Total And Absolute Surrender

[Elzhi]

Who am I?

My name is E. Is that true? What is a name? A sound that comes out of your mouth, a word written on a paper? 

I'm 22 years old. A year is a social construct. I also cannot recall the first six years of my life. Do they exist then? Time is only relative. Is there any real way of telling how old I am? The idea of age is a social construct. I could very well be 100 years old, 200 years old, according to me. The idea of a year has no real meaning outside of social convention. Am I 22 years old? Maybe. There's no real way of telling.

I am African. If all the continents were once a single continent called Pangea, then am I really African? Are we all African? Are we all Pangean. Is there any real difference between where I'm from and where another person is from? Different landforms, climate, weather, organisms, skin color. The concept of "African" is still an artificial construct. What if Africa was instead called England? I guess I would be English then

I'm looking at a computer screen. Who is looking at the screen? The body. But I'm not the body. Who is this creature who is pressing keys on this device? If that isn't me...then who controls the creature? Does the infinite field control the creature? Does the creature control itself? What if the creature is being controlled by an unknown entity somewhere outside human perception?

I'm very smart. I'm smart because I know many things and can recite knowledge. Much knowledge is false knowledge. If all knowledge is inherently false because it exists only within an artificial system, then do I really know anything. Am I smart?

I'm tall. But only relative to people who are short. If everyone was the same height as me, would I still be tall? 

I'm good looking. My facial features are meet the societal criteria for what is considered attractive. But only society decided that I'm good looking. What if society decided instead that all the people that are considered ugly are now considered good looking. Good looks are based on subjective perceptions. What is considered good looking is also backed by mathematical and scientific data. Math and science are also societal constructs. I'm not good looking...or maybe I am. neither is true

I was born in July of 1994. Why? because my birth certificate says so. A birth certificate is only a piece of paper. I cannot recall my actual birth so how could I possibly know this is true. Time is still relative. What if it's all made up? What if I was never born? What if I was always here. What if the true self is the watcher who decided to watch over my life when I "5 years old" but is also the same watcher who watched over another person's life until that body disintigrated? If I'm the watcher, the infinite field, then did I ever die? Have I ever died? When did I come to existence? Was I ever born? Where does the infinite field come from?

I'm a human being on earth. What's a human being? How can I possibly know that I'm on "Earth" if I've never seen the Earth for myself, aside from television. What if it's all a facade? What if there is no earth and everything is a simulation? What if my life is a television show that space aliens are watching for entertainment? 

Science grants us many laws which are backed by empirical evidence. Gravity is real. Yet gravity does not exist in outer space. Why does gravity exist? Only to ensure human survival? Is there a God or great architect who ensures these laws of the universe are in place? How can I be certain that there is a Universe? How can I be certain that there was a shooting in Louisiana? I wasn't there to witness it. What if that's part of the humor of the simulation/show that I'm a part of. What if none of those things even happened? Even if I was there, does that make it "real". Probably. But it could also very well be a dream. Am I even awake now? What if I've always been asleep and my entire life has been a dream and when I dream, I'm having a dream inside of another. If the body dies, does that mean that I wake up permanently. How would I know that isn't another dream? Is everything dream? How can I ever know what is real and what isn't. Maybe nothing is real.

I am good with girls because I can have sex with them? Does that make me "good with girls"? Where are these girls now? None of them are currently part of my life? Did they ever really exist or did I dream them up? Their presence felt real. The sex felt real. Is there any way of knowing whether they were androids or not? Were these girls "human" or were they aliens. Is the creature who is pressing keys on this device a "human". Am I also an android? Am I a simulation? Am I in a videogame? What would be the goal? Does it need one? Nothing NEEDS a point or an outcome.

My mom just called me an hour or two ago. But did she really? Who is "my mom" a woman who somewhat resembles me and gave birth to me. i also carry her blood as well as my fathers. Is there any way of knowing this is true? How can I be certain that another woman in the family didn't give birth to me instead? Was I ever even born? Is my mom also an android? Is she just a simulation? What if I'm in a movie. What if the world never actually existed before I became conscious?

