How to deal with being nagged?

[Consept]

So been seeing this girl for a couple of years now, I like her but she's a bit of a perfectionist, very tidy, very organised, which is fine but I'm not really like that, which is also fine. Problem is every time I see her at least once she'll tell me something I need to change or something I should do. For context, materially speaking I'm doing OK, have my business, my place (we don't live together), car, go to the gym etc. 

What annoys me is that a lot of the time she doesn't know about what she's trying to help me with and it feels like she's doing it either because she would like to change me and be a certain way for her, or because maybe she was treated that way by her mum and she feels that's a loving way to be (I've got this impression when we've talked a bit deep). An example of her not knowing, she told me to stop doing my business because I was going through a tough spell about a year ago, keep in mind I've been doing this for 10 years and had many ups and downs. But she didn't know much about the business just because its not a traditional job I think is why she had this opinion. 

A couple of times she's gotten really angry for seemingly small things (one time I had a hole in my sock) and in general she's quite impatient because of her perfectionist standards, that's not exclusive to me. Everytime these things happen I talk to her properly and tell her I'm not happy with it, and she has camled down a bit and even started meditation. But now it's like in almost on edge waiting for her to nag or complain about something and I don't like that. Of course I have a lot of stuff I want to improve but I feel like it should come from me and if I need advice I'll ask. Anyway what you guys think, is it normal to get nagged, is everyone trying to change everyone, or is this a bit much? 

[egoeimai]

It is too much. Not saying that you're perfect or don't need to change (no one is perfect, we all have room to improve) but this behavior doesn't make you feel happy about yourself and it brings out not the best parts of yourself. So that's not something you should aim for in life. People that bring the best out of us make us feel the best and do more and more and improve. Not the people who are trying to manipulate us in such way.

[Consept]

15 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

It is too much. Not saying that you're perfect or don't need to change (no one is perfect, we all have room to improve) but this behavior doesn't make you feel happy about yourself and it brings out not the best parts of yourself. So that's not something you should aim for in life. People that bring the best out of us make us feel the best and do more and more and improve. Not the people who are trying to manipulate us in such way.

Thanks for your response x. Im definitely not perfect, im under no illusion about that, but none of us are and i think we're always works in progress. I feel a lot of compassion for her because a lot of these behaviors are automatic, through her very blue upbringing and now (i would say) shes in orange, shes very hardworking and achievement orientated, which is a positive for her, its just when she puts that on other people, mainly me, i think it causes problems. I, as you say to do, try and bring out the best in her which she recognises but i think she feels frustration in that she cant do the same for me, she wants to hence the nagging but the method is not great, she knows and she says in this respect she wants to be more like me (probably the only aspect of me she wants to be like lol). I have told her many times how it makes me feel etc and i feel like the intention is there to not do it so much, but at this point it just seems so hard wired in her, and she is probably even harsher on herself, which is why ive been encouraging her with meditation etc. 

[universe]

Quite dominant is she? Maybe she has been trying to live up to the very high standards that people around her ingrained in her and that is why she always sees inadequacy wherever she looks.

I'd recommend her the Sedona Method to get on track to release her need for perfection.

In the meantime you could release your own triggers and needs for validation. For example when you fully accept that your socks have holes in them and everything this might implies. And you are fine without getting validation from her. Her criticizing your socks will just go through you - without eliciting an emotional turmoil inside of you. That aside. If you don't enjoy her company, let her go. It is very unlikely that she will change.

[egoeimai]

2 hours ago, Consept said:

Thanks for your response x. Im definitely not perfect, im under no illusion about that, but none of us are and i think we're always works in progress. I feel a lot of compassion for her because a lot of these behaviors are automatic, through her very blue upbringing and now (i would say) shes in orange, shes very hardworking and achievement orientated, which is a positive for her, its just when she puts that on other people, mainly me, i think it causes problems. I, as you say to do, try and bring out the best in her which she recognises but i think she feels frustration in that she cant do the same for me, she wants to hence the nagging but the method is not great, she knows and she says in this respect she wants to be more like me (probably the only aspect of me she wants to be like lol). I have told her many times how it makes me feel etc and i feel like the intention is there to not do it so much, but at this point it just seems so hard wired in her, and she is probably even harsher on herself, which is why ive been encouraging her with meditation etc. 

