Overcoming the need for fetishes

[paradiseengineering]

 25 y/o male here.

In the last years I have gone from being super insecure with no experience, to now sleeping with quite a lot different girls. I recently started sleeping with a girl who have ben my crush for a year.

Its very clear that she like me a lot. We have had amazing sex, but one problem I face with her and several girls I have dated, is that I often struggle getting turned on sexually.

Since I was a little kid I have had pretty strong sexual fetishes. They are pretty harmless things like piercings and weird makeup/ hair. The problem is that I have spendt 10+ years masturbating to theese fetishes, and they are sort of imprinted in my brain now.

This girl im dating now is so beautiful and sexy and is hands down the prettiest girl I have dated. She looks very natural tho (triggers none of my fetishes), and this makes getting a boner not as easy for me, even if I feel so turned on emotionally. I have dated 3 other girls in 2020 and all theese had pretty wild styles (piercings, crazy hair etc) and getting an erection with theese girls is very easy for me since beside the sex, they also fulfill some kind of fetish.

Its not that i dont get turned on by the natural female body, the erections are just so much weaker. I have only mentioned this to a few people in my life.

This can clearly be a challenge for my sex life and I am posting this to get some advice on what to do. I dont mind having fetishes, but I dont want to rely on them to get boners with girls I find super attractive.

Thanks for reading

Edited September 14, 2020 by paradiseengineering

[Hello from Russia]

We are not reddit, bro!

Try contemplating what lies below these fetishes. Why do you care about them so much? Is it really who you authentically are/want to be? The answer can be both yes and no, but only you can find out

Also, do you still masturbate? If so, how often?

Edited September 14, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[paradiseengineering]

2 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

We are not reddit, bro!

Try contemplating what lies below these fetishes. Why do you care about them so much? Is it really who you authentically are/want to be? The answer can be both yes and no, but only you can find out

Also, do you still masturbate? If so, how often?

Thanks for your comment! The post was originally posted on Reddit, but I forgot to remove that part. 

 

As a kid I had a upbringing where looking alternative and edgy was very looked down upon from my parents and community. I never felt like I could express and be myself as a kid. Seeing pictures of on the internet of edgy looking girls on the internet with many piercings and tattoos seemed like something that was so unacceptable and forbidden in my culture. The shock of seeing these "shocking" things as a kid also releases dopamine, wich made me go back to it over and over.

 

I masturbate about once a week with no visual stimulation other than my imagination. 

[Rolo]

its good your dealing with this now, there are men in their 50s 60s that still struggle with this problem. 

20 hours ago, paradiseengineering said:

theese had pretty wild styles (piercings, crazy hair etc) and getting an erection with theese girls is very easy for me since beside the sex, they also fulfill some kind of fetish.

maybe talk to the girl about your fetishes. This girl may not have all the crazy hair and piercings on the outside, but on the inside she might share similar fantasies. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Why overcoming it rather embrace it.  Will die from laughter. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Lyubov]

Accept yourself fully for it and drop all judgement of it I wouldn't look at this as something to judge or scron yourself over but accept and love. 

[Thestarguitarist14]

Behind every fetish there is a reason.  For example, people who like to perform l bdsm and dominate usually feel powerless.  People who like to be dominated usually feel overwhelmed with responsibility.  Find out what is that you are looking to satisfy with that fetish.

[Roy]

People can have mild preferences and kinks for sure nothing wrong with that, but realize most fetishes are the result of someone who has come desensitized to common sexuality and needs to find more intense or "taboo" things to satisfy themselves.

What you probably need is a break from sex/porn for a while and to purify/reset that part of your life, so when you come back to it it's with a healthier perspective and attraction to most women again instead of just your fetish.

Edited September 17, 2020 by Roy

[Michal__]

What helped me was a multi day fast for some reason.

[Aaron Truth]

I used to have the issue also. I would get the hottest girls and really cute ones and still have difficulties getting t up in bed with them, but girls who were to me not as pretty I would have no issues. It was totally psychological. I visited a meditation center and after much work there, I met a lady who worked with me on the deep issues I was facing. Then when she would ask me to go to a place in my childhood and throw away the pictures of it. I was surprised that the deep buried memories were causing an emotional reaction in me. I would get a raging boner in the middle of the session. It was these triggers I was not realizing I was attached to.

My issue was then if I did get it up with my exwife it took me 3 hours to even finish I would go on and on sex and no orgasm. This inability to orgasm ALSO stemmed from past experiences of anxiety. Those sexual moments of self discovery I had in my preteen and teens that I was still emotionally attached to. Even though I was embarrassed about this boner now standing in front of her she was mature about it. She asked if I need to go to the bathroom. I excused myself and then come back and she worked with me to get past it (Took maybe a month of visits I think) and I would gradually improve where I would have the memory but the emotion was no longer attached. I thank her for being mature about such a sensitive subject for men and not making me shy further away from the issue, It is very few people that will face your demons with you in this world. 

My issue was then if I did get it up with my exwife it took me 3 hours to even finish I would go on and on. This inability to orgasm ALSO stemmed from past experiences of anxiety.

This is life and reality that is happening and learned to accept it then throw it away. I did this technique REPEATEDLY as they had trained me and trust me it WORKS!! 

I had no issues getting it up with my now very attractive fiancee, the kind of girl I thought I would never have a steady relationship with is today a reality. 

[paradiseengineering]

On 15.9.2020 at 7:08 AM, neutralempty said:

I would go with whatever is the most painful to give up/bring yourself to.

And maybe lower your saturated fat and cholesterol intake to 0.

And maybe reduce sex frequency.

<3

Thanks! 

Can you explain what you mean by:

"I would go with whatever is the most painful to give up/bring yourself to."

[Osaid]

Maybe no-fap or some sort of dopamine detox

[paradiseengineering]

16 hours ago, Keyhole said:

I would see a therapist, especially one who specializes in sexuality. They will be able to give you a proper answer that would give you a better chance at working through some of these problems. Issues with sexuality are usually very deeply rooted and this forum will not be able to get to the root of what is causing your fetish, and how to expand your sexual preferences. 

A professional will be able to give you the advice and time that you need in order to unravel why you're having some issues with being sexually dysfunctional with normal looking women. 

And look on the bright side at least your fetish isn't super weird.

Thats a good idea, thank you.

[hamedsf]

I see no problem with fetishes, those are great. you and me as different men have different fetishes, however if you tell that it causes you problems simply stay away from masturbation and thinking about those fetishes for the longer period of time. it might be hard to make those neural connection to prune away but it's worth tryin' 

[StarStruck]

90 day no fap/no orgasm rewires the brain. I'm doing no fap right now because I have the same issues but different fetishes. 

It is just about how you program your brain. To put it very bluntly: you need the old neural path ways to die and then sproud new ones. 

Also stop thinking about fetishes. Rather think about regular girls in your day to day sexual fantasies.