Why do my relationships end like this, they leave

[SaaraSabina]

Hi! 
I know that you guys here don’t know me personally but I really would like to hear your thoughts on why my relationships seem to end in the same way every single time. 
 

It’s non romantic relationships, even though some of them have been between me and men but on a friendship basis others are female friends. 
 

Anyway, the relationships seem to be going good. We both seem to know where we have the other person. Suddenly there’s tension, mostly after a while maybe 6 months in. I’ve got to see more of them and they of me. When the relationship ends which it seem to be doing every single time it’s always in matter. 
 

I get a long text sent to me where they describe my flaws, they make it out to be that I’m a both this and that type (bad) of person etc and many times their really rude. I don’t respond back in that sort of matter, I’ll read it trough and reflect on what’s being said and reply when I’m not in affect and able to see both sides at least in some ways. 
 

Anyways, either I’m a really bad human or I seem to be drawn to or draw people who are very needy and unstable to me or yes a combination of course. 
 

So what is it in me that makes this happen? What is it that triggers this? Why does this keep on occurring? 
 

Please try to help me, if I’m able to I’ll try to answer all your questions without giving away too much detail (if someone recognizes themselves when reading here). 
 

[universe]

Usually, when you get the same response over and over there is some truth to it. But there is too little information for me to try to understand what is going on.

How regular do you meet during these 6 month? In a group or not? Anything that stands out, what you find out about them / they find out abou you, that you/they don't like?

Any feedback that you got where you say that might be true or is definitely true? If yes, did you try to change anything?

Don't know it seems weird to me. I get that occasionally from dates but only if it doesn't work out in the beginning. But never rude. Either the people you meet have issues or you really rub them the wrong way.

[Gesundheit]

@SaaraSabina Care to share some of the criticism you've got? Keep it anonymous, no one knows who you are, but it could be of help to know what those people disliked about you.

[Leo Gura]

@SaaraSabina How many times has this happened?

[SaaraSabina]

This has happened with 3 different people, even though in very complicated situations. It’s not your “normal” type of person who I’ve engaged in. 

Everyone has something, but just like myself these people have had very traumatic childhoods and like myself often are pretty lonely. 

In one scenario I got to hear that I was taking advantage of one of them, that I knew all along that he was in love with me and he told me how bad of a person I was. I was a ego, I was a liar and I would never change. 

In one other scenario I told one of them that I couldn’t help, she was upset and called me late at night and wanted me to come over to her place over the night. I told her I couldn’t since it was too late and I’ve already planned the rest of the evening and was tired. When I said that she started to scream “no” that’s not true, and kept on going about how I’m not there for her, that no one ever is when she really needs it. After that I got a text telling me that she’s not going to be in any relationship with me any more and to have a good life. It’s like my own needs and emotions aren’t valid in this case. We both have the same situation being single moms on full time. I can’t just drop everything and go by train (1 hour) with my kid in the night to comfort her... sorry but no. 

But I spent 3 hours on the phone with her talking about her problems etc days before. Every time we planned something I’ve showed up never broke any promises etc and after me telling her no she tells me that I’m not a trustworthy person. 

We have been hanging together for a year or so some months seeing each other maybe once or twice a week others maybe just once a month but having contact by text or phone. 

With the dude in the first scenario we saw each other regularly. He was with us at least a few days a week. He was very lonely and I wanted to make him feel like he was a part of something since he didn’t have any family of his own and a very few friends. It didn’t think that he needed to be alone all the time when both we and he could need company. We also knew each other back in our teens. 

But it ended up like shit anyway. I didn’t know he was in love with me, nothing pointed to that especially since he was so odd and different and even said he was asexual at times... 

[Gesundheit]

@SaaraSabina lol are you picking damaged people exclusively? It sounds like you were simply unlucky to happen to meet these people. Nothing seems to be wrong with you. They were probably projecting their own shit onto you. If I were you, I would be glad and grateful that they moved out of my life by their choice, because otherwise I would have a hard time keeping them around, or if I got enough of them, to get rid of them. Gosh, and that woman sounds like she was using you, but when you set up some boundaries, rightfully so, she got triggered because she was not able to control you anymore. Honestly, I'd be very glad that such people are not in my life anymore.

