Getting my mother to let go of the mother role

[paradiseengineering]

Hi!

I am a 25 year old male raised as the only child of a single mother. 

Our relationship seriously messes up my well being. We talk on the phone 2 times a week and after every conversation i feel so drained and anxious. We are very different personalities and she is constantly worrying about me. She is constantly asking me to come home and to see her more. She pretty much never had a boyfriend since i was born and she has almost no friends. She says that I am everything to her and our phone conversations is the peek moments in her week, wich makes me feel really bad and pressured since I am then responsable for her well being. 

I want to have a good relationship with her as an adult and I want to set boundaries. Telling her to let go of the mother role seems too abstract and hard for her since it´s basically her identity. 

What is the best way to go about this? Thanks for reading

[Recursoinominado]

If the person is too unconscious, this means she has almost zero self-awareness and self-reflection, nothing you can do about it, just her karma.

99% of chance that not only this situation won't get better but it will probably get even worse with time. I have a few of those in my own family and after years of suffering, i finally cut them off my life and that was the best decision i ever made. Ideally, you can do this with no resentment and truly loving them from afar but every moment you spent with her, you will have everything good suck out of you, that's the nature of toxic people, they are like black holes, sucking everything and giving nothing back (only if they see the possibility to get even more from you).

You don't have to hate them, just be aware that this is the case and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Think this way: do you really think that getting drained by your mother is helping her in any shape or form? Don't you see that the problem is way deeper than it seem? No matter how much you give, it will never be enough, it is a hole that only her can fill. 

[Shiva99]

16 hours ago, paradiseengineering said:

Hi!

I am a 25 year old male raised as the only child of a single mother. 

Our relationship seriously messes up my well being. We talk on the phone 2 times a week and after every conversation i feel so drained and anxious. We are very different personalities and she is constantly worrying about me. She is constantly asking me to come home and to see her more. She pretty much never had a boyfriend since i was born and she has almost no friends. She says that I am everything to her and our phone conversations is the peek moments in her week, wich makes me feel really bad and pressured since I am then responsable for her well being. 

I want to have a good relationship with her as an adult and I want to set boundaries. Telling her to let go of the mother role seems too abstract and hard for her since it´s basically her identity. 

What is the best way to go about this? Thanks for reading

Hi, 

I've been in the exact same situation. It's a very bad thing when a mother builds almost her whole identity around the upbringing of her child. Obviously it's normal to an extend, but as i understand here, it is a pretty toxic "relationship" you are having right now. What you have to do is set clear boundaries, tell her she has to respect them, and also tell her what happens when she doesn't. She needs to learn that you are not her property. The guilt you are feeling, being responsible for her happiness is a big red flag. You are NOT responsible for her happiness. She is. 

Jordan Peterson has a very good video on this topic.

 

[paradiseengineering]

16 hours ago, Recursoinominado said:

If the person is too unconscious, this means she has almost zero self-awareness and self-reflection, nothing you can do about it, just her karma.

99% of chance that not only this situation won't get better but it will probably get even worse with time. I have a few of those in my own family and after years of suffering, i finally cut them off my life and that was the best decision i ever made. Ideally, you can do this with no resentment and truly loving them from afar but every moment you spent with her, you will have everything good suck out of you, that's the nature of toxic people, they are like black holes, sucking everything and giving nothing back (only if they see the possibility to get even more from you).

You don't have to hate them, just be aware that this is the case and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Think this way: do you really think that getting drained by your mother is helping her in any shape or form? Don't you see that the problem is way deeper than it seem? No matter how much you give, it will never be enough, it is a hole that only her can fill. 

Thanks! Yeah I have thought about that!

I am a very empatic person and doing this seems so difficult for me tho. At first at least I want to set clear boundaries and tell her more honestly how I feel. Im sure she wants to change her attitude in order for me to not completely dissapear. It might be easier said than done tho, its hard to change theese patterns if you lack the self-awareness, but I still want to give her a chance or ultimatum.

[paradiseengineering]

3 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

Hi, 

I've been in the exact same situation. It's a very bad thing when a mother builds almost her whole identity around the upbringing of her child. Obviously it's normal to an extend, but as i understand here, it is a pretty toxic "relationship" you are having right now. What you have to do is set clear boundaries, tell her she has to respect them, and also tell her what happens when she doesn't. She needs to learn that you are not her property. The guilt you are feeling, being responsible for her happiness is a big red flag. You are NOT responsible for her happiness. She is. 

Jordan Peterson has a very good video on this topic.

 

Thank you so much for this post! I agree 100% with you.

[Recursoinominado]

1 hour ago, paradiseengineering said:

Im sure she wants to change her attitude in order for me to not completely dissapear. It might be easier said than done tho, its hard to change theese patterns if you lack the self-awareness, but I still want to give her a chance or ultimatum.

99% that she won't change in this lifetime.

1% that she will change IF she realizes that she WON'T get what she wants by acting the way she does, then she will, maybe, be open to change. Not necessarily to a less toxic version (could be, but not always), sometimes people gets even nastier to get what they want. I have seen this pattern play out in my own family over and over again. I have seen people transform themselves in a matter of seconds to get what they want, it is actually shocking to see that all that time she was acting out a character and when it didn't suited her anymore, she dropped like a hot potato. 

[Martin123]

On 9/22/2020 at 0:28 AM, paradiseengineering said:

I want to have a good relationship with her as an adult and I want to set boundaries. Telling her to let go of the mother role seems too abstract and hard for her since it´s basically her identity. 

Hey Paradise!

When setting boundaries there is only one rule, make sure you're making it about what you feel and need, and not necessarily about trying to change the other person.

An example of a boundary for your situation would be 'Dear mom, my entire life I have felt like a substitution for a man who would fulfill your emotional needs, in this way you made me take on the role of your caretaker and 'pretend partner', that I am absolutely not comfortable with, and thus I am setting this boundary with you. Please allow me to have a life independent of your influence, as a way of repairing the damage I have experienced in our relationship. Thank you. Goodbye!'

[Martin123]

@paradiseengineering Here's something extra to allow yourself to heal from this dynamic.