Questions about fear and insanity

[electroBeam]

Not sure if this belongs here or in the serious problems section.

Ok so for the past 2 weeks, I've been in a state of mind that is quite daunting.

I've contemplated and deeply deconstructed reality to the point where I'm beginning to be on the cusp of loosing control and going insane.

When I'm in the shower, or walking, I'll naturally contemplate(just a habit from when i was a child) and now, as I start to contemplate, I feel massive energy rush up to my brain, and i start to forget the universe. Its like i get dementia. 

I feel like my universe will explode and I'll be in a mental hospital. 

I can control it and stop it from happening. I need to constantly think about the universe, and reinforce it in my brain. I need to think about "what's a bed", "what's a tree", "what's sleeping", "what am i as a person". I need to constantly reinforce and think about myself as a person. I need to think about eating, drinking, etc.

I'll naturally contemplate, then massive fear comes up about forgetting the entire universe, then ill think about and reinforce what that human thought is, then i feel this strong sense of relief.

But this is massively unsustainable. I'm gonna fuck up at some point in the future and forget to reinforce the universe and who i am. And i need to constantly think about it. Its tiring.

I know that if i dont think about and reinforce those thoughts, if i forget to or contemplate too deeply - I'm immediately in a hospital ward, I'm absolutely fucked.

I'll completely loose control, completely forget about the universe, it will probably never come back, and I'll go absolutely insane.

What i feel when im on this cusp is no less intense then a strong psychedelic dose. It would be accurate to say that I'm in a state of mind where i can active 10 grams of shrooms right now... just by not reinforcing the world. 

 

So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to go insane, but i cant be like this forever.

[Recursoinominado]

Fear of going insane is still a FEAR, it DOES NOT mean you are going insane, it does mean that your ego feels threatened by your reality deconstruction progress.

I have been there many times and here is my two cents:

1. Take time to promote the integration of your insights and perception changes. This happens when we are able to maintain equanimity, aka being fully present with all current phenomenon.

2. Practice embracing your feelings and letting go of them, like it is taught by David Hawkins in his book "Letting Go" and the Sedona Method. Basically welcome whatever you are feeling and relax, letting go of it, over and over again until you start to feel good and then you let go of that too.

3. Focus on being present in your body, not your mind. The thoughts can be random, wild and false, pay attention to your feelings because that what's ACTUAL, which is different from what is NOT actual, aka the thoughts. Watch Leo's video about Actuality.

4. Connect with your environment, fewer screens, and more nature. Human touch is great, talk to people you like, try to meet with them. You don't even have to say anything about what's happening to you, just be with them and stay present.
 

5. Finally, relax a little, this isn't a sprint, pace yourself.

[cetus]

@electroBeam From what you've been saying lately it sounds like it's about time to give it a break. Your sleep pattern is probably all messed up too. Don't want to get yourself burned out.

[Eren Eeager]

Interesting!

Maybe you are a spiritually gifted person and what you call insanity is actually enlightenment. Are you experience different on psychedelics. Have you ever experienced a break-through naturally or on psychedelics?. Maybe the thing you are afraid of is enlightenment.

[electroBeam]

@Recursoinominado That's great advice, especially the part about nature. Yes fear is literally false. That's what's gonna be required to get through it. 

@cetus Thanks for the advice. FYI my post history is not a good indicator of my background, but even if it was, you'll see I mostly post about dating and life purpose, and gave this stuff a break months ago. My sleeping problem is entirely unrelated to spirituality. 

[Nahm]

@electroBeam

I think you’ve been kickin ass in life, doing all the shit we all gotta do if you will, doing the grind, for a long time. One perspective as a way to approach and communicate this... the ‘normal’ life cycle is born, learn, develop, work / contribute to society / ‘build a life’...then eventually retire....and that would typically be where / when an unwinding of the psyche occurs. We could think of the would ‘retirement’ as if it pointed to each of us ‘retiring’ the ego, or that self we developed which did all the work through out life. 

But we, as in me, you, and pretty much everyone involved with the forum, practices, trips, etc - are ‘speeding up’ that ‘retirement of the self’ portion of the overall journey. 

So, it would be perfectly natural than when we ‘speed up’ the path in this sense...the ‘stuff that we purge out’ would come up with more intensity. Specifically, concerns would arise that could be fundamentally - “If there’s no me ain’t none of this shit gonna get done!!!”. This would invoke a phase experienced as if we’re being torn in half. 

