go be what you want; have vision. Don't be an autistic guy trying to figure everything out logically, learn to flow and be flexible with what comes your way. In time this will be fun, hopefully sooner than later.

Save the serious shit for a serious relationship. You wanna be deep with her? Talk about aliens, alternate dimensions, psychedelics, fun things you can use to show your views on life without bringing down the good vibes.

Good luck dude, hope you get laid soon

you deserve it <3

[StarStruck]

2 hours ago, Zega said:

 

You had a great learning experience from this. Move on and try again with someone else. Let go of any self limiting beliefs: Incel, introvert, shy, needy, weak, unattractive- throw that shit out and go be what you want; have vision. Don't be an autistic guy trying to figure everything out logically, learn to flow and be flexible with what comes your way. In time this will be fun, hopefully sooner than later.

 

She literally said during out date night: don't try to figure out everything, just go and get it.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I'm analyzing everything and I think I can cure myself that way. Obviously that doesn't work. The truth is I just don't know any better. I'm stuck in that paradigm. I noticed that people who don't do self analysis and just go with the flow get much more things done. I doubt "bad boys" do self analysis. They just go out there and get theirs. 

 

15 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

You don’t want a woman who wants to mother you.  I was dating one like that recently.  She will annoy the shit out of you and you will push her away.

 

It will be fine to use that girl.  There is an easy way out of this, or a hard way.  Why make it hard?  That meditation is meant to do it in a way that is easy on your psyche and emotions.   Really, it sells your solar plexus chakra whose boss.

 

What field do you desire to be in?

What do you mean with the last question?

By the way I'm currently doing trauma release meditations by RSD transformations

Edited September 30, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

18 hours ago, tsuki said:

This is not acceptance.
To accept a shadow aspect of you, it means that you genuinely become interested in it. There is a part of you that wants you to act like an asshole towards a girl that withholds pussy from you. This part of you wants control, it wants the steering wheel and it knows that you give in to emotions, so it rocks the boat. Now, to accept it, you ask yourself what needs does this part of you actually have and recognize that they are really fucking important. Then, you promise to yourself that you will strive to fulfill these needs, but you will not let this part of you control the whole of you. This part of you is not evil, it has no ill intent. It just wants its needs met, like a little baby that is crying. And this part is you, and your needs are really fucking important. You get that?

I get it now how important it is to acknowledge my needs. I neglected my emotional needs for too long. I think it is related to power versus force, no? Up to now I try to force it, obviously it didn't work out for me. By the way, I did a trauma release course a while back called RSD transformations and they were talking about leaning into the feelings, letting the emotions run its course in the body and eventually they will disappear. It is kind of related to what you said here.

Only issue I have right now is that I have to force myself to do the work to change myself. I rather just sit down and wallow in my misery. I think this is another shadow part of me.

Quote

Then you can ask yourself a lot of questions and try to honestly answer them. With a pen and a piece of paper. It is okay if you don't know the answers yet, but recognize that they are important. Spend some time with that part. You can give it a name if it makes you feel good. This is the key here: this inquiry is supposed to feel good. You want to take care of that part of you, like it were your baby. Be gentle with it. You are not doing a vivisection, you ought to recognize that this part of you is precious, that it communicates something that is very important to you. So important that it is willing to throw a fit because you are not listening to it properly. It may not want to talk to you at first, but if you spend some time with it each time it appears, then it will open up to you eventually.

This emotionally starved shadow part has been on the forefront since last friday.  What I did is I made some video recording of myself letting this shadow part throw a rant. I didn't ask questions though. It is kind of weird to ask myself questions but I will do it on paper.

A while back I read the book "internal family systems therapy". It connects to what you said about inquiry the different shadow parts. The problem for me is that I read all these books, apply the theory couple of times, it doesn't work immediately and I just stop with it.

Quote

you ought to recognize that this part of you is precious, that it communicates something that is very important to you

My parents never gave me that feeling when I communicated with them. It kind of makes sense why I'm harsh to myself and communicate like that to myself after years of emotional and physical abuse.

Quote

When it appeared, you gave up control and let a small part of you take the steering wheel. You are smarter than that small part and you will be able to fulfill its needs better than it otherwise would autonomously. Being an asshole will not get you the kind of pussy you need.

That is a good sign. Tears are good. This is a good place to start the inquiry. Remember: be gentle.

