I am very confused

[Sandeep Reddy]

This is first ever post of mine in this forum

 

I have been watching Leo's videos since past 5 years. He has really opened me up to new possibilities. Way before, I thought that being atheist is everything and it's a supreme and only real stance to take in this world. Now, I am able to entertain many different paradoxes together. But I also find that, there's another side to it. I am quite confused over what stance to take to view this world.

Leo explained in his video "9 Stages of Ego Development" about construct-aware stage. It resonated with me flawlessly. I saw language is meaningless and I thought it is enlightenment. When I say meaningless, it itself does not have any meaning and this goes in loop and there's nothing I can point out to. I enjoyed this stage for, I think, 5 months and then I came back to normal.

Is this possible? 

I felt like I couldn't handle that stage because I don't have enough tools in my pocket. I thought I still have to learn so much stuff in philosophy and psychology. I felt the knowledge I have isn't enough to handle such a perspective. So, I consciously dropped it. Not only that, there are other reasons too. I saw major parts of my life are messed up, my emotions, social life, relationships, and career. Like I couldn't communicate or articulate stuff with people properly. With that, I couldn't handle myself taking meaning out of them. In fact, I felt like I am fooling myself looking at the world in this perspective. 

What should I do?

Should I go back to entertaining construct-aware perspective or is that going to harm my personal life?

Should I research more, gather more information about the world, and play with relative truths before taking on such a perspective?

I find every damn video pointing out wrong information. This is one of the traits of construct-aware stage. I feel like words are nothing. What we are left with is only the image and feeling generated by the object. I find it quite confusing because I can't subscribe to anything at this stage. Every philosophy or statement that's being said is pointing in wrong direction. 

 

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I have been reading few other posts and found many other people giving reasonable responses. Hope I made myself clear in this post.

 

*To put things in perspective, I am 19 year old guy from third world country(India). Right now, I am studying in a college which I don't like at all. Majority of students in that college subscribed to conformism. I have social anxiety. I find myself socially awkward and not able to put words well for explanation. Recently, I have started freelancing. I am earning less, it's not my purpose, but I feel relatively happy when compared to college. 

 

[JosephKnecht]

4 hours ago, Sandeep Reddy said:

Should I go back to entertaining construct-aware perspective or is that going to harm my personal life?

You are 19. You still have a lot to construct before you deconstruct. 

I would suggest that you work more on self-imporvement in the aspects where you are lacking. Social anxiety, friendship, relationships, etc. 

There is time for everything. You should become well-rounded in all aspects of life.  

[Guest SirVladimir]

I am nineteen too, friend. Listen. You have got a couple of pleasable options: Either go all in; meditate 12 hours a day, meditate your pants off during sleep, find a rock to snuggle up under, find a cave or a monastery to live in. Become Jesus straight away. If that is your truest calling, nothing can hold you. Let's not pretend. But you'd be one in a billion. Don't expect any sort of 'how to prepare for the wildest existence' tutorials. OR: Hang around in society and build a sustainable life. This is going to require to integrate the previous stages; to fill in the missing gaps. Don't get me wrong - you can achieve transcendental levels relatively easily at this age because you have got less to deconstruct - assuming you embrace and integrate past traumas and get over your anxiety. But our environment requires a certain level of material validation, too. It is very hard to sustain higher stages without having a proper foundation first. It's a castle of glass - unless you decide to go all in, of course. Both options are alright in this eternal playground that is reality. Worry less. Enjoy life more. Enjoy the inventions of our time. You can do everyday activities mindfully. This is not a race. Not even a marathon. Having a life purpose is a shining beacon in the dark. A vision you build towards. Return to basics. Solve problems from the bottom up. Be responsible. Good work! 

[Sandeep Reddy]

12 hours ago, JosephKnecht said:

You are 19. You still have a lot to construct before you deconstruct.

You literally told the voice of my mind. I am not ready yet to take on construct-aware worldview. I still have to learn so much stuff about world. I should also better myself in social life, relationships, career and also get over social anxiety. 

[Sandeep Reddy]

10 hours ago, SirVladimir said:

you can achieve transcendental levels relatively easily at this age because you have got less to deconstruct - assuming you embrace and integrate past traumas and get over your anxiety

10 hours ago, SirVladimir said:

It is very hard to sustain higher stages without having a proper foundation first. It's a castle of glass - unless you decide to go all in, of course

Yes! I agree with you. I got very less content to deconstruct. I didn't research more on spirituality, self-help, psychology, philosophy that I could call myself knowledgeable in it. All I could deconstruct was emotions, basic self-help stuff & talks with people. I didn't go existential with that. I sort of played with that worldview to only get some BENEFIT out of it. I thought it would solve my social problems, career problems & health problems. It changed the way I view it but it didn't solve it.

Thanks for taking your time to write this post