i need help about dealing with my Mother

[Ingit]

Hello Everyone, I am back after quite a long time on this forum, hope everyone is doing well during the Pandemic.... I need some suggestions  because I don't seem to have left with any Choices. I am single son of my Mom and Dad,,,,,  My MOM believe in God so much,,,, will pray everytime,,,,she seems a bit very compulsive Speaker,,, SHe speaks all the time in the Home and Very Compulsive with Keeping the house clean,,, she Will curse me all the time,,, even though I have not done anything,,,,everytime,,,so will point out my mistakes ,,,, she will let me know everytime how I am not good and Will speak everytime about how I should be In the House,,,, I am a Medical Student and have to study most of the time,,,, But Everytime I am free... even though I dont talk with her,,she will find a way to curse me and tell me how I am not Good enough. I have no choice cannot change home or stuff until I got a Job,,,, She makes me feel anxious and depressed.... My father have no control over and she doesnt speak anything cuz he knows that she will continue to speak... SHe fights with me average all days of the MOnth.... I have no intention of doing bad to her,,,!!!!  Sometimes I think I would  file a complaint in the police but I am above 20 and there is no benifit for me as I cannot earn..... MAYBE I AM NOT ABLE TO DESCRIBE IN EXACT WORD BUT I AM VERY UPSET BY HER AND HER HABITUAL CURSING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN,,,, I need some suggestions HOW can I live in such a enviornment.  Feeling very sad with my life situation how much do I need to tolerate.

[Preety_India]

She is being abusive. 

You'll need to move out to get mental peace. 

Try to contact your friends for a separate living arrangement. 

 

[Ingit]

@Preety_India  Contact my friends For a living , You probably Indian, you know the situation here,,, I am trying my best But her vocals and 24 hrs vocal and compulsive speaking all the time makes me feel bad and irritated. I cant leave my house.. I have no intentions of anything  bad for her... But she cant see her and its me, upon whom she will rage out.... I 

[Preety_India]

@Ingit I know your situation as an Indian that's why I'm telling you to get another place on rent because she will affect your career. Wait till Covid is over and then you can find a part time job and pay some money to your friends and do a shared housing arrangement. 

 

[Jennjenn]

Move out as soon as you can. 
is not your fault that she acts like that. She sounds like she has some type of compulsive disorder, with the constant cleaning, etc. That same repetitiveness happens in her mind. It’s like a loop that she’s trapped on. Every time that she curses you, it could be because she has like and image or a perception going on a loop in her mind. Maybe talk to your father and tell him how you feel. But because she’s your mother and you love her deeply whatever she does to you is going to affect you deeply as well, so your best choice is to move out right away. 

[Opo]

@Ingit What would happen if you just told her to fuck off? But not in a mean way. 

 

[Rolo]

@Ingit  Dont react in a bad way, you will regret it.

[Opo]

1 hour ago, Rolo said:

@Ingit  Dont react in a bad way, you will regret it.

Maybe she will realize she can't abuse him whenever she feels like it and she will go look for another victim. 

Idn what is the best way to deal with her because she seems to have some mental illness. But for sure u shouldn't just be passive and let her abuse you. 

[Ingit]

I got you all guys.... I was looking for a better way to cope... Moving out is not going to help for me.... I cannot earn myself... And don't have much time because of lot of study hours.... I prefer keeping quiet but quite a lo of times I will argue and get entangled with her.... And then I start throwing words at her for the way she behaves. ? She seems to have a lot of expectations from me  and she force me into her decisions of how a life should be

[Ingit]

@Preety_India thank you.... I would take that into notice@Jennjenn

[Preety_India]

@Ingit you're welcome 

[yetineti]

@Ingit 

This sounds fucked up but it has worked.

Note: It will take a lot of confidence in yourself and self-reflection. Also, it will just be difficult. But it’s worked for me in a similar situation.

Just take it from her. Know relentlessly in you head that you don’t deserve any of it. That’s the most important part. You have to accept it’s not about you - it’s about her. It’s hard to accept our issues and sometimes it’s even harder to accept others, especially a loved one. Nonetheless my Dad is OCPD, depression + ADHD - so I get blame all of the time. Even when I know I don’t do anything wrong I just agree with them (without coming accords as sarcastic). I get blamed for something ‘So sorry you feel that way.’ Don’t say much more, just let the take their anger out on you. 
 

The trick to this is accepting yourself and that you didn’t do anything wrong. Between just letting my Dad yell at me, taking unwarranted blame and actually trying to act in a way that helps him/let’s him know I love him and will do whatever for him - things are much better. He actually then felt comfortable admitting some guilt to me. I got lucky there. 
 

It’s hard to just be a negativity sponge, especially from a loved one. Still, it works wonders. They get their anger out, you don’t blame yourself.

[Mada_]

I came to a point recently where I decided that other people aren't going to control me. 

My parents don't respect my boundaries a lot of the time, so I have started to communicate them more clearly e.g. When I'm doing yoga, can they please not enter the room disturb me. It is the same with toxic friends who want to reconnect with me. I feel like I want to be polite to them, but it is not worth it, so I just politely decline their offers. 

I have Indian friends, so I understand the family dynamic is very different to me (I am an anglo Australian). But my experience with this is that you can take control of the situation, and firmly set your boundaries of you see this as necessary. 

[No Self]

The main thing to be aware of is that the mother's neurotic/OCD/whatever behaviour will progressively cause more and more harm over time, and potentially affect your own relationships in later life.

By knowing this, you will know to detach as much as possible, or cop it without internalising (as if you were dealing with a child, or a mentally retarded person, which in some ways you are) and ensure you have a plan to leave in the future. Do not try to change her and do not try and have your point of view understood. We can drive ourselves to pathological rage by attempting impossible feats like that.