[Leo Gura]

@SaaraSabina Sounds like you have a lot of inner work to do around low self-esteem, etc, which is why you are attracted to co-dependent relationships.

It's very common.

As you do inner work, as you improve your self-esteem, as you erect healthy boundaries with men, as you become more conscious -- your relationships with men will become a lot better. If not, they won't.

[universe]

Ah ok three times is not so much. I'd recommend you to make strong boundaries.

Make sure not to be a "people pleaser". If you said "Yes and amen" to her and help her all the time it kind of makes sense that she would be upset when you tell her no. Make sure you help each other in a healthy balanced way.

There are shitty people who treat others like a doormat but there are always two people needed for that to happen. And when you say no, don't explain yourself - that opens the door for some to try and argue with you, especially when you sound defensive. Just say "no I don't want to." or "no, sorry I don't have time but I'm free on sunday." for example.

The situation with the guy I see happening all the time and it is a classic form of miscommunication between man and woman. A girl told me recently she went on a date with a guy at his place. Then, because it was raining she decided to sleep there. In the night he wanted sex. She was shocked and surprised because he never showed any sign the whole time before.

It boils down to two things

• Man always think with their dick
• Some man (especially lonely ones) have no clue how to flirt with woman

So whenever you are alone with a guy that you don't have romantic interest in, you have to make that clear ALL THE TIME. Because some guys can't take hints, you have to make it really obvious. In my experience a true friendship between man and woman is not possible.

[Gesundheit]

@universe Great breakdown and advice.

3 minutes ago, universe said:

In my experience a true friendship between man and woman is not possible.

For men maybe, but for women it seems like the easiest thing there is. It's very common to see a woman getting shocked by her male friends thinking of more than friends, but it's very rare the other way around.

[Farnaby]

@SaaraSabina hi there! 

It's very positive that you're taking responsibility for your part and exploring what you may be bringing into these relationships. 

But be careful not to blame yourself or to take the full responsibility. 

To me it seems like both were projecting abandonment issues onto you as soon as you made your limits clear. Both reactions sound like borderline type reactions (when you're there for them you're the best, when not, they hate you and act out leaving the relationship). 

Of course, that's just a label and the important part is that both seemed to depend on you and not be able to tolerate the moments in which you didn't prioritize them. 

That's not your responsibility. However, you seem to be somehow drawn to these kinds of people and that's something you can explore. Do you usually hang out with emotionally unstable people?

Sometimes we resonate with the wounds of these people and we feel guilty if we don't help them. The problem is in the end you can't always be there for them and if they don't do their part of the work they'll depend on you and have withdrawal symptoms when you aren't available. 

I think you have clear boundaries but maybe you feel guilty when you apply them. Unfortunately, you will need to tolerate that guilt and discomfort unless you want to have co-dependent relationships. 

[SaaraSabina]

Not just with men it’s with woman as well. But with this lady, I’ve said no before. She even thought that I should babysit her child and take the day of from work to do so. I’ve just started a new job. 
 

And yes, this has to do with me obviously otherwise I wouldn’t find myself in these types of relationships. As Leo said. 
 

So how the hell am I going to start to build other types of relationships. Start from within, my self esteem and feeling unworthy. So where do I start to break the pattern. 

[SaaraSabina]

Sorry unable to quote and type reply’s new phone and I’m not a technical person at all ?

Yes these experiences has made me think that it’s all my fault even though I can see the unrealistic expectations people put on me. 
 

So it’s like be alone or do what others want you to to. And yes, mostly I do relate and connect with “damaged” people the other once don’t seem to want or need other people in their life’s. Their pleased as it is. 

[Gesundheit]

@SaaraSabina

It is said that at the root of every wound, there is a lack of self-love.

But I don't agree, because self-love is not a fixed thing that is universal for all humans at all times or parts of the world. Even for the same human being, self-love is different in each moment. What you may call abuse at one point may become self-love at another point.

So, imo and ime, it's pointless to search for problems within oneself, because everyone is always right from their pov. We can only be problematic relative to the social circles we hang out with. If we let them decide what we do, we won't be happy, which will manifest and in turn make others unhappy. And if we act completely indifferent of them, they won't be happy, which will make us unhappy as well.

