Not intended Ego Death: 175 µg 1cp-LSD trip report

[Travelion]

The report already is so long, i skip to the beginning of the peak experience.

I was at home. I felt sensory overload in the living room, even though it was pretty quiet. That's when I started to feel insecure, and I kept thinking that a disaster was about to happen. Then I went to my room and went to bed with my twin brother (my closest caregiver).

I started to feel more and more anxious and realized that only my brother and my girlfriend could give me security. Layers of my identity as Jonas (my name is Jonas) also became clear to me, especially in terms of how much security which gives me. For example, my landlady and aunt weren't that important, then all of my close friends came along, everyone who was also in my apartment and a few others. And the innermost layer was my brother and my girlfriend. I knew that she couldn't be here now, so i focused on my brother and held onto him. All along he said that everything is fine and that I don't need to be afraid. I really noticed how each layer slipped through my fingers and I was always holding onto the next layer. I still knew that I had "only" taken one drug. Still, I started to cry with fear. I also asked for a trip killer, so two of my friends went out to get one. My brother kept trying to calm me down. At this point it helped that I had dealt with things like the illusion of the ego, ego death, psychedelic experiences, and spirituality before. Because at some point I realized that if the ego was really an illusion, and it was dissolving because of the 1cp-LSD, it would probably feel just like my state, namely that the individual layers were crumbling and I always clung to the next layer and that the ego creates another fear in me with every shift. It felt like I saw through my ego.

At some point I realized the real power of letting go and I was able to stop clinging to my brother. I realized that I can just surrender to any fear and that the only way to escape a fear is to really let go and face that fear. It became clear to me that every living being sets its own limits, but unfortunately mostly unconsciously, which is why you cannot easily recognize and overcome this limit. When I was able to let go of everything, values like having a lot of money and little money were just as important as wanting to live and not wanting to live. Life seems more important to us than money only because living is a more important part of one's identity than having money. Our consciousness has nothing to do with being a human being, it is completely independent of it. It felt as if my previous life was only there to experience this moment at some point and that I was now pulled out of my ego to the Absolute Truth, namely that everything is one, reality is non-dual and completely infinite. I felt free from all limits that could ever exist, I felt infinite, I felt the unity of reality and the non-duality of the whole universe. This was a state of extreme bliss as I realize that all fears were only fictional and meaningless. I had something like the attached image in mind, just without the person, but the pattern around it was similar.

I now understood why dualities like life and death, everything and nothing, flow together in the largest possible picture. Even logic and time are just limits of your own mind. I felt pure existence, every moment was eternal, my consciousness was nothing but perception. I had lost track of time. I was a single singularity, all dreams, desires, fears, emotions of all people. At that point, I didn't want the trip killer anymore either. It was a wonderful miracle. I cried with joy.

The following words kept coming into my head over an over again:

- Being. Just being.

- Existence

- Love

- Non-duality

- Moment (i realized that only the present exists)

- Consciousness.

I recognized the infinite power of letting go, every possible suffering could simply be let go, but of course not in low states of consciousness like that of everyday human life. I said several times things like “trust me”, “let go”, “don't hold on”, “listen to yourself”, “go seek inside yourself” and “let it go”. I wanted to advise everyone in the world to use these words. I also understood the importance of inner calm and the search for the real self in the world.

I saw that love and hate were inextricably intertwined. It was at this point that I also understood karma. Everything we do to others, we experience ourselves at some point, everything we do for others, we do for ourselves. I constantly had images of intertwined strange loops in my mind.

I saw existence as a strange loop.

Anything I would take would be taken from me in another life. I understood why all people were blind to this absolute truth and why no one could logically convince anyone of it. It was as if I had grasped the absolute meaning of existence.

I had realized that the unified consciousness of the universe had created itself for the purpose of existence. The positives and negatives didn't matter. I should experience every other life, infinitely often and infinitely long. However, I didn't know how my experience was going to continue.

Miss-interpretation of reality

After my peak experience, I woke up in the "real" world. I thought that I was now in a world where everyone else who was there knew what I knew. One of the reasons for this was that when I was walking around, I just dropped to the floor and was only caught because my friends looked after me so well. I thought the universe would reward my letting go by being caught by my friends. Every time I let myself down, I was caught by the others. When the others spoke, everything they said only confirmed what I had just experienced. I thought I (the consciousness of the universe) had created everything myself, every music, every smell, every color, every voice. There was nothing but perception. Everything was just beautiful in its perfection. I realized that life was a movie that I watched with my friends and everyone else. I knew I would go through someone else's life one day. I thought my friends knew what I was experiencing because I interpreted some statements as follows:

- "That's a nice head" (he meant the hookah). I thought he meant that as a metaphor for the wonder of existence

- "Now he probably doesn't want to take the trip killer anymore" I thought he meant that after I had learned this truth of the universe, I now know that I no longer need to be afraid of it

- "But that took a long time" (he probably meant the duration of my mental absence from his point of view during the peak) I thought he meant that it took my whole life to come to this insight.

