Panicking and feeling scarred from seeing too much too abruptly.

[lmfao]

A lot of the time when I do kriya yoga and meditate, my change in perception is too drastically different from my default consciousness that I get scared and run away. And so I never maintain a consistent or daily meditation practice. My mind just panics because the contrast is way too huge. Like going from normal, completely egoic consciousness to more "empty" consciousness which sees self and all of reality as unreal. Like the jump is just too huge! Any advice or thoughts? 

What I find so weird is that, I've realised in the past before that the reason I don't meditate as much is because I get scared from seeing this. But then I will shortly forget this insight I had about why I don't commit to meditation as much, and get absorbed in distraction of my life and addictions.

So to cope with this distress, my mind erases from my memory states of consciousness like this and thoughts I had whilst having them. And Maya and my default consciousness mask this whole realisation or awakening experience as if it never happened. 

The jump is just so huge that I worry about going mad despite not actually going mad, but the worry about going mad will make you mad. I don't know lol.

The mind going a bit wild here feels like an involuntary reflex/reaction (but isn't this true about emotions and the mind in general), but it is nonetheless something I have to just not turn away from and watch. I shall remember this is a narrative. 

Maybe I'm simply neurotic or aren't cut out for this, I don't know. Or maybe that's an excuse to run away from truth. 
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I think Leo shooting a video on insanity and dissociation is a good idea, especially in relation to enlightenment or the search for it. It would be a further elaboration on the dark side of spiritual work. I'm certain that modern medicine's conceptualisation of certain cases of insanity and dissociation is off the mark. 
 

Edited September 7, 2020 by lmfao

[Tim R]

@lmfao I know how you feel. During the winter months of 2018 I had to slow things way down, because I started to have panic attacks and to a certain extent derealization and depersonalisation, which both in turn perpetuated my anxiety. I experienced some shattering realizations within a very short frame of time and I had the exact same thoughts as you are having now; "maybe I'm neurotic/maybe I'm not ready/maybe it's just an excuse/ etc".

You have to listen to yourself. Don't dismiss what's happening. It is a very valuable experience and a chance to grow.

Pay attention to what is happening and don't let your mind go haywire.

Slow things down, maybe stop for a while. Remember, you can come back later and pick everything up where you left it.

Ground yourself, develop a routine, engage in "mundane" activities. Go to the gym. Don't forget to eat healthy foods, although you can make some exceptions of course. Listen to calming music.

Calm yourself. It's alright, you don't always have to do spiritual work. You did it because you chose to and now you chose to rest for a while, you deserve it. Easy does it through here. You got this

The time will come when you'll know, you'll feel that you are ready again to do spiritual work.

But don't hurry anything, don't worry about the progress you're making, you're always good where you are at.

Here's something I wish I knew before:

 

 

[lmfao]

@Tim R Thanks dude.  I'll watch those two videos probably

22 minutes ago, Tim R said:

Ground yourself, develop a routine, engage in "mundane" activities. Go to the gym. Don't forget to eat healthy foods, although you can make some exceptions of course. Listen to calming music.

Calm yourself. It's alright, you don't always have to do spiritual work. You did it because you chose to and now you chose to rest for a while, you deserve it. Easy does it through here. You got this

Yeah. What makes me hate myself is that I'm not even always doing spiritual work, but I still react like this to just small exposures. Thoughts about being weak and etc. But it is what it is. My mind is usually always in tension about suffering or in negativity, thinking about these things, so perhaps in a way all this negativity becomes the fuel for deep experiences when doing this work.

So if that's so, I shouldn't hate myself for being weak. It's just that for a large portion of time in the day, issues like motivation and self improvement issues are always on my mind when I'm thinking and so in a way that's the invisible work I do. And then meditation or yoga is like an ignition or rapid explosion of all that I've karmically accumulated.


Or that could be a fancy story I just typed. Whatever the case, these particulars don't matter.

Edited September 7, 2020 by lmfao

[The0Self]

A big part of the game seems to be feeling into ways of letting go so that you can stop putting up all the barriers, delays, and excuses that keep you from being established in reality.