How to become a confident gay alpha male ?

[futuredoctor]

Hello all  so its been a year now since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of four and half years. I'm 34 years old, pre-med in Venice,CA. I've had very low self-esteem my entire life, and because I'm short 5'4 and skinny (working on building muscle) and I'm mixed  Western African ( Nigeria, Benin, Rep of Congo) and Western European ( Welch, Scottish, Irish), and Central, South, and South East Asian( Indian, Sri Lankan ) and my voice is very light, to the point where people on the phone always call me ma'am or  one time i was like I'm a man, and the person said are you sure? like really!! Anyway, growing up I always felt, there was something wrong with me, and I didnt' feel attractive, and I still don't, you know I used to (not anymore)  want to wish i was "white" and I was even looking at skin bleaching treatments and I was extremely suicidal and depressed this time last year, even this year earlier, (not suicidal, but depressed).I have had ex-boyfriends cheat on me with women, and my last ex-boyfriend was in scientology, so he grew up straight, and he's a little bit older than I.  He is 47 years old and he's still friends with his ex-girlfriends, but for me I didn't like that, because of what I went through in my past, not having any type of confidence wasn't helping the situation. Every time I search for confidence building with men, or alpha -male anything or whatever, its mainly geared towards straight guys. Nothing wrong with that obviously but as a gay male, I would like to have something to relate too. I even thought about having my own Youtube channel because I love the camera, but I was like I dont feel attractive. I often don't feel attractive, because, I have dark brown skin, gay, short, skinny, like I feel everything is wrong with me. Can anyone help?   

[BjarkeT]

I haven’t been through what you have so I can’t speak for experience but just from how I understand what you wrote.

I think one thing that might be holding you back is worrying too much what other people think of you (one tip might be don’t focus so much on you’re thoughts rather focus on how you feel and try to express how it comes naturally)

and an other is to learn to accept yourself.

Hopefully here are some videos that could be useful. 
Best of luck!
 

 

[futuredoctor]

@BjarkeT you are totally right, I do care to much, I'm getting better and coming to terms with myself about myself. I will take a look at those, and I've seen the how to be a man one and How to be more confident and it helped some. I wish there was more content for gay males though, so that's its a bit easier to relate for me.

Edited September 18, 2020 by futuredoctor

[futuredoctor]

@Joshi3 thats right!! thank you for that!!!

[Fran11]

6 hours ago, futuredoctor said:

I often don't feel attractive, because, I have dark brown skin, gay, short, skinny, like I feel everything is wrong with me. Can anyone help?   

There's nothing wrong with you bro. Practice self-acceptance and loving yourself as you are. Also accept and love others, remember that judgament is a double edged sword.

Confidence is just masculine energy.

Both men and women, regardless of their sexual orientation, have both masculine and feminine energies in their psyches.

So it is't true that being gay is an obstacle for developing masculine energy, I've met many very confident gay men. Let go of that limiting belief.

My advice would be: learn to clearly percieve masculine and feminine energies in yourself and in others. Notice how these energies fluctuate constantly, and how their flutuation relates with your thoughts and self-image. Get in touch with your masculine side, it's there, I guarantee.

I've found once you develop fine perception of these energies and how their work, it becomes quite easy to cultivate them and fill yourself with what you need, without any specific technique.

Best luck and much love my friend! 

Edited September 19, 2020 by Fran11

[futuredoctor]

@Fran11 Thank you so much!!! this is incredible!!!!  i appreciate you sooooo much !!! this is true gold!! beautiful information.

 

[Matt23]

Could getting more clear about why you want to become an alpha male (and the quality and nature of the "why") make choosing a direction more effective?

I sense that wanting to be an alpha male may be more of a reactive motivation from feeling insecure, negative self-image/esteem, weak, or small in some sense, and that the alpha male approach may not be the key to solving your issues at the root or in a meaningful way.  

Perhaps finding and using more alpha male resources that are oriented towards gay people would actually be the most helpful thing for you.  I dunno.

But also consider that your issue may be more emotionally deep than you're currently seeing them (i.e., relating to past traumas or deeply held beliefs about yourself).  Again, I'm not saying this is the case (posting on forums isn't the greatest way to get a sense of someone... and even face-to-face can be difficult).  Different therapeutic approaches can actually help out a lot with image issues and confronting past traumas and even people who are no longer physically in your life and overcoming the things you couldn't overcome before.

Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic technique I've been using lately which has been working wonders.

EMDR, psychedelics (of course), Pesso-Boyden psychomotor therapy, meditation, contemplation, journaling, etc.  

Even doing both alpha male approaches with therapeutic approaches might be a great synergy.  

I've had a kind of similar experience in trying to find gay pick-up resources (I honestly didn't put much effort into it to be fair)., and not finding anything much.  But I figured, it's not so much about if a person or resource is gay, straight, or otherwise, it's more about their masculine/feminine or yin/yang energy displacement.  Like there can be gay guys who are total macho, or gay guys who are more feminine.  So I've kind of taken some relationship/sex advice directed at women since I feel more connected to a feminine energy then masculine.  Seems to be more about just feeling things out and seeing what is attractive to you (physically and energetically/felt-sense).

 

Edited September 19, 2020 by Matt23

[Cascader]

Hi futuredoctor,

Your post inspired me to make an account on the forum. I wanted to pass on a few words as a fellow gay person on the path.

The world isn't universally friendly to gay people, and it sucks. However, you can regain your power by recognizing that what really matters in the end is how you view yourself, and how you relate to yourself. Based on what you wrote, I would suggest you work on deepening your self-compassion and love for yourself. While you may not feel attractive, it really is possible to come to accept who you are, the way you are, and from that place transformation becomes ever more empowered.

There is no need to become more alpha or more masculine. People all across the spectrum of gender expression have their place and are beautiful (from my perspective). So try to decipher whether your desire to become more masculine comes from a place of excitement to grow, or from a place of deficiency.

A couple things that may help in particular are: (1) seeking a therapist if you can afford it, particularly one who is LGBTQ+ friendly, as this will allow you to voice your patterns of thought to someone who is empathetic and ever-listening. (2) developing a mindfulness practice. The crazy thing is, all of the judgments you are experiencing are just thoughts in your head, and if you focus on becoming more aware of the ego's patterns, much of these judgments will begin to dissolve.

Small changes in your mindset will compound over time, and if you stick to it, you will be shocked at how much progress you can make. Much love to you on your journey.