Help! Incredibly difficult pregnancy dilemma

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

Hey Guys!

I really long for a high-consciousness persective on my situation. I have heard many different things but no one really is brave enough or feels capable of having a strong opinion regarding it or one of the aspects. I'd be so grateful for every kind of advice and opinion. Thank you already for your effort. I don’t really know where to start. I will just try to open up as deeply about everything as possible an tell you the whole story, even though it might be quite detailed.

Right now, I’m confused and very scared. My girlfriend is pregnant, in Peru, and will deliver in less than a month. After fighting via the embassy for weeks, I’ll probably have to possibility to be there and enter the country despite of closed boarders in about a week.

Nonetheless, I’m really scared. I’m scared that it will be an irreversible mistake to be present in raising my daughter and here’s why:

At first, I will have to explain the history of our relationship. We met in Peru when I lived there. We met right at the end of my stay there, spent some beautiful time together for about two weeks. She was 18 at the time, I was 20. To be really forthcoming, this experience opened me up a lot. Until then I was so scared of intimacy that I could only have sex OR be intimate with someone. When I really liked someone, I could not maintain an erection out of fear of being that naked (no pun intended). With her it was different. I felt I could open up completely sexually while fully being myself. It was so very liberating.

I then had to go home to finally start Uni. Leaving her was painful, as I felt true sexual intimacy for the first time in my life to that extent. She said she would go to Europe too. Even though, I physically did not feel super-attracted to her and could clearly see that she had some serious psychological issues, I deeply liked her and the craziness of the whole idea. Seeing the pain and yearning in her eyes and really wanting to give life a chance to unfold, I could not say no, even though I did not think it was a totally healthy decision. I told her; I will be able to wait 2 months, she said I would just have to wait a little bit.

Being in Germany again at my mom’s house, I missed her a lot and felt so bad for her pain. She was already indirectly suggesting that she needed money, without being really sincere about it. I knew it was crazy, but I just did not want to destroy her dream and wanted to see her again. So, I lent her the money for her flights and her stay. She stayed for 3 months and it was beautiful but also difficult. She had told me, her English wasn’t that bad, but it was inexistent. She had told me, she’s got a plan B in case we don’t work out, but she did not have ANY money and did not have contact to her extended family in Germany. She was extremely irresponsible, not taking care of herself, asking me to have sex without contraception all the time. I thought, this girl is a ticking time bomb but still, I was so much in love with her.

Her psychological issues were horrible. Only in Germany she told me, she had had an abortion a couple months ago, after exiting a very abusive relationship, which explained a lot. I spent more time caring for her, than being her boyfriend.

Then, when she finally flew back home, I already had the intuition of leaving her, but she was suffering so much, I could not do it. I asked myself: What’s the worst thing that can happen if you care for her a little longer? She really needs you. Thinking I could only grow with the experience, not ever thinking that I could actually harm myself.

This was November 2018. She was trying to figure out a way to return to Europe and started working. I knew, I’m not fully happy in this relationship. Physically, I did not find her attractive enough to be in that sort of relationship, my attraction was always more than anything emotional. Besides that, I knew she did not have the same educational and financial opportunities and she was clearly harming me psychologically, although I could not see that. She was suffering so intensely and there was NOBODY of her family that could support her or really did try. She called me every day for hours, discharging all the misery and depression into the telephone. I thought it’s my duty to listen to all of it, even though it was so incredibly hard to handle, as there was no one else there to help and it wasn’t her fault how she felt. Even though I begged her for it, she did not see a Psychologist. In February she told me she feels suicidal, so the only option I had was to drop out of my whole semester at Uni, leave everything and go to Peru. We went to a little village in the mountains where I had some friends and stayed there. Slowly she was getting a little better and I was realizing that I’m really not happy in this relationship. I’m giving so much and getting so little in return. (At the time I thought; I’m being egotistical for feeling that way) I was realizing, I do not have to stay with someone, when I could be with someone that attracts me a lot more a does not make me suffer in all these ways. But I also knew; when I go, nobody will be there. I flew back to Austria where I lived by then, and I felt I had to end it, not totally clear though. On top of everything, she was still rejecting my begging to use ANY method of contraception apart from condoms, as they do break sometimes, and we had already done our second test of pregnancy for that reason. I told her; I will pay all of it myself. She denied more than once.

