Being Independant Of External Factors Or The Selfish Destruction Of Friendships?

[Mooders]

I have just woken up and showered so I am going to try and explain what i was thinking about in the shower clearly (Im kind of hoping it will sort of come together as im writting it to be honest)

I am trying more and more to remove other peoples approval from my self worth. I think that through most of my teenage years my mood was heavily impacted by how relationships are were going, in particular this one girl that 'friend zoned' me. At the time i think i was emotionally not as strong as i am now, i have had strong feelings of anxiety throughout the entirety of my teenage years (im 21 now and in university) so I have used these people (3 in particular) a LOT for emotional support over the years and it has gotten to the point where I can trust them to not judge me for pretty much any thought I throw at them or i can trust them to be there for emotional support when the shit hits the fan however i still have the problem of my general mood being based around my relationships with them and others, whilst this worked in the past I would like to focus on my work and personal development now rather then work on making these people like me.

In particular there was this one girl in which has 'friend zoned' me as i mentioned before, it has been beneficial to me to keep her around through the tough times as I am pretty sure i have been in love with her for a good amount of this time. It has been years, and whilst i may be overly critical of myself here I might have had a hand in pushing away her other friends as awful as this makes me feel in order to get closer with this girl. This is something i would no longer do and I feel not so much guilt but more so that it was a part of myself that needed to be developed and so i did that. The problem now being I am somewhat of a pillar in her life holding her up and her with me also, this is nice and we have had some beautiful conversations however as she moves on to dating I have been encouraging her to do so, I want her to be happy at this point I feel i haven't been the best of friends to her and I can at least try and support her to do that even though it hurts me emotionally to do so. 

Whilst im not sure all of these details are relevant emotionally thats where im at at the moment. I have these support structures in place i believe I could do without however I have been the one person to stick around in some of these peoples lives (perhaps for my own gain) and now they turn to me for support, they have told me that whilst now their lives are difficult they can cope with them as they can fall back on me, I am saying this as whilst i want to become independant of them i do not consider cutting them off an option I would feel the guilt for the rest of my life. I also feel that whilst i have leaned on them for a long time I owe them this in return no matter the consequence on my emotions however this also ties my emotions heavily on these relationships which is as i said something i hope to move away from in order to become more self reliable because as i understand it this is the way to becoming the man i want to be.

I tried to form my thoughts into a clear question however i do not feel I have done that haha my mind is in full on monkey mode if there is a video that can help me with this i might not have seen that would be really helpful.

I guess what I am trying to say is this - how can i become more independant when i am currently heavily involved in the lives of others which is having a heavy impact on my current emotional state. Is there a way to distance myself from these emotions without distancing myself from the people as I feel as though I need to be there for them and how well I do that is important to me. 

[Saarah]

There is this idea that I hear a lot that I really like in personal development on living life to the fullest while at the same time being detached

This is something I too would really love to understand and feel at a deeper level because sometimes I do get quite attached to things even If I don't show it on the outside.

You first talk about being heavily involved in the lives of others, and while I also agree that you should not cut them off, I think you should space out your interactions with them, keep it regular such as once a week (I don't know entirely how you meet and talk etc.) because in that way you're showing commitment to keeping them in your lives while at the same time not having them in your way all the time. If you text such people, just maybe set a specific time of the day when you do that. Whenever your friends will have any issues that they rely on you for, you then may have the energy to spend an extra bit of time with them to help them, but then let them know where your help has ended and where they must begin to help themselves.

As for the emotional part, with them heavily influencing you, the first thing of spacing out your time with them, this may help give you breathing space. Secondly, you still want to be involved with them as we mentioned but just detached, but if you want to do this remember that emotions will always be involved, it's a part of life. I think therefore, it's important to acknowledge these emotions and allow yourself to feel them, always look inside to your emotions and look upon them with wonder, and see them as beautiful like the comings and goings of the seasons as Alan Watts says. Leo's video on strong negative emotions hints at this idea of reducing resistance to your emotions, and this can apply to all emotions, especially when you're resisting them. To live means to feel. It only becomes a burden when you avoid or resist them, then they become difficult to deal with. So you may find it easier not to resist.

I'm trying to deal with this idea too of being independent and not having people impact my emotions so heavily, so I hope these ideas helped that I've been ruminating on, I hope the discussion continues because I still need to learn a lot more about this  

[Mooders]

10 minutes ago, Saarah said:

There is this idea that I hear a lot that I really like in personal development on living life to the fullest while at the same time being detached

This is something I too would really love to understand and feel at a deeper level because sometimes I do get quite attached to things even If I don't show it on the outside.

You first talk about being heavily involved in the lives of others, and while I also agree that you should not cut them off, I think you should space out your interactions with them, keep it regular such as once a week (I don't know entirely how you meet and talk etc.) because in that way you're showing commitment to keeping them in your lives while at the same time not having them in your way all the time. If you text such people, just maybe set a specific time of the day when you do that. Whenever your friends will have any issues that they rely on you for, you then may have the energy to spend an extra bit of time with them to help them, but then let them know where your help has ended and where they must begin to help themselves.

As for the emotional part, with them heavily influencing you, the first thing of spacing out your time with them, this may help give you breathing space. Secondly, you still want to be involved with them as we mentioned but just detached, but if you want to do this remember that emotions will always be involved, it's a part of life. I think therefore, it's important to acknowledge these emotions and allow yourself to feel them, always look inside to your emotions and look upon them with wonder, and see them as beautiful like the comings and goings of the seasons as Alan Watts says. Leo's video on strong negative emotions hints at this idea of reducing resistance to your emotions, and this can apply to all emotions, especially when you're resisting them. To live means to feel. It only becomes a burden when you avoid or resist them, then they become difficult to deal with. So you may find it easier not to resist.

I'm trying to deal with this idea too of being independent and not having people impact my emotions so heavily, so I hope these ideas helped that I've been ruminating on, I hope the discussion continues because I still need to learn a lot more about this  

Thank you for the advice, I think that having moved away from them at uni has caused me to somewhat panic and begin talking to them perhaps more than when i lived nearby them haha, but the spacing out interaction is a good idea and i think living away will give me the oppurtunity to do so so i think i will definitely give this a go allthough it will be tough as they will often come to me for advice throughout the week

EDIT: when i say they come to me for advice it is through messaging such as facebook, whatsapp etc or a phonecall if they are in trouble or particularly broken up

Edited February 9, 2016 by Mooders