2nd Psychedelic Trip Report on 1.5g of Psilocybin Magic Mushrooms

[ZenSwift]

"The greatest wisdom and growth lies with where you least want to look." - Paraphrasing Jordan Peterson

 

September 6th, 2020.

Intention: What is death? 

 

Last trip was 1.0g of a stem.

This trip is 1.5g with a stem and a cap. Now caps are said to be more potent. So I was wary about adding an additional 0.5 grams, along with it being a cap. 

This is my second trip on Psycadellics.

My body and mind is in great fear. But my intuition is playing to win. So I continue on with the trip. 

 

1.5 g of psilocybin Melmac magic mushrooms. Melmac, AKA P.E. , "Penis Envy" mushrooms, are said to be bred for potency. So they're highly potent. 

Taken via Lemon tek. (soaked in lemon juice)

 

+++

The trip report goes as follows:

>Something with an arrow is more of an after the fact commentary. 

Something without an arrow is documentation while in the trip. 

+++

 

>Meditated in the morning for 20 minutes. 

>Sliced up some watermelon. Got some bananas, got my waters, and a puke bucket. 

 

 

Taken at 11:15 A.M.

 

Last time I danced before the come up, this time I ran before taking it, and then danced before the come up. 

 

Realizing what I put myself into, I immediately start becoming more authentic and singing boom de yada, I'm ready to surrender, my intuition tells me. Yeah I should have contemplated death consciously before going into this trip, but I'll be ready for next time. As I should have contemplated intuition sober before my last trip but I didn't. Going to my trips from now on, I will make sure that I contemplate before the trip to then contemplate it while on the trip. I will have plenty of time to do that because my trip right here right now is going to be my last one for a little while because I'm going on a juice fast. 

 

11:20

So far my hands are looking good, the last time they were looking real foreign. I'm noticing the shake in my hands when I quickly turn it around using my arm and wrist. 

 

The lemon Tek was soaking for about 45 minutes. 

 

I noticing a subtle change in cognition while I'm singing and dancing to the song boom de yada. 

 

Subtle forms of regret but also to overpower that with full confidence and surrender. I'm in this now, welcome to the ride. Enjoy. 

 

I'm interested in seeing how the trip will come up and up and up in waves. That was the most surreal thing from the last trip, so I'm preparing for that right now. I fully surrender. I give my love out to the world. 

 

11:24

Starting to notice the subtle discolorations in my hand, visual perception is slowly creeping in to increase.

Noticing my brain being more connected, Sensations in my brain.

I already forgot what I was going to say. Based. 

 

I wonder, should I contemplate while I'm getting into the come up, or contemplate while I'm more at the peak? 

 

11:31

I remember that subtle feeling in my chest of sinking down, I'm expecting that. That was last trip, that was my call to surrender. 

 

I have affirmed to myself, Everything is Beautiful, Everything Is Love. 

 

Subtle tingling in my left arm and hand. 

 

11:40

Because I didn't contemplate before this trip, I'll know the difference for from this time to next time when I contemplate before the trip while sober. 

 

My pupils are becoming wider. 

 

11:44

In the present moment. 

The most subtle movement in my vision. 

 

11:46

Colours more vibrant.

It's coming. 

Subtle nausea. 

Weird feeling. 

Anticipating the sinking chest. 

Vision ability increased. 

Here we fucking go. 

 

11:50

Mental SHIFT. 

 

Watch me be on my twentieth trip and be like "meh". 

 

Nausea increased. 

 

The body is in a different state of feeling.

 

Going into a trance, sleepy but not drowsy. 

 

11:55

The floor is already several Rivers. Noticing detail that I never noticed before in these rubber mats. 

 

Just hit a peak. 

Noticing fear and anxiety, I must distinguish it with love because it is all love. There is great love coming through.

37 minutes in.

 

Knowing this is only the start, I'm in for a treat.

 

What is authenticity but a death of the self?

 

Lots of yawning

So much yawning. 

 

11:58

Floor is moving again.

 

It's pretty predictable to see how some things will move.

 

12:00

It's growing all over my prefrontal cortex and in my brain. I'm being so taken over. I'm yawning so much.

 

Fingers are long and skinny. 

Thinking of funny memes. 

 

This is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. What did I just get myself into. LOL! I'm so fucking screwed. 

The ceiling is more clear. Still yawning like fucking crazy. 

 

Vision is blurry

 

12:07

Been having uncomfortable nausea and drowsiness. I just want it to go away, along with the fears of anxiety. Whatever the fuck this is, I Surrender. 

 

>I wasn't actually surrendering. 

