How Do You know If Marriage Is Right For You?

[Shir]

Hey Everyone!  

So, I GENUINELY would like to ask - how can one truly know if marriage is right for them?

I realize that must be quite a loaded Q, with no short nor simple answer...

However, what sparked this topic for me right now was today, coming across 2 old school friends on Facebook (women) (both of which are no longer my friends but I did become nostalgic and wanted to try and find them again) - Once I did luckily find them - I then realized...they both already got married. One, a year ago and the other even less than a year ago. Instead of being happy for them (I guess?) I couldn't help but feel a bit sad, like they and everyone else is moving forward in life and accomplishing big things. Like getting married. I immeditatly felt "...Oh." and got sad, like I was missing out on life so to speak. And, many of my other friends (facebook too lol, just other friends I've known over the years from school, uni, military ect) - it seems like even they, one by one, every single day I check in - have gotten married (maybe it's the age group? we're all 28). I just couldn't help but notice that. 

I fully understand and realize that I CANNOT truly know if a married couple is happy and for all I know, maybe they're all happy and maybe some are not. But, I just couldn't help but feel like literally EVERYONE is moving forward in life and I'm just...stuck behind. 

It just really promped me to question myself - is marriage even for me? I've never been in a relationship (romantically) (stuff didn't work out) and being single for 28 years...well, you know, it's all you really know. I'm used to it. I've lost the interest to date tbh, it just always seems like I'm never really good enough for anyone and feeling that over and over again is just tuly dishearting because the last thing I want to feel is feeling like I am not worthy enough of getting married - and truth be told I already do feel this way. It's just that I don't feel pretty enough right now, not accomplished enough in my studies and carrer, not where I want to be body image wise. I have NOTHING against better-ing myself aka getting fitter, accomplishing new goals and working on myself physically, mentally, emotionally ect...but, at this point I question if I am ever going to be ever enough already, as I am. It seems like I have to be full on so skinny, have perfect skin, perfect hair, so this amazing women with degrees upon degrees and a perfect carrer ect just to even get noticed. It would feel nice to feel enough for once, in my life. Just being me as I am already.

And, I don't feel like I have really had positive role models for a healthy marriage to aspire to, if that makes sense. When I was in Therapy and my then Therapist discussed me losing the will to form romantic relationships (this has been going on for almost 3 years) - he actually felt and looked SO sad for me; genuinely in the verge of tears, for me. Saying he'd feel so sad for me if I gave up the oppurtunity to pursue that in life and strongly urged me to not give that up. 

But then I just feel in my day to day life...it feels nice to not get judged by a man and to feel like I can just "do me". I couldn't stand when a guy would constantly nag at me and ask "why aren't you going to the gym everyday??", "what are you doing today?", "where do you go for fun?", talking about their dick and balls, sex all the time, blah blah blah...I just feel like I want to lay in bed and do me and not have to answer to any man. As sad at that sounds. 

I guess I'm just feeling mixed emotions

Would love to know your thoughts, if one can even know if marriage is right for them?

I just feel like everyone is moving forward in life and I'm stuck feeling like "marriage is something that happens to other ppl, and not for me. I'm not good enough". *Sigh*. 

Thank you. 

[Someone here]

Marriage is against human nature.   You can't eat the same lunch every day. 

I don't mean it's against human nature to have a partner.. But the idea of committing to one partner for the rest of your life doesn't seem like how it is ought to be. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by Someone here

[mandyjw]

It sounds like you might want to make more allowance for all your passions in life. Marriage thought about in general terms is a concept, not an actual thing. Marriages actually, are each unique bonds between two unique people, and even then all that makes a marriage a "marriage" is a piece of paper. If it's right or not is a question better saved for when it's asked about a particular person. 

Make a list of things that you love to do, small pleasures, or big ones. Schedule something fun for the future. Plan to try something you've been wanting to learn or try but have been putting off. When you get momentum, purpose and joy rolling in one area of your life, relationships effortlessly fall into place, or they don't need to and aren't missed. 

