Strangeness/Paradox of Acceptance vs Change, need help

[electroBeam]

There is a paradox that's causing lots of suffering which I'd like to resolve. 

I'm not sure how to live the best life possible. And I know there's the few here who will say that life is already perfect and the best life possibe, I just don't realize it yet. That may be true, but I don't realize it yet so here we are.

This is a paradox that I've run into for years now, and I oscillate back and forth between the 2. 

The one side is accepting who I am, the way things are, the way others are and the way the path is unfolding. The other is having the self discipline, courage, motivation, willpower, sincere desire to seek, to take action to improve my life.

And in my experience, these 2 aren't harmonious between each other. They lock horns a lot. Usually what happens is, I'll go extremely to the acceptance end, but then be dissatisfied with the way things are, and so I'll swing all the way over to the other end and put effort (both kriya and karma) into changing my life. Then I'll realise that I'm doing lots of effort, but the final piece to the puzzle can only be unlocked through letting go and acceptance, so then I'll swing back to the acceptance end, etc. 

In meditation for example, I'll go hard core at practices, but then get super frustrated because I just get to where I want. So then I'll give up. And then as I give up (and let go) I get exactly what I want. And then I let go for a long time, and I become dissatisfied as nothing is changing, so then I'll go hard core at the practices again till I burn out again. 

And this happens not just in meditation, but in my career and relationships too. I'll go hard core at striving for what I want, burn myself out. Then finally peacefully relax for a while, then get dissatisfied with my career, burn myself out again.

And in my career specifically, is the paradox of learning new content, planning the future, questioning what I want out of my career, etc. Vs just being in the present moment and just fucken enjoying my job instead of planning about it so much. 

Am I being lazy and irresponsible for just choosing to enjoy my job and be in the present moment and not plan my future? Or am I just going deep into a thought rabbit hole by planning and contemplating what I want out of my career?

With my relationships, I'll go hard core at the technical aspects of game, like rehearsing the pickup approach word by word of my teachers, it works for a little while, then I go too far, it becomes inauthentic and robot like, so women stop liking it, it feels very wrong inside me, I suffer a lot, I burn myself out. Then I just approach the way I feel like and drop all the teachings, then women start getting extremely receptive as soon as I do the exact opposite thing of what I thought I should be doing. And then I get dissatisfied with my technical knowledge because I think there must be more, so then I do the cycle all over again.

And in relationships specifically, a huge paradox that's causing me lots of suffering is the paradox of being yourself vs growing yourself. What I have noticed is, there's the true me, the me I want to be, the me I enjoy and want to grow into. Then there's the inauthentic me that is more in line with what girls want. OR what girls have told me they want. For example, animalistic sex vs deep intimate sex, being anxious vs not being that anxious, being possessive with a girl, and making sure all the guys know she's mine, vs being detached and only protecting her if she needs it, etc. 

I don't know whether I'm suppose to strive to be more animalistic, possessive with a girl (whether by not doing that I'm being lazy) or whether I'm meant to just focus on being the real me (whether trying to be more animalistic, possessive is just going down a waste of time rabbit hole). There's valid points for both sides of the story. 

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And I think a big reason why I feel suffering, is because I can't tell the difference between genuinely accepting reality the way it is, and being lazy. I am super worried about being lazy and wasting my life away. And so I always just assume that I'm being lazy if I am not 100% sure, and I'm only 100% sure when I've burnt myself out. 

But if I go hard core at the practices too much, I'm also wasting time, because I could have gotten to the result quicker if I had accepted and let go earlier. And I would have been through less suffering.

And there's so much anxiety, tension, stress, fear, about the ambiguity of not knowing which side of the pendulum I'm suppose to be on. 

TL;DR

Can't balance the macro vs micro. The letting go vs discipline and practice. And its freaking me out and causing lots of suffering. 

 

[FlowerNote]

The letting go is mental : dont think about it, dont take thoughts seriously.

the discipline is the actual doing. It is completely irrelevant what the mind says. When im working out i literally trick my mind that this will be my last workout because my mind/painbody hates discomfort so much. All that discipline is is the actual doing of certain actions over a period of time. Its considered a virtue because you need to both use the mind (to remind yourself to do the actions and to plan it all out) but you also need to disregard the mind because it will try to stay comfortable.