Integration with life?

[electroBeam]

Main reason why I'm writing this here is there is 1 bit of resistance/confusion occurring within me.

Its about living life. Working, friendships, family, buying groceries, etc.

The past week, has seen a drop in my performance at work. A complete lack of care for paying my bills. I complete lack of care for doing family stuff. 

And there's resistance or 'feeling bad' about that. Is there actually an absolute, true feeling bad about it? Honestly I don't think I care about the above happening. Its just social conditioning. But its a very strong form of resistance, so strong that I can't inspect and tell the difference between whether its social conditioning or an actual discord or dissonance with love/what I feel.

There's lots of social conditioning about the path in me that are deep in my bones. Hearing about how stupid Eckhart Tolle was for sitting at a parkbench for a year. Listening to Leo talk about the importance of materialistic possessions on 'the path'. So much more. And these aren't even general social conditioning from my parents, these are the premium grade beliefs, the ones from the noble wise tier of 'spiritual teachers and the path'. The benevolent  beliefs. The ones that I care about, because spirituality is so important to me. Its the only thing I care about. And there's a bit of a tug of war going on, because I genuinely don't care about those things. Its the tension that is arising within me. 

A week ago, I thought I was going to go insane. I thought I was about to have dementia. There was massive bliss that at random times were dissolving the universe. I was at the gym and worried I was about to enter a 10 gram trip. It was intense. 

And then a week of that, finally the bliss just overrided the body and mind, and everything beyond appearance just dropped away. All of the fear, karma and trauma of electroBeam died with electroBeam, so even though it was traumatic, didn't matter in the end. An end to a horror movie, just left to laugh at it. The next nights saw huge amounts of dissolving bliss just override the body, and the body had massive existential fear... but there was no one to care. The existential fear was detached, and reality was allowed to do whatever it wanted. Like a plane that's got the emergency lights ringing, but no pilot. The next days I had very intense breathing pain and I developed a fever. I thought I had cancer. Did I care? Fuck no. In fact, that would have been a perfect way to end. 

All people's worldviews, opinions, literally don't exist. All humans are flares of intelligence (you). Everything other than that intelligence is delusion. And you're all here right now pretending to be everywhere, absolutely everywhere, but here. 

And my entire career, all of the motivation of it, literally came from the opinions of others. Opinions of my boss, coworkers, parents. And when those slipped away... there's no desire to take my career super seriously. Just enough to eat food... and even that, if the body dies who the fuck cares?

I still had a tiny strand of belief in my career to keep going at that time.

There's absolute no desire to do family things. There's no desire to do anything like that. 

There is a will though. A will to help as many appearances/flares of intelligence (me) get through this dream the best way possible. Huge sense of compassion for the flares. Because the flares are me. And that's why electroBeam has been more active on here recently. Trying to help as many as possible, a natural transition from helping the human, to helping the dream. 

And this desire to help has nothing to do with my career. Its a total illusion my career. But I have to eat! I have to live. But its a total illusion! But I have to eat! Oh the tug of war! With no one to care about the tug of war of course hahahahah. 

There is a desire/will to help others, to overcome my egoic identifications that are still left (because there's still lots of identification to purge). To let go of the remaining judgements I have of the world. And most importantly, to quench my desire to know WHY WHY WHY. WHY plants? Trees? grass? Leo? The path? Why everything!

And that went full steam ahead. Because without an ego, the work to do the above just went in overdrive. 

And now, that belief that was keeping my career in tact, is just about gone. Because, the entire universe (all the appearances) are talking to me, all the time. The light posts, the television, people, facebook, even my colleagues, calculator, trees, especially the flowers. They are all telling me that they are exactly the way they are because of <...> something they are keeping a secret from me. "haven't you noticed, that me the light post, is exactly this shape because <...>" "haven't you noticed that time is here because of <...>" "haven't you noticed that this receipt is on the ground precisely because of <...>" "haven't you noticed your spiritual path unfolded this way because of <...>" "haven't you noticed your ex is this precise one because of <...>" "haven't you noticed that Leo talks about infinite love, Rumi talks about infinite love because of <...>" "haven't you noticed that Sadhguru's deep care for the world is precisely because he sees <...>" Yeah for sure, I'm feeling that extremely deep sense of importance of the universe too. But fucking tell me all you appearances! Tell me! "Nah, not yet" Why bitch! Tell me! I'm begging to know.

And I just cannot keep a career going in this state... Because whatever the above is, seems a trillion times more important than my career. And any materialistic stuff. Oh but the tug of war! Those beliefs telling me not to screw up my career are really fucking convincing. 

The universe feels like once <...> happens, literally everything will dissolve and it will be game over. And you know what? Fucken great! Who the fuck cares! Because there's no ego to care? I'm totally fine and on board with game over!

 

The tug of war is driving me nuts. And I'm posting here for clarity and resolve of it. Its been driving me nuts for the past few days. Cannot figure out what <...> is, and don't know whether I should be worried about how I'm basically chucking my material existence away. Is it wise to chuck that away? My care for it is almost none. End up in mcdonalds and who the fuck cares. 

[Raptorsin7]

@electroBeam Can you delegate your main responsibilities to a manager or a partner?

It sounds like you're either developing schizophrenia or having a series of major awakenings, but in either case maybe try to stabilize your life so you don't wake up in a few months and regret what happened during this period.

[electroBeam]

@Raptorsin7 from my perspective, you're like a character planning 1 year in the future when there's only 2 pages left of the book bahahahahahahhaha. Why delegate when they wont be there?

EDIT: or maybe it has already ended, and thinking otherwise is delusion hahahahaha. 

But I totally get you, with the whole schizophrenic thing. 

I think the way out of this fear is to realize and accept that the book literally is closing. Which isn't scary at all, its fucken hilarious. 

But again, totally get where you're coming from with the whole schizophrenic thing, I thought the same a couple a weeks ago. 

Its interesting because, it feels like time will just keep going forward forever. But what if stops this saturday? bahahaha No one's contemplated that, but it feels so true. Just writing this for fun, don't get too freaked out. 

Edited September 24, 2020 by electroBeam