 

12:15

I was surprised by looking at my trip sitter's face, it was so intense that it freaked me the fuck out. Like turning a corner. I looked at my trip sitter and the focus was her eyes, and her eyes were so fucking big it was surreal. Like giant bug eyes. Really freaked me out. Crouched down in fear going "holy fuck". 

>See image for visual representation. It was only for half a second because it scared me so much, I looked away quickly.

> Note to self: Tell my trip sitters to not look in my direction.

 

Of course the Shadows are going to dance. God. 

>Shadows on the ceiling are dancing. Was pretty fuckin surreal /scary. 

 

Really hitting a peak. God fucking damn it I'm so scared to contemplate death. 

 

Entire body tingling. Holyshit. 

I'm expecting something crazy to happen and for it to hit me like a ton of bricks in an instant. Maybe that will be on a 5 MEO DMT trip. 

 

Everything is dancing.

 

I wonder how long the peak and drop is. What's the tempo?

 

Really resisting this trip. I think I must just face the Dragon. Else it will never end. Okay. 

> I was really having a hard time here, I guess a lot of people would call this point that I was experiencing a bad trip. But because of my research and understanding of psychedelics, there really is no such thing as a bad trip, that's just an interpretation you put upon something. But yeah this is kind of a bad trip, I was not enjoying this part at all. Uncomfortable as fuck. When you're in it though, you have a strange ability to just cope with the load you're given. You're kinda forced to. The shroom forces you. 

 

12:24

I get why people say it's intense. Because you are in this reality now and it's so surreal and amazing, fantastical and magical.

 

All of these positive affirmations are to protect myself. 

But what is the self?

 

I don't think this feeling of fear is going to go away. 

 

I'm so foolish and childish to have set death as an intention. 

 

I guess I'm expecting to go somewhere else, but that's somewhere else is right here right now. 

> Right here, I was expecting to get hit like a ton of bricks in an instant and just go straight to Narnia I guess. 

 

This little ego is scared. 

> I say this to myself in a teasing tone because I'm having such a fucking hard time to surrender consciously. Over time, the mushroom ended up surrendering for me.

 

Starting to forget how phones work.

 

12:32

Yep. 

^^And that just made me burst into laughter.

 

The ego will resist the whole way. Just be mindful! Fucking Christ. 

 

Yeah I am peaking hard right now. 

 

Arms and legs are so weird but they're so present.

Definitely went in a trance. 

 

The paintings on the wall are fiercely pulsating. Vision is really fucking blurred, but blurred in a weird way. 

 

So surreal. Stomach bad feeling not going away. I'm not sure this is a bad trip or not. I don't think I'm enjoying it. But it's okay. It's all beautiful.

>Self talk to keep me from freaking out, wasn't working. 

 

>At one point I was scared of my legs.

 

>Having hallucinations of 2D image representations of centipedes when I close my eyes. They have neon turquoise outlines.

 

12:38

Noticing all the subtleties in everything, especially of my human body.

 

A deep surrender must come from the inside. It is the hand that holds the ego. The higher self holds and encompasses the ego.

 

12:44

 

I become so desperate that I lie on the floor and give my love. 

 

I am remembering that it is okay to contemplate while lying on the floor. You don't have to be in a lotus position. 

 

What is death? What is life? 

 

Picking up on noticing the Ego. 

 

 

12:53. 

I go in full crying. 

>Just roaring crying like I've never cried before. Full on tantrum like a 3 year old. 

I'm being purified. 

>My trip sitter comes down to try and comfort me, gives me a pillow and tissue to blow my nose because I asked her for a tissue. 

>I was whaling and sobbing in a crying fit stomach down on the floor and yelling "This ego doesn't want to die!" while clawing at the floor. 

>Imagine a 3 year old tantrum crying fit in a grown man's body.

>I just needed to cry this out, I wish my trip sitter would've left me sooner to cry deeper, feeling like I've missed out on a deeper purification. She stayed there for basically my entire peak. Like 10 mins. But now that I think about it, she asked me some questions that allowed me to get in that crying purification fit in the first place. Going forward, I'll ask her to listen to me when I say "please leave". Give me a pillow and some tissue, and then leave. Her being there beside me, made me resist more because I didn't want to surrender with her around me.

>Note to self: Tell my trip sitter to ask if I need anything, and if I say "NO!" to actually listen and promptly leave.

 

My emotions came out to surface on the same level of my regular function. 

+++

>See attached image

Diagram of Sober vs Peaking on Shrooms

• Sober is Suppression.
• Peaking on shrooms is expression. 