She finally started psychotherapy and slowly started getting better. She had the plan to come to Vienna as an Au-Pair, so she worked at a hostel for saving money and took German classes. Nonetheless, I had to lend her the money for all of it. Her abusive family was not helping her at all. I felt so trapped in this relationship. She was so dependent on me – psychologically and even financially – even though I told her clearly since the beginning; I do not want this. Apart from that, I still loved her a lot and felt really sorry for her. At the time I was reading “Sex at Dawn” by Dr. Ryan, a book about non-monogamous ways of relating and I resonated so deeply with it. Despite of all the suffering that came into my life with her, I did feel open to have an intimate and romantic relationship, I just didn’t want to feel trapped anymore and be able to relate to other people more easy-going and compatible with my own necessities. We had already talked about it a lot and in about March I decided; I want to live like that. I waited for her decision patiently and she told me she wanted to try it, too. I let her go out with someone first and it really felt right for me. She had a beautiful experience, it was all very trustful, so there was no jealousy on my part, I even enjoy watching us grow with that level of trust and freedom. We developed a written “contract”, exactly setting our boundaries. The most important rule was, to always communicate with whom we want to have which experience and what our sincere intention is with that person before anything happens, so the other partner could choose to say no, in case he or she did not feel comfortable with it. When I started going out with someone, she went into a horrible phase of jealously and hurt, reacting totally chaotic, even though she had told me, she had educated herself about that way of relating and was willing and ready to live it. I felt miserable and guilty. I stopped going out with people, despite of it feeling really right for me, because I did not want to hurt her in that way. About the same time, I think, she told me she wanted to have a threesome with a non-monogamous couple that was staying at the hostel. It was my biggest fantasy and she knew I would like to try it with HER for the first time. After contemplating it, I said yes despite of that, thinking we could learn from this more experienced poly-couple and it would perhaps make our own experience better. The next day I asked her about the experience. She told me, she had slept with the same girl but a totally different guy that worked at the hostel, deciding it would not matter. My heart was broken so horribly. She had shared my dream with some random people, not telling me about the person OR the intention, not giving me any possibility say no. I could not trust her. Shortly after this, I was so sure I have to finally end this misery. I was suffering so much. She needed money all the time, was giving me false dates in terms of how much more time I would have to wait. After I finally broke up with her, she exploded in suffering and crying so badly, telling me I can’t do this to her, she doesn’t deserve it, when I leave no one will be there anymore – as I realize today, manipulating me to stay. I felt so much pity for her (and despite of all, love). I didn’t want to ruin her dream and told her; I will try it one last time. Things between us got a little better, but I still was unhappy, unable to live my own life in peace and focus on my spiritual practice and university, always having to solve her problems. I told myself after all that waiting, I will at least wait until she’s here and if it doesn’t work, break up in persona.

In August, when I was hitchhiking in Romania, she called me; telling me she’s about to kill herself over some family issue. I spent one hour or more convincing her not to do it, her having a lethal poisonous cocktail in reach of her hands. I felt so helpless, so trapped, so powerless. I really did not want to have her in my life anymore, but her life was in my hands. She decided not to kill herself at the moment I told her “Vámonos juntos!” and she responded with the same phrase, which means “Let’s go together!”. I could not leave her anymore, without potentially killing myself. I had literarily saved her life, saying I’ll be there for her. I had to keep my promise for some time at least.

In October I was convinced there is no way I can handle it anymore, so I set myself a deadline in November. When I would still feel the same way then, I would leave her despite of all the suffering she was going through. At this point I was already so used to the suffering that it was hard to see its severity.

