Help And Opinions On Going No Contact With My Mom

[isabel]

Hi,

So I stopped talking to my mom, I thought about it for years before I actually did it, then one day in June I just stopped answering the phone and I haven't talked to her since.

My reasons are because of the way that she views me as a person. Going back as far as I can remember she has taught me to believe that I am evil, worthless, inferior to all other people in a way that can never be fixed, she thinks I'm a liar, that I want to hurt people, that my father never wanted me, that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I don't deserve help from her or anyone even if I am in desperate need... (I could go on for a year but you get the basic idea, anyway I don't like that so I don't want to talk to her anymore.)

She has been talking to my sister. She has told her that "she had no idea" that she ever did anything wrong and that I am "just assuming" that things have happened. But they did happen, I remember. I'm not assuming anything.

She is also saying that she's sick now and has to be on medication and that it's my fault because she's so upset about me not talking to her. But I don't get that, I have been in trouble in the past, real trouble, and she never got sick over what was happening to me, she made it very clear that she did not care at all.

She never got sick or had any emotions about not seeing me or not talking to me when it was her choice. I know she doesn't care, but why is she pretending to care?? I don't get it.

Anyway, my sister is my only friend, and I thought the only person in the world who understood, but now I don't know, she seems to be on my mom's side now, she thinks that I did something wrong by cutting contact and she said that she agreed with my mom about how I am assuming things even though she was there when they happened! She knows they really did happen.

My mom is "working on her" hard. She's convincing her that I am the bad one, like always.  I'm so afraid that she will take my sister away from me now, what should I do?

Thank you!

 

 

Edited August 17, 2016 by isabel

[Frogfucius]

@isabel Cutting out toxic people is necessary. Your mom is immature, especially for blaming you for her sickness. She won't change, even if you do talk to her. So good on you for cutting her out. You don't owe her a thing. She's so incredibly miserable with her own life, she needs an outlet for her emotional abuse, and sadly that's been you. There are a lot of parents out there like that, and it's hard to not take it personally.

As for your sister, if she's going to side against you, there's nothing you can do about it. Even if you do talk to her and try and reason with her. Let her go if she mistreats you. If she's going to be swayed by your mother despite knowing the truth about you and your situation, then your sister is also a toxic person.

Best of luck to you! If you have to go it alone for now, that's better than letting toxicity poison your emotional well-being.

[Ayla]

@isabel ,

 

[Matthew Lamot]

11 hours ago, isabel said:

Hi,

So I stopped talking to my mom, I thought about it for years before I actually did it, then one day in June I just stopped answering the phone and I haven't talked to her since.

My reasons are because of the way that she views me as a person. Going back as far as I can remember she has taught me to believe that I am evil, worthless, inferior to all other people in a way that can never be fixed, she thinks I'm a liar, that I want to hurt people, that my father never wanted me, that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I don't deserve help from her or anyone even if I am in desperate need... (I could go on for a year but you get the basic idea, anyway I don't like that so I don't want to talk to her anymore.)

She has been talking to my sister. She has told her that "she had no idea" that she ever did anything wrong and that I am "just assuming" that things have happened. But they did happen, I remember. I'm not assuming anything.

She is also saying that she's sick now and has to be on medication and that it's my fault because she's so upset about me not talking to her. But I don't get that, I have been in trouble in the past, real trouble, and she never got sick over what was happening to me, she made it very clear that she did not care at all.

She never got sick or had any emotions about not seeing me or not talking to me when it was her choice. I know she doesn't care, but why is she pretending to care?? I don't get it.

Anyway, my sister is my only friend, and I thought the only person in the world who understood, but now I don't know, she seems to be on my mom's side now, she thinks that I did something wrong by cutting contact and she said that she agreed with my mom about how I am assuming things even though she was there when they happened! She knows they really did happen.

My mom is "working on her" hard. She's convincing her that I am the bad one, like always.  I'm so afraid that she will take my sister away from me now, what should I do?

Thank you!

 

 

You must not get involved in this, you cannot do anything about it.  One of the things a mother like this knows is even if they do lose the battle for a family member, in the process they have caused so much misery and anxiety because of the struggle that is enough for them to get their desire for power met.

They need it because their desires getting met for them means emotional regulation, which means that their agitated mind only seems to let up when getting their desires met from the outside.

So why give her the satisfaction of draining YOUR energy as well as your sisters?  This might sound cold hearted, but if you analyse what Im saying closely you will find that it is now in your best interest to cut this bullshit out of your life completely so you can heal.  You can't control your mum, you cant control your sister.  And as painful as it might be to sit back and watch your sister be manipulated, the more you fight this the more energy you will waste and your mother knows it!

Be unconcernd.  Let it happen, and be centred in yourself and your life, living your life, plugging the hole in your mind that was draining your self worth.  Fill up self worth again and be a good example for your sister.  If she is wise she will come to you because that's where the sanity is.  

(Talking from personal experience)

 

[Matthew Lamot]

@isabel

Also isabel, while you are away from this situation I have some advice for your healing.  

Become aware of your own desires for safety, respect, love...whatever is there inside you, that is not currently being done for you from people on the outside.

Admit those desires.

Then understand that you are already full, non dual, limetless and that nothing that ever happened to you in life has ever changed you.

Contemplate this, and contemplate that because you dont already believe that you are limetless being, your mind creates all sorts of desires for you to get resolved from the outside (love, attention, respect etc etc...)

If you stop chasing the things you desire, and instead let your attention rest inside your awareness, the wants will slowly subside and you will begin to heal and your mind will start to realize that you are already whole and that nothing from the outside can add anything to you.

Try it out

[isabel]

Everybody, thank you so much! This is helping me more than you know...

[Saarah]

@isabel this is all manipulation tactics, just remember you've identified why you stopped talking to your mum and don't give in to any pressure 

people hardly change and so if you ever do get in contact again you'd once again be hit with the same sort of behaviour 

if you feel any sort of empathy for your mum having cut her off then that's fine, and you may still care about her, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with all this for her sake 

 

[CosmoFury]

Don't know what to tell you on what your dealing with right now. But i can also relate. I too once stopped talking to my mother  during a very difficult time in my early teens. and it went on for months. Total silence, not a single word to her. Even years later she still sees me as that person. she doesn't like to let go and move on. and even tries to convince everyone that im still that person, in hiding, that somethings very wrong with me. And they listen and treat me differently. It's like shes frozen in time. even with all this refusal to change and spreading lies that go on every day, One Thing i know for sure is to hang in there and know that eventually, it's all gonna be okay.  Besides, whats the worst that can happen? She still sees me the same?

[Jacobsen]

Family members are just people.

If a relationship is dysfunctional, it is dysfunctional.

People only have power over you when you give them that power

Take responsibility and sieze power over your life.