 

Orange represents your authentic emotions and desires. All of the shit you unconsciously and consciously suppress. 

 

Purple represents the many masks you wear, from the way you walk, talk, think and act. All just bullshit masks. 

 

While peaking, deep emotions come through no problem. 

+++

 

 

 

 

> At this point I could have been hallucinating, but I didn't notice because my head was basically looking at the floor while on the floor. And I was so enveloped in the emotion. So overpowered by the emotion, crying and stuff. 

 

 

1 hour and 44 minutes in, this is the biggest peak I've had.

 

The ego will claw until it can't. It will fight, fight, fight. That's what it is.

 

I'm doing trauma work right here.

 

Death is something I fear and cry about.

 

 

Going on a psychedelic it is like going into EMDR therapy. You don't want to go but it's so worth it. You need to go in there and cry. 

 

 

 

I've just been purified. A purification is fully surrendering to your fears and realizing just what it is, objectively. Just full acceptance.

 

1:14

Getting a 3rd person view of this arm. That's why your hands and arms are so foreign. You're looking at these extremities as if it's the first time you're looking at them. From God's perspective. 

>They are skinny. Motherfucking Salad Fingers. (look up salad fingers) 

>You realize just how weird of an ape you are.

All of your anxiety is fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. Just let the ego die for full Enlightenment to come through.

>Let the higher self shine forth. 

 

Don't worry too much about surrendering, the shroom will do the surrendering for you. Whether you like it or not. You will eventually surrender. 

> it will beat you to a pulp. 

 

What's the difference between death and life?

I need to contemplate this sober to give myself a solid foundation.

 

I'm frustrated at this phone not picking up my voice properly when I put voice to text.

 

 

Just like how a plant will grow, fruit and replant and then die and then be reborn again, When did it ever start to live in when did it ever stop? 

This body is just a continuation of the egg and sperm. I was never born, I was always born. I'm just now in this current form. 

 

+++

>See image

Text in the pic, from left to right:

 

"

Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) 

What you call your life (vs what it actually is) 

Life - - - - - Death

Where along this (infinite) chain is your actual birth & death? 

What you don't realize is that you ARE an/(the) infinite chain. 

Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity)

"

 

Your being is an infinite chain of weaving in and out. 

 

>Imagine a grass-like plant growing, then fruiting, then the seed of the fruit falls, and replants itself. Then the old plant dies, while the new plant grows. And this chain goes on forever. Infinitely forward into the future, and infinitely backwards into the past. Instead of identifying with a single iteration of a plant, calling that your life, why not identify with the entire chain?

 

++++

 

1:31

Death doesn't exist because what the fuck is it? You don't go anywhere, you just keep flowing. 

You're just a consciousness experiencing this human being, this Avatar, this vessel, to another. What. 

 

I am literally infinite. 

I'm crying so much. 

This is rapture. 

 

Nausea is completely gone. 

 

Death is not what you think it is, what a mind fuck. A beautiful mind fuck. 

 

You are like a hand clasping the tarantula. The hand being the higher self, the tarantula being the ego. The tarantula being upside down. 

 

A mind fuck isn't a bad thing.

This stupid fucking ego fears this idea that it has created. >(The idea being death.)

You have to face your fears, in order to finally get past that and take a look at what is. What is actually going on. 

You have your preconceived notion of what it is, and you just created a fear out of something you created, instead of looking at it objectively and having no fear at all. 

> You created the fear to prevent you from looking at it, because if you did look at your fears, you'd pull aside the curtain and realize that it is all a sham.

> This ego created that fear of death to help its survival. It actually created the concept of death, and then created the fear of the concept! 

 

There is literally NOTHING Left to Fear. When you get past death, what the fuck else can scare you?!

 

I'm going to die. And that's okay. It being okay is the fucked-up part. 

 

Once you face death there is literally nothing else to fear. 

 

1:49

 

Reality is nothing but a bunch of surprises, gleefully and joyfully jumping out at you and surprising yourself. Reality is just a "fun ride". It always was.

Just like that space astronaut meme. It always has been. 

 

>See image of the meme I made. 

>I am conscious that me being God is still held as a belief, a scaffolding built by Leo's lessons.

 

I'm speaking to My Future Self, you need to continue to trip. It's so amazing and profound. Hey, yes, your ego will struggle, but just observe that, it's okay. Let the fear set in and let it break you down. I need you to keep tripping and to keep inquiring into the deepest parts of reality. Contemplate what is death while sober and then come back here on a psychedelic. 

I know you will fear coming back here. Just notice that. Everything is rapture. Get past your fear, and everything becomes rapture.

