Going into business with a chronic disease and the fear of failure

[Consilience]

Exactly what the title says… I am at a total loss guys and gals. I feel really trapped and cut off from my masculine core. It feels like there is a deep rooted sense of fear related to not following a typical 9-5 job with health benefits, like I'm gun shy from really living on the edge of life, skating that abyss of failure that's always possible when going into business or living your dreams. It's as though growing up in the society and with my younger self's poor financial decisions has created a wound in the part of me that wants to go out and penetrate the world with my energy.

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 2 years ago, 6 months after discovering Actualized.org as well as the pursuit of consciousness work, but also after nearly finishing a 4 year degree and taking out $100,000 dollars in student loans. The last month of my 4 years in University is when I was diagnosed. I believe my illness manifested in response to the unconscious dread, regret, and confusion centered around my loans. I remember at 18 being really lost in life, unsure about what to do. I ended up going to a big 4 year university because it was where my girlfriend was going and it was where my dad went to school, so it felt like it would make him happy. I was also really good at school (not as good at standardized tests hence no scholarship money + parents made too much money to get government financial aid) so it felt like a natural next step in life. But if I'm being completely honest, I think I also went because it felt like the 'safe' thing to do somehow. Despite the decision looking logisitically horrible on paper, I'd been subconsciously drilled since childhood that a University degree was the only way to be successful in life.

Despite this lack of rational thinking, strategic planning, and emotional self awareness as an 18 year old, I now am living a life based on these past actions while also managing a chronic illness which requires daily constant awareness and attention. This situation also means I need enough monthly income to pay off my loans as well as pay for expensive medication and health insurance.

Being 100% transparent, there's a part of me that's terrified of trying to make it out in the world of business because I fear that failure could mean my health declining as well as being unable to afford to pay back the ridiculous amount of my student loans. Yet it feels like this is also a threshold guardian on the Hero's Journey, a limiting belief that can only be overcome by just taking a leap. The difference between my leaping and an otherwise healthy human without crippling debt feels momentous though.

I truly do not know how to act from a space of pure fearlessness. It feels such a state is demanded of me if I am to really pursue a life of passion and life purpose. It feels like the ability to even vision is wounded and scattered because of these two variables. I also am living with my parents and can without a doubt feel their unconsciousness having an affect on my mind. I am not blaming them for my failures, nor am I trying to shirk responsibility, however I would be lying if I said their influence wasn't felt.

I want that fearlessness. I want to somehow be able to look at the possibility of failure, the possibility of my health's painful decline, or slow accumulation of loan interest and shrug in response, knowing that there's nothing to pursue in life other than to chase one's passion and purpose, even if it means death. That is what it means to be a truly actualized human. To be yourself without fear.

If anyone on this forum has any input or anything to share, I would be very grateful.

Thank you,

~ Consilience

[RobertZ]

@Consilience when you say, “like I'm gun shy from really living on the edge of life, skating that abyss of failure” it sounds like you need someone to hug you and tell you that it’s going to be okay. Maybe I’ll just say this. Look for satisfaction in your work. Work is funny like that—I have often found myself procrastinating  because I didn’t want to do something, Once I started, I found some enjoyment in the work. Look for that satisfaction in the little things of your daily work. 

[Gesundheit]

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

I want that fearlessness.

Fear comes from thinking. Imagine stepping into a very dangerous jungle without prior knowledge that it's dangerous, you wouldn't fear anything. Likewise, imagine something very safe, like stepping into a bathtub, just an ordinary one, but instead of going in directly without thinking about it, you freeze in your place and start having a stream of paranoid thoughts, like what if I fell asleep and drowned? What if someone was hiding behind the curtains to murder me? What if I slipped and broke my leg? What if this? What if that? What if? What if? What if?

While a little bit of caution is always recommended, but if it grows beyond a certain threshold, it will usually become a limitation.

That being said, what's the best course of action in your case? I don't know. But if I were you, I would try to be more impulsive and embrace not-knowing. Because even when you have everything planned out, reality will never be as identical.