A couple days before the deadline ended, and a couple after her birthday she called me again, telling me; she had been raped by a taxi driver that on top stole her credit card and emptied her bank account of the savings for flights etc.

For all that, I could not leave her like that. Who could have? I told my parents, they supported me financially regarding the travel, and I dropped out of my semester again, to be there physically for her at least. That’s all I could do for her.

But that time she was already working with a very good psychologist, which helped a lot. It was an, obviously, very challenging time, but despite all of it, there was a certain beauty in the extremes of the situation. It was incredibly intimate.

However, there was no question anymore, I had to get away from this relationship. I wanted to say goodbye in persona, but her psychologist told me, I should wait until I was in Vienna again. So that’s what I did.

One or two weeks passed, I was studying all day and taking some exams I still could take. I sat in my room in Germany, painting, when she called me to tell me that she’s pregnant. A condom had broken again.

I broke. This was the first day after all this time, I could not keep up my meditation practice. An intense journey of trying to figure out everything at once set off that was so dense, that I will give you bullet points:

-       We realized we have to consider not carrying the baby to term under these circumstances and set a deadline to decide

-       I opened up about wanting to leave and my unhappiness in the relationship

-       I finally accepted that I really did think and feel it would be, mainly responsibility-wise, unbearable to really have the child

-       She decided she will have it, despite of me

-       An extremely challenging conflict between us broke out. It took us about 4 months on-off to resolve it

-       I did not want to lose all my dreams, plans or spend my life with her

o   Traveling is the most soulful activity I know. I wanted to travel the world, experience different cultures and forms of spirituality. My whole carrier-path as an Anthropologist was set to enable me to do this for a living, while giving back to the world

o   Artistic projects, Snowboarding and relating sexually are the second most soulful things I experienced in my life. I will objectively loose the most part of all of it, raising a child under these circumstances, for time and money reasons, and also:

o   I need to get a vasectomy. If this can happen once it can happen twice and me and my first child will have a huge problem. I will never be able to have a family with someone I really want to or not to have one ever.

o   During all of this time I went through a strong spiritual process simultaneously and I knew I had to realize myself eventually. I thought I will spend at least a year in a Buddhist monastery as soon as possible. Not doing this felt like denying my upper-world purpose of waking up.

o   I was so scared of her and partly still am. I don’t want her to bring anymore misery in my life.

o   I never wanted children in the first place, at all. Especially not with her, especially not with 22 years, in this situation and before having woken up or embodying my purpose.

-       Only after 4 or 5 months she told me I could leave. That she had not decided to have the child for or against me, but because it was her deepest truth. That is something I can relate to and deeply respect, even though it would not have been my decision. But it was too late. I had already told my family and friends and slowly and taken it on as my fate a lot more.

-       It took me about half a year and two meditation retreats to really get out of shock and only very recently I started thinking more clearly, without all the guilt, shame, blaming, anger and fear.

And being really sincere, I have to accept the will of the little “me” is that, if I could, I did not want to see her again or have children ever. I’d like to concentrate fully on my spiritual practice and express spirit it through my passions and carrier.

On the other hand, I do feel very responsible for and love my child. Regardless of using contraception, regardless of the reason for my travel, regardless of everything I’ve been through trying to better her life, if I would not have slept with that woman, this child would not exist. That’s just the way it is.

Her and I both have grown incredibly during these past 8 months, because we had to. Our relationship is more mature and closer than ever, and we have a very loving and respectful communication and mutual support by now. Regarding the nature of our relationship, we have planned to rent an apartment in Peru together, but will quickly act on our plan for doing it separately, if there is any sense of conflict. Our long-term plan is for me to come to Peru half the year for the next three years until she finishes her degree as a physiotherapist and then her moving to Vienna. (The latter could be very difficult for financial reasons and both of us being foreigners and not married.)