I have friends. My friends live about a mile and a half away. Another social construct. Relativity. How do I know that my friends exist? I can see them? The creature can see them and interact with them. But if I'm the field of awareness then are my friends anything like me. If the creature interacts with these people and they are within the infinite field, then could they possibly be imaginary? Especially if there's no way of telling what's reality and what isn't? 

I must be successful. Why? Society says so. My mother says so. My family says so. Self-help gurus say so. Why is that important? It's important for survival. If i don't need my family or society's approval to survive, do I need to be successful? What does it mean to be successful? Lots of money? happiness? a big house? a big family? There's no clear definition. Why do I want success? I don't truly want success, I want approval. Why? Approval ensures survival. Why do I want to survive? I fear death. Why? There's no way of knowing what follows. But if I'm dead already, it won't matter.

 

[Elzhi]

What is true?

it is true that I am not the body

What else is true? I am not enlightened. How do I know this is true? I don't meet the criteria for what qualifies as being enlightened as dictated by other people who have experienced it. How do I know they're enlightened? Their story matches the stories others have told about enlightenment. I cannot know definitively whether anyone is enlightened or not without taking over their consciousness. Everyone could be lying. Who are these people? Are they even people? Do they even exist. There's no way of knowing.

Are these people truly enlightened or are they simply mentally ill? What if mental illness is a form of enlightenment? Who's to say? Does enlightenment even exist if I haven't truly experienced it? What if I'm already enlightened? No one could tell me otherwise. There are degrees to enlightenment, perhaps. Am I alive even now? How do I know this? What if God was real and this is heaven. What if this is hell? There's no way of knowing.

I am the watcher, the perceiver. How do I know this? I am not the body. I am the one who exists. The "I am-ness". What am I perceiving? The computer screen that sits in front of the body. But if there's no way of knowing what's real, then how do I know that the computer even exists? If the creature shuts its eyes, then the screen is no longer visible. Beyond that, there's no definitive way of knowing what is real and what isn't. Even reality itself could be another dream. But if I can't be certain that the screen exists, then what am I perceiving? Am I even perceiving anything? 

What is there without the bodily senses? If the body cannot hear, taste, smell, touch, or see? There is still the "I am-ness" but it can no longer see, hear, taste, smell, touch. All there is is presence. The I. Then reality is homogenous. There would be no way of differentiating between land forms, buildings, sensations, people, places, things. It's all the same. There's no difference between anything. I am a bundle of atoms, no different from the next man, a cat, a tree, a building, a mountain. I don't even know definitively whether I am a bundle of atoms or not because that's a scientific concept. 

If I am presence then can I die? Other people are also supposedly presence but there's no real way of knowing because without the bodily senses, there would be no way of knowing that other people even exist. If others  can not be seen, heard, smelled, tasted, or touched, how would I experience their presence, let alone the creature's? Maybe I am really alone on an island in the middle of nowhere. 

If the creature isn't real either then...my entire existence is a lifetime of being forcibly tethered to the experience of a random creature which I am not, for no reason at all. Why would anyone want this? Nothing means anything.

[Elzhi]

What about myself do I believe makes me inferior or superior to others?

Being tall makes me feel superior to others. Why? Being tall makes me feel as though I have an advantage in terms of survival and mating choices. Is this true? Perhaps. Being tall never automatically got me sex and doesn't mean that I can't get beaten up by someone shorter than I am. Most of the guys I know that are good with women are shorter than me. Sometimes by a lot. I guess being tall doesn't really mean shit.

Eating healthy and working out makes me feel superior to others. Why? Eating healthy means that I will most likely live longer, and will appear more attractive to the opposite sex. Yet this is not guaranteed. Also, most people that I know who are successful with women hardly watch what they eat at all. It doesn't really matter in the end because I'll die someday one way or another. Does it really make a difference if I die today or tomorrow? Probably not. The only real value in upholding my appearance is monetary gain through modeling and gaining approval/inciting envy in others. Everyone wants approval.

