strange delusions and depression after moving back to the city

[UNZARI]

i just moved back from the middle of the desert back to my parents house with my girlfriend in the city so we can save up for an apartment. before coming back i was extremely excited and full of energy and vigor as i had been living in poverty but now i would be in a comfortable environment to work and create in. the first two days were great but around the 3rd day back a giant sorrow began to grow in my heart. then about a day ago i had a massive depersonalization where i realized everything i was looking forward to doesn’t exist, and everyone that i used to know in this city doesn’t really know me anymore cause i was gone for a year (on top of that the whole quarantine, so it’s hard to go anywhere to see them). i’m also have strangle delusional thoughts where my teeth begin to hurt and when i focus on them an audience begins to start clapping (as a visual hallucination behind my eyes, not as just a thought but like a compulsion or something). i feel hollow, frightened, frustrated, annoyed by everything, deeply depressed, and to a degree suicidal. this all just came out of nowhere, i was doing so good! i just got back into art, and had a whole plan for when i got back into the city. it makes me want to cry it crushes me. 

my theory is the change from open nature to the city? i don’t know. also i feel very confined cause in california the air is smoky and disgusting so i don’t feel comfortable outside and my girlfriend and i have to share a room with my 8 year old brother and he can be a little annoying lol.

please if anyone has any advice or experience with something similar feel free to share

Edited September 11, 2020 by UNZARI

[susanyzm]

On 2020/9/11 at 10:05 PM, UNZARI said:

this all just came out of nowhere, i was doing so good! i just got back into art, and had a whole plan for when i got back into the city. it makes me want to cry it crushes me. 

What you resist persists. The resistance of going through the dark tunnel is prolonging it. 

It could be the change of the environment. It could be trauma from childhood. It could even be you are so sensitive that you are picking up vibes from other people.

Whatever the cause, the way out is not to cure it but to look into the experience to see where it wants to take you to. Once you collect the gem, the experience will release itself.

A technique I use whenever I'm in strong resistance is to say the mantra: "I accept it all." I don't understand it but I accept it all. My mind is contradicting me but I accept it all. Just repeat the mantra until the situation shows a turn. Follow the turn to eventually find the exit on the other side.

You are an artist? Dark emotions can be a good resource for creativity. See it as a blessing and see what turns out. 

Wish you all the best!

[ivory]

On 9/11/2020 at 7:05 AM, UNZARI said:

and to a degree suicidal

If you are at this level you need to get the hell off this forum and get some real help.