The reason I’m taking the purpose course is my intuition that life, in taking all my dreams and plans away all at once, it is telling me not to play ANY games anymore. I have to come to terms with my responsibility of waking up and expressing it uncompromisingly through the limited means of my individual self.

The resistance I’m working on right now is specifically fear. I’ve mainly got two voices in me: One, telling me: Life is giving you a gift. Receive it! Take on all the struggle and risk, let go all of your dreams and let life decide where to take you! You’ve made that little human, care for her. She has grown incredibly; it’s all going to work out. The other one is screaming: Run! Run, as long as you still can! Your life will be so much more pleasant and powerful in giving to the world and you happier! Her presence is too dangerous.

 

So even though I feel love for my daughter that I’ve never felt before and I’m quite sure it will potentially be able to dissolve a lot of resistance, I don’t want to be stupid and let go everything out of hubris. As the flight is almost there, I’m so scared that I will go to Peru and realize it was a mistake. I don’t want to be a dead-beat dad. Once I got to know my daughter, I can’t ever leave her, and I know that so deeply.

Even after letting go of all my passions… What if I find my Soul Purpose is not compatible with really being there for my daughter? I’m open to other constellations of parenting but don’t want to half-heartedly parent, but if so, give myself completely to its mystery.

 

I know it’s impossible to comprehend such a situation from the outside and it is fortunately not common.

Be that as it may, perhaps you can empathize, the only thing that's left is completly figuring out my life purpose.

After all, that’s what I’m here for. That’s the one thing I owe the world, that’s the one thing I owe my daughter.

 

In case you can realte to any of the aspects of this story, I'd so much appreciate healthy advice or listen to similar experiecnes, if you had any!

Thank you so much!

[Preety_India]

 

This was a bit scary to read. I think you guys were very irresponsible throughout the relationship. Safe sex is a huge imperative in a relationship and considering that you both are adults, I just can't imagine how you guys were so flippant about it without considering the consequences at all. Did you get the question in your mind after sex "what if she gets pregnant, would I be ready for this?" such questions are very important. Please don't have sex without precautions in the future, it's the most basic necessity in a world where a lot of children are born fatherless. And the part where she says that you shouldn't take any precaution before sex just baffles me. 

You have a great deal of responsibility here for which you are solely responsible. She is in a poor situation with no financial help and delivering a daughter soon. This is already a recipe for disaster. Both of you should have thought of this way before. 

You will need to keep your life purpose of traveling on hold right now. I understand that you are young and adventurous. But you are also a dad now. I don't think you would be comfortable in Peru for long since from the nature of your posts it seems like you just go to places for the job and for experiences but not to live there, you return back to Europe each time, I surmise this as a sign that you are more comfortable home with your family in Europe and any decision to live elsewhere will be only out of coercion. 

The best thing here is to marry her. Be in Peru. Marry her. Make it legal for the child. Do all your documents. Get your girlfriend all the documents and fly her back to your home where you live. If she is legally married to you under your European laws then she won't have to face any concerns regarding visa documents because in today's world, immigration has become an intense political issue especially in Europe, considering this, it can be very chaotic in the future for immigrants, a sudden change in European laws can immediately change everything and you might be left in a helpless spot, either you separated from your daughter or the mother separated from her if she is not allowed to be in Europe, so consider future possibilities that can arise out of political frenzy and for the sake of the safety of the child, the best thing will be to get a legal citizenship( for the mother) of your native nation through marriage. 

It's good that you have a job. You can take the financial responsibilities for your child and for her while she lives with you. It seems like she has nobody to help her except you. 

Be a dad to your child and raise your child safely in the presence of both of you. The child needs a mother and a father very much. And tell you expecting girlfriend to continue psychotherapy in Europe. This is important because her psychological condition needs to be excellent while carrying and birthing a baby. A happy Woman is necessary for a child to be born mentally healthy. 

Tell her and convince her that she need not worry about anything. Please do not argue with a pregnant woman. Any argument which leads to anxiety in her can be potentially fatal to fetal mental development of the baby inside the womb. 

