I fully recovered from severe depression. Ask me anything.

[Darodos]

So yeah. Severe depression hit me shortly after I turned 23. First went to therapy which helped me a little bit, but not really. The pain I felt made me look frantiqually for solutions. Discovered Leo's videos through fluke luck.

First I tried the self improvement work, which helped a little bit, but not really.

Then I started to get into spirituality and consciousness work, which helped me profoundly. It took me about one year of practice to get from my absolute lowest to not only fully recovering and overcoming the depression, but then feeling about 20 billion times better and happier than I ever did before the depression.

Allright, go ahead and ask me anything, I am happy to help 

[Gesundheit]

@Darodos Did you reach a fully functional level?

[Nahm]

@Darodos

Finally an AMA thread of sincerity. Good for you.

Could you elaborate about what went on, what transpired, in the ‘inner world’ so to speak? What realizations were key? What concepts, idea’s, etc were seen through and or discarded, etc? 

Also, curious as to any descriptions that come to mind regarding any change in your experience of humor, and lightheartedness.

Thanks ?? 

[Jennjenn]

How did you handled the emotional pain and the feelings of dread? Not in general but in specific situations. Like, sometimes I’m driving or sleeping or whatever, and all of a sudden I feel that emotional pain. It’s like having a wound that all of a sudden starts bleeding. 

 

 

 

[Darodos]

@Jennjenn

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

Could you elaborate about what went on, what transpired, in the ‘inner world’ so to speak? What realizations were key? What concepts, idea’s, etc were seen through and or discarded, etc?  

Yes, there actually was one key insight which changed everything virtually overnight.

Almost one year of practicing meditation, listening to gurus, doing some light doses of LSD and mushrooms, and even having some profound mystical experiences of Oneness gave me repeatedly smaller insights, which led to incremental improvement in small steps. Stuff like "Everything I am doing is serving the purpose of me moving either towards or away certain emotions" (which was helpful, considering back then I hated the fact that I had emotions in the first place) or "If I experience a painful moment, one day I will look back at this, and will be thinking 'I'm glad this happened, because it led me where I am now' - so I can also right now be happy that it is happening."

I even experienced my self an infinite, all encompassing field of consciousness multiple times while tripping on acid, which of course completely floored me at first, and then led me to the realization that, if I am already everything that exists, it is completely irrelevant which happens in the life of this sad little human that I happen to inhabit at the moment.

But, while all of these experiences were very profound, regarding my depression they were just helpful, and not curative. My fucked up psyche still always came back and continued to fuck me in the ass, though not quite as violent as before.

 

And now for the key insight that changed everything, and completely un-screwed my psyche in just one moment:

I have understood completely the particular mechanism inside my psyche that caused me this profound unhappiness. It's a little difficult to explain, but I'll try my best. 
Basically, what I have realized was the Truth that I was (unconsciously) creating unhappiness inside me sort of as fuel to move me ahead in life. You see, because back then, what I believed was that I basically am a worthless piece of shit, BUT, if I work hard on myself, get rid of all my flaws etc., I might be able to change that in the future. Or simplified: I created unhappiness in the present, and projected happiness as a goal I could achieve into the future. And then I realized, that the only thing that kept me from being happy right now, was exactly this kind of thinking.

So I stopped doing this and BAM instant happiness, peace, fulfillment. Basically I said to myself that I would not care anymore if I ever become succesful, if I ever get good with girls, etc. and decided to just be happy right now, and not care about anything else. (This was not the end btw. Ive kept this aprroch to life for about half a year and then moved on)

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

Also, curious as to any descriptions that come to mind regarding any change in your experience of humor, and lightheartedness.

Not sure about humor. I've never in my life put any attention on my type of humor or about my ability to making other people laugh. So it might be possible that it changed, it probably did, but I can't get any more specific than that. 

