Confused about sex and love

[infinitenrgy]

So the last time I posted on here it was about trying to help my depressed girlfriend. This time It's with the same girl so it might help reading that one because I talked about how we got together, how long we have been together and all those details. I just need advice on this specific situation today because I am extremely confused on right and wrong and what I actually even want right now.

 

So the situation is that earlier this week I had an old female friend text me on snapchat. I used to be very close to her and my girlfriend never liked her. She sent me a video of us from when we were way younger since it was on her memories I guess and we ended up talking about how good of friends we used to be. These days she wears a lot of goth makeup and outfits (looks ridiculous) so at one point I said, "so what are you like now, the same goofy you just dressed hot asf? " After that we continued talking catching up on stuff, even talked about psychedelic's a little bit.

 

Now to side track a little bit I have to explain that when we were younger we never did anything seriously sexual (if I'm honest its only because she never gave me the signal to really go for it, always was talking to several other dudes and I was just the best friend") although I would slap her ass occasionally back then. Several years after we stopped being friends we were talking randomly and because of my past best friend status I was able to get nudes from her for a little bit. Eventually I shut this down but kept the photos on my phone long into my relationship with my girlfriend, eventually deleting them fearing she would see them.

 

Now this time my old friend was texting me, (not to excuse my actions) me and my girlfriend had not had sex for about 2 months due to her having long periods that end with long infections due to some birth control problems she says (she has a thing in her arm for it), so I got a very strong desire to find a way to ask her for nudes and I did it. I knew she would send them. It was also perfect timing because during these past 2 months of been extremely stressed out about how bad porn is for me and how I'm addicted because I can't make it past 3 days without masturbating and watching porn. It causes me to be late to work in the morning, lose love for my girlfriend rather than loving her more, and to have less energy a lot of the time I feel like.

 

This is where it get's complicated because weirdly enough my girlfriends had a dream around this same time that I was cheating on her and she was stressing to me how worried she was now, so I immediately deleted all the pictures worried she would go through my phone and she did go through it this morning. She is now extremely mad at me and all she saw that made her mad was the sentence I quoted at the top about how my friend is hot asf now. She is threatening to break up and doesn't want to talk to me. This happened this morning and she is at work right now.

 

I tried explaining to her that there is a huge difference between the way I and all men think about love and sex. That I love her and I want to build a future with her, grow and accomplish all our goals together because she is my best friend (this is where she previously knew / thought I stood with her), but one of my biggest struggles in life is that I don't know how I could possibly be with just one women sexually for my whole life, I am only 19 years old. I feel like having that experience might be important for self actualizing in my life at some point, I really don’t know  if this is something that society has imprinted in my brain that this isn't even possible and I am just using it as an excuse or if it is something actually worth being concerned about.

 

At the end of the day she truly is my best friend, I love her and only want a relationship with her, but our relationship is already set up with the idea that we are going to be together forever, so one fuckup like this is extremely saddening to her, now thinking I am a liar and un loyal, keep in mind she doesn't even know about the nudes at all. The only reason I put that in this is because I need help analyzing my true intentions, and if she does stay with me, how do I get around this problem of being unsure that I can only be with just her sexually forever?