Do your part as a father to the child which also involves a great deal of responsibility on your part to respect the mother and marry her and make all this legal. 

Any wrong decision on your part can be bad  for the child. 

You will need to be selfless. You are not 50 years old yet to regret anything. You have a long  life in front of you. Do not consider the kid as an obstruction to your life purpose, the kid is already going to be born during the time of pandemic in uncertain conditions, any negative cognitive dissonance on your part will only add to the layers of Insecurity confronting this child. You have many more years to develop your life purpose but do you realize that this kid needs you more than anything? 

After a certain period of time like a few years, you could easily focus back on your life purpose, it's not going or running anywhere. At least the initial first years, the child needs both parents securely protecting and raising her. 

Once the child is a few years old, you could take breaks for travel or whatever life purpose you have in mind that you want to follow. If you are married to her legally, you can easily take the child and the mother with you anywhere you decide to go for your life purpose plans. 

But right now, try not to focus only on your life purpose because this could be incredibly selfish. 

Focus on being a dad and a husband and let it sail smoothly after which you can think of other things. 

I guess that your job is not in Peru or it won't pay you much in Peru, of course not as it pays you in Europe, so the better financial situation for the kid is to be raised in Europe rather than Peru. In Europe the child will have access to best medical care and insurance and host of options for her growth 

Hope everything goes well and I hope that you take everything with great responsibility from now on. 

 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Preety_India

[Akemrelax]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. But it is of your own making, and you have been very irresponsible that is for sure. 

I think your main problem is that you are ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Why are you travelling, having a relationship with an exhausting person, working, painting, going to university, meditating, going on spiritual journeys, and going to a psychologist? Doing all this is not possible or healthy. Just being in a relationship and going to university is hard enough! Your focus is so split I don't see how you can properly do even one of these things. This tells me that you don't have a structure to your life, you seem to be going about it in ad hoc, spontaneous fashion. If you don't have a clear structure, a plan you are like a leaf in the wind. Yes, you will end up with situations like this one again and again!

You need to realize that it's not important WHAT you do, it is important HOW you do it. Don't try to find the right type of work, instead work right. Don't try to find right things to do, do things in a right way! Passion is developed. (You should check out Cal Newport's books, but only after you get some stability)

To live a great life you have to do right actions and be a right person. People who run away from things or go place to place to find meaning and happiness are never satisfied and don't live a deep life.

I think your daughter is a sign from the universe to anchor your life. Prioritize doing important things. Face discomfort. Do things that don't feel good in the moment. Trust it will yield result.

I think you're lucky in that you seem to have a supporting family back in Germany and you're a German citizen. You should marry her and raise your daughter in Germany.

I wish you all the best.

Edited September 21, 2020 by Akemrelax

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Preety_India

Did you get the question in your mind after sex "what if she gets pregnant, would I be ready for this?"

I did ask myself that question. The answer was "no". I appreciate your honesty but feel very judged. I did never have sex without contraception with her. We used condoms and they failed.

 

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

 

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Akemrelax

Your focus is so split I don't see how you can properly do even one of these things.

That's very true.

I think your daughter is a sign from the universe to anchor your life. Prioritize doing important things.

That's wonderful. I was feeling that too.

Thanks a lot for your beautiful advice!

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Thorsten Fuzzi said:

. I did never have sex without contraception with her. We used condoms and they failed.

 

Go ahead and take it as a good sign and raise your daughter in your own country. 

I hope all goes well. I wish you the best. 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Preety_India

But you need to realize the irresponsibility in a situation where you weren't sure if you wanted the woman in your life and now a child is on the way..

As I wrote, she literally got raped. Who cares about relationship stuff in such a moment. I just wanted to be there for someone I love, no matter if we're togehter or she's just a friend.

I could not leave her in such a moment.