Why do I want approval? To feel good about myself. To know that I matter. I want to know that all of the work I've invested in upholding my appearance means something. This is why I feel an attachment to it. Inciting envy in others also makes me feel significant even though its a fleeting, dirty high. Whether I'm good looking or not, doesn't really matter. I can't keep my looks when I die. Being attractive won't save me from the void either. It serves no purpose aside from monetary gain and personal gratification. Looks mean nothing

I feel superior to people who don't speak proper english. Why? Because that means that they are likely to be of a lower class which means I most likely outrank them socially. I am also more likely to be accepted by the ruling class (white people) and therefore am more likely to be successful (whatever that means). Is this true? Being skilled academically doesn't automatically translate to real world success. Having superior language skills does put me in a better position to succeed than those who aren't like me but it means nothing without taking action. Am I actually superior to these people or did my influences and upbringing simply put me in a better position to succeed than them? No one is superior to anyone else. Some people have certain DNA and certain influences that grants them advantages. I'm no better than the next man.

I feel inferior to white people sometimes because they once enslaved my people and they are the ruling class in the united states. There's always been an underlying sense of inferiority within me? Why? Media has brainwashed me into thinking that white people are superior and also disliking my own people certain ways. More accurately people who convey low-status through they're mannerisms and speech. I hate stupid people and I feel guilty for it because I feel as though I should accept everyone equally. Is this true? No this is moralizing. Perhaps I'm not really racist, I'm classist. I hate on those who don't talk or act in the same way I do because they fail to meet my arbitrary, societally-imposed standards. I could have been one of them though. I'm not better than them.

I feel guilty and afraid when I speak around other black people who don't speak english as well as me or talk differently. Speaking proper english, deep down, I believed is uncool which makes me uncool by default. I'm also afraid of be called white because of how I talk. Talking like an uneducated street hoodlum doesn't make me cool or uncool. The whole concept of what is cool and what isn't is subjective. My manner of speaking is no better or worse than anyone elses. Some people have the charisma which makes what they say sound cool but that really it. I'm not any better or worse than these street hoodlums. Having charisma doesn't make me better or worse than another person either. It's only a social tool. nothing more.

 

 

[Elzhi]

Who am I?

To some extent, I still identify with the body. I fear that demons will come and attack me in the middle of the night. Why? I've had many nightmares about demons and once had what was supposedly a psychotic break during which I saw the eyes of demons. Does that make them real? Not at all. There is no proof that demons exist. There is less proof for the existence of demons than there is for the existence of me as a separate self and I don't even exist.

If that is so, then who is the one who fears demons? The bodymind does. I am not the bodymind. I am presence so what do I have to fear? I fear the experience of pain occuring on the stage of my awareness. But awareness cannot feel pain. Awareness is intangible. 

I fear death. Who is the one who fears death? If I am awareness, then can I experience death? I don't really know for certain. I guess awareness may be extinguished at some point. Was awarness ever born? If I was not aware prior to the age of three then, where did awareness arise out of? 

I still feel as though I am the bodymind because I am tethered to the bodymind and cannot take on the direct experience of another person. However, even in the absence of thought, and the senses, I am still present.  I am presence. I think that the fear of experiencing pain is what causes me to hold to the ego and the bodymind even though I am neither of those things.

 Is there a further stage to enlightenment, I don't know. Everything is untrue so even the idea of enlightenment may not be real. The idea that I might someway permanently shift me perspective and begin identifying instead with awareness as opposed to the bodymind may be false. There's no real way of know whether enlightenment even exists either. There's no way of knowing whether I've experienced it or not either. I might already be enlightened. 

Why do I believe that I am not enlightened? I believe this because the description of enlightenment that the gurus have presented to me suggests that I have not acheived enlightenment, but how can I know for certain. I can't. All beliefs are false. That is a belief which means that the belief that all beliefs are false is neither true nor false. There's no way of knowing for certain. It's a never-ending cycle. Or is it?

I believe that I am a nice person. Is this true? For one thing, I am not a person. I am awareness. How do I know that I am awareness? I think this because I believe awareness is the the only irreducible aspect of reality, if that makes any sense. I that true? There's no real way of knowing. Perhaps certain things are beyond human comprehension. This is highly probable but neither true nor untrue.

And I ask "Am I nice?" Who is the one who is nice? 

I am depressed and suicidal. Am I depressed and suicidal right now? No. Who is the one who is depressed. Who feels suicidal? The self. But if I am not the self, then what does it matter?

