Practised brutal honesty with my first FWB/gf

[nistake]

@StarStruck Yeah, maybe reread it. You probably know this already, but the author stresses the fact that one shouldn't be needy and gives great tips/methods how to overcome the urge.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you got it 

[tsuki]

@StarStruck Oh, and don't let the comments here get you down.

You have to go through this and learn this lesson, even if everybody around you tells you that you're being a fool for whatever reason.
You just don't know any better. There is only one real way of learning in this place and this way is by doing.

Go get that pussy.

[Proserpina]

You could also discuss with her the idea of an one sided open relationship.  She might be open to that if she won't have sex with you. 

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

She didn't reject you bro. She wants you. If it was me I would dial her cell phone # right now.

Arc: Hi nympho girl. Where are you?

Her: I am at XXX

Arc: Don't move I am bringing condoms.

Her: Alright then!

Dude, just keep quiet. You give the opposite of good advice.

[seeking_brilliance]

On 9/26/2020 at 9:42 AM, mandyjw said:

Sometimes you just need someone to fuck your psyche. As if intimacy could be quantified, measured and defined. 

felt that needed repeated...

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by seeking_brilliance

[diamondpenguin]

What is a nympho girl?

[Thestarguitarist14]

It is truly disgusting how some of you guys (more than likely women) are telling this guy that it is okay to be needy.

 

Do not and I repeat DO NOT look for your needs to be filled by someone else.  Make or female.  Only unconscious people do this.  This is why the divorce rate in the U.S.A and Canada is at 51%.

 

A good “relationship” is even two wholes come together.  Not two broken people who need each other.  That’s only in the movies.

[ajai]

On 26/09/2020 at 4:05 PM, StarStruck said:

This girl was such a stunner

Dayummm...........!!! 

[Parththakkar12]

49 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

It is truly disgusting how some of you guys (more than likely women) are telling this guy that it is okay to be needy.

 

Do not and I repeat DO NOT look for your needs to be filled by someone else.  Make or female.  Only unconscious people do this.  This is why the divorce rate in the U.S.A and Canada is at 51%.

 

A good “relationship” is even two wholes come together.  Not two broken people who need each other.  That’s only in the movies.

Why have a relationship then? Why go through the hassle of going out there, dating, doing pickup, talking to a bunch of women, finally get into a relationship? Sex is not technically a need, despite whatever Maslow said.

Human beings have emotional needs that we need other people to meet for us, especially romantic partners. The materialist paradigm will deny this, but it's true. Now I'm not saying you need a romantic relationship to meet them, or that romantic relationship is the only way. But it is the most popular and socially convenient way in today's day and age.

[Thestarguitarist14]

57 minutes ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Why have a relationship then? Why go through the hassle of going out there, dating, doing pickup, talking to a bunch of women, finally get into a relationship? Sex is not technically a need, despite whatever Maslow said.

Human beings have emotional needs that we need other people to meet for us, especially romantic partners. The materialist paradigm will deny this, but it's true. Now I'm not saying you need a romantic relationship to meet them, or that romantic relationship is the only way. But it is the most popular and socially convenient way in today's day and age.

I thought this was actualized.org...

First off, while I am not against relationships, I am certainly against the word and what relationships have become.  You do not need sex.  You can have sex.  But you can rise about your animalistic need for it.  Whenever I hear or read someone talking about just wanting to have sex I see a person who clearly still has a long way to go.

 

I am not denying that we have needs.  The problem with the human race is how we reach out to people to meet these needs.  It creates narcissistic/codependent relationships.  This is why the majority of relationships this day and age are dysfunctional.

[StarStruck]

15 hours ago, tsuki said:

@StarStruck Oh, and don't let the comments here get you down.

You have to go through this and learn this lesson, even if everybody around you tells you that you're being a fool for whatever reason.
You just don't know any better. There is only one real way of learning in this place and this way is by doing.

Go get that pussy.

When you said "you don't know what you are getting yourself into" what did you mean by saying that? Last couple of days have been an emotional upheaval. I can't be the same person any more. I have been acting very assertive in my life since last friday but I feel I'm going towards the cliff. Because of the last 10 years in emotional isolation I seek the opposite. I depend on a fitness bud and family right now and I'm not happy within my body. There are massive pulls on my body by emotions.

13 hours ago, seeking_brilliance said:

felt that needed repeated...

 

Could somebody rephrase the second sentence so I'm sure I understand it.

3 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Why have a relationship then? Why go through the hassle of going out there, dating, doing pickup, talking to a bunch of women, finally get into a relationship? Sex is not technically a need, despite whatever Maslow said.

Human beings have emotional needs that we need other people to meet for us, especially romantic partners. The materialist paradigm will deny this, but it's true. Now I'm not saying you need a romantic relationship to meet them, or that romantic relationship is the only way. But it is the most popular and socially convenient way in today's day and age.

I agree with this. I thought I didn't need relationships for the last 10 years and look where it got me. This morning I was very emotionally unstable and I had to call somebody so they could help me.