Lightheartedness definetely increased by a bunch. Right, because before, my main concern in my mind was about what I can do now to increase my ability to be happy in the future. But after that change of mind, I just was happy like that. So I just felt like the happiest person alive. I started to go on long walks through the forest just marvelling at nature... I basically felt like a child again I also started to go to those "hippie love and peace" type of gatherings, and boy, that really did something for me. Started to really open up to other people and be spontaneous and playful, to connect on a deeper level.. I learned to express myself through singing and dancing, and much more. 

But the biggest change for me was with love. It was a completely new experience for me. Like I've had a few relationships and "friends with benefits" girls before, but I have never felt any love with those girls. Like I was completely unable to feel love at all. That was, of course, because I believed myself to be unworthy of love.. In my mind, the girls were of infinite worth, and I was a lump of dirt. In that way, I refused myself access to love. I basically used the girls as a means to an end for me to relief myself of a little bit of suffering temprarily, the same way as I used alcohol and video games. But now, as I was overflowing with joy and happiness, I was actually abe to really give and receive love for the first time. Really beautiful experiences.

 

Sorry about the wall of text. Got a little carried away I guess

@Gesundheit

5 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

 Did you reach a fully functional level?

Depends on what you mean by fully functioning I guess? Like in terms of being able to keep a job, well, yes and no. 

This, I actually already got handled in therapy. Mmh.. After depression hit, it made me first drop out of university. I was unable to do anything for about a month or two, except for an hour of therapy once every week. Besides that, I was lying in bed in my parent's house pitying myself. And the therapy helped me in so far, that I now was able to leave my bed again. Then I worked at a factory for a few weeks, then I started job training as a computer programmer. That was all before the "big shift" (see wall of text above)... Back then, I actually was really really proud of myself for being able to get that job, I thought of it as a great opportunity for my life, and I derived a lot of self - worth from working there. But I was still very depressed and unhappy.

After the shift however, the job turned into a burden for me, and to a source of unhappiness. Before I really enjoyed working that job, but now I'd realized the main motivation for working there, was because of the image I had of one day becoming wealthy and successful. Now that I was unconditionally happy, I didn't care about wealth and success (traditional sources of happiness) anymore, and now, sitting in an office programming all day, wasn't that fun to me anymore. My performance started to decrease month by month after that, until I got fired 3 months ago, just two weeks before I was planning to quit myself ...

Sooo... that's not actually "functional" in the traditional sense, because I am not able to work traditional jobs for extended periods of time anymore, however I dont really care, because I don't want to. I have a bit of money on the sides, and I am trying to start a business as an online spiritual counselor. Let's hope that I will be able to make some money that way, before my savings are gone

 

@Jennjenn

5 hours ago, Jennjenn said:

How did you handled the emotional pain and the feelings of dread? Not in general but in specific situations. Like, sometimes I’m driving or sleeping or whatever, and all of a sudden I feel that emotional pain. It’s like having a wound that all of a sudden starts bleeding. 

I'm glad you asked, this is an extremely important question. 

So here's what you do:

• Step one, obviously, make sure you are physically safe, so you drive into a parking lot, or do whatever to put yourself in a safe spot where you have privacy. 
• Step two, you sit down calmly, close your eyes, breath deeply a few times, and turn your attention towards the painful feeling. Might require some courage and willpower to do so, might require some practice to make yourself do it, but don't worry, you will get there. Keep in mind: whatever you are feeling, however painful it may be, the feeling will not kill you and it will not harm you. It is just some weird, funny sensation inside your body, that's all. Become conscious of this Truth: while your feelings are real, the distinction you make between pleasent and painful feelings is made up by your mind and your mind's programming and is completey arbitrary. Become conscious of this as you are going through the experience, and try to define the feeling as pleasent. Try to really enjoy it as much as you can, even though traditionally you would define it as painful and unenjoyable.
• Step three, keep sitting, keep breathing, and keep your attention on the feeling. Do not try to suppress it. Do not try to change it. Do not try to distract yourself. Just keep breathing and hold your focus. Make room for it. Allow it to be there. Even allow it to grow in size or intensity, if you see fit. And really try to enjoy it. Love it. Bathe in it. Let it flow through you freely, don't resist it in any way. If you have to cry or scream, do. If you are shaking and trembeling, let it happen. Enjoy that too. It's cathartic. 
  Do this for as long as it seems appropriate to you. At some point, the feeling will subside. When you are done, you might experience a feeling of rejuvenation, lightness, of being mended, and having a huge burden taken off of you.

