She wants a relationship that leads to marriage

[Monkey_in_suit]

So my girlfriend is mentioning this often. She said that our relationship MUST lead to marriage in 2-3 years max and anything less is dealbreaker. We have been together for 5 months and started to live together 10 days ago. I just answer her the most honest as I can and that's that I don't want to get marriage in a year or two and that I really don't know what I will want after that. She is not some stage blue fundamentalist that wants marriage  for religion reasons but she really values family and deep commitment a lot and she is in a stage green. I see that my answer of "not knowing" is bodering her a lot and I feel under the pressure every time she starts to talk about it. Is there anything that I can tell her that will help both of us?

[KaRzual]

How old is she? How old are you? 

[Monkey_in_suit]

I am 27, she is 41

[Average Investor]

It seems she maybe is more into the idea of actually being married than really building the relationship. You are not even out of the honeymoon phase yet, which lasts about 6 months. To me that sounds like something you need to really talk through and work on. You might not even really want to commit to this either. 

Not that you have given me much context on what the other things are like to me it sounds like you are worried by this. By how she is pushing heavily like that it reminds me a lot of my dysfunctional relationship. 

I want you to take some notes on this and compared this with your relationship. If I am wrong just ignore this piece. This video would have saved me a lot of grief 6 months in. 

 

[SgtPepper]

What are you looking for out of this relationship or any relationship with a woman?

[Opo]

3 minutes ago, modmyth said:

@Monkey_in_suit  Does she want kids? I get it, even if I'm not that person myself. If she's in her late twenties, there's a pretty short window between now and when it's considered not ideal to have children biologically speaking, which is something she may or may not be conscious of fully. She might feel like she doesn't have a lot of time to waste either way on a relationship that's going to take up years, and not go anywhere (from her perspective).

Then she'll just have to start over completely... but she'll be older. With more energy wasted and possibly more jaded.

2-3+ years does actually make a difference here.

That's what I though. 

@Monkey_in_suit If you aren't ready for a kid you need to tell her so she can find someone who is. 

And her not telling you why she is in a hurry is kinda sleazy. 

[Roy]

Don't let her pressure you into deciding, or making up your mind for you because you want to please her. Just say that it's too early to be talking about it and you're undecided, DO NOT make a promise you can't keep. It will hurt much more if you put it off for years and years and then have to say you won't marry her. Going into marriage to please her when you don't really want it yourself is the worst idea in the world. It won't last, she WILL divorce you and take half your shit!

My girlfriend and I of 1.5 years are breaking up and we're moving out to different parts of Canada, because of part of the same reason. We were on the same track of not wanting to get married (but being open to it) for the first half of the relationship but her values shifted and she for SURE wants to get married and have biological kids, I don't. We love each other so much and never had any fights or fundamental gripes, but our visions just don't line up enough and it would take too much compromise. There is only so much you can bend before breaking.

Based on her language and what you've described here......................... it's not gonna work mate. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news and it's inconvenient as hell because you just started living together. But yea start prepping for a break-up and the logistics of figuring out how to move out and getting a new thing started.

From what you've told her I guarantee she's already doubting the relationship and sorting through her emotions on how to end it.

She's older too, she doesn't want her time wasted. If you really love her and can't give her what she truly wants, you need to have the strength to let her go.

Edited September 9, 2020 by Roy

[Monkey_in_suit]

We both have same view about kids. Maybe yes maybe no and if yes we are perfectly fine to adopt it if it's to late for biological. So that is not an issue at all. 

She just values family a lot and her dream was always to build it, especially now when her parents are getting older (they are in the 80s) and will not be around for a long time. 

And yeah, she is resolute in saying that she is not ready to waste time in a relationship that doesn't lead to a marriage. 

I am just honest as much as possible,atleast I think I am, and I tell her that I really don't know what will be my opinion about marriage in a year or two 

[Monkey_in_suit]

43 minutes ago, SgtPepper said:

What are you looking for out of this relationship or any relationship with a woman?

Have someone I can grow with together in every aspect 

[Preety_India]

 

You will need to leave this relationship. She is much older and I can completely understand her mindset. 

I already feel the pressure of marriage when I'm so much younger. So she is like out of the zone. She obviously has no time waste at all, here even 1 year wasted can make her feel miserable. So she is definitely looking forward to a relationship she can bank on in her older years.

It's much similar to a man who is 60 years old and tired of divorce and just wants to settle with a woman who he doesn't wish to break up with. 

Age is an absolute factor here and you must respect her needs

 

Her age is not a number for casual dating or short term girlfriend boyfriend relationships. 

I think it will hurt her very much if you are not honest with her about your commitment issues. 

Think this way. Maybe she will find a better man who really wants to be with her and you are in the way of her getting that. 

You wouldn't be having commitment issues if you really badly wanted her. 

Most guys who have such issues are generally the ones whose relationships don't last long. In short it's called emotional manipulation. 

It shouldn't take very long for you to figure out if you really want to be with her or not. That's just bs excuse that many men come up with. 

Just tell her clearly that you have commitment  issues and do her a good favor and move on. Spare both parties the trouble of heartbreak and betrayal

 

 

 

[Username]

If you are not sure it just means that you shouldn't marry her. Not just in two years but ever. She isn't able to make a decision due to her age. She might feel that you are her last chance.

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, Monkey_in_suit said:

I am 27, she is 41

Dafuq???

That's your problem right there.

[Applegarden]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Dafuq???

That's your problem right there.

I was thinking the same thing, with all respect for "love has no boundaries and co.", but isn't there a gap of mating strategies or some dissonance like that? Like, doesn't she just want to get married for her reasons that she will not tell you? And its just a few days living together. And she is making you aware of the fact that she HAS to get married or its what seals the deal with her. But of course, only you can know the details of the relationship