I don't know how much more of this i can take.

[VerballyHazardous]

I don't how much more beating i could take from life, some uncomfortable emotions here and there is fine, i can handle them no problem, it's this intense feeling of loneliness. Lately this emotion is getting very extreme, which leads to mental breakdowns and violent behaviors. To give you a perspective, during some of these breakdowns, i beat and kick my pet cat which i love very much. Not too long ago i took one of my pet fishes and flushes him down the toilet, i then go and smack my pet turtle on his shell and aggressively drag him around his pond. When i try to go to bed at night, i would feel an intense knot/pain in my heart, the pain would spreads across my body, i either have to stay up until 2-3 am just to release these emotions or try to bulldoze through the pain and fall asleep as fast as possible, however if i build up too much tension, i would start uncontrollably scream and cry. I tried using a body pillow to hug but it helped very little, i resorted to imagining that someone was there sleeping beside me to calm myself down, patting my self on the chest, "i'm here for you, please calm down, tomorow will be a better day, i promise". I would feel a nice mix of sadness, anger, resentment and a thick icing of rejection, i think this have something to do with my many shortlives relationships, they just never stick don't they ?

I have these breakdowns way too often, probably a few times a week. I can't just go on like this for my entire life. I don't want to be alone with all of my wounds kept being re-opened and my desires unmet. I know that deep down i really wants to have a deep relationship with someone, to finally experience some form of emotional stability, so that i don't have to struggle alone anymore and have my well deserved rest, so that i have someone to relate with, to give me the physical touches that i have always wanted. I just don't know where to find such a person. Here i am, alone, in my head. I don't want to watch porn anymore, i don't want to watch Youtube anymore, even the 3 video games that i liked lost their fun, and yet they are the very things that keeps me afloat in this dark time.

My older brother would bring his girlfriend home every few weeks or so, she was a decent person. We had good times together everytime she came to my house, despite the little time that we got. I felt my pain being melted away, my muscle relaxed, i've never felt so... close to anyone before, i had feelings for her, i had to reject that feeling ofcourse which hurt me plenty, my brother clearly stated that we can only be friends. Even if we did got together, i'm unsure on how the relationship would go. Looking back at some of our conversations, i could see how we are not compatible.

Ah... such is life, always teasing me, always hurting me.

The only things that is pushing me forward is whatever is left of my will to endure, my hope in a better future and the rare but profound mystical experiences, they purify and comfort me so i can live on and fight another day.

"Everything was fine, everything is fine, everything is going to be fine, in the end, when you are on your deathbed as your breaths weaken, thinking back to your painful childhood crying alone in your bedroom when no one was there for you, and your sorrowful life when there was no teachers to guide you, then you will understand. In the end, it's always worth it.

You are a warrior, you are a leader, you are a teacher, you fight with Love, you lead with Love, you teach Love... with Love."

Even with these divine words instilled deep within my heart, i still have doubts about my life.

Leave it to God i guess, and enjoy the ride.

Edited September 8, 2020 by VerballyHazardous

[bejapuskas]

Hey, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Do you have anyone to talk to about this among your friends?

[VerballyHazardous]

@bejapuskas

i lost contact with all of my friends, so no.

[Gesundheit]

Meditation all the way, for hours and hours.

At the very least, 2-3 hours a day, preferably while walking, with/without music.

[Mu_]

@VerballyHazardous

I've felt the way you have at one point, so I know how you feel.  I wish I could give you a solution, but sometimes you just have to seek help.  Maybe look into speaking with a psychologist of some sort so you can look at some of your underlying idea's and pains.

One thing that helped me was to hear other peoples troubles and experiences and how they managed and hopefully find some guidance and strength from their example.  Also, taking your pain out on your animals isn't going to help and will only cause them to suffer and resent you eventually.

Check out this mans story...

 

[bejapuskas]

@VerballyHazardous  Are you judging yourself because you think others will not understand? 

[VerballyHazardous]

@bejapuskas

I've tried to reach out to others, but i always get a "why don't you just talk more ?", "if you want friends just talk to more people", yeah right, as if anybody could just relate with me. It's clear in my mind that there's no one that i know could help me, why even bother asking for help if they can't understand my situation.

[Mu_]

@VerballyHazardous   people have it rough real rough, you watch the video I sent you?  Sometimes it can put ones own suffering into perspective.

[VerballyHazardous]

@Mu_

yeah i watched it,

yes that guy had it rough, but the question is can i overcome it like him.

[Mu_]

@VerballyHazardous why doubt that you couldn't overcome this?

[VerballyHazardous]

Given my personality, my condition, the location where i live in and the people that surround me , i don't see how i could live the rest of my life without it being 50% suffering and 50% boredom.

[purerogue]

52 minutes ago, VerballyHazardous said:

Given my personality, my condition, the location where i live in and the people that surround me , i don't see how i could live the rest of my life without it being 50% suffering and 50% boredom.

Maybe start with changing your location if possible, it will be very difficult to change how you are if you are in toxic environment, it is possible, but it is very difficult to pull yourself together if you get dragged down every day. 

[bejapuskas]

4 hours ago, VerballyHazardous said:

Given my personality, my condition, the location where i live in and the people that surround me , i don't see how i could live the rest of my life without it being 50% suffering and 50% boredom.

Literally all of these can be changed. You can see this clearly in that - your personality was different when you were a kid, there are so many Vietnamese living in the place I live and some of them are really high conscious accepting individuals worth befriending (they changed their location), the circle of people that surrounds you keeps on changing all the time since you were born... 

It's a matter of whether you can love yourself even when all of these things are happening, love destroys the notion of good and bad, you will be fine.

Feel free to DM me about this, we can talk some more.