Criticizing others and being judgemental is bad. Why do I think this? Society has told me this is the case. However is this true? No. There is no way of of saying objectively whether anything is good or bad. These are merely societally-imposed labels. I feel bad when I think in critical and judgmental ways because society has convinced me that I should not. This is moralizing. It's neither good nor bad. It simply is.

Feeling weak and worthless is bad. Why? There's no real reason why. It's a displeasing emotion but who is the one who ascribes these values to it? Some people actually enjoy pain and feel as though pain is good. So if the ego perceives pain as being negative yet some people don't then there's no way of objectively saying whether pain is good or bad. These are subjective value judgments. Pain, worthlessness, weakness, happiness, depression are all just part of a spectrum of sensations. They are merely sensations. No value can be ascribed to them. 

Being self-hating and having low self-esteem is bad. Again, this is bad for whom? the self. I am not the self so long as I choose not to identify with it. It's better to make the decision to identify with awareness itself.

I want to become enlightened. Who is I? Awareness cannot become enlightened seeing as it is awareness. If so then who wants to become enlightened? There is no one to enlighten. This whole time I've been trying to get rid of the self but the self was never there to begin with so what is there to get rid of?

There is still the belief that enlightenment is some sort of cosmic event, based on what I've heard from Leo and other people. Do I know this for certain? Not at all. Enlightenment could be a very simple realization or a highly profound shift. Those in themselves are also subjective value judgments

Working at Walgreens makes me inferior or lesser to other people with more professional or demanding jobs. Working at Walgreens is bad because my mother sees it that way. Society sees it that way. This is yet another value subjective value judgement. Are people who don't work at convenience stores better than me? Only if I believe that to be  true. It's merely a choice. 

Thinking people are ugly being disgusted by people or hating people for being ugly and stupid is bad. Is this true? Not at all. It's a decision you make whether or not to believe that this is the case.

 

 

[Elzhi]

Watching this video five or six months ago, I really didn't understand what this video was about. I thought I did but I didn't truly understand it the same way I do now.

 

[Elzhi]

The part where Jed Mckenna mentions the part about having to move forward because you can't stay where you are didn't make sense to me before and I may have even overlooked it. I also failed to understand what he meant when he said that enlightenment isn't achieved by desire. It's only in a near psychotic frenzy where you truly seek it out. It's at that point where as he says "...it's either forward or parish."

I understand this now because I'm stuck at a point in my life where I feel as though I'm already dead. For some strange reason, I feel like I died back in July of this year after returning home from a pickup seminar. I already was on the verge of quitting pickup but after that event it was as though I had seen everything there was to be seen. That goes for life in general. I've felt like a walking deadman for quite some time now.

I don't know where to go from here or whether life is worth even living. That's why my mission has become enlightenment because I can't continue to go on living if I remain stationary within the current paradigm. I can't settle for anything less than a complete disidentification with the ego.

[Elzhi]

It's difficult to know which guru to believe. Is enlightenment really this astonishing cosmic event? or have I already achieved enlightenment by the mere fact that I understand that I am not the ego. Is it as simple as "we are already enlightened?" I have no clue. Everything seems so paradoxical and confusing.

[Elzhi]

I'm reading Spiritual Enlightenment the Damnest Thing by Jed Mckenna and this passage made me take a pause

This is a conversation Jed is having w/ Julie during an interview

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"What is left when all context is dropped? What is left when you remove church, job, relationships, hobbies and everything else? More layers? Nature? Nurture? Perinatal Influences?Past life influences? Okay, but what's beyond those? That's the process, stripping away layer after layer, like an onion untill all that's left is..."

"But an onion is only layers."

"So is ego--self--only layers. Remove all the layers and no self is left."

"And no self is true self?"

"There is no true self, but yeah, that's the general idea."

"Then...then...then who am I talking to?"

"You'd do better to wonder what you're referring to when you say 'I'. Or who's referring to 'I'. Or who's wondering who's referring to 'I'. And so on."

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I almost want to cry right now.

I can see this as another angle of the same realization. It's a conversation that a costume is having with another costume with NO ONE underneath either costume which is a pretty frightening revelation.

