What Does Passion Really Feel Like?

[crimson_chess]

Hey all~ 

There are some questions that have been plaguing me about LP over the past months that I want to ask the forum:

 

If I have a Life Purpose that I find meaningful but have no motivation to achieve, is that 'passion'?

Alternatively, if I find a lot of joy in something that I don't really find meaningful, is that 'passion'?

 

I hear a lot of contradicting, generic advice about LP: 

'Follow what makes you happy' and 'Follow what you find meaningful/Follow the impact you want to make,' etc. 

What if these things contradict each other? 

What if you see more of one quality in one possible LP and more of another quality in another LP??

 

It sounds like such a silly thing to get hung up over but it's really been an obsessive thought on my mind recently: 

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Story:

(Joy without Meaning)

I grew up in an environment with people that played chess, and I've always enjoyed it a lot. Not just playing it, but studying it, dedicating time to practice tactics/strategies, and I see a lot of beauty in the clash of mental skill/acuity between two players. I find the infinite possibility combined with each player's will to win from their (almost) equal starting positions to be fascinating. 

A lot of it has just been competition + desire to win, though. I've always been a super competitive spirit, and I went through a phase in my life where I was really committed to getting better. It's more than just a side hobby to me, more than something I just do for fun. I found a lot of excitement in cultivating skill/unique strategies/playstyle. It was something really important to me, and honestly, it still kind of is. I have a lot of detailed, high-quality chess books (yes, a lot of them actually exist) I got from my parents when I was younger, which I used to pore through late at night. I'm competitive in the sense that I could spend hours upon hours reading strategy and practicing tactics, way more than I could do with other forms of work. In other words, life actually feels meaningful/purposeful to me now because I have goals for improvement and such, but I don't feel like there is some greater meaning beyond just playing. I don't really see how I can help people/be a positive force on the world through this, compared to doing something like art. When it comes to competition, my urge to get better and learn more about the craft just wakes me up in the morning. I find the deep strategy to be really fascinating and I follow professional chess leagues from time to time. I'm a pretty decent player, and because of the time I've invested in it, I'm better than almost everyone that I know. 

Playing chess lights a spark of joy in me. If I were to follow the advice 'Follow your joy,' This is probably what I'd gravitate to the most. 

//

However, my rational mind says this is a pretty stupid idea to pursue. You can't make any money from playing chess unless you're top 1000, or a Grandmaster. Grandmaster rank takes like twenty years to achieve if I were to start working really, really hard today (and I don't have a trainer). My mind also tells me that since this is more competition than creation, it's not a valid life purpose. The only path here for me would probably be to teach chess, which isn't something I really want to dedicate my life to, especially because I don't see that much meaning in it. 

//

 

(Meaning without Joy)

I'm pretty good at drawing/sketching, making characters and such. I've been drawing for like four years+, and I feel like if I wanted to, I could become a professional in the field and just kinda go from there. I'm pretty decent, and if I devoted myself to the craft a lot, this is a path I could see myself going down. I already kind of know a pretty specific niche that I could go into, and it wouldn't be that bad of a life. I think I could express myself pretty well through art. 

I see meaning in this, but I really don't enjoy it. To be blunt, I hate the process of drawing. Drawing isn't very fun/joyful/anything for me. I just feel so bored when I draw, it feels like a chore, even when I work on my vision. Still, I see how I could create meaningful work that could help people. 

 

I see this one as my 'legit' life purpose. I really hate the work, and it's never been much fun. I would like to be a better artist, for whatever reason, and I have ambitions to create something with my art. Yet, it just all-around sucks to draw. My drawings feel not joyful and not very fulfilling either. 

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I find myself at this same crossroads again that I've found myself at so many times in the past. 'Do I want to sacrifice my fulfillment or meaning?' is what I often ask myself

I usually go in one direction and then, with the chess path, it's like 'I love this, but what am I thinking? this can't work because it's not legit, and I don't know where the meaning is? How will I pay the bills when I'm older? How is this gonna work out?'

And then with the drawing path, it's like 'I see meaning, so I just gotta keep grinding although I really hate this.'

 

I won't disclose my age, but I'm still pretty young. So, yes, I still have time, but at the same time, it hurts not knowing. I see Life Purpose as so important and so much other stuff is secondary to this. It's miserable every day just not knowing where to go and what to do.

 

DM me for more info if you're interested. Or we can just talk about this stuff, I don't mind.

 

 

In short: What if the thing that makes you feel alive is what you don't see meaning in? And what if the thing you see meaning in is a vision that can't even get you out of bed in the morning?

 

 

Thank you. 

Edited September 21, 2020 by crimson_chess

[Yarco]

For me, it's like desire. You feel pulled to do something. That in itself is meaning. You are the one that creates the meaning for yourself!

You are listening to judgements from society saying that being a chess player will never provide an income for you and that it's not practical. That doesn't mean that it doesn't have a strong sense of meaning for you.

You are thinking about it too narrow-mindedly. There are more ways to be a great chess player besides just competing in tournaments.

I typed "chess strategies" into Youtube and the first result is a channel with 683,000 SUBSCRIBERS!!!! You don't think you could get a sense of meaning and passion from conveying your love of chess to others and teaching them the game that you love? That guy is absolutely living his life purpose through chess.

[Thestarguitarist14]

For me it is all about what makes me feel alive.  I have this quote that I found in the anime Gunslinger Girl that was taken from an opera, I live for art, I live for love.  When I am making and playing music, writing a novel or screenplay, or acting or directing a film, I feel so alive, so present in the moment.  That’s freedom for me.

[FortisFortunaAdiuvat]

I am also in the process of finding my life purpose and made the painful realization that hobbies/leisure activities you are passionate about don't necessarily make a good life purpose because there's potentially a lot of risks involved. About 8 years ago I really liked the idea of being/becoming a professional gamer but never worked towards it for many reasons. Whether or not I could have made it, I will never find out.

On 22.9.2020 at 0:16 AM, crimson_chess said:

I find myself at this same crossroads again that I've found myself at so many times in the past. 'Do I want to sacrifice my fulfillment or meaning?' is what I often ask myself

You don't have to sacrifice anything, it's entirely possible to find something that makes you feel fulfilment and meaning at the same time. It's just that most people out there don't have this which could make it seem like an impossible thing to achieve. As you go through life you will be able to narrow it down. Maybe you learn that you dislike sports, working inside or for other people and those are valuable pieces of information.

[alexsandro22]

Idk what is passion for you, but for me it's something I can refuse anyway..

[B222]

Feel like the way you describe your passion for chess is definitely worth pursuing. Teaching chess, as someone mentioned, I'm sure is a good route to go and it's not just teaching. It's helping people learn to think better and a chance to build leadership skills etc. 

I think passion comes through genuine curiosity that lights you up every time you think of it and time flies with every engagement. This is what I feel coming through when you speak about chess. Go for it imo