The hallucinations and whatnot is the freaking out process to force you to surrender. 

 

I just did trauma work that I didn't even know that I had to do.

 

You are freaked out until you cannot care no more. You'll be forced into a crying surrender. Reality rocks you until you surrender. It rocks you rudely, else you wouldn't listen. You would resist.

 

>See image

 

Imagine being scared by your own fucking legs. 

 

2pm

I believe that I have now passed the greatest Peak. 

 

All of reality and experience is coming waves up-and-coming waves down. 

>See image

++++

 

All shall pass. (as the saying goes, this too shall pass) 

All shall come (and go) 

Its a wave (a vibration) 

 

Like clouds, 

They come & go

• The BS
• The Traumas
• Your Experiences
• Your Memories
• The Music
• Your "Life" 

It flows in and out. 

 

Take note of the wave symbol being a reflection of your "life" going through time from left to right. 

 

>The emergence of all of the phenomenon you experience is as mysterious as how a thought emerges.

++++

 

I fear eyes, but I must surrender to them. I am to be seen!

>Thinking about how I'm going to see eyes in my future trips.

 

I cannot suppress the gay. 

This body, this vessel, wants to experience that. Surrender to it. I have fantasies of getting fucked. 

 

 

 

Fighting yourself is a real battle, the ego will not go down without a fight. 

 

My trip sitter trying to comfort me was merely a distraction. I just needed to cry, and lean in deeper and deeper. 

 

Once you go after death, there's nothing left. Nothing Left to Fear. 

 

Trauma will not go without a fight. 

 

What is the ego?

• A stickman that lives inside of you that claws onto you. 

Life is like a dirty tentacle, that wants to feel up every single crevice. Fill every orifice.

 

After the fear of death is relinquished, every creepy spider leg becomes beautiful, because you realize it comes from a place from non-defensive survival.

>Imagine a giant spider leg coming down from storm clouds, much like lightning. 

 

There's more Beauty to explore, can't wait for you to come back here.

 

During my Peak, my vision was so blurred that two entire paintings were just pulsating, moving, merging together. Constant pulsating. Violent pulsating. 

 

We need to stop confining a canvas shape to a square. Why not have a custom canvas in the way of a swoop? 

>See image. 

I can't wait until I have my entire ego completely die and fully surrender. 

>This will probably require a higher dosage. 

 

It takes the entire group to integrate the Insight of the individual. One radical change of an individual will need a whole lot of explaining to the group. 

 

I need to Transcend caring what labels people put on me in regards to my Sexuality. 

 

 

>I'm not really sure what to do after the peak, I feel like all the work has basically been done. So I just kind of continue 2 have a cool down. I would be just too bored to just continue sitting and contemplating. 

 

>So I kind of just lie there in awe what just happened. 

>Talked with my mother about the ramifications of my Sexuality. Did it while still on the barrier-removing high such that I can actually have the balls to have this talk. I've talked about this before and she has actually worked with me on this with EMDR therapy work before. I was basically coerced into sexual acts by similar age boys when I was around the age of 10. So there is trauma there, imprinting my sexuality making it complicated. Basically, I was imprinted with a "gay fetish" as a straight man, making it more complicated when exploring my sexuality with the same sex. Making it more difficult to grab hold onto a static sexual identity. I can go deeper into that if you ask. 

>I realize that I need to be able to not care about what people think about my sexuality, and just do what I please. To stop giving a fuck about the judgement. 

 

>Note to self, whenever I'm feeling that nauseous sickness and uncomfort coming on, consciously lie down and surrender.

 

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2 Main Insights

• A mind fuck realization of what the emergence of life and death is. 

>See image of another meme I made

• A deeper acceptance of my sexuality, and sexual urges. 

>See image of a card I pulled a couple of days later. 

[Leo Gura]

Note to self: don't talk to mother about sex while high on shrooms.

[Adamq8]

Very nice trip report! 

[ZenSwift]

@Leo Gura   

Not to worry, she knew I was high on shrooms. We didn't talk about details, morely the ramifications of my identity. 
My mom's a therapist so we talk about a lot of things. 

[ZenSwift]

@Adamq8 Thanks! 

[ZenSwift]

Additional commentary on this report.

[tlowedajuicemayne]

my guy, if you wanna know what death is you're gonna need alot more than 1.5 gs! Good on ya tho for pacing yourself!

[ZenSwift]

@tlowedajuicemayne This trip was a vital part of my understanding of death, as it allowed me to approach understanding into the nature of fear.

I intuit that I will know what death REALLY is when I do 5meo.

[Nahm]

@ZenSwift

Excellent read and good for you! ??