It's like air attempting to converse with air. It doesn't even make any logical sense. It's beyond reasoning. Just cementing even further that the costume is a separate entity.

When I'm having a conversation with another person, I'm not really having a conversation with another person. I'm conversing with a costume consisting of a series of differing garments, that were weaved together out of nothing. The costume arises from a series of influences that arise from other influences with nothing underneath. How can something arise out of nothing? How can air wear a costume? Is the costume even there?

[Elzhi]

After reading that passage, I took a break in order to digest things a bit and laid back on my bed. After a few minutes, I stopped thinking completely and had this momentary experience where I felt "locked outside of my own body". My eyes were perceiving the hand and arm laying in front of my body but I didn't feel as though the hand was mind.

It scared me, but I also realized that this isn't the first time this has happened. This happened before in highschool when I was high, but I thought it was just the drugs back then. I've been dead sober for several months now, possibly a year. There's no possible influence of drugs this time around. When it happened, I couldn't help but frantically scramble to figure out who was controlling my body at that moment, if anyone. It also made me suspect even more that the life might really be a computer simulation which is what. I've always pondered the infinite nature of reality.

It just goes on and on forever and no one seems to pay it much attention, but there are clues everywhere. I recall an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Robert inquired aloud as to who created God if God created us and so on. He was ignored completely. I also recall a song called Oxygene Pt.4 which I first heard in grand theft auto 4 at the end of which a robotic voice says "Do you ever wonder who created your character and why your life is a computer simulation?"

I don't take that as evidence that automatically reinforces my suspicion but it's interesting nonetheless. I resonate a lot with Frank Yang's idea that I resonate with certain things because they're from the void. You can just sense it. No self is that truth that is in such plain sight that it's actually astonishing that most people don't know this. But they can't. How could they? The don't want to know. Their minds are proactively shielding them from the infinite at every turn.

I just came back from the gym. Much of the time I was scared to even look at my own face. I'm becoming estranged from my own body. Who is this creature in the mirror who stares back at me? I was scared once more when I got back. I feel like I've stumbled upon some forbidden knowledge and some unknown force will punish me for this. 

[Elzhi]

I'm now fairly convinced that I'm in a computer simulation. Like a very very detailed version of the Sims and it makes sense when I think about it, especially after having experienced what happened on saturday. I think on some level I figured this out when I had similar episodes back in high school when I smoked weed. I figured out that I was a character because after having gotten really high, I could finally see my  character. I could introspect for the first time. I was finally outside looking in rather than being stuck inside looking out.

From that point, my personality drastically changed and people took notice. It happened because I saw my character and didn't like it. I knew, equipped with the proper knowledge (especially in the internet age) I could rewrite my character to be someone I liked a lot more or at least someone who I thought was cool. Someone cooler, more aloof, more attractive, etc. I did it. For some time I've thought that I'm a sociopath and it's quite possible that this is the case.

I'm seeing it again now, but I also know that I'm not enlightened and this shift in perspective isn't the same as 'abiding non-dual awareness'. I still have an ego and perhaps it might cause me to lose sight of my newlyfound perspective over time. I've felt like an actor for the longest time. The issue is that I've gotten too caught up in my role. I've gotten too attached. With that being said, keeping myself at a mental distance from the character I'm playing would be incredibly difficult and therefore there may be no option other than to disidentify with the character entirely, i.e. 'abiding non-dual awareness'. I've got the non-duality part down somewhat but the abiding part is the real challenge. How would I maintain that I'm an actor and not get to caught up with the character? I guess I should just continuously make life out to be a big joke, which it is. I'm just a avatar in a highly advanced RPG. 

 

[Elzhi]

Maybe I feel like my life ended back in July because I more or less "beat the game" or saw everything I wanted to see. I've gotten most of the clothes I want and have a good grasp on how to get laid. What else is there?

[Elzhi]

Another thing I've been wondering about is where I go from here? Is it worth it to keep playing the game? Is my ego deluding me into not aspiring to enlightenment? From what Jed Mckenna says about abiding non-dual awareness it sounds kinda shitty, especially the process. I would have to burn every bridge with my family, my friends, etc. Or maybe not. Who knows. That was his path, maybe not necessarily mine. What's for certain is that there is no resurrecting the character once I've reached 'done'.

