My sexuality related issues

[lmfao]

I'm going to paste what I wrote to myself in my journal today, because I can't think of what else to say or ask other than to just put it out there and see the response
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A lot of my shadow is sexual in nature. Sex itself, alongside the possible things that are possibly underneath the surface of these sexual forces, is very strange thing for me.

My inclination towards this domain of reality from a very young age makes me reverent of the existence of alien and unknown qualities in nature. "karma", "the collective unconscious",  these are different labels for desires, situations, that I myself don't feel I created more so I was thrown into.

When I was 5 I discovered the adult channels on television. I would use the TV when I was alone at night. I felt drawn to the scantily clad women but I didn't know why. Not too soon after I connected a few dots, realised the concept of attraction. 

So I watched late night adult channels for a while to myself. When I was 6 I would use google to try and search for naked girls, although I didn't know porn existed and so I would just go on google images and search what my brain could think of "Hot naked ladies", something like that.

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There's one thing I'm genuinely confused about from the details I do remember. Because whatever way I slice it, this event seems absurd, and perhaps concerning. This has gotten me unsettled, but I don't know if I'm paranoid. 

Okay so this is set when I'm 5 years old. I'm in school, in class. All of us kids in the class would sit down on the ground whilst the teacher, who was female, would read some book and we listen. 

Now whilst everyone would sit directly in front of the teacher, facing her, I would sit around the side of the teacher. A bit to the side, and even a bit behind perhaps. But anyway, whilst the teacher was reading, I'd look up her skirt! My head was directly beneath her skirt, peeking!!!!

And it was all the time. I remember the colour of her socks and what they looked like, seeing her legs. It's possible that I even touched her socks, but I can't be sure and I don't know, my memory is just so hazy trying to remember this. And this was a frequent occasion. I'd do it every time she's reading and gathers us.

I THINK I WOULD FIDGET AROUND, LOOK UNDER HER SKIRT, AND NOBODY NOTICED OR CARED. Which I find strange. Maybe she knew but didn't care? I have no clue.

I think it might have literally been the case that, everyones eyes were glued on the teachers face and nobody was looking at me, and I was behind the teacher at such a weird angle that nobody saw or knew what I was doing. Just assuming I was fidgeting a bit but was listening like the rest of them.
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Anyway. Back on track. When I was 12 I discovered pornography. Am addicted to that till this day, being 20 years old now. 

All my jock male friends in school would mingle with females, but I had it instilled in me that having females as friends was a sin. You're told growing up that you shouldn't look at a female you're not married to for any nanosecond longer than is necessary.

You feel like you neither fit in with your home culture or the west. This alienation lasted for years after I knew I wasnt Muslim and is probably a main factor of my depression. 


I had a crush back in high school, and that person still remains a symbol in the various images that pops in my head. I remember having an insight not too long ago about how a problem I was having came back to the feelings I had for this girl, many many years ago.


My porn tastes became extreme and escalated. Sadistic, domination and worse . I've only confided in 1 person about the full extent of my problem. Despite extreme tastes, my use of porn isn't that that much. I've only masturbated once in the past 3 days, for example. But I go through periods of time of masturbating daily. 
 

Edited September 5, 2020 by lmfao

[Gesundheit]

2 hours ago, lmfao said:

Now whilst everyone would sit directly in front of the teacher, facing her, I would sit around the side of the teacher. A bit to the side, and even a bit behind perhaps. But anyway, whilst the teacher was reading, I'd look up her skirt! My head was directly beneath her skirt, peeking!!!!

And it was all the time. I remember the colour of her socks and what they looked like, seeing her legs. It's possible that I even touched her socks, 

Boner! 

Do you still view relationships a sin till this day?

[lmfao]

@Gesundheit haha not anymore lol. But when I was 12 or so I'd search for Islamic answers on the Internet to certain questions of what is or isn't allowed, and I would be left trying to make sense of or debunk these hardcore fundamentalists who seem to have invaded the online landscape. 

[bejapuskas]

I just hope you can still love yourself and accept yourself in the midst of the dark things that might be happening inside your head but don't worry, you are not alone, I am noticing more and more people on this forum are experiencing this... But love is the way to transmute this into energy.