Fear of being Homosexual

[holisticbeing]

Hello,

 

Ill jump right to the start, in a 24m. At no point in the history of my life have I ever been attracted to men. Within the last 2 years I have been doing a lot of inner work and the passed 1 year I have done a fair amount of psychedelics, varying in substance. Then at the beginning of COVD I was seeing this girl and mid-intercourse the thought came in my head "Im gay" and it derailed the whole situation massively. Admittedly I probably gave it to much power. For weeks after it plagued me daily for hours, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I live in an unrepressed household and society, so I'm not afraid of homosexuality at all. I have homosexual friends and never had an interest or care about their sex life. 

About 3 weeks after I finally got my thought under control and started dosing lsd weekly for 1.5 months. It subsided with that, but still had some anxiety about it. Then it can back, so I waited 3 weeks to dose again trying to get my thoughts under control. Took 500ug and had a horrible time, which royally fucked me up for awhile after. Still feel kinda twisted with intrusive thoughts. The whole time I saw dicks everywhere. Then I started having crazy amounts of homosexual thoughts, passive and active. Alot revolved around a few close friends. Then some really far out ones, disturbing in nature. Just to be safe I saw a therapist to affirm my sanity. Used that as shadow work. Albeit, looking back I have slowly developed this fear of being gay since I first started taking psychedelics.

However, the gay ones are back. Im not ashamed to admit a man is attractive. I know what some people's reply is gonna be, "your gay". Sure, I considered that, while is wasn't what I desired in a sense. So I watched some gay porn on a few occasions with no avail in gaining an erection. I can meditate on sex with a women and get and erection then switch to men and loose it. So, I guess have 2 questions:

1) What are your interpretations of this homosexual thing? it brings me alot of anxiety.
 

2) its been 4 months since that trip and I still feel "off". I have taken 1.5 grams of shrooms on one occasion, flooded with nonsensical intrusive thoughts. DMT then MDMA on others. What are your experiences with bad trips and recovering? It has left me very unmindful.

 

Peace!

Edited September 16, 2020 by holisticbeing

[The0Self]

500ug without losing quite a bit of memory of the experience or having an ego death indicates, to me, that you were holding-on tightly. When “you“ try to control anything when in such a powerful state, the mind will rebel, because control was never possible by the nonexistent ego, which you’re automatically identifying with if “you“ seek to “do” anything at all. Basically self judgement fuels all this. You’re judging it as weird or wrong or just plain uncomfortable or annoying. Just about everyone when going out far enough into intense spiritual territory, whether through psychedelics or meditation, will have experiences that seem to correlate with a sexual orientation other than the one they identify with. Practice being perfectly okay with the prospect of being gay. Though it seems you certainly aren’t gay, that’s not the point. Maybe be aware of the judgements (or whatever you experience) and see them as not me; not mine — especially the feelings of disgust at yourself, if they do arise.

Edited September 16, 2020 by The0Self

[Flowerfaeiry]

hOCD (homosexual ocd) is a real thing. Google it and gain more information about it. I think with these types of things you really have to work on being ok with the unknown. Maybe you're gay, maybe you aren't. You don't know that yet. Sit in the discomfort if you are able. 

[JosephKnecht]

15 hours ago, holisticbeing said:

Took 500ug and had a horrible time, which royally fucked me up for awhile after. Still feel kinda twisted with intrusive thoughts. The whole time I saw dicks everywhere. 

The repressed thoughts and desires of the Ego can get released under the influence of psychedelics. 

Psychedelics make you more openminded precisely because they open your mind to a new way of experiencing reality. 

Maybe the large LSD trip opened your mind to a new way of seeing sexuality. Now you just have to make sense of it. 

[Michal__]

Most people are bisexual to an extent. 

[holisticbeing]

@JosephKnecht Context of the whole post man. Captioning part at taking it out of context to give advice already stated that ive tried doesn't help. 

 

@Michal__  yeah man, I know I know. we are all somewhere on the spectrum. 

 

appreciate both your intention tho

[holisticbeing]

@The0Self yeah your probably right. I was ripped in half, that's where my mind twisted to shit and didn't know anything, even the substance I took or amount. 

[holisticbeing]

@Flowerfaeiry yeah, seeing someone already, done shit ton of erp. I guess im just trying make use of something which seems to have no purpose, in an alchemical sense. I guess im just trying to turn a downer into not so much of one if I can turn something positive about it

[Michal__]

18 minutes ago, holisticbeing said:

@Flowerfaeiry yeah, seeing someone already, done shit ton of erp. I guess im just trying make use of something which seems to have no purpose, in an alchemical sense. I guess im just trying to turn a downer into not so much of one if I can turn something positive about it

Remember, if you manage to accept it you will be able to have double the fun.

[Lyubov]

I would stop gaslighting yourself and breathe deeply into accepting the unknown. If thoughts that come up that don't feel right or are full of judgement and tension work on letting them go. Journal about the thoughts and feelings that come up, contemplate it and ask yourself where it comes from in your life. This is not an uncommon experience at all. Plenty of people have intrusive and unpleasant thoughts. They tend to flair up especially when entering consciousness work. Love yourself no matter what. Know this and reaffirm this to yourself daily. 

Edited September 17, 2020 by Lyubov

[Rolo]

I found some of Oshos teachings helpful. There arent many teachers that talk about the topic of sexuality because they sit in a chair and talk about faeries and angels expecting people to find a needle in a haystack. https://www.phys.uni-sofia.bg/~viktor/wisdom/osho/homosexuality.html