How to deal with "neediness" from GF

[Farnaby]

Hi! 

I've noticed that I enjoy being present with my girlfriend, spending time with her, being intimate (not only sexually), as long as I'm not asked to give any of those things.

Especially when I'm not feeling in the mood to give a hug for example, I feel pressure if I'm asked for one. If I give it, I feel like it's fake and forced and if I don't I feel guilty. 

I put "neediness" into quotation marks because I'm not sure if that's actually being needy or just expressing normal human needs. Personally, I don't like asking for affection, because when I get it like that I feel like the other person isn't giving it because she wants to but because I asked.

I feel better when I go with the flow and let things happen naturally without having to ask for those kind of things. I may go for a hug, but not ask for it if I sense the other person isn't receptive or in the mood. When I've done that, it never satisfied me.

I guess my question is if this is a natural reaction or some kind of learnt behavior. 

The same actually happens when my family expects me to call/visit them and I feel like I have to do it unless I want to feel guilty. 

Thanks a lot!

[Gesundheit]

@Farnaby I think the problem at its core is one of different spiral dynamics stages. You're probably at some individualistic stage, and they're at some collective stage. But perhaps spiral dynamics isn't the best model to use here. Have you watched Leo's new series on ego development? I have only watched the first part, but they're 3 parts in total. I think there is a great chance you'll find the answers you're seeking there.

[LessonsSavesLifes]

@Gesundheit dude that has little to do with this.

[LessonsSavesLifes]

@Farnaby You may have different love languages. The girl most likely has some form of trauma in her past, childhood, breakups, poor self esteem etc. 

If she is is needly just test her. Tell her you need a couple days to focus on something very important and free of any distractions. That you won't contact her besides a goodnight text for 3 days. 

If she can not handle this, then there may be trouble down the line for you guys.

 

Quote

"The same actually happens when my family expects me to call/visit them and I feel like I have to do it unless I want to feel guilty."

Don't let anyone make you feel like this, it's not the best. Unless they are dying of sickness or you love them and want to call. Don't feel guilty, Stay on your purpose. Everyone seems to want your attention once you get a sense of drive. 

Your time is the most valuable thing, you cant save, you can only spend it. Don't spend it feeling guilty.

[Gesundheit]

51 minutes ago, LessonsSavesLifes said:

@Farnaby 

Don't let anyone make you feel like this, it's not the best. Unless they are dying of sickness or you love them and want to call. Don't feel guilty, Stay on your purpose. Everyone seems to want your attention once you get a sense of drive. 

Your time is the most valuable thing, you cant save, you can only spend it. Don't spend it feeling guilty.

That's exactly how someone at an individualistic stage would think. This, however, does not compute for people at collective stages.

[Preety_India]

 

I sense that there is a problem with your girlfriend. 

If she is too needy then she is being a bit over the top. She needs to chill. 

Maybe she is not the best person for you. I can't tell from all the information. 

But it looks like she is the type who makes you do things. 

 

[Farnaby]

@Gesundheit that's possible, but I think it has more to do with our attachment styles. I'll watch the videos though, thanks

@LessonsSavesLifes I actually have no problem and like connecting to people intimately (especially my girlfriend and some friends, with my family I'm still very closed off because they judge and project a lot). 

The problem arises when I feel like people demand my presence and affection and I find myself facing 2 options:
1) Do for them what they are asking from me, without really feeling it
2) Not do it and feel guilty for it

I usually explain to my GF how I feel when this happens and why I don't like choosing option number 1 but she says she doesn't understand why it's difficult for me to show affection when she needs it. She kind of implies "that should be easy and not feel like an effort if you love the other person". And that's right, it is easy and doesn't feel like an effort, when I'm not pressured to give it lol.

@Preety_India Thanks for sharing your opinion! I think we're both relatively emotionally stable. Don't want you to think that this happens all the time and with lots of drama and fighting. 

But I do think that she has a harder time regulating herself when she feels bad and needs another person to be there for her.

She doesn't make me do things, but sometimes there is what feels like a subtle emotional manipulation as if she was saying "if you loved me, it shouldn't be hard for you to give me love when I need it".

And as I said above, it isn't hard for me when I don't feel manipulated and I'm actually a guy who enjoys hugging her, cuddling, laughing together, and so on. Just not 24/7 and I don't like feeling like I have to be available to do it every time other people need it. That leads to me being more avoidant but at the same time I feel guilty for not being able to satisfy her needs. I usually start to overthink: "what if she's right and I'm too cold", "maybe I should be able to do it", "maybe sometimes we gotta do things for other people even if we don't feel like it"...

Edited September 14, 2020 by Farnaby

[Gesundheit]

@Farnaby Ah, I see. So basically it's similar to procrastination. You can do anything at ease unless you have to do it. I don't know, maybe research into that if you haven't already. Stress hormones like cortisol affect your emotional system and they tend to close you off. How would you describe your situation regarding stress?

[hamedsf]

lead her, don't ask for permission 

[Schnaby]

Do you only get “intimate” on your schedule? It would be unfair to your gf if you only give in to her intimately on your own time, and not meet her half way when she needs affection. My boyfriend is like this. luckily I like cats, so I understand he is like a cat, and only wants to be loved when he wants to be loved. I understand he also doesn’t come from a loving family, and I come from an overly affectionate family. I don’t even try to hug him or give him affection at all since it’s understood that he cringes at it. I appreciate the hug and kiss goodbye but the embrace is quick and certainly does not fulfill my hunger for a deep bear hug, but I can get that affection from my friends or relatives. Although it upsets me, it’s not the end of the world. But if your Gf likes random acts of affection, I believe simple touches and hugs can go a long way and doesn’t need to be sexual. 

[Darlisto]

People in general don't have perfect self-esteem and do require validation from time to time. When we're not in a relationship we need to validate ourselves constantly, but that is the beautiful thing that stems from a relationship, you can give that validation and recognition to eachother.  Try to give her that extra small compliment from time to time, this has a grat chance of enhancing her self-esteem massively in the long term, which in turn will make her less needy to external validation, approval and recognition. When you're in a relationship, you have the power to mold and create the other person. 

Edited November 5, 2020 by Darlisto