[Kshantivadin]

5 hours ago, VerballyHazardous said:

Given my personality, my condition, the location where i live in and the people that surround me , i don't see how i could live the rest of my life without it being 50% suffering and 50% boredom.

Vision. Have such an inspiring vision for your circumstances, mind purification, state of consciousness, that the reality you live in right now is just one of the stepping stones to another life.

You literally don't have to live this kind of life. What do you want?

Remind yourself that if your mind were purified, you'd already live an amazing life, right there where you are, right now.

 

[Kshantivadin]

"My personality" is a concept.

"My condition" is a concept.

Your post has a painful amount of victim mentality in it. Yes, it hurts, a lot of things hurt here. First noble truth brother.

Please take responsibility for your mind ASAP. The mind can be trained. Does that not inspire you?

Maybe you need to see something really beautiful to open you up. Reality is so much more.

[susanyzm]

On 2020/9/9 at 3:22 AM, VerballyHazardous said:

I have these breakdowns way too often, probably a few times a week. I can't just go on like this for my entire life.

If you can truly allow your body feel the strong emotions, they won't last. Trust me. I've been through it.

It's good that you can scream, kick and cry. It means that your body wants to vent that stored up emotion. 

And it's particularly encouraging that you say to yourself: "I'm here with you." But don't say "Please calm down" or "Tomorrow will be better." Be there completely with yourself no matter how long it takes to digest the emotion. 

Emotions are neutral. Only we put tags on them such as: "Smiling is good! Behaving yourself is good! Crying is bad! Screaming is bad! You look crazy if you cry and scream!" Sounds familiar? Because that's exactly what our parents told us when we expressed our emotions through the body when we were kids.

On 2020/9/9 at 3:22 AM, VerballyHazardous said:

I would feel a nice mix of sadness, anger, resentment and a thick icing of rejection, i think this have something to do with my many shortlives relationships, they just never stick don't they ?

It's really a good sign that you can name your emotions! Many people suppress their emotions using distractions and no longer know how they feel exactly! Let them course through your body and they won't bother you that much. Otherwise, they will seep through your body next time you get into a relationship and destroy it.

I'm sorry for you pets. But it's exactly because you don't let your body feel the emotions that they find targets to vent. Taking it out on another life only stokes up more emotions. You absorb the fear and resentment of your cat when you beat it. 

Can you put your cat somewhere safe when you plan to feel your emotions? Bring him back, cuddle him and apologize to him when you are done. Explain your situation to him. He'd understand, not through words but through your vibes. 

What? Feeling emotions requires planning? Yes, it's something to be treated seriously. Get some pillows to hit. Scream into them. Get a pen and a piece of paper if you want to write down your feelings. Prepare a cup of hot chocolate to sooth yourself afterwards. You can be your best therapist.

As for friends, I don't think it's a good idea to talk to them if you feel they don't get you. Obviously you feel hurt and regress deeper into your shell when they don't. 

You can heal even nobody out there gets you. Just keep saying "I'm here with you" in your mind when you feel your emotions. Remember? Leo said there are two "You": one inside this body and mind and the other out there in the wide consciousness. You're never alone, literally. The higher self can provide infinite energy to heal the body and mind. 

When you feel you are more emotionally stable, you can go out there and explain your situation to your friends. Since you are not in any hope for them to completely get you for you to heal, you won't feel deeply hurt. Deep relationships are built upon feeling safe to show vulnerability to each other. So you can test and choose your friends consciously in the future. 

The good news is, when you are deeply compassionate with yourself, you'll be deeply compassionate with other people's pain. Everyone has their own share of loneliness. They are crying alone unbeknownst to you. Be the one to heal, to see, to listen, and to be there for them. 

[Mu_]

@VerballyHazardous   Hi there again.  I've been thinking more about your situation and things I did when I felt the same and you just may need to find a way to release that anger and built up emotion.

I found hitting something with all my emotion and rage and feelings till I couldn't do it anymore to be very therapeutic.  Even if it makes you cry just keep doing it till theres nothing more to let go off.

Please do this with none living objects so you don't harm your animals or yourself.  But maybe there is a place you can set up a boxing bag, or a couple of large pillows you can get all your might into, or a place where you can chop a log (although be careful) or smash a tv in a garage or something.

This is something you can keep coming back to when you feel things are getting to built up.

Then if you open up to the idea, eventually talk about your feelings and issues that are bundled up (here or to a psychologist), this to can be healing just letting another person hear or truely understand you, because there are many people who have and are probably going through the same things right now.  It doesn't make logical sense, but just mutually connecting on same issues can be really healing, perhaps because it doesn't make you feel so alone or an outsider and that these are just human happenings.

Let me know if you have any questions or if I can help you any further.  Wishing you the best.

[egoeimai]

Do not buy pets again, please.

[Preety_India]

 

 

I love cats very much and I cannot even imagine the thought of hurting a cat much less actually doing anything to them. 

You'll need lot of mental therapy. 

 

 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Preety_India

[Nahm]

On 9/8/2020 at 4:41 PM, VerballyHazardous said:

 

I've tried to reach out to others, but i always get a "why don't you just talk more ?", "if you want friends just talk to more people", yeah right, as if anybody could just relate with me. It's clear in my mind that there's no one that i know could help me, why even bother asking for help if they can't understand my situation.

If someone could relate to you, if someone did understand you - what would they know, what would they say?  What Would they understand? 

On 9/9/2020 at 0:28 AM, VerballyHazardous said:

Given my personality, my condition, the location where i live in and the people that surround me , i don't see how i could live the rest of my life without it being 50% suffering and 50% boredom.

I remembering feeling like that. I was alone for years, introverted, reclusive, depressed, hopeless & suicidal.