[Elzhi]

Just quickly documenting more stuff for the stage I'm at in this:

-I'm really understanding on a much deeper level the illusive nature of thoughts. Not only did I come to find several weeks ago that my thoughts don't belong to me but through experimenting with weed, I've gone even further to realize that the autopilot negative thought loops that would overwhelm me while I was high are an illusion too. For the longest time I held them to be true just because somewhere deep down I felt like negativity was more real than positivity. Why? This is a lie. Both negative beliefs and positive beliefs are false because ALL beliefs are false. Why i gave in and embraced the negativity was because I didn't know any better when I first smoked weed. All those negative beliefs I had along with the core belief of negativity being more true were implanted in me by other people. I see it clearly now. I'm picking it apart and embracing positivity because that should be what's more real to me. I can think any way I like.

-I realized that all the distinctions I place on myself are imaginary. Man has played a trick on himself by convincing himself that he and the external world are separate. It's a huge farce. It's the ultimate farce. Language and social influences have somehow tricked the world into thinking that they're something that they're not. It's literally a crime against nature

-Some things I wonder: When Steven Norquist says that they're aren't any people in existence it probably has to do with the fact that existence/consciousness/the universe are one. There is ONLY consciousness because everything that IS is consciousness/being.

-My deep depression has subsided. My guess is that it has something to do with the regression toward the mean phenomena or what Brad talked about with how people who read Jed Mckenna end up depressed for like three months. It could also be that I've completed my first wave of exams and papers so I'm fairly stress free and confident in my ability to finish my college education which was unsure of before.

-My confidence and self-esteem has been increasing through me deluding myself in installing new beliefs. I'm using the positive ego virus to attack the negative ego virus. I can train my brain even harder by smoking weed and combating the negative thought loops. The way I should look at socializing from now on is that I am challenging everyone. My personality is a challenge. I challenge anyone to disagree with me. That's how I'll grow. If I can destroy any emotional blocks that I have, I'll be bulletproof.

-I don't really want to play the Alpha Male role. After spending a year doing pickup I almost detest talking to people unless absolutely necessary. Almost everyone annoys me at this point so I question whether I should even be in relationship whether I pursue one or not. Although, I could step up into the alpha male role and my ego is salivating at the thought of it, I don't know if I should go back to that pickup lifestyle. I prefer being alone and doing my own thing but at the same time I get lonely sometimes too. But even that usually goes away after I masturbate. 

So do I want some annoying chick that I need to keep track of? I dunno.

-Another thing that I've been thinking about is that insanity doesn't exist (in a way). What I'm perceiving isn't necessarily any more real than the next guy because it's all a fabrication of our subjective perception and reality doesn't exist in and of itself. Perceiver-perception-perceived are one. 

-

[Elzhi]

Documenting more insights...

I've come to sort of an understanding as far as why enlightened people describe this world as a "dream". There's really no way of distinguishing it from one and if we compare it to actual dreaming, there are striking similarities. I know that wherever it is I came from was some sort of void. I've known for some time that I more or less "faded" into existence. Sometimes when I sleep, I go periods of time without even dreaming of anything. I imagine this is the same phenomenon as the life-death cycle.

What's really quite frightening is that if this is a dream world then that means "I" could very well end up anywhere else in the universe randomly upon my "death". The possibilites are limitless. I suspect that this is why Jed McKenna describes leaving the dreamscape as a foolish idea similar to exiting a submarine or spaceship. How I ended up in this realm, I don't know. Where I'll end up next is beyond me.

Over the past months, I've been haunted by intense suicidal urges. Part of me still kind of wants to die but now I see that that might be pretty dumb.

I started thinking more about how Japanese people have certain emotions that they can only feel when they think in that language which leads me to believe that maybe I've been tricking myself into thinking that I'm depressed. Maybe anytime I feel emotions for an extended period of time, I'm playing a trick on myself. If the language we use determines how we perceive and interpret reality that maybe emotions are as fictional as the concepts we use to identify them.

Yesterday I thought I was done. Enlightened but it seems like theres still further to go. 