Edited September 21, 2020 by Thorsten Fuzzi

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Thorsten Fuzzi said:

Who cares about relationship stuff in such a moment. I just wanted to be there for someone I love, no matter if we're togehter or she's just a friend

1 hour ago, Thorsten Fuzzi said:

 

Good for you to support her. I hope you continue to do that. 

Now that she is the mother of your child and not just a friend anymore 

 

Best wishes 

 

 

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Preety_India

Thank you for your advice and wishes!

[Potato People King]

Hi there, I wish you all the best and great luck!

I just have to add one practical and down to earth advice: Undergo a paternity test.
Since you have had a kind od "open" relationship and since you have been living far from each other, it is not impossible that the child is not yours. It might be a hard pill to swallow because you obviously trust her in this (and she might be trully convinced that you are the father), but it definitely can be the truth. Especially after you mentioned you have never had unprotected sex with her and that she always came up with something to make you not want to break up with her... I know it is very unromantic to say, but you are a good company, a young man from western Europe, probably financially secured with stable family.

So, undergo a paternity test. She might want to talk you out of it, but persist and go for it.

If you are really the father, congratulations man!!!, and take the responsibility.

If you find out that you are not the father, give her some amount of money you can spare as a gift for the baby expenses, say goodbye and don't look back.

Yes and my final advice, since you are 22, dont go for vasectomy! Sounds super stupid to me... Why the hell would you want to do that? Better to control yourself more. Also to impregnate a woman is not usually so easy, many couples try hard for a long time to get pregnant!

"Most couples (about 84 out of every 100) will get pregnant within a year if they have regular sex and don't use contraception."

https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/pregnancy/how-long-does-it-usually-take-to-get-pregnant/

So basically, a broken condom here and there is possible to impregnate a girl, but improbable.

[Vercingetorix]

@Thorsten Fuzzi  
First thing I want to tell you - WOW, you are truly an amazing and noble person. I cherish your high sense of Morality, Empathy, selflessness, and kindness.

Second, it sounds like you did a really good job helping and evolving your girlfriend. Although all of her stage red behaviours are hard to stomach, it seems she is a unique person, and has the desire to evolve and can be in the long term a  good partner and parent - is this the way you feel about it or not?

Third, My experience is that in almost any situation in life, when we are creative, we can find solutions that are win-win. I think it's probable to assume that you could fulfil your Life Purpose while raising your daughter. Example: if your goal is to mediate, You can still meditate, practice mindfulness while taking care of your daughter - it's a different kind of meditation but it will evolve you on the spiritual path (there are entire schools of spirituality the are devoted solely to mindfulness like the 4th way).  Of course, you may have to sacrifce things, and it may take you more time to achieve your LF, but it's about the journey, not the destination
And if you realize that your LP can't be achieved while raising your daughter - well - parenthood only last for so long, after maybe 14-18 years you will become relatively free again. So you might have to wait for a little while and start your Life Purpose at age 35-40, Which is still pretty young and you will have a Daughter which is amazing

Nevertheless, If your heart is telling you to choose to not take part in the parenting  - It is a valid option. You didn't choose it! She chose it, and she is 100% responsible if your daughter grows up without her father. you've manipulated, lied and coerced and you need to love yourself first, to support yourself first, to respect yourself first - because if you don't do it, you couldn't do it to your daughter. If you Do it out of resentment - it will be better for your daughter to be raised without you.


 

[Byun Sean]

You might consider asking yourself. 

 

What would someone who loved themselves do?

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Potato People King

So, undergo a paternity test. She might want to talk you out of it, but persist and go for it.

Of course I will. She also agreed to do so.

Also to impregnate a woman is not usually so easy, many couples try hard for a long time to get pregnant!

Well, it doesn't seem to be for me haha. But seriously, thanks a lot for your down-to-earth and compassionate advice. I will take it to heart!