You don't need to know exactly where you're going to start the journey because there's no destination in this life adventure. 

[Gesundheit]

The first thing here is that you're probably judging yourself harshly. You probably have high standards for how you should be in order to feel the satisfaction you want and deserve. Keep in mind that marriage is not exclusive to certain qualities. A lot of people, both men and women, who don't have very appealing qualities still find a partner and end up marrying them. In fact, most people fit into that category. It's only rarely that someone is too special that they're desired too much. The point is that most likely it's not about how you are right now, but rather about how judgemental and unloving of yourself you currently are. You can fix that with self-love. Watch Leo's video for more info.

The second thing is that I get the feeling that you feel obliged to get married, like it's the only right path to take, and that if you didn’t take it you'd get lost and end up miserable for the rest of your life. This is probably because of two factors: indoctrination, and what I call the herd effect. You're probably indoctrinated with the storyline of a good girl who does this and that and then marry her knight with the shining armour. And the herd effect is what you said about your friends getting married and you feeling left out.

The reality is that all of that is nothing but a huge myth. Your inner peace and happiness aren't found in external relationships and achievements and all that. They are found within a healthy, loving, and nurturing relationship with yourself. Find your inner princess and love her. She deserves that love more than anyone or anything else.

[Gesundheit]

58 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Marriage is against human nature.   You can't eat the same lunch every day. 

Nothing unnatural about having the same food every day. There's no rule against that. It may become boring to a lot of people though.

[Username]

I totally feel you..

I think it's a wrong question to ask. You should ask is marrying _____ (insert name) for you. As it was mentioned before 'marriage' is just a concept. You should rather think what kind of connection you want.

I'm sure that you have a certain vision how your marriage should look like. For most people having a companion is good enough - this is the reason why they don't struggle in finding a partner. If you want something more you are in trouble. If you insert a wrong name into equation there is a dissonance If you are honest with yourself it's super easy to evaluate possible relationship. FEEL how it would be like to spend whole life with a certain person. You will find the answer inside you.

I can assure you. Finding a 'perfect' person is possible.

[Spiral]

Well if you honestly want to do it, then there you go.

Personally I do not see any advantage besides possibly making a partner happy. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by Spiral

[Preety_India]

 

I don't think marriage is necessary especially given the stress of modern living. 

It seems like your authentic self doesn't want marriage but your conditioned self wants marriage just because your friends are getting married and you see that as a sign of moving in 

Technically speaking, marriage is not as easy as it sounds. Because it's not just about sex. Lot more than that. Like two people getting along. 

When things don't work out in a marriage, it's a gateway to a whole lot of problems, because you are stuck with that person. 

I would suggest you to not get married. Stay single and love life. You would not regret it at all. 

If you have your own space, your financial freedom you really do not want much in life. 

The traditional aspect of marriage is a very patriarchal aspect, it was meant to satisfy the desires of men and their ways. It was fashioned around male idealism and male desires.. Over time women were conditioned to believe that marriage was the only option to a fulfilled life. 

Don't believe that crap 

Live your life free and remove that sentiment from your mind 

 

 

[Roy]

I know you don't like me from that other thread but anyways;

Marriage is an antiquated idea. The brutal truth is anybody can leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason. No piece of paper, institution, or words will EVER bind that freedom.

This renders marriage a farce, because there is an overwhelming social pressure that forces people to be naive to this truth. This can open up a whole host of problems that can rot the integrity of ANY marriage - because if either partner ever gets a sliver of doubt at any point it can make them feel trapped, resentful, and that they have to stay in the relationship because they made it "official". This negative motivation will not sustain things, only positive motivation can.

Of course by all means if you've been in a relationship a long time with someone, and your life trajectories line up it can be an amazing thing! Just know that marriages that last until death especially these days are incredibly rare, you have to look around and ask yourself. Can you really pull it off? The fact you haven't been in a relationship yet means you probably shouldn't commit to that idea yet until you've had some years experience, so you can really know what you want for yourself.