Trust me, porn is not the issue here. It is an issue to some degree, but you haven't faced these issues yet.
Stop guilting yourself for watching porn. Sex is really fucking important and you are trying to fulfill these needs in whatever ways you can.
This part that keeps talking things that make you feel guilty needs a name. I named mine "trainer" because it tries to train you as if you were a circus animal. You are not an animal and you should silence that part whenever you can.

Therapy will help you. I highly encourage it. These thoughts are how the trainer keeps you on the leash. Don't pay any attention to them.

Agreed. To make a change I really need to make a leap of faith which boils down to self-confidence and discipline. If I don't make the hours to work on myself I will be stuck another 10 years. I can't really afford that.

Porn and masturbation isn't bad for normal people but I was heavily addicted. My erectile dysfunction is still somewhat present. It is the main reason why I felt insecure during that date. I really need to obtain from porn but I still can have sex in my book.

During the night she told me "I can't stand all night" several times, I think signalling she wanted sex so I should make a move, she rejected me when I did which I don't understand. I think she just felt I was not sure of myself and I wasn't because of my erectile dysfunction. If anything, this date has given me the motivation to defeat my porn addiction for good.

Edited September 30, 2020 by StarStruck

[tsuki]

47 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Up to now I try to force it, obviously it didn't work out for me. [...]

Only issue I have right now is that I have to force myself to do the work to change myself. I rather just sit down and wallow in my misery. I think this is another shadow part of me.

Don't force yourself to do anything. Don't you want to get past that? Don't you want to be happy and fulfilled?
Don't imagine that you will have to do some difficult task, with a lot of complicated steps, or a boring mundane chore. You need this shit. This is the whole point! You thought that you can neglect this part of you and that it is fine, but it is telling you that it is not! Take this seriously! Being serious is not about having a stern face and grinding it against concrete (I kid you not!). It is about feeling that something is really fucking important. Like, imagine yourself when you want to fap and that there is this urge to have an orgasm. THEN you are being serious about having an orgasm. I want you to be as serious about having your emotional needs met.

Meeting your emotional needs is not about following an instruction manual from a book. It is about asking yourself friendly, curious, questions and honestly answering them. Start small, drink a glass of water, do something good for yourself. Go buy a plant and smile to it. The more you become interested in yourself, the more you will grow and need less instructions.

47 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

My parents never gave me that feeling when I communicated that. It kind of makes sense why I don't communicate like that to myself after years of emotional and physical abuse.

Your parents were never serious about you and I know how it fucking hurts man. It hurts like having a hole ripped in your chest, like having an ax struck in the sternum. It feels like wildfire with smoke, like an implosion. It feels like being absolutely unlovable and worthless. Feeling this is awful and it is no wonder that we want to use all sorts of tactics to avoid it. Masturbation, lashing out, denial, self-manipulation and first and foremost: being disconnected from our hearts.

Believe me, despite how difficult it is: you want to feel this and understand it. If you keep avoiding your heart, it will fetter.
Being disconnected from your feelings, not feeling and not understanding them is the gateway through which shadow aspects of you take control. They are always announced by difficult feelings.

47 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Porn and masturbation isn't bad for normal people but I was heavily addicted. My erectile dysfunction is still somewhat present. It is the main reason why I felt insecure during that date. I really need to obtain from porn but I still can have sex in my book.

Not stroking your dick is not a cure for porn addiction. You are addicted to porn because you have unfulfilled needs that you do not acknowledge and are trying to distract yourself away from feeling them. Don't think that you are some inferior omega male for doing this. Understand how difficult for you it is already. Feel it. This is the best you can do for now, but this will get better over time as you become connected to your heart. It will tell you what it needs.

Edited September 30, 2020 by tsuki

[Thestarguitarist14]

14 hours ago, StarStruck said:

What do you mean with the last question?

By the way I'm currently doing trauma release meditations by RSD transformations

What field do you work in?  Or better yet, what is it that you desire to do with your life?  Do you know your purpose?

 

And that is good.  Never tried their meditations.  Though, the ones that I gave you are going to take you way more deeper.  Shamanic tapping is going to probably be the most effective way for you to achieve inner reconciliation.  That stuff is amazing.