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Vercingetorix

Second, it sounds like you did a really good job helping and evolving your girlfriend. Although all of her stage red behaviours are hard to stomach, it seems she is a unique person, and has the desire to evolve and can be in the long term a  good partner and parent - is this the way you feel about it or not?
It's hard to say. If I wouldn't be connected to her in that way, I would not keep up with it anymore. Why should I? Her center of gravity is rather green, but she has strong red cultural conditioning that has been very destructive from time to time. Nonetheless, the growth she went trough in just two years is remarkable and something I've never seen in people that had a overly safe, european upbringing. So that gives me a lot of hope, but in the end I really don't know.

And if you realize that your LP can't be achieved while raising your daughter - well - parenthood only last for so long, after maybe 14-18 years you will become relatively free again. So you might have to wait for a little while and start your Life Purpose at age 35-40, Which is still pretty young and you will have a Daughter which is amazing.

You are one bautiful soul my friend. Thank you so much for leading my awareness on the possibilty of embodying my life purpose while having a the joy of a grown up daughter! I literally cried a tear of relief reading this.

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Byun Sean

What incredible syncronicity! I did ask myself that the first time yesterday. Thank you!

[Vercingetorix]

@Thorsten Fuzzi
I'm glad I could be of assistance  

Lot's of blessings in your Journey, Will be happy to hear how the journey is unfolding.

A nice supplement to the Life Purpose course that helps me make decisions in my life:

 

Edited September 23, 2020 by Vercingetorix

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@Vercingetorix

Hello my friend (and everyone else )! I'd love to hear your perspective on the following:

Today I recieved a download from consciousness: The primary and universal purpose of my life is enlightenment, by which I mean literally becoming a light in this world and achieving the quantum leap of Self-realization somewhere on the way, the secondary and indivudual purpose of my life is to give a voice to consciousness. This is my mission.

The two best instruments available to me are my podcast and work as an anthropologist. The latter necessarily, but ideally both of them involve a lot of travelling and extensive periods of solitud.

If I am true to my life purpose, I will never ever except a partner that does not want or is not able to do that with me. So if Emily was not pregnant, I knew exactly where to direct my energy and what to do with my life. I would leave her immediatly and follow my bliss. But as a matter of fact she is. And I love my daughter in a way I have not loved before. I'd love to be able to leave her but I think it's impossible. Yes, it was Emily's choice, but it is not my daughter's  fault to be born under such circumstances. I don't want her to have to grow up without a dad, little money, and in a developing country.

To live my life purpose in such a way would be heaven on earth, but it seems almost incompatible with raising a child. Nonetheless, there maybe are ways to compromise in a way that is benificial to everyone, I just can't find one yet. What is really no option for me, is to half-ass fathering. It's hard to imagine how to be a dependable and strong father figure for this little person, but then only being there e.g. half of the year. Due to the mother bringing nothing material on the table it would be financially extremly challenging too.

Maybe you can share some thoughts on the situation. I'd appreciate it a lot!

Much love!

[EnlightenmentBlog]

What happened? Any progress? @Thorsten Fuzzi

Edited January 2, 2021 by EnlightenmentBlog

[BillerS]

What a scary story! I wish kids at school and in universities had sex education. That is how they know about all the responsibilities they have. Honestly, I am a little conservative, so sex means a lot to me. We were planning our kid together, thinking about him all the time. Now he is 3 years old, and he is the most important person in our lives. We moved to New York City and found the best children care Brooklyn center for him - https://littlescholarsnyc.com/ . He already prepares for school with his daycare providers. I think we are responsible parents.

Edited January 9, 2021 by BillerS

[Thorsten Fuzzi]

@EnlightenmentBlog Yes. An ridiculous amount of progress. By the crude force of my situation I found the freedom of being reality as it is. It had to lock me up and destroy any hope of finding freedom trough "being someone", so I could finally surrender to my prison and discover choiceless yet unconditional freedom as a lived experience.

Are you still interested in me elaborating about the process?

Much much apreciation for you guys and especially for having given me sincere support in a time of true crisis. I love you all.