Practised brutal honesty with my first FWB/gf

[josh jones]

why not, he's throwing shade all over the poor kid who asked the question.

[Recursoinominado]

22 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

WTF is this gay needy nonsense???

[creator20]

Obviously I don't know who this woman is as a person or how legitimate her claim was of her "wanting a long term relationship." But, as a woman who has heard similar things, I would keep my expectations rather low on this one after the events & conversations that went down. It's no secret you didn't play your cards as well as you could have in terms of seduction, but it's a lesson learned. Perhaps you made a valuable friend, perhaps you helped her come to some realizations for herself, perhaps you genuinely helped another person improve their life & overcome some issues. Regardless of whether or not you got laid, you had a mystical experience with another human being as you said. If you are going to make any attempt to dial this back a few notches, I would say do not contact her for a few days to let the date blow over a bit in her memory. The next time you speak, if you speak, keep the conversation fun & playful & stay emotionally detached from needing sex or anything from her. Keep it cool, calm, & collected, flirt a little bit and see how she responds. If she responds well to some light flirting, you may have your second chance at saving this - If her attitude has changed toward you since the date or if she doesn't seem to be as on board with the flirting as she was previously, let go of any expectations & move on as you see fit. 

Failures are critical to future successes. 

Edited September 27, 2020 by creator20

[FortisFortunaAdiuvat]

23 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You have to treat sex like it means nothing.

Love this but it feels so counterintuitive to me. I always put it on a pedestal and it gets in the way.

 

13 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Feel like you're on psychedelics all the time

That's actually an interesting thing to work towards.

[josh jones]

treat sex like it's nothing only if you want empty sex.

[Proserpina]

Personally, I would move on. You're wasting your time. 

[wavydude]

12 hours ago, josh jones said:

Leo still sounds like a little boy the way he's talking in this thread.

That's my impression too, he sound like a high schooler who got laid and now he's teaching he's homies how to get mad puss  "fuck the emotional mess just slay the pussy bruh lol" 

[Martin123]

8 minutes ago, wavydude said:

That's my impression too, he sound like a high schooler who got laid and now he's teaching he's homies how to get mad puss  "fuck the emotional mess just slay the pussy bruh lol" 

This is too funny ???

[StarStruck]

@Martin123 Thanks for the resources and quiz.

I have been thinking about this topic for the last two days. I decided to make notes of this topic and stop thinking about it otherwise I'm going to go insane over a loose woman. To summarize my feelings towards her:

I would never settle down for her. She admitted she had sex with every guy she went home with. This was the thing that hit my ego so hard.

For me she was my real first date. For her she was the first guy she didn't have sex with after going home with him.

For the coming time, I'm just going to do some approaches and do shit ton meditation.

On 26-9-2020 at 5:05 PM, K Ghoul said:

@StarStruck You might still recover from this. Apply brute force and unload a heavy dose of aggressive sexuality on her. Such a dramatic shift from a nice guy to an arrogant asshole will, at least, put you out of the dumpster hole that you got yourself into. The predatory aura that such a move will create around you should do the trick - based on what she told you about herself, she will go nuts. Once things are leveled out, you can proceed further.

 

 

Are you serious about it or is it a joke? I forced myself on her and she rejected me. I didn't want to continue forcing myself when she gave clear instructions not to do so.

1. I forced myself on her in the kitchen when she was washing my dishes
2. And I pulled her towards me couple of times but she didn't want to come on the sofa

At one point when I said: "Fuck you" after the teased me. She said "fuck me then".  Then I just rolled my eyes. Perhaps that was the only window of opportunity and I missed it.

Edited September 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[StarStruck]

23 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

@StarStruck Check out Teal Swan on youtube. She has amazing content on relationships and creating authentic relationships. If you really want to go through the emotional labor (and it is a LOT of emotional labor) to create authentic and meaningful relationships, then that is for you.

I started with tuning in more and more into my emotions and learning to name emotions, seeing internal emotional patterns and linking them to my childhood. This really opened Pandora's box for me. I've had a 2 year long emotional healing crisis ever since and things are changing very rapidly for me!

The fact that I was a wage-slave was a big part of why I didn't have time to date. There, I got more attuned to how I feel and I started to get more on track with my Life Purpose. When you have that going as a male, good things start to happen for you. I just had to leave wage-slavery in order to have better personal relationships. It's been a mix of finding myself, enlightenment work but most of it on relationships.