All matters of ‘the path’ are deconstructive. What’s being deconstructed is the finite mind. The fascinating nature of this process is that there is no finite mind. “It” is the illusion of itself, or the illusion is that there is an “it” which is being deconstructed. Infinity, in the sense “it” “leads to” the appearance which ‘leads to’ the assumption there is a finite mind, is divine perfection, and could not possibly be more smoothly ‘constructed’ (because it literally isn’t, as it is an appearance). So think of this perhaps like water & ice. It is no trouble at all for water to freeze and be ice cubes. There is no actual effort involved. Effort, is a belief the water has, only when the water believes in ice. There is no ice, there is only water being, via appearing as, ice, and more perhaps more relevantly, ice cubes.

Our story “begins” (no beginning really, but from eternalness to appearance) as Nothingness...but is not thought about until water appears as the ice cubes of “thinking”. Front the perspective of the ice cube (a perspective which is itself an appearance), there seems to be “something forgotten”, which stands to be “remembered”. The complete melting of the ice = the realization there was, is, and will only ever be, water. 

As a cube melts, or, as the finite mind is deconstructed, those perfectly smooth phases of appearing as encountered - but backwards. Forward, no problem whatsoever, silky smooth. Backwards though, it’s a ride through a mindfuck jungle of epic proportions. One could argue this is because the ‘design’ is that of forward ness, and it is going against ever possible grain to go backwards. I have come to realize (and this is of course just something it seems like someone is saying) that this is not the case. Rather than this being attributed to a ‘design’ or intention, or any ‘thing’ which can be thought, it is due to what could be said to be the most profound realization - that infinite can not know finite. 

That phrase can be taken many ways. The implication I’m trying to convey is that the statement reveals there is no finite. Simply put, if you read that statement, and see a distinction, it reveals to you that you are the holder of the distinction. There is quite literally no one here which is saying it. “It”, is literally, you. If that reveals it’s intended message, it is quite comforting in the ‘nothing matters’ great feeling sense. 

So in regard to the experience you are having, I would say it is the letting go, or the allowing of, the deconstruction of the finite mind. As “it” untangles “itself”, which is to say see’s through it’s own fabricating & perpetuating that “it” has any existence whatsoever...the smooth ‘forward’ constructive of the experience of self & world are experienced backwards. Going backwards, one experiences all of the misnomer labels of psychology and physiology. So yes indeed, it is experienced as the mind falling apart. But ‘falling apart’, really points to seeing through it - ultimately it is seen that there was nothing there which was deconstructed or ever ‘fell apart’. Like every single word us humans say, it complete and utter bullshit. Story, if you will. 

‘You’ are clearly deep underway in this deconstruction, encounter ‘phases’ of construction, backwards. And yes, simple put, it is fucked up. It is logic, rational thought, reason, morality, purpose, etc - experienced backwards. It’s not going to make sense - unless of course, it is very much recognized that this is what’s transpiring. The ‘framing’ makes all the difference in perspective, which makes all the difference in terms of ‘making sense’ of what the hell is going on. There is peace and comfort is seeing & understanding this process as accurately as possible. Understanding which later, ‘itself’, goes too, as it is ‘seen’ that it was only of the apparent finite mind. 

Which is to say, you are neck deep in mindfuck town, on the daily. I have been there and can relate. Operating businesses, and the relationships involved, as well as a marriage and the roles of son, father, brother, friend, etc, etc, through this deconstruction process is a major undertaking. It is audacious. The adventure (forwardness) of living is quite enough. Some sicko’s like us want more though, we want the truth. I refer to that added ‘uncovering of the finite mind’ & therefore ‘reality’ as the metadventure. You, like I, are undertaking both of these simultaneously. Clarity, relaxation & understanding virtually dictate how this goes, and how it is experienced. 

I’ve said a lot here and honestly am I able to decipher if it is informative or nonsensical rambling. In that vein I’ll conclude with this...there is that old quote attributed to The Buddha...

”There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way, and not starting.”

No one ‘goes all the way’. I mean to communicate this in the most absolute literal sense. There is not one single person on this earth who has ‘gone all the way’. ‘Going all the way’ ‘results’ in the realization that you wrote that quote, you literally create it by appearing as it, right this very moment. The quote is not attributed to Siddhartha, it is attributed to The Enlightened One, and there are not two. That quote could never be ‘pinned down’ in any literal sense as to wether or not Siddhartha actually said it, because the whole point of the quote is that “he” never existed. The Buddha is existence, and you sir, are The Enlightened One. Not ‘you’ the ‘person’ or ‘finite mind’of course, but you which has been appearing all along as the person & world, and all the activities within it. 