Edited September 30, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[StarStruck]

17 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

What field do you work in?  Or better yet, what is it that you desire to do with your life?  Do you know your purpose?

I work in IT. In terms of my life purpose I haven't fleshed out what specifically I want but it will be in IT.

Quote

And that is good.  Never tried their meditations.  Though, the ones that I gave you are going to take you way more deeper.  Shamanic tapping is going to probably be the most effective way for you to achieve inner reconciliation.  That stuff is amazing.

Ok, I made notes of all the advice. It is too much to absorb at once. By the way, I can't find anything on Shamanic tapping, do you mean shamanic breathing?

[StarStruck]

On 30-9-2020 at 10:01 AM, tsuki said:

Don't force yourself to do anything. Don't you want to get past that? Don't you want to be happy and fulfilled?
Don't imagine that you will have to do some difficult task, with a lot of complicated steps, or a boring mundane chore. You need this shit. This is the whole point! You thought that you can neglect this part of you and that it is fine, but it is telling you that it is not! Take this seriously! Being serious is not about having a stern face and grinding it against concrete (I kid you not!). It is about feeling that something is really fucking important. Like, imagine yourself when you want to fap and that there is this urge to have an orgasm. THEN you are being serious about having an orgasm. I want you to be as serious about having your emotional needs met.

Thank you for clearing up the difference between wanting and needing. Currently I really have a want for emotional satisfaction, being understood and being loved. I'm so confused right now because I'm getting conflicting advice. The starguitarist says I shouldn't be focusing on these things I mentioned right now. He says for the coming 3 months I should focus on myself and not try to get girls. Perhaps I'm just understanding it wrong and it is not conflicting advice. I thought I needed other people to get my emotional needs met but I can do it myself too through journaling, recording myself or something. It doesn't feel so fulfilling though.

I think I should just focus on getting the work done and implement the advice I got in this thread. I'm not sure what my motivation should be? I thought about my motivation for changing myself. I'm just having immense suffering right now. I text this girl yesterday and she puts me on read sometimes and I feel so awful. If I played my cards right I would have gotten her but things went as it went and it is hard to accept.  Currently working hard to not be attached to her and getting her attention. I feel like a mindless zombie. You guys gave me good advice and I'm still simping for this girl. I really don't have expectations from her but I just want to be one of those guys that she is enthusiastic about, doesn't take for granted and just gives me attention. If I'm honest that is what I REALLY want right now and denying that makes makes my heart go cold.

Quote

Meeting your emotional needs is not about following an instruction manual from a book. It is about asking yourself friendly, curious, questions and honestly answering them. Start small, drink a glass of water, do something good for yourself. Go buy a plant and smile to it. The more you become interested in yourself, the more you will grow and need less instructions.
 

For the last couple of days I have been doing that and I came across these shadow parts:

• The rejected child: this got triggered during the date and it is still active. The unmet emotional needs are just right in my face and I can't think straight. It is hard to get stuff done because this part of myself is begging for attention.
• Exhausted self: I tried to change myself for 10+ years and it didn't work out. There is a deep grief and pain for the lost opportunities.
• Circus trainer: I think I inherited this from my parents. I give myself harsh, non-emotional instructions.
• Self bullying: I can talk to myself with a very harsh tone because nothing else works (that is the logic of this shadow part). Not that bullying works.
• Humiliated self: for not having a gf, not being independent, having no control over whether to simp over a loose girl
• failed self: there is a long list of failures
• Nerdy know-it-all self: this part exists because I thought I needed to be smart to get gf's and friends

I will continue to foster interactions between these parts.

 

Quote

Your parents were never serious about you and I know how it fucking hurts man. It hurts like having a hole ripped in your chest, like having an ax struck in the sternum. It feels like wildfire with smoke, like an implosion. It feels like being absolutely unlovable and worthless. Feeling this is awful and it is no wonder that we want to use all sorts of tactics to avoid it. Masturbation, lashing out, denial, self-manipulation and first and foremost: being disconnected from our hearts.

Believe me, despite how difficult it is: you want to feel this and understand it. If you keep avoiding your heart, it will fetter.
Being disconnected from your feelings, not feeling and not understanding them is the gateway through which shadow aspects of you take control. They are always announced by difficult feelings.

