I was contemplating on whether to make this trip report or not, because the mods had a spaz attack about a previous post I made, but this was such a powerful trip, that's radically changed my life, I wanted to share it anyway. This is a high quality post, and there's nothing in the guidelines that suggest it should be removed, so I'm not doing anything 'wrong' writing this, even if you remove it.  Set I took a very high dose of syrian rue. Setting At my house The Trip Report At around 12am, I heard these alien like buzzing sounds. I looked outside, and couldn't see anything. I checked all around the house, couldn't find anything. Then finally realised it was coming from my ears. These buzzing sounds sounded like an alien spacecraft. I had this strange sense that the buzzing sounds were some sort of portal to a hyper dimensional world, and I had the sense that aliens were watching me and wanted to abduct me. They never did. The buzzing sounds got louder and louder. The question of what was about to happen pondered in my mind. Will I be abducted by aliens? Will the universe blow up? Will it just dissolve into ashes? At this time, I was starting to get freaked out, so I pulled myself together and just sat down and did some deep breathing exercises. This helped immensely.  As time went on, my coordination got worse and worse. Never to the point I was crawling, but to the point I was stumbling a bit.  My perception also started to get more and more retarded. Space started falling away, distance started warping, etc.  And the fear of death was absolutely huge. Its been large with me sober recently, for some random reason, but this trip of course amplified it by 1000.  My heart rate was massive, and the situation felt very uncomfortable.  Because I wasn't expecting this trip to happen (especially at night), due to the fact that it was rue and not psychotria viridis or root bark, these effects caught me off guard, and that gave me a real great opportunity to persevere through something that would be immensely challenging. It gave me the opportunity to really test how capable I am at loving whatever arises. Can I love the buzzing sounds that are about to abduct me? What about the lack of perception? What about the feeling of vomiting (which was the entire night)? And at first I couldn't. I felt like crying, I really thought "how the fuck is it even possible I'll get through this? This must be impossible!". I was at the bathroom vomiting, assessing the situation. Remembering that who knows how long I've got because I didn't read up on syrian rue only trip reports. Will it be 6 like a normal aya trip? More? Who knows.  At that time, I was even considering the possibility that the trip could go through to work. And how would I handle that situation? I was all alone, and it was dark. Going to the hospital was not an option. Getting a friend to help wasn't either. I'm apart of a psychedelic group (who are the ones that teach me protocols and shamanic and psychedelic techniques) and messaged them to help out. But unfortunately they were all asleep.  I sat down, panicked, just observing the situation I was in. I had just hit rock bottom of this trip. This was when my inner demons, my traumas, fears, lack of acceptance of myself and the world, were all surrounding me, staring me right in the eyes.  I was resisting death. I was resisting the alien abduction sounds. I was resisting my perception. I kept trying to hold myself together, "if I just keep distracting myself, I'll get through it", "if I don't think or feel the alien abduction sounds, they'll go away", "if I just keep thinking about my human self, it wont dissolve" And each attempt I made at holding myself together, the abduction sounds, dissolving of self, perception issues, kept growing larger at each attempt I did.  I didn't want to let go, because I was too worried about being abducted, about loosing complete perception and going insane, etc. And considering I was embarking on a less known path (syrian rue only trip) the fear of what may happen, was even worse.  And on my final attempt to hold myself together, a voice whispered "the only bad thing about this trip, are the projections and labels you're putting onto it" And that, ended up being a core teaching of this trip.  From somewhere, I could not articulate where, out sprang some deep wisdom, a vision for how this trip could end well instead of bad, a voice that told me exactly what I need to do to make it through this thing.  "You need to accept, love, appreciate, be grateful for whatever is arising" said the voice. "Whatever arises, is always, ALWAYS good, and the only thing making it bad, is you believing so". And with that message, came a radical reorientation for what that trip was, and what it was about to turn into.  The abduction sounds, we re-contextualised, from scary aliens trying to abduct me, to being loving creatures, or the universe, just trying to teach me a lesson and help me. The lack of perception, was seen as beauty and infinity. The heart rate racing, was an opportunity for me to feel my heart and get to know it better. Instead of trying to get the trip to adapt to me, the voice taught me how to adapt myself to the trip. Taught me that no matter what arises, its ALWAYS, ALWAYS! An opportunity to grow, to learn, to practice love and acceptance.  And that trip, almost instantly, went from being a hell hole, to being almost a paradise, without a thing changing.  I was there, just recontextualising, recontextualising, recontextualising, everything. To turn it from hell to love. To learn from it, and to enjoy it.  And in that moment, as I was recontextualising what ever arises, bang bang bang, like a love gun, I got a huge sense and feeling of a flow state. A feeling of "this is what I'm meant to be doing". It just felt so right. This is the point of my life. I'm meant to be doing this, with everything.  