Not sure how I feel or am I in love

[Barbella]

Hey, I'm a 21 year old girl, and I have been dating this guy for more than 3 months now. I haven't been in a serious relationship before, and I have never been in love before. My problem is that I'm not sure if I am now. This guy is great, he is kind and has everything I would want in a guy, but the problem is, I think I don't have feelings for him.  I'm not dying to see him when we don't see each other for a while. I don't know if I should just ignore this, and see how things would continue, or should I be honest and break up with him. Because he is madly in love with me and I don't think it's fair to him. I don't know whether I'm just not the person who would fall in love so fast, or he is just not the one. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Barbella

[Recursoinominado]

This is a classic case of "he is nice but don't make me tingle".

Seems like you don't know what you really like in a man and bought up the bullshit society told you should like in a man.

"Attraction is non-negotiable." This is a old pick up / red pill community term, it basically means that you can't fight with what makes you attracted or not, doesn't matter is he is text book perfect but, in the end, doesn't make you wet to see him.

Tough spot to be in, must admit. I also hate to break someone's heart but, as you said, he is madly in love and you are not nor will you. Trust me, is not you that needs "time", he is just not the right guy. When you find the right one, it will be all you think about, will be like a obsessive thought, could happen pretty fast.

Maybe you should have "the talk" with him and end things, he will be crushed but is for the good of everyone involved.

[Username]

You are not.

[Thestarguitarist14]

1 hour ago, Barbella said:

Hey, I'm a 21 year old girl, and I have been dating this guy for more than 3 months now. I haven't been in a serious relationship before, and I have never been in love before. My problem is that I'm not sure if I am now. This guy is great, he is kind and has everything I would want in a guy, but the problem is, I think I don't have feelings for him.  I'm not dying to see him when we don't see each other for a while. I don't know if I should just ignore this, and see how things would continue, or should I be honest and break up with him. Because he is madly in love with me and I don't think it's fair to him. I don't know whether I'm just not the person who would fall in love so fast, or he is just not the one. 

Ask yourself “why am I dating a guy that I do not have feelings for?”  Have you had sex with him?  Perhaps you can develop feelings for him.  But three months is a longtime.  Most women in Los Angeles write guys off after one date.

[Barbella]

6 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

Ask yourself “why am I dating a guy that I do not have feelings for?”  Have you had sex with him?  Perhaps you can develop feelings for him.  But three months is a longtime.  Most women in Los Angeles write guys off after one date.

I don't know honestly. I'm hoping to develop feelings but I guess that's not how it works.

Yes. He's actually my first time. My stupid ass thought that would make me feel more connected, but it didn't. I don't regret it though, he's a great dude.

Our first date was my best so far, I thought he was brilliant but after some time I realized that I don't miss him when I don't see him, and his affection started to annoy me.

 

1 hour ago, Recursoinominado said:

This is a classic case of "he is nice but don't make me tingle".

Seems like you don't know what you really like in a man and bought up the bullshit society told you should like in a man.

"Attraction is non-negotiable." This is a old pick up / red pill community term, it basically means that you can't fight with what makes you attracted or not, doesn't matter is he is text book perfect but, in the end, doesn't make you wet to see him.

Tough spot to be in, must admit. I also hate to break someone's heart but, as you said, he is madly in love and you are not nor will you. Trust me, is not you that needs "time", he is just not the right guy. When you find the right one, it will be all you think about, will be like a obsessive thought, could happen pretty fast.

Maybe you should have "the talk" with him and end things, he will be crushed but is for the good of everyone involved.

Thanks! That's what I needed to hear.

 

23 minutes ago, Username said:

You are not.

Thank you for your opinion.

[Roy]

It will hurt him, and probably you as well. It will also take strength, but it would be best if you cut it off. The longer it goes, the harder it will be not just for you to do it as your lives intertwine more, but for him to accept it and move on from it. If you're this unsure, judging from your language it's not meant to be.

That's ok! Just thank him for the great 3 months, reaffirm that he's a great guy. It's just not working out and not where your heart is. That's all you have to say.

[Thestarguitarist14]

1 hour ago, Barbella said:

I don't know honestly. I'm hoping to develop feelings but I guess that's not how it works.

Yes. He's actually my first time. My stupid ass thought that would make me feel more connected, but it didn't. I don't regret it though, he's a great dude.

Our first date was my best so far, I thought he was brilliant but after some time I realized that I don't miss him when I don't see him, and his affection started to annoy me.

You sounds like a very nice woman who means well.  
 

I have to say, you have given this guy ample opportunity and he is not doing it for you.  If you truly do not see yourself being happy with him, it is either time to tell him the truth or  to let him down easy.  It depends on if you believe that the problem is you are him.

 

You can work on this.  All it takes is two willing partners and communication.  

Edited September 20, 2020 by Thestarguitarist14

[electroBeam]

2 hours ago, Barbella said:

This guy is great, he is kind and has everything I would want in a guy, but the problem is, I think I don't have feelings for him.

Its beautiful to see such care and empathy in another being, like what you're showing. 

2 hours ago, Barbella said:

Because he is madly in love with me and I don't think it's fair to him. I don't know whether I'm just not the person who would fall in love so fast, or he is just not the one. 

I understand that its really really really tough to break someone's heart. And if I was in your position, I would typing on here for an answer too lol. 

When you're in the position you're in, its easy to feel like all the suffering is coming from hurting the other person. But there's more going on here then that. If you break up with him, what does that say about you? Are you a good person? Bad person? A mean person? A jerk?

Are you worried at all about how breaking up with him is going to hurt your self image? Who you think yourself to be?

You may be carrying deep trauma or pain in your body from the need to try and preserve the image of yourself that you're trying to uphold, and such an image may break down, or release if you break up with this guy. 

Every loss, every single loss, is scary, uncomfortable, sometimes depressing, sometimes horrible, but every single loss is ALWAYS an opportunity to grow, to become a better person, more of the person you want to be, and most powerfully, to release that painful trauma that you're carrying in your system.

I would think about how much both you and your boyfriend will grow, how much trauma will be released, in the long run, from breaking up with him when considering what you should do. 

[hamedsf]

break up before things get juicy 

Edited September 21, 2020 by hamedsf

[flume]

@Barbella Yes, we’ll go through this until we have the courage to listen to our heart right away without doubting it and learn that that’s the most loving option for everyone. You already know what to do. And you'll grow from it, just be compassionate with yourself  You deserve a man you’re crazy about