Is using rationality to make myself feel better toxic?

[FortisFortunaAdiuvat]

The other day a person I know pretty well deeply attacked me on a personal level. In the very moment it happened, I tried to instantly detach from it to not make the situation worse than it has to be.

We both left the situation and I still had this feeling of disturbance inside of me because I wasn't able to fully let go of it. So I thought about it from both perspectives to somehow rationalize it away and came to the conclusion that it was his narrow-mindedness and judgmental behaviour that made it get out of control. Knowing this doesn't mean I am not trying to take full responsibility for what happened but it still makes me feel better.

I find myself doing this a lot when I am not able to emotionally let go of something. Like my rationality is always the backup system to get rid of the last bits of baggage the detachment tool/skill wasn't able to get.

I don't know how to feel about this. What I am doing is somehow toxic, isn't it?

 

(When I clearly see that I am the troublemaker, I try to put it right)

[seeking_brilliance]

You reflected, and yes a conclusion was drawn.  I would say this is a very natural thing to do. To resist this reflection would be toxic, imo. Also it was also healthy to try and see both sides. Obviously this takes a bit of imagination but  the entire fight exists in imagination, so fight fire with fire, right? (human animals do not hate each other, thoughts do.) 

Perhaps some would say the rationalising part of your reflection may have been too much or 'too egoic' , but I bet you'll reflect on this for days or weeks to come. That first conclusion may not be the last.  An evolutionary process happens, and the lesson learned may present itself. You don't have to be at fault to take away something. And yes, any take away or meaning is imaginary, but again, fight fire with fire, right? I wouldn't be so gung ho on detaching from difficult situations because you may miss these (not so) subtle lessons. All goes toward experience, though no one's really counting. 

 

 

[Martin123]

@FortisFortunaAdiuvat you’re right.

 

Rationalization is a childhood coping strategy. The way it is adapted is by child seeing how bad it feels around it’s parents and how neglected and abandoned it gets, and to cope with the pain it starts rationalising why it is right that this had happened to them, they deserve the treatment they are receiving, and their parents are perfect who are doing everything right, therefore they ‘rationalize’ all misdeeds as if those were the right things to do.

 

its a way of using the mind to emotionally manipulate yourself.

the way out of this is admitting how deeply in pain you are and feel, and allowing yourself to feel through the complete powerlessness of it. Rationalising is merely there to avoid the feeling of helplessness. To make it somehow ‘right’, instead of cruel, unjust and unfair.

 

the next step is to look at your childhood family dynamic and stop rationalising that, and confront all the toxic, emotionally neglectful and manipulative tendencies you’ve experienced and were ultimately traumatised by into somewhat disregarding and dismissing your emotions. Once you no longer dismiss your feelings through your mind, you become different then the past that had damaged you, and you allow healing to take place. We feel our way through the healing, and never think our way into or out of anything.