On the other hand, I've also suspected for some time that I have been enlightened since high school since thats when I gained self-awareness, shed most of my ego, began looking at life as a "movie", viewing most people as "characters" or "actors", and I also underwent a noticeable transformation. I just didn't have the knowledge with which to interpret and integrate those experiences before. Maybe that was the beginning of the death of my ego and now I'm finishing the job. The way all the gurus describe enlightenement, they say that it's completely obvious and there will be no doubt when it happens. Lots of people seem to also describe it as the dissolution of the barrier between you and the environment. I don't know if I should follow that especially since killing all Buddhas is part of the process, allegedly.

[Elzhi]

I've recently realized that the reason that I've felt as though I already have some understanding of what enlightenment is like because I underwent depersonalization/derealization back in high school when I tried weed and began smoking regularly. According to Shinzen Young, DP/DR is like the evil twin of enlightenment. Based on the other perspectives I've seen on DP/DR, the experience is incredibly dark. It's some weird sort of "half-realized" state where the ego doesn't entirely surrender itself and the person begins to see the flimsiness of reality and the movie-like qualities of life. My own experience of it nearly destroyed my life, although I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. 

This makes me wonder whether guys like Jed Mckenna or Steven Norquist whose interpretation on enlightenment is much darker than guys like Echart Tolle are "wrong" in their interpretation of nonduality or if their's different forms of truth-realization or if all these people just have a mental illness. It's all quite confusing.

[Elzhi]

I keep on grappling with this unintegrated trauma that causes me to almost start crying when met with disapproval, yelling, or conflict. I keep on scouring the internet trying to fix it and trying to focus my awareness on the feeling everytime it comes to surface. It's incredibly frustrating that I still haven't fixed this especially since I feel like it's the last thing that really needs to be resolved before I can feel real unwavering confidence. It's the only chink in the armor, Once I have this fixed, I'm damn near perfect.

Things I've considered:

-Julien says that continuing to "bullshit your subconscious" is too much of what self help is nowadays. It sounds like he's focused more on self acceptance and integration of perceived negative aspects of personality

-If I want to overcome fear of confrontation, I should trigger more of them to gain exposure

-I've been trying to heal the underlying trauma beneath the need to cry in the face of disapproval by focusing on the feeling (based on Teal and Emerald's videos). I should keep looking into more trauma release techniques

-I've looked up some clever comebacks to insults so that I'm ready for confrontation. I also want to orient my personality towards being more of a dick.

-I've been trying to practice comebacks so I can say things with more conviction. I don't know whether this will come with more confidence, more competence or just staying present and fully believing in what I'm saying as I say it. Like Tyler says, I should keep my foot entirely on the gas and not on the brake (yup, stay present)

-In the sort term, I can block out shame by not buying into it and taking it too seriously. I've worked very hard on myself so for the most part, I'm not prone to making social mistakes that are egregious. I'm cool. But how can I now block that shit out if I'm so open-minded now? Stay present? I need to figure out what that feels like within my body.

-I'm beginning to see a greater and greater separation between my thoughts and body. Who is really thinking these thoughts? The universe? These thoughts don't come from me. I they made me then what the fuck am I? Is the world really two-dimensional? I've begun to suspect this.  Am I really this nothingness with no location?

 

Edited December 21, 2016 by Elzhi

[Elzhi]

So I've had a few realizations today...

More and more of my ego is slowly disintegrating and I know now that what happened to me back in July was an enlightenment experience. There's really no other way of explaining it. Everything became perfectly still and I lost all sense of my body. It was like looking at a picture. Maybe reality really is two-dimensional...

Either way I know now that If I keep going down this road, I can reach enlightenment. But why would I want that? Why surrender everything just for this? Life is already inherently pointless but why completely sacrifice this ego that I've worked so hard to construct? To leave this life behind and never look back? Where do I turn to?

I'm having a difficult time even enjoying porn anymore as I raise in my awareness. I had a hard time telling whether my feelings that past week and beyond have been clinical depression brought on by the ever present awareness of the meaninglessness of my existence or a lack of dopamine from staying off porn. Perhaps a bit of both. 

All I know is that I need purpose in order to continue maintaining this ego, otherwise I'll continue to sink into the void and never come back. It's the decision that has to be made. Am I truly ready to surrender everything?