Somebody who had healthy early-life relationships and especially good emotionally available parents can be independent and not depend on relationships to be happy. Unfortunately I'm not part of that group.

I think those people with good early-life relationships don't need emotional satisfaction to be happy so they get it paradoxically.

Edited September 29, 2020 by StarStruck

[Arcangelo]

Dude I was just kidding.

[Thestarguitarist14]

3 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I agree with this. I thought I didn't need relationships for the last 10 years and look where it got me. This morning I was very emotionally unstable and I had to call somebody so they could help me.

Somebody who had healthy early-life relationships and especially good emotionally available parents can be independent and not depend on relationships to be happy. Unfortunately I'm not part of that group.

I think those people with good early-life relationships don't need emotional satisfaction to be happy so they get it paradoxically.

Hey man, I did not have good early life relationships.  My mother physically, mentally and emotionally abused me.  My father was absentee, specifically once he lost his job.  While I did have friends and girlfriends growing up, they were terrible.  As an adult the closest thing to a relationship that I have had is when I was in a long distance thing with a woman who I met while she and her sister were on vacation.  Outside of that I dated this woman for a few months who turned out to be a narcissist and treated me like shit.  Everything else has been a revolving door of women coming in and out of my life (which is not all bad).

 

I guess what I am saying does take courage.  You have to realize that no human being can fulfill you.  Say if you somehow meet a woman who will meet your needs.  Guess what?  You will push her away.  Why?  Because you have not even dealt with your own resistance to your needs being met.  
 

Btw, I am not saying to not get into a relationship.  But you only get what you give.  

Edited September 29, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

When you said "you don't know what you are getting yourself into" what did you mean by saying that?

My experience has taught me that women want something completely different from what I thought they did. And by women I mean one particular woman that I'm with. I was always my greatest obstacle and words don't do this realization any justice. I'm sorry if I sound cryptic but there is just no way to put this into words.

Does your brutal honesty involve telling her that you have a personal dating backstage on actualized.org? Hahaha

Oh, and what are your intentions with her, rally? Do you want to fuck, or are you open for something deeper?

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Last couple of days have been an emotional upheaval. I can't be the same person any more.

No, you're not .

In the early stages of your relationship, you are probably falling in love with your own expectations and an unsaid promise that she will satisfy some needs that you're not yet ready to acknowledge in yourself. Don't let that discourage you! Go get that pussy!

[StarStruck]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

My experience has taught me that women want something completely different from what I thought they did. And by women I mean one particular woman that I'm with. I was always my greatest obstacle and words don't do this realization any justice. I'm sorry if I sound cryptic but there is just no way to put this into words.

Does your brutal honesty involve telling her that you have a personal dating backstage on actualized.org? Hahaha

Oh, and what are your intentions with her, rally? Do you want to fuck, or are you open for something deeper?

No, you're not .

In the early stages of your relationship, you are probably falling in love with your own expectations and an unsaid promise that she will satisfy some needs that you're not yet ready to acknowledge in yourself. Don't let that discourage you! Go get that pussy!

It doesn't sound cryptic at all. I was thinking the exact same thoughts: girls want something completely different than I thought. I always thought girls liked well spoken and educated guys. I was mistaken. This girl's ex is bipolar, aggressive, weird, egoistic and unlovable in many other ways. How come she loves her and not me? That is driving me crazy. It is not even really about her. I started looking around and I saw girls pick their partners on a completely different criteria than I thought. The rug is pulled under me. Do girls just like confident and needy guys? Can you really boil it to that?

Did I tell her about this thread on this forum? That night I told her that it was a mistake that I told her my secrets and showed my sensitive side. Previously she told me it was ok to be vulnerable; it wasn't ok because all those brutal truths turned her off. I told her if I was a bad boy she would have fucked me but because I'm  a good guy she won't. She argued against it and eventually saw the truth herself. The day after she texted me to apologize and said she wants to see me again some time.

I don't see her as long term material. I saw her as a stepping stone to jump start my dating life. I'm afraid she will just give me pity sex. I'm just going to work on the material that was advices in this topic and see her again, if she wants to see me again. I won't be seeing her again until I'm confident. I will be the bad boy she wants.

Quote

In the early stages of your relationship, you are probably falling in love with your own expectations and an unsaid promise that she will satisfy some needs that you're not yet ready to acknowledge in yourself. Don't let that discourage you! Go get that pussy!

I really don't know how to acknowledge that what I seek in her. I think I want love, understanding and attention, and especially somebody who I can talk to and who can support me.

Edited September 29, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

2 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

Hey man, I did not have good early life relationships.  My mother physically, mentally and emotionally abused me.  My father was absentee, specifically once he lost his job.  While I did have friends and girlfriends growing up, they were terrible.  As an adult the closest thing to a relationship that I have had is when I was in a long distance thing with a woman who I met while she and her sister were on vacation.  Outside of that I dated this woman for a few months who turned out to be a narcissist and treated me like shit.  Everything else has been a revolving door of women coming in and out of my life (which is not all bad).