Nice, so she's aware of it and maybe is trying to change it. Although, this is not gonna change overnight. Until then, she is gonna keep doing it. If it doesn't bother u or change you overtime (aka u can control how u feel and behave) then keep it as is it. But if you think it's gonna influence u in a bad way then let her go. You're just on different levels.

[mandyjw]

Nagging is something that happens in relationships because we start to focus on what we don't want rather than what we do. So her nagging can be exacerbated if you focus on it. Try bringing something fun and unexpected into your relationship, pick some wildflowers for her, draw a corny cartoon as a joke, whatever. The more you focus on those connecting things, the less the nagging gets focused on, the happier she is and the more the spontaneous, free romantic stuff is getting her attention the less she nags. 

 

[Consept]

1 hour ago, universe said:

Quite dominant is she? Maybe she has been trying to live up to the very high standards that people around her ingrained in her and that is why she always sees inadequacy wherever she looks.

She can be although im not really a push over, hence the clashes. She has clashed with other as well, im generally more laid back. Shes from Latin America (Colombia) which is predominately blue and yes its like she looks out for things that are not perfect, its funny cos its almost like she never enjoys the perfection because shes always worrying about the next thing she has to do. Im always trying to get her to be in the moment. Ill look into the sedona method, ive heard about it but dont know much about it.

1 hour ago, universe said:

In the meantime you could release your own triggers and needs for validation. For example when you fully accept that your socks have holes in them and everything this might implies. And you are fine without getting validation from her. Her criticizing your socks will just go through you - without eliciting an emotional turmoil inside of you. That aside. If you don't enjoy her company, let her go. It is very unlikely that she will change.

This is true, sometimes i do feel like i need validation, its something i really need to work on. I know how to show i dont need it but internally sometimes it claws at me, i have improved but its a process. The socks thing i was more annoyed that she would be so angry about something i didnt think was important in the slightest. We had a discussion after that and thats when she told me about her mums high standard etc, so i can understand that culture and why she may be like that, but it still does trigger me when its in full force. 

1 hour ago, egoeimai said:

Nice, so she's aware of it and maybe is trying to change it. Although, this is not gonna change overnight. Until then, she is gonna keep doing it. If it doesn't bother u or change you overtime (aka u can control how u feel and behave) then keep it as is it. But if you think it's gonna influence u in a bad way then let her go. You're just on different levels.

Yeah she is tbf, but i think if i was to stay long term it would still be a problem, sometimes i think maybe its a good test for me to stay in presence, because when i am things are a lot easier and she can be really cool to hang out with, obviously focusing on the negatives here. We are definitely on different levels, but then it is tricky finding someone i can truly relate to. 

52 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Nagging is something that happens in relationships because we start to focus on what we don't want rather than what we do. So her nagging can be exacerbated if you focus on it. Try bringing something fun and unexpected into your relationship, pick some wildflowers for her, draw a corny cartoon as a joke, whatever. The more you focus on those connecting things, the less the nagging gets focused on, the happier she is and the more the spontaneous, free romantic stuff is getting her attention the less she nags. 

Yes definitely true, i think that is how she works in general though she tends to be a bit of a worrier and focuses on the avoiding fearful things so i guess this would extend to me lol. But also i do tend to focus on it, usually if im not feeling good and i cant just laugh it off, or she does it multiple times in quick succession. One of the best times i had with her was actually in lockdown because she felt completely free, didnt have to worry about work, had loads of time etc. I take your points though, i know its me focusing on it that makes it seem worse, so i have to work on that and open myself up, even if we stop speaking or whatever its still something i would want to bring into different relationships. 