The better route I've found is learning and observing. Bringing in more awareness into your life, and especially into your relationships. This alone should be enough. Make your relationships quality relationships. Build them slowly and authentically. Sit down with the question: "What do I actually want when I interact with people?". These will be your needs that you should try to fulfill. Write down all the things that you can find and make them your compass for all your interactions based on the type of relationship ie female-female friendship, male-female friendship, romantic relationship, mom-son relationship, etc...

[Martin123]

7 hours ago, SaaraSabina said:

So it’s like be alone or do what others want you to to. And yes, mostly I do relate and connect with “damaged” people the other once don’t seem to want or need other people in their life’s. Their pleased as it is. 

Hi SaaraSabina. I would encourage you to look deeply into this belief.

'I'ts like be alone or do what others want you to do.'... 

You are suggesting here that what people experience a relationship with you is only what they want from you, and you get nothing from it. Therefore you are going to feel like you're always doing something for them, but since your expectation and belief is that you don't personally get anything from relationships, they will be  one-sided.

So i'ts kinda like this - you get into a relationship, you don't allow yourself to communicate or even have emotional needs within that relationship, and when other people start communicating their needs (no matter how justifiable or trauma based they may be), it feels like an assault on you, because you will never ask for anything, and so when someone asks something of you it is an imbalance. Therefore the issue is that you deny yourself the privellege and pleasure of having your needs for connection, love and safety met from other people.

Here is a healing mantra if you'd like, that will help you make peace with this.

'I let go of denying myself,
because the only thing that results in self-denial,
is the denial of others.

The more I deny myself, 
the more I can only expect others to do the same,
and therefore can I see that self expression and communication
of my needs and emotions
is what ends self-denial within me and within others.

The more open and generous with my emotions, desires and feelings I allow myself to be with others,
the better I will feel,
and the greater relationships I will build and attract.'

One more thing.

Look into 'dismissive avoidant attachment style'.

 

 

[SaaraSabina]

Thanks for all the responses, especially about the dismissive avoidant. 

[Martin123]

@SaaraSabina I'm very glad you've found value in knowing your attachment style. It's one of the most impactful things we can learn about regarding our growth that doesn't only affect our relatoinships, but allows us to be better and thrive in all areas of our lives as we become more emotionally free, healed and fulfilled!

PS: If you do find it meaningful to work on your attachment style, I highly recommend sticking with the channel I sent you, she is probably by far the most helpful and advanced attachment style resource there is, even if you just go by her youtube channel and don't purchase any of the courses, the value she offers is incredible!

[SaaraSabina]

Sadly these people were almost everyone I had. But yes, knowing myself better is the way to go and Martin I’ve been watching a whole lot of her content and most definitely I’m a dismissive avoidant. Knowing this do make it easier for me and it’s quite interesting. But now I also must learn how to balance it, I can’t just accept whatever behavior thrown against me even though I surely keep people at distance. 

As I’ve experienced it, I often come across people who needs me to be their everything or nothing. And that has to do with me of course. Listening to her YT made me realize that these people probably have the anxious preoccupied attachment style which is not a good match at all. 
 

Anyway, I’ll keep digging in it and work on it. 

[Martin123]

@SaaraSabina Hi Saara!

 

8 minutes ago, SaaraSabina said:

As I’ve experienced it, I often come across people who needs me to be their everything or nothing. And that has to do with me of course. Listening to her YT made me realize that these people probably have the anxious preoccupied attachment style which is not a good match at all. 

I wouldn't go as far as to say that it isn't a good match. I would even say that the person's behavior is completely irrelevant. What for you as a DA should definitely be the focus is taking every relationship as an opportunity to practice vulnerability and openness. How they respond, is up to them. If they don't appreciate it and make the relationship insufferable for you, that is all good and well and you can set your boundaries and potentially leave. 

If you make it your goal to be more open and more vulnerable with each interaction, you're making the focus the healing of your attachment style. If healing your attachment style is the most important thing, then individuals' responses to you are merely about them, and what they need to heal within themselves, which is always a matter of their journey, and nothing you have to worry about.

The reason why I'm saying this is because ability to be vulnerable and open is its own reward, it is not a 'means to building a relationship', even though that can be a byproduct as well. Openness and emotional maturity is what over time cultivates fulfillment and happiness in your life, regardless of the conduct of others!