Thanks for the advice. Does she have a program or just videos? I would like to know which videos to search for.

18 hours ago, josh jones said:

none of that stuff matters if the girl likes you. I've done all of that stuff, made every "mistake" in the so-called dating book, and still gotten the girl. nobody has perfect dating game, the girl doesn't, you don't need to. Its exhausting trying to play by all the rules. Just relax.

Yesterday, the day after, she contacted me and apologized for not opening herself up. She said she would like to see me again.

After that we didn't text that much. I'm afraid she will just give me pitty sex.

 

19 hours ago, electroBeam said:

@StarStruck Along with the suggestion of attachment styles, you can also try loving kindness meditation. No need to make things complex. Just sit down, imagine or think about a time you really cared for someone, or had empathy for someone, then just generate more, then spread that energy to your parents, friends, strangers, people who bullied you. 

You can also try loving what arises(matt khan).

And you can also try Byron Katies  love/forgiveness technique.

Thank you for your advice, guys. I took notes and I will implement them this week.

Edited September 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[Martin123]

6 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

After that we didn't text that much. I'm afraid she will just give me pitty sex.

You’re looking for reasons why it won’t work out and sabotaging a relationship that might be a great opportunity for your evolution.

 

set your fears aside, and meet her with the openness that only good can come out of what happens between the two of you. It this way you’re making sure that no amount of potential disappointment will sabotage your opportunity to grow and evolve!  

[StarStruck]

15 hours ago, creator20 said:

Obviously I don't know who this woman is as a person or how legitimate her claim was of her "wanting a long term relationship." But, as a woman who has heard similar things, I would keep my expectations rather low on this one after the events & conversations that went down. It's no secret you didn't play your cards as well as you could have in terms of seduction, but it's a lesson learned. Perhaps you made a valuable friend, perhaps you helped her come to some realizations for herself, perhaps you genuinely helped another person improve their life & overcome some issues. Regardless of whether or not you got laid, you had a mystical experience with another human being as you said. If you are going to make any attempt to dial this back a few notches, I would say do not contact her for a few days to let the date blow over a bit in her memory. The next time you speak, if you speak, keep the conversation fun & playful & stay emotionally detached from needing sex or anything from her. Keep it cool, calm, & collected, flirt a little bit and see how she responds. If she responds well to some light flirting, you may have your second chance at saving this - If her attitude has changed toward you since the date or if she doesn't seem to be as on board with the flirting as she was previously, let go of any expectations & move on as you see fit. 

Failures are critical to future successes. 

Fuck that mystical shit that I said. I was high as a kite when I wrote that. And me being high fucked everything up in the first place. I held everything together until I decided to smoke a spliff.

I will do what you said though. Yesterday she apologized for being emotionally closed off (although she wasn't) and that she forgot to text me when she arrived back home.

Currently I'm stressed but not really stressed she didn't give me sex. She opened up a can of worms by dating me as an incel. Emotionally I feel attached to her because she pulled me out of my incel-hood. She is in no way long term gf material. I'm just emotionally fucked right now because this date put me out of complacency/apathy. I even had thoughts of suicide which is ridiculous, especially because she is no long term gf material.

[Recursoinominado]

6 hours ago, wavydude said:

That's my impression too, he sound like a high schooler who got laid and now he's teaching he's homies how to get mad puss  "fuck the emotional mess just slay the pussy bruh lol" 

He is absolutely correct, though. 

[josh jones]

a good way to not sound needy and obsessed is, don't spend hours and hours studying pickup dating theory.

[StarStruck]

24 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

You’re looking for reasons why it won’t work out and sabotaging a relationship that might be a great opportunity for your evolution.

 

set your fears aside, and meet her with the openness that only good can come out of what happens between the two of you. It this way you’re making sure that no amount of potential disappointment will sabotage your opportunity to grow and evolve!  

I'm trying to be open and be myself but everything I'm being myself I fuck up like I wrote in the OP. Me being open and honest means no sex/no gf.

I will focus on shadow work and see what happens. There are so many moving parts that I don't know where to focus on.

For example: should I text her to ask which part of the conversation that night she was serious and which part she was just holding me on a string? I want to know if she really wants me as a long term FWB/gf. I wanted to send this question out of honest/openness. I thought about this question for a minute and I discovered that if I do that I will continue to set the boyfriend frame, instead of the fuckboy frame (lightness and fun). This is what I mean. Being honest and open doesn't work for me.

14 hours ago, Proserpina said:

Personally, I would move on. You're wasting your time. 