Since I have been feeling my feelings, understanding/accepting their needs, and letting go of the emotions, I made some progress. I bonded with my current friend because I just shared what was in my heart. And I made two new friends with whom I vibe very well. These are the points that helped me: I opened up my heart, I let go off my fears, choosing my own emotions instead being reactive, I didn't expect anything, and it is just really a matter of moving your physical body to the other person and vibing with that person. I'm really seeing it is just all in my head. I was making it more difficult than it was.

I'm seeing right now how important my emotional needs are. They are really really really important. All of my past failures happened because I rejected them and currently I'm heading towards failure if I don't address them. All of my energy is consumed by my unmet needs and I can't focus on my work.

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by StarStruck

[tsuki]

44 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Thank you for clearing up the difference between wanting and needing. Currently I really have a want for emotional satisfaction, being understood and being loved. I'm so confused right now because I'm getting conflicting advice. The starguitarist says I shouldn't be focusing on these things I mentioned right now. He says for the coming 3 months I should focus on myself and not try to get girls.

I'm not reading other fibers of this thread, but I don't think that this advice is conflicting to a large extent .

When you were a child, your mental capacity was not enough so that you could understand yourself. You were just developing and you needed your parents to regulate your emotions, to tell you that you are okay when you were frustrated, to help you get up on your feet when you fell, to encourage you to take on a challenge when you were overwhelmed. This "rejected child" that seeks attention from others is a set of coping behaviors that you developed when your parents didn't take good care of you. This aspect of you is actually no longer needed because now, as a grown man, you can be good to yourself. This is why the advice is not conflicting at all - by all means do spend some time in solitude, but for the sake of being nice to yourself! Get back up on your feet, find the things that make you feel good about being you. Learn what makes you tick, what you need to hear to feel happy.

44 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Currently working hard to not be attached to her and getting her attention. I feel like a mindless zombie. You guys gave me good advice and I'm still simping for this girl. I really don't have expectations from her but I just want to be one of those guys that she is enthusiastic about, doesn't take for granted and just gives me attention. If I'm honest that is what I REALLY want right now and denying that makes makes my heart go cold.

This is the rejected child that wants love from another person. Feelings cannot be silenced, put aside, because they communicate genuine needs that you have. Fulfill those needs by being good to yourself. Judging yourself for not having sex with women is the circus trainer at work, that tries to evict the rejected child. The child will not be evicted because it is your heart. You don't want to evict your heart, trust me.

Starting an intimate relationship with unmet needs is a recipe for disaster. It is not just two times more difficult than being alone because there are two children with unmet needs. These two children also start fighting for power over the other person, release their circus trainers upon each other and things get unbelievably nasty real quick. The way you relate to this girl (and to yourself) is already very nasty, but I don't blame you. I know how it's like to be this way and why it happens.

That being said, sex is still a need so it will have to be addressed. Porn addiction is difficult because it's hard to draw a line between something you truly need and are addicted to, but it can be managed.

44 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

• Exhausted self: I tried to change myself for 10+ years and it didn't work out. There is a deep grief and pain for the lost opportunities.
• Circus trainer: I think I inherited this from my parents. I give myself harsh, non-emotional instructions.
• Self bullying: I can talk to myself with a very harsh tone because nothing else works (that is the logic of this shadow part). Not that bullying works.
• Humiliated self: for not having a gf, not being independent, having no control over whether to simp over a loose girl
• failed self: there is a long list of failures
• Nerdy know-it-all self: this part exists because I thought I needed to be smart to get gf's and friends

All of the aspects other than "the rejected child" are the by-product of Circus trainer's working. Circus trainer is there because you believed that there is something inherently wrong with you. Circus trainer belongs in a cage, not you. You are not an animal. Connect to your feelings and actively silence the trainer. It will take some time to attain clarity, but it can be done. I've done it.

It is tempting to use the circus trainer's power to train him. Don't give into that temptation. He is still a part of you so be gentle, but firm.

44 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I'm not sure what my motivation should be? I thought about my motivation for changing myself. I'm just having immense suffering right now.

Working on yourself for the sake of change, being something else because this thing right here is unbearable, is not the right approach. Change must be merely a mean to meet the goal, which is happiness. Realize the you are not happy right now. You are not happy because you are confused. There is nothing inherently wrong with you, nobody simply taught you how to take good care of yourself. This needs to change, not you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve the best life you can possibly imagine, so start acting like it!