[Hello from Russia]

Well, how would you pay back these loans anyways rather than business? Such a big loan would probably require you to 20-30 years of 9-5 job to pay off. Why is it so big, though? Was it an Ivy league school or?

Failure would just mean you will get back to you 9-5, why do you equate it with not being able to pay off the loan?

Edited September 6, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[RobertZ]

Also, you can use your criteria to evaluate your alternatives. I would probably reduce the number of the criteria (i.e., what is important to you; how you would decide what to do). You Could also develop the options with more detail.

Then Fill out the chart--either with words (e.g., advantages or disadvantages), or with numbers (e.g, -5 is very bad, -1 is bad, 0 is neutral, +2 is pretty good). Then you can also Color code it (e.g., Red is very bad, Orange is a warning, Green is very good, etc.).

 

[Consilience]

On 9/6/2020 at 0:11 AM, RobertZ said:

@Consilience when you say, “like I'm gun shy from really living on the edge of life, skating that abyss of failure” it sounds like you need someone to hug you and tell you that it’s going to be okay. Maybe I’ll just say this. Look for satisfaction in your work. Work is funny like that—I have often found myself procrastinating  because I didn’t want to do something, Once I started, I found some enjoyment in the work. Look for that satisfaction in the little things of your daily work. 

Thank you. I think this is a good, practical way to start. Less resistance to the work I'm doing now, more concentration and thus satisfaction. 

 

On 9/6/2020 at 0:28 AM, Gesundheit said:

Fear comes from thinking. Imagine stepping into a very dangerous jungle without prior knowledge that it's dangerous, you wouldn't fear anything. Likewise, imagine something very safe, like stepping into a bathtub, just an ordinary one, but instead of going in directly without thinking about it, you freeze in your place and start having a stream of paranoid thoughts, like what if I fell asleep and drowned? What if someone was hiding behind the curtains to murder me? What if I slipped and broke my leg? What if this? What if that? What if? What if? What if?

While a little bit of caution is always recommended, but if it grows beyond a certain threshold, it will usually become a limitation.

That being said, what's the best course of action in your case? I don't know. But if I were you, I would try to be more impulsive and embrace not-knowing. Because even when you have everything planned out, reality will never be as identical.

This is really powerful advice.

Yeah actually more impulse and less strategy is what I seem to be lacking.... I guess the issue is I don't even see what my next move is, but perhaps that's not really the point. The point is to get more in touch with my gut and impulse. 

You're spot on. All of this is mind, it's just like... in such a powerful state right now. Even when I am in a state of no mind during meditation, I seem to lack any connection with that impulsion. However hearing you specifically call it out... and point blank describe the dynamics of mind here. This is very helpful. Thank you. 

 

On 9/6/2020 at 0:32 AM, Hello from Russia said:

Well, how would you pay back these loans anyways rather than business? Such a big loan would probably require you to 20-30 years of 9-5 job to pay off. Why is it so big, though? Was it an Ivy league school or?

Failure would just mean you will get back to you 9-5, why do you equate it with not being able to pay off the loan?

No standard state university in the USA. It was the biggest state university though and thus the most expensive. 

I guess I make that equation because the 9-5 I have right now I got through a very very unusual set of circumstances. I don't think I would be able to land another job like this with as many benefits or security. It has been one of the biggest breaks, streaks of "luck" I've gotten from the universe since the diagnosis. To give it up in pursuit of a business feels like I'd be giving up a huge blessing. 

You make a fair point though. Business would probably be the fastest way to pay off the loans. 

 

On 9/6/2020 at 3:38 AM, RobertZ said:

Also, you can use your criteria to evaluate your alternatives. I would probably reduce the number of the criteria (i.e., what is important to you; how you would decide what to do). You Could also develop the options with more detail.

Then Fill out the chart--either with words (e.g., advantages or disadvantages), or with numbers (e.g, -5 is very bad, -1 is bad, 0 is neutral, +2 is pretty good). Then you can also Color code it (e.g., Red is very bad, Orange is a warning, Green is very good, etc.).

Really appreciate you taking the time to link this exercise. Thank you again.