I wish I could. Meeting girls in a public space is impossible other than day game and gym. My creepiness/neediness is because I don't have a lot of options. Doing massive amount of day game in my own city is creepy but I will have no option.

Edited September 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[Martin123]

@StarStruck Instead of telling stories and assigning meaning to her behaviour, merely realise that what your mind is telling you is only because of your past experiences of abuse and betrayal telling you that this relationship will be the same as the relationships you’ve experienced as a young child, which I could imagine were horrifying,

 

but the present is always different from the past, no matter what our traumatic history suggests.

 

deep down If you really feel into it there’s a part of you that truly wants to trust her. Bring that forward and let it lead the way. It knows what to do. 

[StarStruck]

11 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@StarStruck Instead of telling stories and assigning meaning to her behaviour, merely realise that what your mind is telling you is only because of your past experiences of abuse and betrayal telling you that this relationship will be the same as the relationships you’ve experienced as a young child, which I could imagine were horrifying,

 

but the present is always different from the past, no matter what our traumatic history suggests.

 

deep down If you really feel into it there’s a part of you that truly wants to trust her. Bring that forward and let it lead the way. It knows what to do. 

Thanks, I will try to do that. The thing is that she doesn't text me back as much as I text her. At this point I'm more depressed about my own life. I don't get why everybody in my surrounding has it easy making gf's and making a social circle and not me.

For a long time I just thought I had bad luck or that it was my surrounding. Recently I discovered it is just my mindset that causes my incel-hood. I know I have to let that identity go. Obviously my parents that a huge impact on my mindset and how I see the world. I thought I had forgiven them but all of my social fuck ups lead to them; I'm angry at them and they are at fault but that doesn't solve any of my problems.

I'm ashamed to admit it but that date night I broke down (cannabis triggered it I think), I literally saw her as my mother and painfully she rejected me. I get why she didn't want to have sex with me. She thought I was a tough guy and she got a cry baby at the end.

Edited September 27, 2020 by StarStruck

[Martin123]

@StarStruck it’s not a matter of forgiving your parents, it’s a matter of recognising the traumatic and abusive cycles you’ve experienced and allowing yourself to work through the horrors your nervous system still remembers.

 

its not that you’re a fuck up, it’s that your nervous system is protecting you from the trauma you carry that is associated with close intimate relationships. 
As you heal, you start feeling safer and more whole in your body, and all that once needed to be protected, will become a fertile ground for intimacy to be bred, cherished and cultivated with each interaction you have. 

[StarStruck]

2 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@StarStruck it’s not a matter of forgiving your parents, it’s a matter of recognising the traumatic and abusive cycles you’ve experienced and allowing yourself to work through the horrors your nervous system still remembers.

 

its not that you’re a fuck up, it’s that your nervous system is protecting you from the trauma you carry that is associated with close intimate relationships. 
As you heal, you start feeling safer and more whole in your body, and all that once needed to be protected, will become a fertile ground for intimacy to be bred, cherished and cultivated with each interaction you have. 

I don't know how to solve it though. I read several books on it. It seems that going into relationships and letting things come up is the only way to deal with those traumatic/abusive cycles.

Some people on this forum recommended I should focus on enlightenment before relationships. My lack of relationships is poisoning my quality of life, my life purpose and everything else. 

Sometimes I think I just have a low IQ but my problem lack of attention. I can't focus on work when I'm in an emotional roller-coaster. I can't do enlightenment when I'm starving for intimacy and emotional gratification. Am I wrong on this?

Currently I'm reading a book on shadow work and watching some trauma release videos.

[Martin123]

3 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Sometimes I think I just have a low IQ but my problem lack of attention. I can't focus on work when I'm in an emotional roller-coaster. I can't do enlightenment when I'm starving for intimacy and emotional gratification. Am I wrong on this?

Currently I'm reading a book on shadow work and watching some trauma release videos.

 It’s only because you carry PTSd-like patterning that caused you to behave in hyper vigilant ways and disallowed you to effectively regulate your emotions.

 

you are right. Once you get into a relationship it will inspire the necessary openness needed for your growth ahead. Just approach it gently and consciously, knowing that there will be many trigger points and rites of passage, but it will be only for your growth.

 

make sure you become aware of your patterns, and commit to resolving them within the relationship.

 

ps: form the channel I sent you on YouTube, find fearful avoidant attachment style and learn all there is to learn about it.

 

all the best !!