- One line in a song read “and all that counts, is here and now”. I thought this was related to only the present existing and just to focus on

- "You could almost make a meme out of it." I thought he meant the feeling when you first live my experience.

- I asked my brother and a friend how I should have known all of this, and that at some point I will be totally scared (because I would probably experience it again in my next life, at the latest when I die). I don't remember the answer, but I still interpreted it in such a way that they both knew what I was talking about.

I thought that from now on I would be in a reality in which my fellow human beings know the nature of the existence of everything. Later that evening, when a slight feeling of sobriety returned, I thought I was now in a kind of paradise where I could shape my life as I wanted. However, anything that I took positively would fall back on me negatively in another life. I didn't know whether to offer my help to my friends in order to improve my karma. I was confused what to do and whether I would really live in paradise, because I felt like Jonas again, who would like to see his girlfriend, even though the fear of never seeing her again was actually only imaginary. However, I really thought I was in a different reality. That was also because when we sat on a bench outside, the skyline of Nuremberg (in Germany) looked completely different from what I was used to. But that was still due to the remains of the 1cp-LSD. Since my brother said I would feel better in the morning, I didn't know what to expect when I went to sleep. At that point in time, I wanted to go back to my "old" life. I tried to get myself off the trip through low-consciousness stuff like watching a live stream and playing a mobile game. That's why I took the trip killer, also to be able to sleep, although I was still afraid of what would happen if I disappeared from this “paradise” due to the trip killer. I went to sleep at some point and the next morning I felt exhausted and confused, but sober again. I went back to the bench from yesterday evening and was glad that everything looked the way I knew it.

Conclusion

I never thought that such a dose would trigger such an incredible experience and would definitely have taken less if I had known. I was not prepared for that, i've taken 150 µg before and it was like 100 times weaker. The ego death was not intended. That was probably the most profound experience of my life. How do I properly integrate such an experience?
Thanks for reading :).

 

[Leo Gura]

Very good. You got a good dose of God-consciousness. Now spend a few months chewing it over in your mind.

[WaveInTheOcean]

Thanks for sharing, what a ride ???

 

[Travelion]

Thanks for your answers :).

How do I prevent myself from misinterpreting reality and being wrong about some points of the experience (for example, that I had now arrived in paradise and my friends had arrived there earlier) again next time? Why did I think that my old life was gone and I won't return to it?

[Travelion]

Oh, that's really nice to hear @Justine

[Justine]

@Travelion  did you witness the all knowing that you wasn't the only one having the experience, that the entire universe along with you was having the experience. Because you are the entire universe. 

 

 

[Travelion]

25 minutes ago, Justine said:

@Travelion  did you witness the all knowing that you wasn't the only one having the experience, that the entire universe along with you was having the experience. Because you are the entire universe.

yeah, everything was just existence, just being, i was it, i was everything, therefore the entire universe had my perception.

thanks for your advice, appreciate it.

I'll try to implement your advice.

[Ry4n]

Amazing report, I resonate a lot with this experience, definitely sounds familiar to my 250ug trip, even the picture you posted looks similar to the vision I had, except instead it was an infinite geometric column of Buddhas expanding in all directions for eternity as the light got brighter and brighter until I completely and totally dissolved into nothingness, but the nothingness was pure light, pure consciousness; the very essence of one's being. During such a process you see all the fears and insecurities the ego creates and realise it to be nothing but barriers from you experiencing god, with the ultimate solution being a state of total and complete surrender/letting go. 

On 9/21/2020 at 1:21 AM, Travelion said:

Our consciousness has nothing to do with being a human being, it is completely independent of it.

THIS! 

On 9/21/2020 at 1:21 AM, Travelion said:

How do I properly integrate such an experience?

Haha I'm still in the same position you are, and whilst contemplation is utterly crucial I found these 2 guides useful for getting back to that state of "pure being", if it wasn't for these guides I would've completely forgotten what the hell "pure being" even means. Maybe it isn't for everybody but I find that state of total non-doership to be the easiest way to empty the mind and subsequently have these sorts of experiences, albeit to a milder extent. Extremely peaceful though. When the mind is completely silent this essence simply reveals itself of its own accord, without the ego having to get in the way whatsoever. 

 

[Travelion]

Yeah I often use Leo's guided meditation, but I will try out the other one you showed me, too. Thank you

I just hope me Ego doesn't overrationalize the experience too much and modify my memory.