Your parents were not serious enough about you to teach you any of this. Realize how difficult it is to have no roots. How difficult it was to be left alone with no instructions, with no help. This will be painful, but it will also, at some point, help you feel how amazing you are to have gone through all of this on your own. Go back to this rejected child and make it feel accepted.

44 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Since I have been feeling my feelings, understanding/accepting their needs, and letting go of the emotions, I made some progress. I bonded with my current friend because I just shared what was in my heart. And I made two new friends with whom I vibe very well. These are the points that helped me: I opened up my heart, I let go off my fears, choosing my own emotions instead being reactive, I didn't expect anything, and it is just really a matter of moving your physical body to the other person and vibing with that person. I'm really seeing it is just all in my head. I was making it more difficult than it was.

I'm very glad to hear that! This is genuine progress!

44 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I'm seeing right now how important my emotional needs are. They are really really really important. All of my past failures happened because I rejected them and currently I'm heading towards failure if I don't address them. All of my energy is consumed by my unmet needs and I can't focus on my work.

Your energy is not consumed by unmet needs - you were given your energy to fulfill them! 
Your energy is dissipated by the circus trainer hurting yourself.

Edited October 1, 2020 by tsuki

[StarStruck]

33 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I'm not reading other fibers of this thread, but I don't think that this advice is conflicting to a large extent .

When you were a child, your mental capacity was not enough so that you could understand yourself. You were just developing and you needed your parents to regulate your emotions, to tell you that you are okay when you were frustrated, to help you get up on your feet when you fell, to encourage you to take on a challenge when you were overwhelmed. This "rejected child" that seeks attention from others is a set of coping behaviors that you developed when your parents didn't take good care of you. This aspect of you is actually no longer needed because now, as a grown man, you can be good to yourself. This is why the advice is not conflicting at all - by all means do spend some time in solitude, but for the sake of being nice to yourself! Get back up on your feet, find the things that make you feel good about being you. Learn what makes you tick, what you need to hear to feel happy.

This is the rejected child that wants love from another person. Feelings cannot be silenced, put aside, because they communicate genuine needs that you have. Fulfill those needs by being good to yourself. Judging yourself for not having sex with women is the circus trainer at work, that tries to evict the rejected child. The child will not be evicted because it is your heart. You don't want to evict your heart, trust me.

It is my paradigm. I'm noticing I'm just lacking a lot of knowledge to understand myself. How did you gain this knowledge? Was there any literature you used or was it all contemplation and inquiry?

From this thread I think it becomes obvious that I don't have a good relationship with myself. A lot of people literally told me not to be so harsh on myself. I think you are hitting the nail on the head. This circus-trainer-self might have all the good intentions but it just not working.

At this point I'm so confused, there are so many moving parts. I'm thinking that I just have a low IQ. If that is the case I should take that into consideration. I'm a slow learner and big part of that is that I can't / won't keep focus on something, because of my pain body. It is kind of a cycle to keep homeostasis so I stay where I'm at.  I see other people who are much less intelligent get things done so I'm doubting right now. It might not be my lack of intelligence why I fail at life.

Quote

 

That being said, sex is still a need so it will have to be addressed. Porn addiction is difficult because it's hard to draw a line between something you truly need and are addicted to, but it can be managed.

My porn addiction is so bad that I have semi erectile dysfunction because of it. I think this is the reason why I messed up and why I have low confidence with women. I might reconsider porn when I'm healed until then I might use fapping if the urges become really heavy.

Quote

All of the aspects other than "the rejected child" are the by-product of Circus trainer's working. Circus trainer is there because you believed that there is something inherently wrong with you. Circus trainer belongs in a cage, not you. You are not an animal. Connect to your feelings and actively silence the trainer. It will take some time to attain clarity, but it can be done. I've done it.

It is tempting to use the circus trainer's power to train him. Don't give into that temptation. He is still a part of you so be gentle, but firm.

Ok, with silencing the trainer you obviously mean: acknowledge its needs/purpose and let go of the emotions, right? It is so disorientating to let go of the circus trainer because I just don't better.