 

I guess what I am saying does take courage.  You have to realize that no human being can fulfill you.  Say if you somehow meet a woman who will meet your needs.  Guess what?  You will push her away.  Why?  Because you have not even dealt with your own resistance to your needs being met.  
 

Btw, I am not saying to not get into a relationship.  But you only get what you give.  

We have similar life situations. My youth was just one emotional black hole. Parents were like you mentioned and my grand parents were somewhat emotionally available but they constantly abandoned me.

And you are right about me pushing away girls. I have been doing that for a very long time. I'm not stupid and I saw the mechanism at work but I didn't / don't know how to fix it.

Yesterday I was in the gym with my buddy. He talked to her female friend. He told me to come and emotions took over and I started acting like weird and afraid. Women pick up on that so fast. They are fine tuned to it.

[tsuki]

33 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

This girl's ex is bipolar, aggressive, weird, egoistic and unlovable in many other ways. How come she loves her and not me? That is driving me crazy. It is not even really about her. The rug is pulled under me. Do girls just like confident and needy guys? Can you really boil it to that?

Your wounded ego is showing. You're taking her past partners personally.

34 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

That night I told her that it was a mistake that I told her my secrets and showed my sensitive side. Previously she told me it was ok to be vulnerable . It wasn't ok because all those brutal truths turned her off. I told her if I was a bad boy she would have fucked me but because I'm  a good guy she won't. She argued against it and eventually saw the truth herself. The day after she texted me to apologize and said she wants to see me again some time.

Here, you are being toxic.

35 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I don't see her as long term material. I saw her as a stepping stone to jump start my dating life. I'm afraid she will just give me pity sex. I'm just going to work on the material that was advices in this topic and see her again, if she wants to see me again.

And here, you are turning even me off.

35 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

I really don't know how to acknowledge that what I seek in her. I think I want love, understanding and attention, and especially somebody who I can talk to and who can support me.

Finally, some honesty.

[Parththakkar12]

5 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I agree with this. I thought I didn't need relationships for the last 10 years and look where it got me. This morning I was very emotionally unstable and I had to call somebody so they could help me.

Somebody who had healthy early-life relationships and especially good emotionally available parents can be independent and not depend on relationships to be happy. Unfortunately I'm not part of that group.

I think those people with good early-life relationships don't need emotional satisfaction to be happy so they get it paradoxically.

The norm is not good early-life relationships, the norm is dysfunctional, emotionally neglectful relationships. You do need to be emotionally satisfied in your relationships to be happy. People's relationship life looks happy on the surface and on social media, actually most relationships suck.

Also, having had healthy early-life relationships will not make you more independent later in life. You will always have those needs. What will happen is that you will have learned the tools to bring in the people to meet your needs because your parents had figured it out.

What happens with other people, or people who ignore this stuff is that they are just really unconscious, they are so stuck in the materialist paradigm chasing money/sex that they will not even consider this as a possibility. They do not really care about having emotionally satisfying and fulfilling relationships, which is why they are happy with the norm. You want emotionally satisfying relationships, which is why the norm is not good enough for you.

[StarStruck]

@tsuki I won't deny I'm fucked up. I'm sick of seeing other people who are mean getting girls and I'm acting out. I wasn't like this before the date.

To me it feels not acting out means being stuck where I 'm. Acting out means doing stupid shit but eventually learning from it and transcend. It is not healthy to deny the shadow sides.

I know the answer isn't fucking her or making her my gf. I have to seek the answers inside but I'm not smart enough or conscious enough to do that right now. I have to be honest to myself.

[Thestarguitarist14]

56 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

We have similar life situations. My youth was just one emotional black hole. Parents were like you mentioned and my grand parents were somewhat emotionally available but they constantly abandoned me.

And you are right about me pushing away girls. I have been doing that for a very long time. I'm not stupid and I saw the mechanism at work but I didn't / don't know how to fix it.

Yesterday I was in the gym with my buddy. He talked to her female friend. He told me to come and emotions took over and I started acting like weird and afraid. Women pick up on that so fast. They are fine tuned to it.

You see the issue here right?  You clearly have abandonment issues.  So you are self sabotaging when you get with a woman.  I have done this so many times.  After narrowly avoiding a narcissistic trap (I am gonna h to just guess, but you have come across a few narcissist or narcissistic women right) in August, I decided to do a lot of healing work, including mediating on self sabotage.  That help me a shit ton.

 

Women are simply more guided by their emotions more than guys are so they pick up on things a lot quicker.

 

You have to dive deep in yourself.  If I am being honest, you should not be worried about dating anyone.  At least until you don’t care about being with a woman, which will help you get more women.  You need to give yourself ultimate self love, self acceptance, self approval and self trust.  You need to become your own best friend.  You need to find where you demons hide and bring them to light.