Alone But Not Forgotten

[Epsilon_The_Imperial]

I was thinking about placing some quote here from a famous philosopher or teacher, but then I realized that it would be too pretentious. I thought that I could maybe talk about my life so far, but I think I should develop that further a bit before I can figure out how to make it more interesting. Poetry? A nice video?

Hell, I just gotta start.

My name is Richard, I'm from Southern California and I'm here to share my personal journey with you. I feel as though for the first time in my life, I am truly free, and I was utterly lost. For the past few months I was stressing out considerably about what I would do in the future. But it wasn't always like this, because for the vast majority of my life, I was kept under the rules of my parents. I was kept under the rules and expectations of what society has considered a good and successful person to be. I was kept under my own neurotic need to feel as though I had to hold onto something special and to have something for myself that nobody else could truly understand. A treasure of my own that was unique to my experience, which has a beauty of its own that no one else would be able to intrude on, or judge, or something that they could take from me.

Coming from a Vietnamese family, my dad and mom were always big on education, my earliest memories from kindergarten were of my dad sitting back in his large armchair. I would be working on my homework assignments and he would force me to bring them up to him. When I didn't get it right, he would simply tell me sternly and forcefully to do it all over again. But to a 5 year old me, that struck the fear of God into my soul. I didn't want to fail, and I didn't want to upset my parents or get disappointed because at that age, they were my entire world.

I remember waking up one early morning when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, it was 6:00 AM and it was sometime in the spring. The details elude me now, but I can only remember that I went into their room to look for them. They weren't there, and neither were they there in the kitchen or in the backyard or in the bathrooms even. The whole house was empty. They were gone, and I was alone. There was no one there to coddle me, or tell me that everything was going to be all right. For an hour or so, I legitimately thought that they had abandoned me, that I had to fend for myself. Of course they came back, but I still remember that feeling to this very day, even when everything else fades into the background and is lost to the ocean of time.

I knew nothing of the beautiful world that lay outside the concrete and dead plant material that formed a strange, jagged cube around me. I lied, I do remember one detail, the light. Before I knew that they were gone, I remember that there were some beautiful rays of light that came in from the windows: radiant, resplendent, and golden. Showering the scene with a heavenly hue, a Midas touch. What I would do to apply that beauty to everything that I see.

It was because of this that my parents put into my mind the notion that I should become a doctor one day, that I would spend the rest of my life healing people and helping them and all of that jazz. Yet now when I actually ask them why they wanted me to become a doctor, it was because they thought it would make good money! On top of that, it's clear from the way that they speak of it that they've bought into the romantic image of the medical profession! But now when I think of becoming a doctor, I can only think about going from hallway to hallway in a sickly clean, sterilized environment with big egos and deathly ill physicians who have no life of their own. They sacrifice their entire lives and devote all this time and energy for their work, and it becomes their life. Yet I know that when I do that, my heart would be crushed. I would be going through the motions from day to day, and I would barely have any time left for myself when all is said and done.

When I think about what I want to do with my life, all that I can think about is a place of pure peace. I visualize a quaint and comfortable cabin leaning towards the rim of a glimmering lake, with snow-capped mountains present in the distance and my back to a forest of trees. I would have all the time in the world to read, meditate, and contemplate. That's what I want to do, but I don't know how I will get there or have the financial freedom to do that.

If I were able to do that and gather wisdom, knowledge, learning experience, and Spiritual insight, I would be living the kind of life I want to live. I have a deep appreciation for learning, because as I do so I feel as though I am piercing through the veil of our limited perception, no matter the field. It always interests me how people can describe what they view as reality, to model it and to try and find some semblance of truth. That has driven my intellectual pursuits to where I am right now, this weird but exciting place of spirituality.

 

I'll reveal more of myself as I go on, but right now I have to commit to a few things:

. Meditate at least 20 minutes a day

. Report my findings and my personal experiences here at least once a week

. Install new habits as I find them.

Note, this is for me, not for you. I will always be happy to accept advice and criticism, but if my journals aren't the most entertaining, than I apologize for not meeting your standards. I have to be completely honest here otherwise I would be deceiving both myself and you, and neither of us would appreciate that.

With that being said, I will start.