[Loving Radiance]

13 hours ago, Consept said:

she's gotten really angry for seemingly small things (one time I had a hole in my sock)

lol

 

Good advice was already given, so my cents here are that you can maybe fill out a worksheet and do the work every time you are concerned.

[Consept]

54 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

lol

 

Good advice was already given, so my cents here are that you can maybe fill out a worksheet and do the work every time you are concerned.

I wish I was joking about that, wasn't even a big hole lol. Thanks for the sheet though I'll check it out 

[Preety_India]

 

Just make her aware of it from time to time. Maybe when you keep persisting, she will give up or change herself. 

Nobody is perfect. If you leave her to find another woman, she will have imperfections too, just of a different kind. 

The search for a perfect partner is never ending and often misleading. 

Relationships should only be broken if there is a serious issue, abuse, cheating, stalking, control/manipulation, immaturity, Gaslighting, lack of compatibility. 

Issues outside of the serious issues can be easily worked on and resolved. 

 

[loub]

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Relationships should only be broken if there is a serious issue, abuse, cheating, stalking, control/manipulation, immaturity, Gaslighting, lack of compatibility. 

Issues outside of the serious issues can be easily worked on and resolved.

Troubling advice. What about growing apart organically, being in different places, wanting different things in life? People tend to confuse the end of a relationship to be it's failure. You can have a great time, intimate and loving and then find your paths parting naturally. True love in relationships sets you both free.

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, loub said:

What about growing apart organically, being in different places, wanting different things in life?

I wouldn't call that breaking a relationship. I will call it mutual parting of ways.. Breaking usually happens when you are hurt for some reason. I was just trying to make a point that that reason shouldn't be very trivial. 

 

[flume]

I have the same tendency as your girlfriend and my last relationship somehow went down the same way. So I think one of two things could be going on:

1. She just wants to feel your strength. She wants you to step up and lead her and not be concerned by her nagging around. Her moods are just a test to see how confident you are in what you do and how well you can handle criticism. Read “The Way Of The Superior Man” by David Deida to understand this dynamic.
    
2. She has trouble with accepting that side about herself and is constantly projecting that rejected side onto you. In that case, she would probably benefit from going to therapy.

It’s probably a combination of the two. At least in my case it was. I’d recommend for both of you to read “Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus” by John Gray as well. You’ll need to sniff out if it’s a problem on your side (stepping into your masculine), on her side (working through old patterns), or in communication (like described in Grays book).

Good luck! :-)

[Consept]

21 minutes ago, flume said:

I have the same tendency as your girlfriend and my last relationship somehow went down the same way. So I think one of two things could be going on:

1. She just wants to feel your strength. She wants you to step up and lead her and not be concerned by her nagging around. Her moods are just a test to see how confident you are in what you do and how well you can handle criticism. Read “The Way Of The Superior Man” by David Deida to understand this dynamic.
    
2. She has trouble with accepting that side about herself and is constantly projecting that rejected side onto you. In that case, she would probably benefit from going to therapy.

It’s probably a combination of the two. At least in my case it was. I’d recommend for both of you to read “Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus” by John Gray as well. You’ll need to sniff out if it’s a problem on your side (stepping into your masculine), on her side (working through old patterns), or in communication (like described in Grays book).

Good luck! :-)

Thanks so much for your insight, especially valuable as you relate to her. 

With point 1, its interesting you should say that because she has specifically said a few times that she likes the way i argue, in that i make my points well and without injecting hurt emotions and that kind of thing, so essentially she cant really argue back as im trying to solve the problem rather than hurt them or whatever, this has been the case with past relationships as well. I have read that book and a few others on the subject so ive probably taken a lot of that into the relationships. The reason i get annoyed by the nagging is not even necessarily the nagging itself, its just i know if she keeps doing it i wont be able to be around her. Although sometimes i do feel like i want validation from her, i am aware of that though and try not to fall in that trap. 