The most relevant of these activities, given ‘where you’re at’ in the backwards metadventure of mindfuckery, is the encountering of the misalignment between feeling and thought. So though it maybe or may not be initially satisfying to read, the ‘resolve’ is that there is already not a problem, it just feels like there is. The ‘problem’ is that there is no longer anything ‘thing’ which can be pointed to as the catalyst for why you feel this way that you do lately. In an apparent attempt to perpetuate the illusion of it’s own existence, the finite mind will through everything and a hundred kitchen sinks up as the “reason”, or “catalyst”, for why you feel this way. 

So the resolve (forward / thought based), is now actually replaced by the the non-resolve (backwardsness). Or most simply put - Letting Go. There has not been a ‘self’ doing anything, all has always only been an appearance, as I believe you’re pretty aware & becoming increasingly aware of. It is that notion of ‘increasingly aware’ which now must be, Let Go. There never was a ‘you’ ‘with’ ‘awareness’ ‘increasing’. That notion can be put down, or, Let Go. One way to approach this, that I in the personal ‘what works best’ way prefer, is to take complete and a rather ownership of it. Linguistically, this sounds like “ok...fuck it...the jig is up...I’m doing it”, “how I feel is only because of how I’m looking at this, whatever ‘this’ in this moment seems to be”. This uncovers our write offs, the labels and symbols of the mind we use to apply the sheen of a story to the actuality. This includes labels like fear, and insanity. 

More practically speaking, we could say there are humans who let go rather naturally, and there are humans which do not let go naturally, and must learn to. Those who don’t let go quite so naturally have the added challenge of the effect this has psychosomatically, or, the backwards experience of what appears physiologically. The simplest way I can say this, is attention is being given to thought / thinking...about...this experience. Attention could (and I really want to say should) be given to the body, relaxation vs tension, and specifically to witnessing the relationship between a thought or perspective, and the reaction of the body of tension vs relaxation. 

Even more practically (and obnoxiously to ‘get through’)...I would literally slap yourself across the face a few times. Literally. Also have someone else do this. Seriously, yet to slap the seriousness right out of you. Then, I would make a list of everything you can think of which contributes to relaxation no longer being a thought, or having anything to do with thought - and fully realizing relaxation is feeling, and or is more ‘actual’ relative to thinking about relaxation. I would do all those things you can come up with. For starters, go get a massage. Maybe order a neck massager device thingy. Do deep breath stretches early in the morning, hold extended stretches while breathing into them, feeling the literal deeper & deeper release of the muscles. Stretch like that multiple times a day. 

As cliche as it seems to have become - the key is within you - so the key, is what you like. Do stuff you like, that feels good to you. There is a source of all feeling good, ‘you’ are going to that source. That source is aware the backwards travel to ‘it’ is challenging & difficult. By recognizing ‘it’ is always coming to ‘you’, we can recognize the ‘how’ of this, is via feeling...specifically, feeling good.     

There is no point beyond this experience right now, because there is no thing beyond this experience right now. If you are not enjoying the experience of right now, for ‘it’s’ own sake, regardless of whatever appears to be ‘going on’, it will not feel quite right. You could say it will feel partial or hollow, rather than whole, or full. There are limited culprits as to what seems to be preventing this enjoying this right now unconditionally. They are thoughts / perspectives about self, past, future, and or other. That’s it. It is simple, but thoughts which arise which reveal emotional misunderstanding yet fully untangled & aligned, seem to complicate. There is an apparent added layer, in that it is tempting to then say that the thoughts / perspectives are the catalyst. Experientially, they are. But in actuality they are not. Truly, the source of all that is, is within ‘you’.  But that is the very nature, of the backwardness of the path. They (thoughts & perspectives) don’t actually ‘cause’ anything, but this, from certain perspectives, can be taken as offensIve When I firmly believe that this is the case nonetheless. But that, is one such example of the involvement of thought of self, other, past, and or future.  

