Catastrophizing with my Relationships

[creator20]

I'll just be blunt, whenever my significant other, mom, dad, etc... doesn't text me back in an average amount of time or has their phone off (Which is unusual), I automatically think that they're dead. I will truly sit & work myself up over the thought of them possibly having have gotten into a car accident or dying somehow & no matter how mindful I try to be, there's always that intrusive thought trying to come in that someone close to me has died even when I have no evidence to support this other than no text back or a non-delivered text message.

I know why this happens to me. In the past, my significant other called me drunk in distress telling me that he felt like he was going to die & that he couldn't breathe screaming for help on the phone while he was on vacation, and then all of a sudden his phone died & I was anxious for his wellbeing all throughout the night. I tried to text him 100 times, but none of the texts delivered. I was in a panicky state until I got a call from one of his friends hours later telling me that he was ok. Ever since that incident, I have had these anxious intrusive thoughts whenever someone I care about does not respond to me in a timely manner or when my messages don't deliver. 

I know logically that the thoughts are catastrophic & unlikely to be true- But this doesn't translate emotionally for me. I still get very worked up & if I manage to calm myself down I'm still left with a very uncomfortable & mildly anxious feeling until I do get that text back. If anyone has experienced this same thing any insights/coping mechanisms/advice would be appreciated 

[DianaFr]

Yes, I know what you’re talking about. I have the same fear and I have been struggling with if for nearly my entire life. The cause for me was a childhood trauma – I lost an attachment figure (my grandfather) at an early age and it messed my life up in many ways. I learned that my loved ones I depended on can suddenly depart and get erased from my life, and I transferred that fear on other people that were taking care of me as a child and later to every romantic partner I had.

What has helped me. Realizing that my fear is not predictive, that when I feel it, it’s not indicating that something bad has happened to my loved one, but that it merely points to the situation that I experienced as a child. I came to this realization once I noticed that as soon as I ended my relationship with somebody, the fear about them went away as well. I stopped caring whether they answered or not. So that fear is just my stuff that is not pointing towards any real danger, simply reminding me to keep healing my childhood trauma.

Another thing that helped is to accept that I have no control over other people’s life and death. That is something I can’t control, and this realization made me focus more on building my life skills and spending my time in a meaningful way. We never know what and when will happen. So we better do something useful with the time we have and appreciate the people we share our journey with.

I suggest you try to decipher the meaning you have attached to the possibility of losing your loved one. What is that part of you that finds coping with death so horrific? What would happen to you if somebody actually died? What are you actually afraid of? As far as I have found out, at the very root of that is the massive amount of pain and suffering we think we will have no way of overcoming and which would eventually lead to our own demise. But is that really true? If there was a way to lead a good life even after losing somebody, what would it be and how woold it look like? Basically, this thing becomes pretty existential. But anyway, at least I shared

[Origins]

I used to experience a lot of borderline symptoms - I have a much more secure attachment style these days, it sounds like you're at the very least partly an anxious attachment style. Solution. Learn to heal the symptoms at a causal level. Our actions are always at the whim of our emotions which produce thoughts that further corrupt our emotions to actions. Don't focus on your thoughts, focus on accepting everything in your inner experience validating everything as it arises while learning to get to the root experiences of your emotions. Then overtime the thoughts will disappear as they change as the emotions change. 

Maybe the book "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" by Elaine Aron will be beneficial, there's also a book called Attached by Levine and Heller that is a decent read.

[Martin123]

10 minutes ago, Origins said:

it sounds like you're at the very least partly an anxious attachment style. Solution. Learn to heal the symptoms at a causal level. Our actions are always at the whim of our emotions which produce thoughts that further corrupt our emotions to actions. Don't focus on your thoughts, focus on accepting everything in your inner experience validating everything as it arises while learning to get to the root experiences of your emotions. Then overtime the thoughts will disappear as they change as the emotions change. 

That is an impressive advice that I am not used to seeing here at all! I am stunned, yes it's anxious attachment, I love everything you said! Who are you!

@creator20 As Origins said, you seem to be like an anxious attachment. What I will say on top of his advice is that with anxiously attached individuals, there tends to be this 'secondary gain' of something being wrong, and that is 'as long as there's something wrong with them, I can relate to them, because I don't know how to build a relationship with someone without something being wrong.'

It is because at the deepest level you associate your ability to relate to someone with worry, and without the cortissol stress response you actually feel like you're being disconnected, which may bring up uncomfortable sensations of unsafety and abandonment. 
The way out of this is making peace with relaxation, and building a deeper relationship with yourself, rather than relying on anxiety to always keep you connected to others.

All the best!

[Origins]

1 minute ago, Martin123 said:

That is an impressive advice that I am not used to seeing here at all! I am stunned, yes it's anxious attachment, I love everything you said! Who are you!
 

Yeah no problem. I'm running at about 10-15% (sleep deprived) and have to stay awake for about 9 more hours so yeah. No big deal! 

[Martin123]

@Origins I wish you much energy and rejuvenation on your 9-hour adventure! 

[Roy]

I've experienced the exact same thing. The problem is you get caught up in the magnitude and the emotions of them, and take them as truth. What helps it to sit with the thoughts, detach from them for a second and examine how absurd they are. Probe at them with questions like;

Could this even happen to them?

How likely is it?

Is it in my control anyways? What does worrying accomplish?

Is it serving me to use energy thinking about it?

Does it feel good to sit with this thought? Or will it feel better to let it go?

Make it a habit to question and poke at the logic of them. As you get better at this you'll notice how easily they evaporate and how they are just nonsense.

Your thoughts =/= Reality

Edited October 5, 2020 by Roy