Point 2 she went to therapy with her ex-partner and i think this type of thing came up although not specifically what you said, i would say she would benefit from going, ive recently gone, i did about 6 months or so. Problem is i dont think she sees her issues as a massive problem as shes very focused on work, so im not sure that would appeal. But when i have brought up these issues she is very receptive, so shes not in denial or anything like that, its more that she literally doesnt know how to control them. 

What happened in your relationship and is it something that youve overcome or at least made progress with?  

[loub]

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I wouldn't call that breaking a relationship. I will call it mutual parting of ways.. Breaking usually happens when you are hurt for some reason. I was just trying to make a point that that reason shouldn't be very trivial.

Thanks for clarifying. Personally, I still would not get behind what you say. The kind of relationship I envision would be one that cannot be 'broken' because it is a non-thing. It would be one of saying yes continually, ever deeper. Unafraid of loosing it because both our fulfillment is independent of our being together and rather expressed through it.

It baffles me how many restrictions people are willing to take in the name of a conventional relationship. 'I love you, but that means you cannot be this and this way ever again. If you are, I will take it amiss.'

[loub]

Also to the OP, it really does sound like the kind of feminine shit tests that Deida talks about a lot. She wants to test your ability to remain unfazed in the face of her nonsense, she needs to know if she can trust and surrender to you. Next times she nags you about a hole in your sock just try not to feed into it at all, be unreactive and then knock her off her socks somehow, kiss her passionately, ravish her, whatever. She'll dig it and being in your masculine around a feminine women is sublime. Good luck.

Edited September 18, 2020 by loub

[Roy]

Never kowtow to a woman, especially if you're taking care of and are on top of the stuff that matters.

The way you deal with this is to give ZERO fucks or attention to her nagging. She will seem upset at this at first, but it will fade because deeper down she will respect you (even if it isn't verbalized) and eventually she will chill out.

Like she got really mad at you because you had a hole in your sock LOL? Yeah fuck off.

Edited September 18, 2020 by Roy

[Consept]

1 hour ago, Roy said:

Never kowtow to a woman, especially if you're taking care of and are on top of the stuff that matters.

The way you deal with this is to give ZERO fucks or attention to her nagging. She will seem upset at this at first, but it will fade because deeper down she will respect you (even if it isn't verbalized) and eventually she will chill out.

Like she got really mad at you because you had a hole in your sock LOL? Yeah fuck off.

Yeah for real lol. Thing is it's a fine line, how I dealt with that is I told her that I'm not gonna put up with stuff like that and that essentially if you are gonna act like that I can't be around you, she got upset and kinda explained why she is like that. Now it did cross my mind to not react at all, but if I didn't maybe it would be like condoning it or making her think it's alright or I'm submissive. This was obviously a huge over reaction on her part and to be fair she hasn't had as extreme a reaction since then and this was a while ago now. But I'm kinda stuck between calling out the behavior or not giving any fucks as you say 

[Consept]

1 hour ago, loub said:

It baffles me how many restrictions people are willing to take in the name of a conventional relationship. 'I love you, but that means you cannot be this and this way ever again. If you are, I will take it amiss.'

This is good advice and part of the problem I'm having, because I don't want to accept traditional rules of a relationship and I want to, not only be who I am but obviously grow, its difficult for her to fully accept it, although she does try. It's kinda crazy how tied people are to the idea of what a relationship is or means 

[Akemrelax]

My mom is someone who nags a lot. Obviously my dad has to deal with it more than me, but I have some experience living with nagging females. My parents are happy but this is still a problem.

Imo this habit doesn't tend to go away. A lot people have suggested to just ignore her nagging and eventually she'll get the hint, but that doesn't ring true in my experience. It may create a rift in the relationship. She may think you don't listen to her and blame you for not listening when you mess up. You may avoid certain conversations cause of fear of nagging and arguments. The negativity might take a toll on you in the long run.

Nagging is part of every relationship but I can imagine relationships where nagging is way less to be way more satisfying.