[Nahm]

@Darodos

Beautiful man, thank you for taking the time. 

[Darodos]

@Nahm You're welcome. If something was unclear, just ask ahead

[Gesundheit]

@Darodos Thank you for elaborating. I too have been depressed, but for nearly a decade. Now I'm not depressed emotionally. My mood is on the positive side or at least neutral most of the time. There even has been a period of time, like 8 months or so, where I was extremely euphoric. But still, I find it very difficult to do the things I used to do before seamlessly. The way I'm interpreting this is that the depression is still there actually but instead of manifesting emotionally, it's manifesting mostly mentally for me, because I can do physical work without problems. Maybe it's just another form or phase of the same illness, I'm not sure. But I've never recovered to what I was like before, functionally/mentally speaking. It feels like depression is a requirement for the environment I'm currently in. I imagine that in better environments I would be different, like totally uninhabited. What are your thoughts on all this?

Edited September 11, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Javfly33]

Impressive. Seems to good to believe, such a change in such a short time. But I guess Its possible! To get out of the prison of ego once and for all. Thanks for that text, I'm happy for you, there's hope

[nistake]

Good job man! That's how you deal with depression.

[Kiko]

First of all good job, so in your case spirituality were the biggest piller to deal with depression. I have depression pattern which occur every once in a while for about 10 years in this emitional states i feel very lonely and worthless.. I finnaly decided to give it a try with therapist but i have a feeling that its not gonna help me. 

What exactly concuesness work you are doing?  

[Kiko]

11 hours ago, Darodos said:

 

@Jennjenn

I'm glad you asked, this is an extremely important question. 

So here's what you do:

• Step one, obviously, make sure you are physically safe, so you drive into a parking lot, or do whatever to put yourself in a safe spot where you have privacy. 
• Step two, you sit down calmly, close your eyes, breath deeply a few times, and turn your attention towards the painful feeling. Might require some courage and willpower to do so, might require some practice to make yourself do it, but don't worry, you will get there. Keep in mind: whatever you are feeling, however painful it may be, the feeling will not kill you and it will not harm you. It is just some weird, funny sensation inside your body, that's all. Become conscious of this Truth: while your feelings are real, the distinction you make between pleasent and painful feelings is made up by your mind and your mind's programming and is completey arbitrary. Become conscious of this as you are going through the experience, and try to define the feeling as pleasent. Try to really enjoy it as much as you can, even though traditionally you would define it as painful and unenjoyable.
• Step three, keep sitting, keep breathing, and keep your attention on the feeling. Do not try to suppress it. Do not try to change it. Do not try to distract yourself. Just keep breathing and hold your focus. Make room for it. Allow it to be there. Even allow it to grow in size or intensity, if you see fit. And really try to enjoy it. Love it. Bathe in it. Let it flow through you freely, don't resist it in any way. If you have to cry or scream, do. If you are shaking and trembeling, let it happen. Enjoy that too. It's cathartic. 
  Do this for as long as it seems appropriate to you. At some point, the feeling will subside. When you are done, you might experience a feeling of rejuvenation, lightness, of being mended, and having a huge burden taken off of you.

That seems like Letting go technique by david hawkins? 

