How to be the way you want to be

[KingEnergy]

First post, hello everyone.

I’ve written down exactly how I want to be on a piece of paper, also including how I don’t want to be anymore. (This list is about both internal and external goals & mindsets,) 

I’m noticing a part of me (internal dialogue and feelings) that resist against this new me, that doesn’t want me to be a better version and reach my goals on the list. I believe this is what is called the shadow self by some people.

What are the best ways to make sure I get the internal mindsets I want and suss out the self-judging & self-destructive parts of myself?

[TripleFly]

write down the thoughts, worries, fears, anxieties, that you believe are blocking you, then find a way to reincorporate those very fears as the way to your goal. 

I am afraid that no one will like me at work and I will stay all alone, as I have been in the past, and this means the future is hopeless...

>> Even though I am afraid of many things, I still want certain things, and although I know my fear stops me, I also know that I let it do so. So instead of resisting you, my dear fear, I am ready to surrender the way I want things to be, so you can show me what's the baby steps needed for me to do first before I am ready. I shall be present with you, my dear fear, until you are ready to tell me what excites you enough to step forward and slowly join in the great flow that I Am.

[Matt23]

A technique that has been working well for me recently (sometimes wonders actually) is similar to internal-family system's therapy.

Basically, you close your eyes (not necessary perhaps though), and use your body sensations and feelings combined with your imagination and thinking to investigate your inner world.  

For example: I sometimes have these feelings in my body which I am unsure of what they are.  So I'll sit, close my eyes, focus on the feeling, and then can work with it several ways.  

• Ask it questions, like "what are you?", "what is your burden?", "is there anything you want or need from me?", etc., and it will often give responses and you can have conversations with it.  ... By this point an image representing the feeling has come to mind.  Usually an image that resembles what the feeling is about (could be a person or an object, and it can change and move around, etc.).
• You can also try to bring to mind different aspects of yourself.  Like bringing to mind your judgmental self, and perhaps seeing an image of that self in your minds eye.  Then you can have the same dialogues with it and try to empathize, understand and help it along like an understanding parent or guide.
• For me, I've noticed that aspects of myself interact with other aspects.  And sometimes they can have big conflicts and misunderstandings between them.  So I can sometimes bring two (or even more, though I've not done too much of this one) together to try and facilitate understanding between the two.  Get them seeing each others' POV and stuff.

Also, you have a Self (or conscious-leader self), which is the conscious one you want to be when interacting with your aspects.  Though, other, hidden aspects of yourself can invisibly hijack or project themselves from behind when you are interacting with an aspect in front (I can see how this might be difficult to imagine, especially communicating through words is a bit difficult).

• ex:  I'll be consciously trying to understand or talk to an aspect of myself in front of me, meaning I am visualizing it in front of me (you can also open your eyes and imagine the aspect in front of you or use dolls and objects as projection grounds).
• Then, I'll notice maybe a feeling that I'm judging, or saying something negative, or that something isn't quite "right" or healthy in how I'm interacting with the aspect.
• I'll then realize that there's another hidden aspect of myself which I'm not seeing coming through.
• I can then...
  • Ask all aspects to politely step aside for a moment, reassuring them that it's safe and ok.
  • or, I can bring that new aspect out and contemplate what it's all about and try to understand it and why it's doing what it's doing.

 

keep in mind that all aspects are there for a reason, even though they may be harmful.  They may have protected you at one point, but are now not the best way to handle things.

It's just like dealing with human relationships; a big part of "fixing" them is simply understanding them, giving them love, reassuring them, and even challenging and questioning the beliefs they operate under.  But it seems that It's a lot about understanding, empathizing, and compassion.  

 

[susanyzm]

5 hours ago, KingEnergy said:

I’m noticing a part of me (internal dialogue and feelings) that resist against this new me, that doesn’t want me to be a better version and reach my goals on the list. I believe this is what is called the shadow self by some people.

I'm struggling with many aspects of my life, but I've had some successes in shifting some of my behaviors.

For instance, I used to have social anxiety, overthinking about how other people think of me. I would play out dialogues or put imagined words into their mouths. Now when I find myself doing it again, I can let it go and center myself. 

I think the mind is like a dog. It needs to be trained with awareness. 

Writing down the qualities you want and don't want is a good start. But it's like telling a dog: "Sit!" without making association between the order and the behavior. Your mind is still running wild like a hyperactive dog.

I'd like to share with you some of the techniques I tried and find helpful:

1. Visualization in the morning, 5 min.

2. Collecting words of wisdom. Words are very powerful mind-bending tools that only humans have.

3. Self-love meditation. Soften your mind hard-wired with negative stories and soak in the positive energy.

4. Mirror work. Eyes and mirrors are energy magnifiers.

5. Gratitude journal. Also underrated tool for softening the mind.

6. Parts work. Let different parts inside of you speak up as if you are holding a meeting among conflicting selves. Once they are heard, they won't drain your energy from within.

You won't notice much change day to day. But in the long run, you'll grow into a very different person from one aspect to another. 

3 hours ago, Matt23 said:

keep in mind that all aspects are there for a reason, even though they may be harmful. 

Your description sounds very much like the parts work I do. The first time I tried it, my inner child took over my body. I cried and talked like a child and said a lot of things that I only ruminated in my mind. It was the first time I heard her say it out loud.

I used to snack for distressing. After that parts work session, the craving was gone. It was like waving a magic wand. 

It was a feeling I never had before. My inner child has her own independent personality. I can't control what she thinks and what she says. And I realize there are many personalities inside me. I need to bring them into total awareness. Otherwise, they'll be fighting for the driver's seat and run my life into the ground. 

[loub]

Kudos for wanting to improve. Do you see how the envisioned ideal creates the un-ideal, your current situation? It is an expression of, a part of your current situation, can you grasp that in it's entirety? You will have to, because you need to start where you are at.

I'd like to tell you a story about the conscious application of an ideal:

Abdul rides his camel through the desert and comes along three fighting brothers. Their father had just passed and they are fighting over the inheritance. The will is clear: the oldest son should inherit half, the second a third and the youngest 1/9th. They are fighting because the 17 camels their father left cannot be divided this way.

When they ask Abdul for help, he donates his camel to the fathers estate. The sons are happy for now the estate can be divided easily. The oldest gets 9, the second gets 6, and the youngest gets 2.

Abdul takes his camel and rides along.

See, Abdul's camel was the ideal, consciously applied. It solved a non-existent problem, and was itself never a tangible, real thing. It was easily let go of in the end.