 

Also...if ‘spirituality’ is defined, ultimately, as The Absolute Truth, then all else is relative to it. So I believe your sleep is related to all of this. I would loosen up the black & whiteness of sleep, with the acknowledgement that it can’t truly be said to be needed. As a different contextualization, look at it like rest & relaxation is needed. I would definitely keep a bedside dream journal. Dreams are messages from that which you are headed to, so to speak. “It” is communicative, yet not in the linguistic sense we often figure it would be. When we think ‘objectively’, we tend to equate that to scientific thinking, or logic, or rationality. However, it is not, at all. For objectivity to be anything other than unconditional love, is a misnomer. So whatever the ‘problem’ is, whatever is thought to be the ‘catalyst’ - love that. Don’t force yourself, reveal yourself, in loving that. A specific example easily comes to mind for me...kids are playing, loudly, downright crazy style...there could be a tendency for me to adopt the perspective “I’m trying to write here for fuck sakes, go somewhere else”. But, the trut is, I totally love it. I love their playing, and the craziness. I will miss it when it is no longer appearing. I love it indeed very much. There is the implication that there is a small ‘emotional processing’ which transpired in that example. A ‘getting from’ the intuitive perspective of “get TF out of here kids”...to “I actually love it”, but there is not. This you could say is post-backwards-path-completion. I hope you get what I’m saying there, in the keep Letting Go - it is most worthwhile, sense. 

Relate that to the keeping of a dream journal. When you wake up in the morning, with the remnant of a dream still lingering - write it down, and literally just drop it. The emotions related to the interpretation of the dream will subside as you go on about your day. Then, later in the evening when they day is done’ so to speak, go back in a good mood, with the perspective of ‘now I’ll go read that juicy nugget unconditonal love sent’, and read what you wrote down as if it were God ‘itself’ saying - “here is precisely what you do not need to be carrying, what you do not need to worry about”. 

 

Now there is no not make this about ‘the path’, awakening, enlightenment, etc. If you notice you did / are, then you have or are conceptualizing it. That is the one thing we don’t want to transpire. Feeling can not be thought, in spite of pretty much everyone pretending it can. Make this tangible, about things in your life that feel good to you, and that are relieving & relaxing. Anything from choosing a perspective which resonates, to checking yourself into a spa / retreat center. Maybe this is possible for you where you’re at in life now, maybe not quite possible now, but I hope & think you get the bigger point I’m trying to make. 

If all of this was to be washed away in the activities of days, and a single key point were to be derived and remembered, it would be that the breath is in a sense the compass. Thinking / thought is ‘outward’, Source is inward. Breathing truly is the ‘breathe of life’, and is one of the last illusions to go. Breathing = feeling, so we always, always, always ‘return to the breath’ for ‘connection’ or experiential ‘grounding’. 

[TripleFly]

If sanity is lost then what's enlightenment worth?

just surrender now. 

give it a rest.

 

Like there's a lot of resistance. You're a brave guy to try and go up against that. For now I am more about going with the flow of least resistance. but like, out of a little concern since I have done stupid things to move past my resistances, just be weary that you don't add trouble to your life that you don't need. 

Edited September 16, 2020 by TripleFly

[Someone here]

@electroBeam whatever you are doing or have done that you know is contributing to this..... Stop it.

[electroBeam]

@Nahm Thanks Nahm, been reading your post multiple times a day and they've helped a hell.

The fear seems to have subsided, but now a tragedy feeling has arisen from seeing the core of my life never really happened. This has just been roller coaster.

I been slapping myself across the face a lot. You know this shit really works. 

[Nahm]

@electroBeam

Awesome to hear. Lol, it is a bit obnoxious but damned if it doesn’t work. I would argue that particular tragedy feeling isn’t the feeling, and that the feeling is politely whispering that the only real tragedy is missing the actuality of what is / ‘now’... to any concerns of things that never happened. 

[electroBeam]

So the fuck up happened, and the energy raised to a point where it went to the point of no return. 

Once that happened, there was an extremely subtle shift in perspective. 

You're an egg. An adorable, caring, innocent, well meaning, loving, compassionate egg. In duality called the present moment. 

All humans are just a silhouette of raw intelligence. They don't have opinions, a worldview, beliefs, etc. They are just a surface or appearance. Each human is unique and special in their own way, and no human is better than any other human. Every human deserves love and care. The unique aspects of each human is what makes the egg as a whole special. Such a diverse amount of aspects to this egg. This egg can and does dream up whatever it wants, in a very loving and innocent way. 

You can't really hate any human, because there's nothing to hate of a human. Because the only thing you can hate is the stuff beyond the surface or appearance of the human, and that does not exist. 

