30 days to realize I am God with access concentration

[Endangered-EGO]

Hello, I want a God-Awakening.

Something is building up in my consciousness right now, I believe that I am close to an awakening, and I am looking for self inquiry methods specific for God.

I would like to access "Access concentration" everytime before I do self inquiry. So I'd love to use a method that can be used while being in that deep state of concentration.

Somehow I never got the awakening I wanted. The nothingness came because of a trauma, when I tried to focus on the nothingness I got the infinite consciousness and spent days without ego, and when I tried to meditate on inf. Consciousness I had a spontaneous kundalini awakening.

Now unfortunately I cannot get those awakenings to come up regularly again, and would like to realize I am god.

What can I do during meditation to find HIM. I am going to do that for 30 days and see what happens.

I can't use psychedelics, because those might shoot me in the dark night of the soul again.

I'm going to keep you posted.

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, Endangered-EGO said:

can't use psychedelics, because those might shoot me in the dark night of the soul again.

What is the dark night of the soul? What trauma brought you the nothingness? Could you explain?

Edited September 3, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[Endangered-EGO]

@Breakingthewall

I felt the presence of the infinite consciousness and smoked a blunt to "come down". It resulted in a spike in prana in my whole body, started and i paniked for hours. The next 6 months i had involuntary ego deaths everyday. Ego deaths were existential torture. Those 6 months were my dark night of the soul. 

Also called DP/DR

After every ego death came the classic nothingness (as explained by shinzen young).

[The0Self]

11 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@Breakingthewall

I felt the presence of the infinite consciousness and smoked a blunt to "come down". It resulted in a spike in prana in my whole body, started and i paniked for hours. The next 6 months i had involuntary ego deaths everyday. Ego deaths were existential torture. Those 6 months were my dark night of the soul. 

Also called DP/DR

After every ego death came the classic nothingness (as explained by shinzen young).

God-realization is inseparable from ego death.

[Breakingthewall]

16 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@Breakingthewall

I felt the presence of the infinite consciousness and smoked a blunt to "come down". It resulted in a spike in prana in my whole body, started and i paniked for hours. The next 6 months i had involuntary ego deaths everyday. Ego deaths were existential torture. Those 6 months were my dark night of the soul. 

Also called DP/DR

After every ego death came the classic nothingness (as explained by shinzen young).

So you had ego death, you got immersed in the nothingness but only that, nothingness...how finished that process? Ego death every day? In what circumstances?

[Fran11]

1 hour ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I would like to access "Access concentration" everytime before I do self inquiry. So I'd love to use a method that can be used while being in that deep state of concentration.

How do you do your self-inquiry exactly?

Anyway, if you stay in deep concentration long enough, it will naturally deepen into Savikalpa Samadhi (ego death achieved using a support object). Not the best kind of ego-death for God realisation, but still it's quite deep. 

Edited September 3, 2020 by Fran11

[Endangered-EGO]

@Breakingthewall Ego death mostly in the evening while eating.

Only nothingness, I was told that this is basically God, but I don't think that was everything there is to it. Apparently during the God realisation you can only utter the word God.

It just stopped happening after 6 months. No treatment, nothing.

[Endangered-EGO]

@Fran11 I do self inquiry by focusing on an object I cannot identify if one comes up.

I probably already had that during Access concentration I often have the focus on autopilot, it feels like there is no effort needed to stay in 100% focus, and the mind works by itself. 

Feels really good, but there aren't that many insights to get from that state of mind.

 

I was also able to enter the first jhana multiple times but that was years ago.

[cetus]

For every time you mentioned 'I' that was the mind of God dreaming.

[Breakingthewall]

49 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

Only nothingness, I was told that this is basically God, but I don't think that was everything there is to it.

But you said in your first post that you focused in the nothingness and you got the infinite consciousness.

[Endangered-EGO]

@cetus @cetus

1 hour ago, cetus said:

For every time you mentione 'I' that was the mind of God dreaming.

My sense if self is very subtle, but I get your point.

@Breakingthewall On multiple occasions, I also wasn't really fully emerged into it either. 

 

God is such a big word, nothingness and infinite consciousness might be 2 aspects of God, but not the full picture (I hope).

I want to be speechless after the God awakening.