Yesterday, I tried to let go of control during conversations with people I just met, and my conversations were so much better. I was a totally new person and I was dominating the room with my energy. Suddenly a cute girl entered our conversation, making eye contact and I boom: the rejected child's emotions struck me. Leo's recent video about introspection was very helpful. It wasn't easy to let go but I managed to release/let go a little bit. I think it is a process of reconditioning myself I think. My focus will be on myself for the coming three months but I will try to expose myself to situations: it is a great way to trigger shadow parts.

Quote

Working on yourself for the sake of change, being something else because this thing right here is unbearable, is not the right approach. Change must be merely a mean to meet the goal, which is happiness. Realize the you are not happy right now. You are not happy because you are confused. There is nothing inherently wrong with you, nobody simply taught you how to take good care of yourself. This needs to change, not you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve the best life you can possibly imagine, so start acting like it!

That is what I thought: I should do it out of self-love/happiness. Recently I watched some guru's video and he said you should change to become independent. Independence is also an interesting motivation.

Quote

 

Your energy is not consumed by unmet needs - you were given your energy to fulfill them! 
Your energy is dissipated by the circus trainer hurting yourself.

I get the second line but I'm not sure if I understand the first line. What do you mean with "you were given your energy to fulfill them!"?

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

It is my paradigm. I'm noticing I'm just lacking a lot of knowledge to understand myself. How did you gain this knowledge? Was there any literature you used or was it all contemplation and inquiry?

To "know yourself" does not mean that you have a vast body of knowledge, a list, or a taxonomy. An athlete does not know how to run because he has studied books about running, but because he runs well. You want to know how to run yourself and the only way to learn that is by doing it. There is no instruction manual for you because you are totally unique, but thankfully - you have been equipped with a compass called "feelings". The things that feel good, are true to you and tell you important things about you. Keep feeling good and you will find yourself.

In my particular case, it was a combination of contemplation, learning through youtube, books and this forum. I'm in my 5th year of psychotherapy and psychedelics helped as well. I can't stress enough how psychotherapy has helped me. Probably would have taken twice as long without it.

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

At this point I'm so confused, there are so many moving parts. I'm thinking that I just have a low IQ. If that is the case I should take that into consideration. I'm a slow learner and big part of that is that I can't / won't keep focus on something, because of my pain body. It is kind of a cycle to keep homeostasis so I stay where I'm at.  I see other people who are much less intelligent get things done so I'm doubting right now. It might not be my lack of intelligence why I fail at life.

IQ is something unrelated to self-knowledge. Sometimes it is even an obstacle because it comes with a lot of arrogance, trying to think things through and find "solutions" to "problems". This area is mostly about feelings, about your connection to your body, strong intent to heal and tons and tons of curiosity. If you want to appear as a smart person, self-exploration will not give you any results in this domain. It will give you happiness though.

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Ok, with silencing the trainer you obviously mean: acknowledge its needs/purpose and let go of the emotions, right? It is so disorientating to let go of the circus trainer because I just don't better.

Yes, you are right. I got carried away here. The trainer's purpose is to get you through the day, perform your routine and function on a day-to-day basis. The problem is that it does not look past the surface, past appearances. The child appears broken and insufficient to the trainer because the child lives at the depths of your psyche and it takes conscious attention to understand it. The trainer is not capable of doing that. When you will truly understand the child, then you will see it as something that's been through so much that you will want to hug it and cry for it.

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I get the second line but I'm not sure if I understand the first line. What do you mean with "you were given your energy to fulfill them!"?

Your job as an ego is to fulfill your needs. Transcendence is easier from the place of abundance.

Edited October 1, 2020 by tsuki

[Proserpina]

20 minutes ago, tsuki said:

IQ is something unrelated to self-knowledge. Sometimes it is even an obstacle because it comes with a lot of arrogance, trying to think things through find "solutions" to "problems". This area is mostly about feelings, about your connection to your body, strong intent to heal and tons and tons of curiosity. If you want to appear as a smart person, self-exploration will not give you any results in this domain. It will give you happiness though.

This made me happy c:

I have severe debilitating illness that impacts functionality. 

I feel like I'm growing on some level just by reading this forum alone.  

Edited October 1, 2020 by Proserpina

[Thestarguitarist14]

7 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I work in IT. In terms of my life purpose I haven't fleshed out what specifically I want but it will be in IT.

Okay.  Figure out what it is in IT that you want to do and focus on that.  Thus will give you so much confidence.  It is better to gain confidence without it, but you will start to feel better.