And as I did that, massive hallucinations in my bathroom formed, they were like blocks waving back and forth, and then the whole room radically changed into a hyper dimensional rainforest, with 2 shamans looking at me. The voice kept saying "keep loving, keep accepting, keep learning" "let go" Until I realised, that voice, was one of the shamans. Staring at me, like I'm doing something, that's so important, so honourable, so worthy for the world. I'm learning to love whatever happens. I'm learning to make the most of the worst of worst experiences, and to enjoy it all. And that shaman, wasn't another shaman on the opposite end of me, he was me. me and him were like 2 tentacles of the same octopus. Different, but the same. I, as being both me and the shaman, was helping myself in this strange loopy way.  He was teaching me how to vomit. How the horrible pain in my stomach, wasn't just random pain, but the symptoms of traumas of my past, and not loving myself enough.  He showed me, at each time I spewed vomit, how I was purging childhood trauma. He was showing me how to love those traumas, how to accept them, and then how to let them go (spew them out). He was showing me how to walk, even when uncoordinated. He showed me how even when I'm in a state of mind where my coordination sucks, I can still walk, if I just let go, feel my body, feel the flow of the environment, and allow my legs and arms and torso work together to walk.  He showed me how the traumas in my mind, affect my IBS, my sleep problems, my pains in my body. He pointed to the pain in my body, showed me what childhood trauma it relates to.  He showed me all the damage to my body from the food I ate in the past, how that little pain I always feel at the back of my ear, is from the mcdonalds I had as a kid. He picked up that pain, and showed me the mcdonalds remainders.  He showed me what it was like to be a shaman. How to be a proper shaman, its about letting go of all your thoughts, and loving what arises. Being in flow with nature, the environment, other people, and just submitting to the present moment on a deep level.  The trip ended on a good note. What I learnt - no matter what I do in life, I'll never be happy and get what I want. No matter what career, relationship, etc I get, it will never make me happy.  What will truly make me happy, is learning to love whatever arises. I've been shown, proven, QED to the max, that my point in life, is to love everything. Absolutely everything. And the most counter intuitive, and amazing thing I've been shown in this entire trip, is what I always wanted in my career, relationships and spirituality, wasn't attaining love or happiness, but was the capacity to love whatever I end up attaining. Its the capacity, not the attainment, that I always wanted. And that I now will always strive for in my life.  And that's radically changed my views of my career and dating.  And its radically changed how I see events that happen to me. I see them now not as mistakes, or accidents, or problems or issues. I now see them as an opportunity to create what I truly want: capacity to love.  - Capacity for love is enormous. Things you thought you could never ever love, are possible to love. And you should always try to, because odds are, its possible.  - Love is the answer to healing. To heal your body, mind and spirit, the most fundamental, and essential element to that healing, is to love those parts of your body and mind and soul. You can do western medicine, nootropics, ayurveda or vasi healing, but if you don't firstly love the areas of your life you're trying to heal before doing all the things in the above, then its like you're building a roof before the concrete. And in a lot of cases, especially mental, just loving itself is curative.  - I think the most amazing thing about this trip, was how it radically changed from being hell to being paradise, all from me just choosing to love and to see what was happening in positive light. That trip at the beginning, had more suffering that I think I experienced when I was getting severely bullied in high school. And to see how it changed just from my attitude... wow. Just fucken wow. I so amazed at how an attitude, is such a key, the key, in being happy. I'll never ever forget that experience, and forget what attitude, acceptance and love really is.  All it took for me to love this trip, was a moment. It didnt take a fancy car, girlfriend, some meditation pose, delicious food... All it took was a moment. Was a state of mind. Just a state where i accepted what happened. And what this trip showed me, is the best thing, the only real thing my career, relationships and spirituality can offer me, is a moment. Think about the times you were happiest in your career. It wasn't the money itself, it wasn't the body movements of typing at the keyboard, the only, and greatest thing your career can give you, is a moment. A moment where you're blissful, accepting reality, peaceful. That's what the money gives you, or pretends to give you, is that moment. The best part of your relationship? That moment, during sex or watching tv with her/him. Its that moment of bliss, peace and acceptance.  Its something which, you have the power to attain right now, not by earning lots of money, buying stuff, attaining skills. Its simply attained by your attitude, an attitude to love and accept. So why, why grind through life, go through hell working 2 jobs, talking to shitty girlfriends, having a hard time with the self hurt and pain of pickup, going through all that, just to attain that future, special moment, a moment which you already have, right now, all the time, as part of living consciousness itself. Why not just enjoy the moment now? Instead of choosing to only enjoy it after years of pain and hardship? You already have what you seek, and will ultimately get anyway. The best you can get from your career, relationships or spirituality, is the moment, is the now. Just enjoy the now.