However I don't see why people who are in love can't commit to each other for life without having to sign some government document and throw a $15,000 party. The idea that it doesn't "count" unless you get married is a ridiculous social standard.

If it goes south you are fucked. The possessions and finances are never split fairly, and it's a stressful nightmare dealing with all the paperwork and legal stuff.

Speaking for myself, but I don't need anyone nor the government to tell me if I'm truly committed to someone. If my companion and I want to stay together for life we will discuss and it and then do it.

Edited September 2, 2020 by Roy

[Hello from Russia]

34 minutes ago, Roy said:

I know you don't like me from that other thread but anyways;

Marriage is an antiquated idea. Anybody can leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason. No piece of paper, institution, or words will ever bind that freedom from existing.

This renders marriage a farce, because there is an overwhelming social pressure that forces people to be naive to this truth. This opens up a whole host of problems because if either partner ever gets a sliver of doubt at any point it can make them feel trapped, resentful, and that they have to stay in the relationship because of they made it "official".

Of course by all means if you've been in a relationship a long time and your life trajectories line up it can be a great thing!

However I don't see why people who are in love can't commit to each other for life without having to sign some government document and throw a $15,000 party. The idea that it doesn't "count" unless you get married is a ridiculous social standard.

If it goes south you are fucked. The possessions and finances are never split fairly, and it's a stressful nightmare dealing with all the paperwork and legal stuff.

Speaking for myself, but I don't need anyone nor the government to tell me if I'm truly committed to someone. If I want to stay with my companion for life I will tell them that myself.

@Roy It's more for goverment and other 3rd parties than it is for both of you. You can have whatever plans and visions you want with your partner, but in practice, the marriage comes very useful and handy cause it gives you a ton of social benefits, such as sharing the residency status, easier loans, government programms, easier access to your partner if he hits the hospital, easier access to the partner's bank account if something happened to him (accident and so forth). In the last scenario, you can't do shit as a girlfriend if your boyfriend got into a coma and needs some funds which he has on a bank account but you can't pull them out because you're a "nobody" to him. Also all types of insurance and mutual properties, way more easier with a partner. Not even mentioning kids and all stuff that is related to them.

For splitting the assets, you can actually have a legal prenup with your partner. In a lot of cases, by the way, even if you have a so-called "civial marriage" and living together. you are still obligated by law to take care of your partner if something happens to him or you decide to separate just like in marriage. 

What are you really afraid of?

And for the marriage being an Antiqued Idea. How are we actually supposed to know who you are fucking with and who is your partner if you don't show it somewhere? How else we can track your status in society?

Edited September 2, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[Roy]

1 minute ago, Hello from Russia said:

So what are you really afraid of?

I have no fears. I am true to myself.

[Hello from Russia]

17 minutes ago, Roy said:

I have no fears. I am true to myself.

Why you don't want to be true to the government and society then?

[Roy]

3 minutes ago, Hello from Russia said:

Why you don't want to be true to the government and society then?

You are trolling, right? I like the approach, but the content could use improvement.

[Hello from Russia]

@Roy No, I am actually advocating for marriage and building a family. I am not trolling

I changed a perspective on it recently and this conventional line of arguments seem very immature to me. It signals me more about unskillfulness of a person to actually pull off a great relationship and a family than rationality.

I feel like our current culture (I mean the stage orange\green memes) has a huge blue shadow, that is why this shit happens. But the problem is that we can't really build a good civilization with stage green free love approach. We need more conscious people become more integral and build good integral conscious families with kids and raise them in a similar fashion.

While you get stuck at stage green and don't have kids and families, the stage blue civilization is breeding like rabbits and slowing down the evolution and progress.

You're not making good to the world by wasting your energy and effort on a bunch of immature women who will just hold you back ultimately

Edited September 2, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[Arcangelo]

Leo says getting married is chimp behavior. I agree.