[Darodos]

@Gesundheit

On 11.9.2020 at 3:45 AM, Gesundheit said:

@Darodos Thank you for elaborating. I too have been depressed, but for nearly a decade. Now I'm not depressed emotionally. My mood is on the positive side or at least neutral most of the time. There even has been a period of time, like 8 months or so, where I was extremely euphoric. But still, I find it very difficult to do the things I used to do before seamlessly. The way I'm interpreting this is that the depression is still there actually but instead of manifesting emotionally, it's manifesting mostly mentally for me, because I can do physical work without problems. Maybe it's just another form or phase of the same illness, I'm not sure. But I've never recovered to what I was like before, functionally/mentally speaking. It feels like depression is a requirement for the environment I'm currently in. I imagine that in better environments I would be different, like totally uninhabited. What are your thoughts on all this?

I don't really know what to make out of this. Is there a lot of negativity in your thoughts? 
Actually, I also do have a problem with doing mental work. Also stuff like planning / strategizing etc.. It feels quite tiresome for me to do this kind of thinking, I get easily bored and distracted while doing this. Probably because this kind of stuff is rather dry, and I no longer have the kind of mind that is interested in this. I'd rather think about metaphysics and spiritual stuff, that's way more interesting, and I don't get bored nearly as easily while doing this. Like I said, I used to work as a software developer back before awakening, and I actually enjoyed it. But afterwards, the job has become just completely unworkable for me. It started to bore the living shit out of me, my mind would wander towards other things constantly, and the quality of my work decreased dramatically therefore..

Was that somehow helpful?

 

@Kiko

On 11.9.2020 at 11:21 AM, Kiko said:

First of all good job, so in your case spirituality were the biggest piller to deal with depression. I have depression pattern which occur every once in a while for about 10 years in this emitional states i feel very lonely and worthless.. I finnaly decided to give it a try with therapist but i have a feeling that its not gonna help me. 

What exactly concuesness work you are doing?  

I did a lot of meditation, psychedelics, and studying spiritual teachers. Alan Watts was a very big influence for me. The way he talks about spirituality was especially helpful for me. The sheer beauty and poesy in hiw words were like medicine to my wounded spirit.

I also have put a lot of attention on my thoughts and feelings while living my day to day life, trying to catch myself whenever my mind was coming up with high levels of negativity. Also a lot of rather difficult emotional work. Like I mostly just felt very sad and alone, and I just sat with those feelings, trying to comfort myself.

 

@Kiko

On 11.9.2020 at 11:29 AM, Kiko said:

That seems like Letting go technique by david hawkins? 

I don't know about David Hawkins. I learned this technique from workshops I've been going to.

 

[Gesundheit]

7 minutes ago, Darodos said:

@Gesundheit

Is there a lot of negativity in your thoughts?

No, not even a little. But I'm cynical though, which means there's not a lot of positivity in my thoughts either.

10 minutes ago, Darodos said:

@Gesundheit

Actually, I also do have a problem with doing mental work. Also stuff like planning / strategizing etc.. It feels quite tiresome for me to do this kind of thinking, I get easily bored and distracted while doing this. Probably because this kind of stuff is rather dry, and I no longer have the kind of mind that is interested in this. I'd rather think about metaphysics and spiritual stuff, that's way more interesting, and I don't get bored nearly as easily while doing this. Like I said, I used to work as a software developer back before awakening, and I actually enjoyed it. But afterwards, the job has become just completely unworkable for me. It started to bore the living shit out of me, my mind would wander towards other things constantly, and the quality of my work decreased dramatically therefore..

Exactly the thing I was talking about. For me, it's with studying. I can barely focus like I used to do before. I get distracted and bored easily. I also notice this problem when I'm interacting with others. I get fascinated by how their minds work so fast and seamlessly compared to mine, and how they articulate their thoughts in eloquent ways easily while it would take so much care of me to perform something similar, although when I do it I do it better than them, and produce better quality thoughts, but yeah it's still tiresome. It feels like I'm a retarded ape lol.

[Jacob Morres]

On 9/12/2020 at 6:59 AM, Darodos said:

I learned this technique from workshops I've been going to

 can you share some about these workshops? i'm very interested. if not the specific one, then maybe in that general direction so i know what i'm looking for?