Psilocybe Semilanceata ''Liberty Cap'' trip. Did I just experience God? I need help.

[steenadrianmr]

Setting:

My friend J's apartment. We are playing some great music and watching the lights on his television dance. The intensity and colour follows the music. His apartment is pretty messy. There is tobacco on the table as well as coffee stains. There were pizza boxes spread out in the bathroom as we were using the bathroom's heating as a way to dry the mushrooms we had picked earlier.

The story/experience:

I filled a pot with water and said fuck it before I poured all of the mushrooms in the picture into the pot (guess around 200-300 caps, but I don't know). I wanted a strong, ''heroic'' dose trip as I wondered what it was all about. I had not eaten shrooms in about two years prior except the two or three times in the recent days. As every other time I have tripped I was hoping to gain insights about the Self, God etc. I was hoping the high dose would show me what an ''ego-death'' experience is like. However, as always it was mostly recreational.

The thermos I kept the tea in had about four cups in it. I poured myself two cups and tried my best to get it down. I don't mind the taste too much, but it can be pretty nasty. About fifteen to twenty minutes after consuming the two cups I can feel that the trip is coming on. I can feel it as my body feels a weird, but specific way every time I trip. I can also notice some small changes to what I see. I can see the different colours on the TV-screen are changing, morphing and moving. Rapidly I get thrown deeper and deeper into the trip.  J told me that I was acting a lot more coherent and calm than when I tripped the night before. At one point I decided to pour me another cup of tea. I had drunk 3/4 of the entire batch. J finally decided to join me and quickly drank his tea.

I remember feeling the effects getting stronger and stronger. The confusion mushrooms are known for causing, the visuals, the music is getting more and more intense. We tried smoking a couple of bowls. We occasionally went out for a cigarette. I had visuals like I have never seen before, I was wobbling when I walked and I could barely talk. Shortly after I remember going into the living room where J was lying down resting. I was spinning around whilst tripping over stuff afraid that I might fall down into these deep chasms filled with magma in the floor. I could see thirty meters down into the floor. The visuals were insane!

 

J told me to calm down in a frustrated voice and that made me really uncomfortable as I really felt in the way. I kept repeating ''I'm sorry'' while trying to get dressed. I am still wobbling around going back and forth from the couch in the living room to the mirror in the bathroom. The visuals are so strong that I could not even see clearly. I had to use one eye and close the other whenever I wanted to use my phone. I couldn't see the holes in my sweater so it felt pretty impossible to put it on.

 

At one point I decided to go smoke a cigarette as the visuals were waaaay too intense to be able to cope with. I struggled trying to light the cigarette. I cannot fully remember how the next part went down and in which order, but I will try my best to describe what truly is my life's most beautiful moment. As I am sitting on the stairs outside I feel pretty overwhelmed, but peaceful. I cannot remember if it happened all of a sudden or if it happened gradually, but I think I got a taste of what God is.

 

Every single thing made perfect sense all of a sudden. I all of a sudden felt so positive, so honest, so pure. I saw and understood how I am the creator of my problems. I remember seeing how the mind creates problems. My thoughts were really positive. I thought about how I need to act better and fix some family problems. I thought about how I have been stuck in bad habits and how I would get out. I felt completely at peace as if everything would be okay forever. I felt so happy for finally being able to experience this for myself. 

 

I have absolutely no clue about what happened or how to put the experience into context, but I believe I understood then and there that death is not possible and therefore I had no fear. I had no fear of telling my parents about some personal problems I normally would never tell them. I was thinking of how I would tell them the truth about everything and how I would get my act together so that I can be the best version of myself. That is really what it felt like in that moment. I felt like the best version of myself. I was not limited by fear. I understood everything and I had the answer to pretty much everything in the universe.

 

I couldn't wait to tell J what the secret of the universe is, but I stayed and enjoyed the peace for a few minutes.

I opened the door and looked at him. ''J, I love you. I love you very much'' I told him. I told him that I had experienced God.

Little did I know that this fundamental, simple, obvious ''Truth'' would slip a few minutes later.

 

I have no clue about what I experienced, but I am extremely happy that I did. Could anyone explain this? Thank you.

Edited September 9, 2020 by steenadrianmr
Title typo

[Bulgarianspirit]

Dude thats just a regular trip,if you had seen Leo's videos or my discussions you are only scratching the surface. That being said be careful how deep you go, you might not be ready yet for what you see. You sound like a normal chill dude, not someone ready to melt his brains off

Also nice shroom batch,just dont trip too often i had Hppd because of too many psychs.

 

The whole trip you were in the mind and you worked with yourself,to heal yourself which is nice. Now be warned lad,the further you go in,the crazier it gets.

Edited September 9, 2020 by Bulgarianspirit

[steenadrianmr]

@Bulgarianspirit Thanks for the reply! Perhaps ''getting a taste of what God is'' is stretching it. I'm definitely only scratching the surface. I've tripped around 25 times on LSD, around 10 times on mushrooms and a few times on 2c-b, but I've never experienced this ''state'' before. It is truly the most beautiful moment in my life. I long for the clarity, peace of mind, positive mindset, honesty and the willingness to self-improve. I felt like how I currently imagine myself feeling when I was 16 years old. I've had some problems with drugs earlier in my life so I feel like I have created A LOT of unhealthy behaviours and whiny-, victim-mindsets.

Perhaps I was just lucky I got to see through it all. When I was going through the experience I chuckled at myself for being fooled by what I called problems. It all seemed like some weak bullshit at the time. I felt so at peace believing that the rest of my life would be lead by this clearly wiser mind. A mind that had a solution for every single previously thought of problem. A mind that wanted to help- and share this realization with others such as my family, my friends and certainly the guy I was tripping with. I deffo couldn't wait to tell him the simple recipe for peace

Again, little did I know that this state, this mindset would pass. I could feel myself ''slipping in and out'' of it and whenever I slipped out there was an element of fear. As I've lead a bad life choice earlier in my life I have set up a lot of defenses so that I could continue leading that life. For instance, if I had just smoked a joint then I surely wouldn't want to appear high in front of family members. So you put on a mask and tell lies to avoid suffering the thought of consequences that would ensue if they should find out.

When I was in the blissful state I just wanted to come clean to everybody I knew about everything I've kept a secret about myself. I wanted to make them understand. I wanted to make amends with everybody I potentially have hurt. However, when I thought about telling my family about the wisdom I gained while drinking a ton of mushrooms I could feel small amounts of fear that would directly change my thoughts. I would feel more secure not telling them.

I just wanted to know if there is any term that would fit what I experienced. And hey, perhaps I didn't experience God, but I surely appreciate the experience and I did gain some pointers to where I can improve in my life so I'll start there. Not to mention that I've never experienced such an intense trip. I love psychedelics for recreational purposes and this must be my most influential trip.

At this point I've probably got enough mushrooms to last me until next year so I guess I will be doing some more trips with more of a self-improvement mindset as I now got a bigger understanding of how to get inner work done.