Each human is appearing to pretend to not know anything about the egg. And every human is pretending to be everywhere but the egg. Pretending to be in Japan, South Korea, US, stage purple, stage turquoise, woman, man, psychopathic, schizophrenic, exploring some dmt machine elf realm. 

Some of you are rocking it in those pretend realms, which is lovely to see. Some of you not so much. But you're all right here, with me in the end. 

Its like imagine a paper cut out of the earth, like 2 pages of an atlas. You're all pretending to be around the globe, the guys on the top right of the piece of paper are calling someone with a phone on the bottom left of the paper, pretending they are too far away to talk to each other, but in the end, if you really wanted to, you could wake up and see that you're both just on the same page. 

Some of you are sailing an adventure in the middle of the map, some of you are relaxing on the left of the map, its cool to see all of you doing your shit on the map at once, while knowing you're all safe, because all the realms you guys are in is imaginary. Even if you die while sailing, you're coming right back to me. 

You can't really get jealous of 1 human getting something that you aren't getting, or achieving something that you aren't, because what they're getting isn't actually there. And the only thing of value they could truly get, is loving you. 

You can't even get jealous of 1 human waking up while you don't, because that human hasn't truly woken up until you have. 

There are some humans who are toxic, while there are others that are healthy. The healthy ones are just the ones that are more in touch with you. All the gurus, good human beings, all the people that helped you in your life, were just you all along. 

There were some people you really loved in your life, they might have left through death or breakup. The things you loved about them, was just the fact that you yourself were shining through them. And you never lost yourself. Just pretended to.

You've never been rejected by anyone before. Because those people don't have opinions, worldviews or thoughts. The rejection was just a product of believing you are separate to them. It was believing that you are some entity separate from reality, and the belief that they saw you the same way. But in reality, you're not a separate entity from reality, and they don't see you that way because they don't see at all. They are just you. Real, but you. 

Everything that hurts, causes suffering, or fear, is just falsely believing in stuff beyond the egg. There's not hurt or suffering in the egg. Only when you pretend to go beyond it. 

You're POV is the only POV that exists, and you are God, but that does not mean that you can't get love from gurus, or other beings. Another being helping you, is you helping you. Which is valid and makes sense and is possible. All the help you got from waking up, was from you all along. Because those other beings are you. You aren't superior to them, because you are them. You don't know more than them because you are them. You're with them, being them, living side by side by them. 

[Loving Radiance]

On 16.9.2020 at 7:13 PM, Nahm said:

There is no point beyond this experience right now, because there is no thing beyond this experience right now. If you are not enjoying the experience of right now, for ‘it’s’ own sake, regardless of whatever appears to be ‘going on’, it will not feel quite right. [...] There is an apparent added layer, in that it is tempting to then say that the thoughts / perspectives are the catalyst. Experientially, they are. But in actuality they are not.

Experience is thought & actuality is this?

[VeganAwake]

Yes this all sounds like ego backlash coupled with burning out or overworking the mind... ❤

Eckhart Tolle has a lot of great information in this area... chilling out and just witnessing these thoughts arise.

 

[electroBeam]

@VeganAwake at the time, im not sure eckhart tolle would have done it for me. These were the last moments the entire universe was about to dissolve. The ego didn't know what that was gonna be like, so it dreamt up stories about insanity that seemed extremely true considering the entire world dissolving for an ego = undefined land. 

Chilling out would have rapidly increased the dissolving of the universe, that's actually what caused the insanity, was chilling out and letting go, and those things = massive existential fear. So at the time, I would have been scared as fuck to just chill out. It would have been the last thing I wanted to do. 

You need to rip the bandaid off quick and fast in such a scenario. You need to jump into it very quickly. The slower you go, the more painful it is. 

Also there was(and even after) massive massive massive amounts of bliss energy that was dissolving everything. And its very hard to just chill and relax when massive waves of bliss energy are destroying the entire universe, or making you have dementia or go insane or get some disorder like schizophrenia, as the ego assumed.

Especially when you're in the matrix and you're driving, or going to the gym, or working. Having that happen in a meeting while you believe the 3D matrix is real, is not something you can just chill and relax over hahahah. 

It will be very intense and traumatic(until of course, the ego dies, and all the karma and trauma and fear dies along with it), and that's the way it is, that's what you have to accept, and you need to face it head on. 

And no one can convince you its gonna be ok on the other side, because your ego cannot fathom the other side. Of course, that's why the ego dies on the other side. 

[VeganAwake]

Hopefully it settles down ❤